The Ritual
by araeo
Summary: AU/AH, OOC: Bella is an alcoholic struggling to deal with her traumatic past. When she meets Edward in the bar she frequents, will his help be enough to save her? Edward has just returned to Seattle and has secrets of his own when it comes to Bella...
1. Chapter 1: La Louche

**I don't own Twilight (well, actually I do own a copy of the DVD).**

Lead Sails (And a Paper Anchor) – Atreyu

_Withering away, a shrinking violet dies  
So full of life, these lights have dried me out  
Into the sea, I needed a drink  
I never thought this would consume me whole…_

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**-_Chapter 1: La Louche_**_**- **_

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I stared at the glass as the water trickled through the slotted spoon. The liquid melted the sugar cube, dripping slowly into the viscous green liquid below. Each drop of ice-cold water sent a white haze rippling outward to the edges of the glass, slowly completing the transition from transparent peridot green to the milkiest jade. Appropriately, it represented the spreading cloudiness in my soul. Each day it became thicker, like a cataract, until I didn't even recognize myself.

I sat alone at a table in the crowded bar, the same as every other night, swirling the glass as the last of the water dripped through. Staring into the expanding cloud, I ignored the chaos around me. I was still; everything around me vibrated with energy. Numb and fuzzy, I longed for the lucidity that would place me on an equal playing field with the world. I hated myself for this. Hated that I needed this to feel like I wasn't one of many background instruments in the score of life. Hated that I could no longer release the thoughts boiling inside of me without chemically altering my psyche. The words that had flowed out of me so easily in years before now refused to come forth without a little greasing of the hinges.

Hell, who was I kidding? I was so ruled by the ritual, by _La Louche_, that writing barely mattered anymore. I could have had it prepared for me behind the bar, but the ritual was as completely necessary to me as the drink itself. The wave of calm that washed over me during those few minutes of watching the transformation from clear green magic to hazy wonder was indescribable. It was only eclipsed by the feeling of electric clarity that followed the commencement of my nightly dance with the Green Fairy. It was that feeling I now lived for.

Quite simply, I felt alive with the first swallow. I was the smartest, most creative being on the planet. The most outgoing, the most beautiful, and the most entertaining person in the room. I was confident and fearless. At first, I'd loved the feeling; now I hated it. It wasn't me. Unaltered, I was shy, quiet, fading into the background as if I was clothed in the most efficient camouflage. I hated this too. I was a paradox, both halves of myself working to cancel out the other. If my life continued on this path, I would eventually cease to exist. Unfortunately, that thought wasn't enough to stop me.

My ritual complete, I held the drink to my lips, ignoring the slight tremor in my hand as I held the glass. I paused to inhale the fragrance of anise and herbs, feeling a tiny, electric tingle flow down my spine in response. The first time I tried absinthe, I'd been repulsed by the scent. Now it caused saliva to flood my mouth. My brain immediately realized what was coming as soon as it detected the scent. I knew that the liquor should be savored, but tonight I didn't care. I couldn't stomach the fuzziness anymore. Greedily, I swallowed the entire glass in one gulp, immediately signaling the waitress to bring me the another glass.

I prepared the second drink as clarity slowly began to seep into my body. The electrifying warmth slowly spread from my stomach outward. I was staring into the milky celadon liquid when I heard a honey-smooth voice behind me.

"Would you like some company?" His voice was like homemade ice cream on a hot summer night – sweet and satisfying. I turned my head to stare at him; his beauty rendered me incapable of speech even while dancing with the Green Fairy. Every hair on my body prickled with awareness. His green eyes looked into mine with intensity, reminding me of the absinthe in my glass before it met the ice-cold water. They were so clear and jewel green, almost catlike. I was captivated and I couldn't look away. I wanted to sink into him and lose myself until both of us were clouded together like absinthe and water, impossible to separate.

He was Michelangelo's _David_ and DaVinci's _Mona Lisa_ rolled into one; the combination of mystery and beauty almost painful to view. His features were even and sharp, with heavy brows slashing over deep set eyes. He was saved from feminine beauty by the slight crookedness of his nose, as if it had been broken at one time. The shock of coppery brown hair on his head was untamed, and his eyes shimmered with a green brilliance that rivaled the beauty of the first shoots of green leaves after the stark white of a snowy winter. I looked away, his intense regard burning me like an ant under a magnifying glass.

"If you'd like," I answered, one corner of my mouth kicking up in a slight smile. I turned my attention back to the now opaque liquid in my glass. He sat down inches from my side, his proximity warming my body through the short distance that separated us.

"My name is Edward," he said softly, but there was no mistaking the air of confidence radiating from him.

"Bella. Pleasure to meet you," I answered, sneaking a peek through my eyelashes. I held out my hand in greeting. He took it, enfolding my hand in his much larger one and squeezing firmly before releasing it. I reached for my second glass, trying valiantly to control my shaky hand, not sure if it was due to his presence or to the fact that I'd only consumed one drink so far this evening. His eyes flicked down to watch me. I knew he couldn't miss the trembling, and I wondered what he thought of it. Heat flooded my cheeks as I considered the two options, but both made me equally ashamed. I raised the glass to my lips, downing the contents of this drink just as quickly as I had the first. Closing my eyes, I felt the fire slide down my throat as I lowered my hand to the table. He placed his hand over mine as I set down the heavy tumber, forcing me to look at him.

"Come with me?" he asked in a low voice, grabbing me by the hand and leading me to what I assumed was the service corridor. I leaned against the wall for balance; it seemed even the Green Fairy wasn't enough to keep me upright in the presence of this man. My vision was centered solely on Edward, and I greedily drank in every detail, from his firm, toned chest to his narrow hips and solid legs. He leaned forward and placed his lips at my ear. "I've watched you here every night," he whispered in my ear. He pulled back slightly and I remained silent, drowning in his gaze. His sandalwood and citrus scent enveloped me, warm and crisp even over the stale scent of the bar.

His long, elegant fingers rose up to caress my cheek, leaving a streak of fire in their path. I turned my cheek into his palm, trying to capture more of his warmth. My chest rose and fell steadily with the increased tempo of my breathing. Edward stepped closer, crowding my frame with his larger body.

"You watch me? Why would you?" I whispered softly. I wondered how I'd missed seeing him here. I wouldn't have forgotten a face like his.

"You're so beautiful. You're here every night, looking so sad and lost… I'm going to save you."

I instantly bristled at his implication. Of course, I knew better than anyone else how badly damaged I was, but that didn't mean that I needed this beautiful man to point it out to me.

"What makes you think I need to be saved?" I asked stiffly. I pushed against his chest abruptly, needing space between us so I could think clearly. He stepped back and dropped his hand. It wasn't far enough, but I sensed that he wasn't willing to move any farther away. His eyes bored into mine, pinning me with a stare that was entirely too perceptive. I knew he could see the sickness in my soul, the tendrils of darkness that spread through every part of me. Unable to stand looking at him anymore, I turned quickly to walk away, but he caught my wrist and roughly pressed it against the wall behind me, once again caging me with his body.

"Maybe because I see you here every night, staring into a glass after glass of absinthe like a zombie," he growled angrily. "Because I see how your hand shakes like a leaf before you get your fix. Because your eyes look so lost right now, like you know there's no saving you." His voice cracked; that sharp, bottle-green gaze conveying the pain he felt at that realization. He shut his eyes and shook his head slightly before looking at me again. I remained motionless, my eyes stinging with the burn of unshed tears. I would not cry in front of this self-righteous stranger, no matter how much his soul called to mine. Drawing upon my anger, I tried desperately to rebuild the wall he'd so easily cracked.

"What, so you're stalking me?" I spat. "You might think I need saving, but I think you need professional help. Stalking isn't exactly acceptable to mainstream society either."

His brows drew together, eyes flaring with anger, jaws flexing. A vein in his forehead stood out slightly as he took a deep breath, those eyes boring into me. I could feel his chest expand against mine – we were that tightly pressed together.

"You think I'm not ashamed of the way I've watched you? You think I didn't feel like a creep, sitting in the shadows and waiting for just one glimpse of you? I came to you tonight because I can't stand watching you kill yourself any longer," he said, his voice low and rough. "I feel very… protective of you. And I'm so goddamn tired of trying to stay away."

I sucked in a breath to reply, but his lips crushed mine before I could form any words. It wasn't a gentle kiss; the intensity of the emotion coursing through both of us too great for that. I knew I was making a giant mistake by not pulling away, but the electricity I could feel at the touch of his lips to mine was too powerful for me to fight. I couldn't think of anything else but the slide of his lips against mine, the taste of his tongue as it filled my mouth. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, pulling strongly and nipping with his teeth before diving back in to deepen the kiss once more. One hand still held my wrist pressed against the wall, the other curved around to the small of my back, pressing my hips against his.

I trailed my free hand up over his hard chest, grazing the hot flesh of his neck and jaw before sliding my fingers up into his hair. Making a fist in the bronze strands, I let my nails graze his scalp, tugging his hair roughly. He growled against my lips, never pausing in his assault on my mouth. I licked his lower lip, reveling in the soft texture and exciting taste. Urged on by some primal instinct I didn't know I had, I bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, the coppery tang only adding to his flavor of spice and sin. He pulled away suddenly, the desire in his gaze triggering a rush of moisture lower, between my thighs.

Blood beaded on his lip where I'd bitten it and I watched, almost hypnotized, as the tip of his tongue slowly licked it away. We were both breathing heavily, each breath causing my nipples to brush against his chest. The fabric of my bra was suddenly too rough on the sensitive peaks, and I wanted nothing more than to feel them brushing against his bare chest.

"Come with me," he said again. This time it wasn't a request. I found myself being pulled down the corridor by the wrist he still held captive. We weren't heading back toward the main room of the bar, but to a bank of elevators at the opposite end of the hallway.

I was afraid to speak, afraid the sound of my own voice would break me out of the sexual haze he'd woven around me. As much as I knew this was a bad idea, I wanted this. He pulled me into the elevator and had me pressed back against the wall as soon as the doors closed.

His eyes searched mine, and when he finally spoke, it was low and rough. "I'm going to show you why you're worth saving." He ducked his head down and placed his hot mouth at the sensitive juncture between my neck and shoulder, his teeth closing firmly on the sensitive skin, before soothing it with his tongue. I knew he was marking me and I didn't care; I wanted to be marked by him, wanted his marks all over my body, wanted to be reminded that even though I was worthless to everyone else, I meant something to this man.

Framing his face with my hands, I relished in the feel of the rough stubble against my palms. I took his lips in an incendiary kiss, thrusting my tongue into his mouth, not waiting for an invitation. He returned my kiss eagerly, taking over, hungrily licking and sucking. I closed my eyes, concentrating only on the feel of our lips moving together.

Vaguely, I heard the elevator door open; he slid his palms under my skirt to squeeze my ass gently as he lifted me up against him. I hitched my legs around his waist and threw my arms around his shoulders, my palms pressing against his shoulder blades through the soft leather of his jacket. He walked out of the elevator, but I still couldn't be bothered to open my eyes. I didn't care where we were going, as long as we were there _soon_. When he pulled away from the kiss and halted, I opened my eyes to look around, noticing that we were in an elegantly furnished bedroom. A large king-sized bed was the focus of the room, an ocean of cream colored fabric that stood out against the stone colored walls and black iron headboard.

"You _live_ here?" I asked, turning my head back to look at him. His lips were swollen and wet from my kisses, his eyes hooded and dark.

"I own the building." I waited for him to say more, but he remained silent, staring at me. Reaching behind with one hand, he slipped the ballet flats off my feet before slowly lowering me to the plush carpet. I could feel every inch of him as our bodies brushed together. I looked down, feeling too exposed at the intensity of his gaze. "Look at me," he whispered, raising my chin with his hand. "You need to know that you matter to someone else." His eyes burned with impossible emotions.

Emotions that shouldn't have been there when we'd only just met.

"You don't even know me." My voice was almost inaudible. My heartbeat sped up in panic as I recognized the look in his eyes, marveling that I could make someone feel something so strongly. I didn't want him to care about me. It was dangerous. I didn't want to matter to anyone else, because I only ended up poisoning everything I came in contact with. But even more dangerous were my feelings about this stranger. He called to me, pulled me out of the depths of the hole I'd dug for myself with such precision.

"I want to know you, _so much_. Just let me. Let me…" He kissed me again, and this time it wasn't frantic or rough. It was sweet and tender, bringing tears to my eyes. But I didn't want tender or sweet. I couldn't handle that depth of emotion now. I wanted to forget about everything but physical sensation, to lose myself in the pleasure he offered without thinking about anything else. Wanting to break the spell that had us caught, I clutched his shirt collar, ripping it open and sending buttons flying in every direction. My hands slid both the ruined shirt and his jacket off his shoulders; he shrugged and sent them both falling to the floor. I broke the kiss, eyes lowering to take in his naked chest.

Fine dark hair trailed between his pecs, fading away to nearly nothing, before picking back up again below his navel and disappearing beneath his belt buckle. I followed the path with my hands, trailing my fingertips over the ridges of his abdomen before hooking them into his waistband and tugging him in the direction of the bed. He grasped my waist, his fingers burning me where they brushed the strip of skin between my shirt and waistband. I raised my arms, giving him permission to remove my blouse. He did, making sure his hands didn't lose contact with my body the entire time. Once my hands were free, I reached for his belt buckle and made quick work of opening his jeans.

I reached inside and curled my hand around his impressive erection. It was thick and hard, soft skin stretching over iron. He groaned and thrust into my palm as I stroked him, fisting his hands into my hair and pulling my mouth to his. His tongue touched my lips a split second before our mouths met and I eagerly welcomed him in. Warm, deft hands slid down my back to the clasp of my bra; it fell away, his callused palms cupping my breasts and squeezing. I moaned into his mouth as he pinched my nipples between his thumbs and forefingers, twisting them gently. Lower, I stroked him one more time before pulling away to push my skirt and panties off my hips, leaving them on the floor next to the bed.

Climbing onto the soft mattress, I laid back in the middle of the bed, enjoying the way his jaw tensed as his eyes roamed my body, taking in my naked form. After a moment, he sat on the side of the mattress, removing his shoes and socks before sliding his jeans and boxers slowly down his legs.

His attention never wavering, he crawled on all fours toward me, reminding me of a lion stalking its prey. He held my gaze the entire time, letting me know that I wasn't getting away. I didn't want to escape, not from this. When his eyes were level with mine, he laid half on top of me, propping himself up on his elbow. He wedged his leg between mine, pressing it tightly to the apex of my thighs. Raising my lips to his, I wrapped my arms around him, letting my hands roam the firm muscles of his strong back as we kissed.

He placed his hand on my chest, fingers spread wide, and slowly drew it down between my breasts to my belly, leaving tingling heat in his wake. My muscles jumped in response as he stroked across my lower stomach. He used his thigh to spread my legs wide, dipping the tips of his fingers over skin that was wet and sensitive with want. I felt him trace my outer lips slowly, up and down, again and again. His mouth left mine, planting a trail of hot, openmouthed kisses down my neck, dragging his tongue across my collarbone before slowly moving down to the curve of my breast. I squirmed against his hand and clutched him tightly to me, trying to find some kind of relief from his light touch.

"Edward, please…" I moaned. My voice was rough, as if I'd just woken up. "Touch me."

"I am touching you," he said softly against my flesh, his hot breath raising goose bumps along my breast. He continued that maddening stroke between my legs, spreading around my wetness but never touching the place I needed him the most.

"Touch me more." I was pleading with him now. I couldn't take much more of his teasing.

"You need a lesson in patience," he chuckled. He rubbed his nose along the swell of my breast, grazing my nipple and inhaling deeply. "You're so soft…you smell so fucking good…" Looking up at me, those eyes bright and burning, he captured the taut peak with his mouth. He drew on it strongly, gaze never wavering from mine, his cheeks slightly hollowed with suction. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back on the pillow, moving my hands to clutch at his head as his tongue flickered softly over my nipple.

"Fuck patience!" I panted, reaching down to grip his cock, squeezing firmly. I brushed my thumb over the round head, feeling the drop of pre-cum beaded there. He sucked in a harsh breath and growled against my nipple, but he still refused to touch me like I needed him to. I tightened my grip faintly and stroked him from hilt to tip, up and down, until he thrust into my hand. Letting my fingers wander lower, I cupped his balls in my hand, lightly scraping my fingernails over the soft skin before returning to his shaft to begin again, stroking him with a lighter touch this time. He released my nipple with a final flick of his tongue and rested his forehead between my breasts.

"Fuck, Bella… You're killing me," he ground out.

A tiny, amused smile crossed my lips. "Now who needs patience?" My amusement was short lived, however, changing to blinding pleasure as he finally decided to quit playing with me. He swiped his thumb through my lips, gathering moisture before pressing it firmly to my clit and rubbing in tiny circles. Two fingers slipped inside me, and he began a deep, slow rhythm.

"Is this what you wanted?" he said against my lips, breath mingling with mine. "Does that feel good, baby?" I didn't get a chance to answer because he crushed his lips to mine, thrusting his tongue in perfect counterpart to his fingers. In no time at all, I was hovering on the edge of release. I kissed a path across his jaw, pausing to draw his earlobe into my mouth.

"Edward, I'm so close," I gasped.

"I'll take care of you, baby." He increased the pressure on my clit and quickened the pace of his movements, curving his fingers forward to reach a new spot inside me. I arched my back, sending his fingers even deeper inside me. "Let me make you come, Bella," he whispered. The pleasure built and built until it was almost painful and then it broke, the orgasm rushing over me in wave after wave of clenching bliss. I moaned loudly, too caught up in sensation to be self-conscious.

As I came down, I opened my eyes to find him staring at me, his hand gently stroking my belly as I recovered. He stared at me as if I was precious to him, and I felt a pang of discomfort. I was completely bare in front of him, physically and emotionally.

I couldn't let that happen; I couldn't let myself care about him. I'd only end up hurting him.

This was about sex, nothing more, and I had to make sure he knew it. My hand was still wrapped around his dick, and I resumed caressing him, stroking him harder and faster than before. His eyelids dropped shut and he released a breath that was half moan, half growl.

"I want you now, Edward." I pulled at his back, trying to get him to surrender more of his weight to me. He shifted the knee that was in between my legs, pushing them wide open and coming up onto his knees between them. With one final squeeze, I released him and let my eyes wander over his body, taking in the delicious sight of his torso, finally fixing on his cock. I licked my lips at the sight, letting him know I appreciated the view. He stared at my lips as I did it; and that seemed to be his breaking point. Leaning forward, he grabbed my wrists and transferred them to one large hand before pressing them to the pillow above my head. I was pinned, caught, and the feeling of helplessness was extremely arousing.

"What do you want, Bella? Tell me, do you want me inside you?" he breathed at my ear. "Do you want me to fuck you?" He dipped his tongue in my ear, gently caressing the shell with the tip before catching my earlobe between his teeth. My nipples contracted at the contact and a shiver ran down my spine, causing me to arch against his chest. He hooked his hand beneath my knee, hitching it in the crook of his elbow as he settled between my legs. I could feel the head of his erection pressing against me, but he moved no further. "Look at me. Tell me what you want," he commanded.

Eyes still closed, I whispered, "Edward, please…"

"Baby, look at me." His voice had softened. "Say it."

I met his eyes, which had darkened to deep green with his lust. He nudged against me gently, the tip of him barely penetrating, letting me feel what it could be like if I would only say the words. I was desperate, like I hadn't even reached release minutes before.

"Fuck me, Edward," I whispered, hoping it was enough for him, and to my utter relief, it was. He pushed inside with one strong thrust, seating himself to the hilt inside me. My eyes fluttered shut at the sensation. I'd never felt so full. He wasn't gentle, and I met his hips with hard thrusts of my own. He buried his face in my neck, moaning deep in his throat as he quickened his pace.

"God, you feel incredible," he groaned, taking me desperately, hard and fast, like he'd die without this. I was convinced I'd die without this as well. I felt myself nearing orgasm once more, but I hovered on the brink, unable to get that last bit of stimulation to topple over the edge. Edward seemed to sense how close I was and released my wrists, reaching down to caress my clit with the tip of his finger. He shifted my leg up over his shoulder, planting his hand near my waist and raising himself up so he could look down at me as he thrust even deeper inside me.

"I want to watch you come. I want you to see that you're mine," he said roughly, out of breath from his exertions. I looked straight down to where we were joined, and the combination of feeling and seeing his finger and cock caressing me was too much. My inner muscles clenched in another orgasm and I stared at him, my mouth opening in a silent scream as it pulsed over me again and again.

When my muscles stopped contracting around him, he let me lower my leg from his shoulder. I wrapped both legs around his waist, digging my heels into the small of his back as he lowered his full weight onto me and began to move again in hard, deep lunges. He wrapped one arm under my lower back, pressing me tighter against him, while the other cupped the back of my skull, holding me in place for his thrusts. I gripped his back, holding him as tightly as he held me. His movements became erratic, punctuated with moans and soft, desperate grunts as he reached his peak. His eyes never left mine as he thrust one final time and then stiffened as he groaned, pulsing inside me. He collapsed, burying his face in my neck, breathing hard.

He rolled us both to our sides, still inside me, one hand stroking lazily up and down my back as we recovered. I was pleasantly drifting off to sleep when he spoke, so softly that I might have imagined it.

"I'll save you, Bella. I promise."

I stayed still, feigning sleep, not indicating that I'd heard him. For some reason, that statement didn't bother me as much as it had before. He'd changed something in me tonight, somehow. As I finally drifted off to sleep, I realized three things: first, I'd been withering away, dying, until tonight. Second, there was a part of me that wanted desperately to continue on that path. Third, there was part of me that just might want to be saved...and I wanted Edward to save me.


	2. Chapter 2: Not Fit

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any Cake songs. I'd like to own this Edward, he can stalk me anytime. But I don't want to own this Bella. That chick's got issues._

_This story is going to contain scenes of violence. I'll warn you all before it happens, so you can skip it if you feel it might trigger or disturb you. The beginning part of this chapter is one of those places. _

_Thanks for the encouragement from those who reviewed. You all seemed to want more, and E & B were yelling at me to keep going. So here you go._

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"**Hem of Your Garment" – Cake**

_I am intrinsically no good  
I have a heart that's made of wood  
I am only biding time  
Only reciting memorized lines  
And I'm not fit to touch  
The hem of your garment…_

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**-Chapter 2: Not Fit-**

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_Blood was everywhere. Thick smears of it shone black in the moonlight, marring the perfection of the beige tile floor. I could feel the desert breeze from the open door against the side of my face; it cooled the trickle of blood that still leaked from my temple. Raising my hand to touch the wound, I probed gently and hissed at the sting. _

_I fell to my knees next to the still form before me, tears streaming down my face, not caring that I knelt in the cooling pooling on the floor. I was glad that this blood had been spilled, but I couldn't remember why. Something cold and hard was clutched tightly in my hand, and the weight was heavy and comforting. I looked down at my shaking hands, finally taking in the entire scene before me. _

_At the sight, I began to struggle for breath; my heart pounded so hard I could feel every beat in my ears and temples. I couldn't get enough air. Sirens wailed in the distance; surely they were coming for me. I felt no relief at the thought, only an increasing sense of panic as my chest tightened further and my vision began to darken at the edges. The siren faded away only to be replaced with a hollow ringing. _

_I collapsed over the motionless body of my mother and the gun in my hand clattered to the floor._

-x-_  
_

I awoke suddenly, my body tensed and ready to flee. My body was curled in the fetal position on my right side, the way I always slept. It was as if I needed to withdraw into myself even in sleep, my body unconsciously protecting itself from any threat, real or imagined.

I knew the only real threat to my body was me.

Lying there motionless, I let the tension seep from my muscles one by one. I took deep breaths, trying to banish the remnants of the familiar nightmare to the back of my mind. My eyes snapped open and darted around the dim room. It must have been early morning; gray light trickled through the slats in the window shades. I could hear raindrops tapping softly against the glass.

A glance around told me this wasn't my bedroom. It wasn't the first time that's happened, but this morning was different. My body tensed all over again, and I was bombarded with memories from last night's colossal mistake―Edward.

"_Look at me… You need to know that you matter to someone else."_

"_You don't even know me."_

"_I want to know you, so much. Just let me. Let me…"_

Oh, God… what had I done? I had to get out of here.

I could feel his heat against my back, his chest slowly rising and falling with the even rhythm of sleep. A heavy arm was slung around my waist, holding me tightly against the body that curved around mine. His face was buried in my hair, his soft breath warming the nape of my neck. The thought struck me that he was curled protectively around my body, as if he was trying to hold my nightmares at bay. I felt a shock of warmth in my heart for a moment before I pushed it back again. I couldn't let him do this. Bad things happened to the people who cared about me.

_He doesn't even know me anyway. He's practically stalked me for who knows how long, and I was stupid enough to have sex with him._

Why did he have to act like he cared about me? Why couldn't he just be satisfied with a one night stand or a few nights of casual sex with no strings? We'd been incredible together… it had never been like that for me. All of my previous encounters were with nameless, faceless men and were little more than clumsy fumbling in the dark.

With a mingled sense of dread and anticipation, I realized he expected more than just last night, but I wasn't willing to give it to him. I should have left when he whispered those final words to me last night, but hadn't been thinking clearly, lulled into complacency by the pleasure of our experience and the buffer of absinthe. I'd been riding a new kind of high, one I feared I'd never be able to forget. The last thing I needed was another addiction to deal with; I couldn't deal with the one I had.

I carefully lifted his arm off my waist and set it behind me. He mumbled something in his sleep and turned over. I stilled, waiting for him to settle back into sleep. I really did _not _want to have a conversation with him right now. Attempting to talk to him hadn't gotten me very far last night. Quietly, the picture of stealth, I eased off the bed, keeping my eyes on his sleeping form the entire time.

After gathering my clothes in the dim light, I wandered to the living room to dress. I dressed quickly, my anxiety growing with each passing second. _Where the hell are my fucking underwear?_ They had to be back in the bedroom. I hesitated for a moment, debating if I was willing to risk waking him to get them. I didn't really want to leave any reminders of myself behind; it would be better for him that way―as if I'd never existed. I crept back through the doorway, searching the floor in the dim room. _Damn it, where were they?_

Head down, I searched near the bed, still finding nothing. I bent lower to search under the bed skirt and smacked my head on the footboard. _Fuck_!

"Bella…?" he murmured, stirring in the bed.

_Shit!_

I ran, forgetting all about the missing panties, panic spurring me toward the door to his apartment.

"Bella, wait!"

I wrenched at the doorknob, but the door wouldn't budge. Fucking deadbolt. I heard him moving around in the bedroom, which only made my fingers numb as I desperately fumbled with the lock.

"Bella, please wait!"

Finally, I yanked the door open and slammed it behind me, running as fast as I could for the elevator. I punched the call button over and over, hoping I wouldn't have to wait. I looked around frantically for the door to the stairs, but the hallway was dark and I was unfamiliar with the layout. The elevator doors opened just as Edward ran out of the apartment. He was barefoot and disheveled, dressed only in jeans that rode low on his hips. Panicking, I rushed inside the car, jamming the button to close the doors.

"Don't go, Bella, please!" I could hear him plead. My eyes filled with tears I didn't understand. I caught one last glimpse of his sad green eyes as the doors slid closed. A single tear spilled down my cheek and I covered my face with my hands.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I whispered to the empty elevator car.

-x-

It had been two long weeks since that night.

When I'd reached my apartment, I collapsed in tears on my couch and cried, simply because I couldn't stop. I hated myself for being weak. I hated myself for succumbing to him. And I hated Edward for making me _feel_ something. I wanted to hate him, anyway.

I wasn't succeeding.

I hadn't expected to long for him the way I did. After all, I was the one who had run out on him. I dreamt of him at night and thought of him when I wasn't occupied. So I did the only thing that I knew might make me forget: I drank. Of course, I couldn't go to my usual haunt, Denali, for fear of seeing him again―I knew I would break if I saw his face. I had to constantly remind myself that I wasn't good for him, that I'd only hurt him in the end. When that didn't work, I tried to think of his stalker-like behavior. Even that thought didn't bother me nearly as much as it should.

I stayed inside my apartment for the most part, except to go to bars at night or make a stop to get food. I tried in vain to put some of my thoughts to the page, but even though I sat with my notebook for hours, all I could come up with were a few lines describing Edward. I hadn't been to a bar that carried absinthe since that night. Any type of alcohol would keep the slight tremor out of my hands, keep the nausea and cold sweats away, but only absinthe gave me that feeling of creativity. I knew I was becoming desperate for that feeling, for the ritual that brought me relief. It was only a matter of time.

So here I sat in the living room of my tiny apartment, fingering the cuff of my long sleeved t-shirt and staring at the muted television. A half-empty tumbler of whiskey, neat, sat on the coffee table in front of me. It was nine in the morning. I pulled up the sleeve on my left arm, just far enough to see the raised three inch scar that ran up my wrist. This was yet another reminder of what a failure I was― proof that I couldn't even end my life properly. I was a failure as a writer, as a daughter, as a fucking _human being_. Edward was right. I was a zombie.

At least, I had been until that night. Now, I _hurt_. I _felt_. Zombies didn't feel, did they? Surely they didn't feel pain? They were just mindless revenants, terrorizing anything that came close to them. How had he managed to make me feel this way when I'd spent less than twelve hours with him? I was beginning to feel insane. I knew I was sick, but I'd never thought I was _crazy_.

It was then that I made the decision then to go back. I told myself it was because I missed the ritual. Not because I missed _him_. Right. _Because it was so much better to say I was going because I needed the absinthe._

I wasn't going to go alone, though. I didn't want to make the same mistake I had the last time. I didn't trust myself to be alone with him. _He probably won't be there anyway_. There was still the problem of who to ask to go with me. I'd pulled away from my friends in the last year. I knew they'd be better off. The ritual had become more important to me; they'd grown tired of watching me destroy myself and let me pull away. I didn't blame them.

I grabbed my phone off the table and went to the first name in my very short contact list.

"Hi, Alice, this is Bella…"

-x-

I knew I had to pay attention to what I wore since I would be meeting Alice, so I dressed in a heather gray v-neck cashmere sweater and dark wash jeans. I finished the look off with a gray knitted newsboy-type hat as a concession to the chilly rain outside; I was also hoping it would help to disguise me a bit. I'd never worn it to the bar before. I added a royal blue scarf around my neck to combat the cold. Taking a cursory glance at myself in the mirror, I almost smiled. Funny, how it only took a few pieces of nice clothing to make me look almost normal. I hoped it was enough to fool Alice.

Taking a deep breath, I slipped on my ballet flats and rain jacket, and then I grabbed an umbrella and walked out the door. The drive to Denali wasn't long enough to allow my nerves to settle. I could feel the rapid pulse in my cheeks and ears as I walked in the door, hastily glancing around for Alice.

"BELLA!" she yelled, attracting the attention of most of the patrons. I cringed and put my head down, walking quickly to the table at the back of the room where my tiny friend was seated with a tall blond man. Alice got up to hug me tightly and I returned the hold, realizing that I'd missed her more than I thought. Tears stung my eyes and I blinked them back, not wanting her to see. I took a seat so that my back faced the room, not taking any chances that _he_ might spot me here.

"It's so good to see you, Alice. I've missed you." My voice was quiet, still aching from fighting back tears. _What the hell has he done to me? He's ruined me. Before him, it didn't matter that I no longer saw my friends._

"I've missed you too, Bella. I tried to call you… a lot." I said nothing, just shrugged. I had no excuses for my behavior that she would accept. I looked down at the table for a second, swallowing fast. "How are you?"

I knew what that question meant. It meant: _Are you still drinking? Are you going to AA? Have you gotten help?_ She should have known; I'd asked to meet her in a bar, for Christ's sake.

_Yes. No. No one can help me._

I cleared my throat, looking everywhere but Alice. "I'm okay. I've been writing, a little." How easily the lies came now. I remembered when lying had been difficult for me―before those last few awful months in Phoenix.

The waitress came up with drinks for our table; Alice must have ordered before I arrived. I noticed that they had ordered water. I read the silent message loud and clear. Fortunately for me, most of the wait staff remembered me, and they knew what I always drank. She must have seen me walk in, because she placed a glass of absinthe in front of me and laid the slotted spoon and sugar cube on a cocktail napkin next to it. She set a tiny carafe of iced water next to the absinthe. Alice looked at me with sad hazel eyes, and I knew that she pitied me. That was fine. I expected it.

Despite my feelings of happiness at seeing Alice again, the awkwardness of this situation was almost unbearable. I felt like I'd disappointed her somehow. I should have been used to it by now; I disappointed everyone. At that moment I realized I'd ignored Alice's guest. He probably didn't have any idea about my issues. I should try to act like a normal human being in front of company.

"Hi, I'm Bella," I offered, reaching to shake his hand.

"Jasper." His voice was deep and smooth, tinged with the flavor of the South. He had a wide, friendly smile, and he looked at Alice with such tenderness.

"Jasper and I are engaged." Alice looked up at him, beaming. I was happy for them, really, I was. It was good that other people could fall in love. It just hurt that I knew it would never be for me.

"Congratulations," I said, pasting a smile on my face. "Have you set a date yet?"

"No, not yet, but we have a few dates in mind." She chattered on excitedly, talking of venues and florists and bands while Jasper smiled at her. I tried my hardest to pay attention, but my entire being was focused on the glass sitting in front of me. My leg bounced nervously and a cold sweat prickled my upper lip. I couldn't wait any longer, so I began to louche the glass, smiling and nodding at Alice's words.

My hand shook, causing the spoon to rattle against the glass as I set it on the rim. Alice faltered as she spoke, the smile on her face slowly dying as she watched me. Jasper watched both of us with a concerned look on his face; I could tell he knew there were undercurrents here that he was not privy to.

"I'm going to the restroom. Bella, do you need to go?" She looked right at me, conveying with her eyes that I did, in fact, HAVE to go.

"I'll be there in just a minute," I hedged, reaching for my glass. Alice saw through me immediately and grabbed my hand before I could reach it; towing me toward the restroom. She was very strong for such a tiny girl. I glanced around while we walked, nervously keeping watch for signs of Edward. It helped me keep my mind off the conversation I knew was coming.

"Bella, what the _hell_ are you doing to yourself!" she asked harshly as soon as the door slammed behind us. "You're thinner than I've ever seen you and there are horrid dark circles under your eyes!"

"Thanks, Alice, you look nice too," I snapped. I was starting to remember why I'd stopped making the effort to connect. No one approved of how I'd chosen to live my life.

"You know I'm worried about you, Bella. Why can't you see how much you're hurting yourself by doing this? How much you're hurting me? You're like a sister to me, Bella!" Her eyes shone with unshed tears. I couldn't stand seeing her cry, this woman who'd been my only friend after I'd left Phoenix―the only one who'd made the effort to make the new girl welcome at Forks High.

"I'm sorry, Alice," I said, not looking at her. I shrugged. "It helps me forget. It helps me write." She'd heard these excuses before. I felt like an idiot feeding her the same old lines.

"Bella, can't you just _try _to stop? There are so many good programs out there—"

"No."

"But—"

"Alice, listen to me. This is something that I'll have to do on my own," I said, fighting back tears for what seemed like the millionth time. "You can't make that decision for me, no matter how much you love me and want me better. You're like a sister to me, too, and I love you. But I'm just not ready." _I'll never be ready._

I'd perfected this speech over the years and never meant a word of it. It was just meant to get people off my back. It hurt me to say it to Alice this time. I blamed it on him. _Jesus…he really has ruined me._

"Look at my hands, Alice." I held them out in front of me, palms down and fingers spread wide. The shaking was evident. "This is what happens to me when I don't drink enough. I start to get shaky and sick." I blinked and a tear slid down my cheek.

Alice said nothing; she just enveloped me in a tight hug. I don't know how long we stood there before she pulled back and stared at me.

"You have some mascara right there," I said, pointing at her cheek and giving her a watery smile. It was understood that we wouldn't speak of this again for tonight. She sighed and turned to the mirror to fix her make-up. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and wiped away a few stray tears.

When we got back to the table, Jasper was gone. I sat down while Alice went to look for him, and I knew it was because she didn't want to see me drink. I finished the glass in one gulp, sure she'd be back any minute. The warmth spread through me immediately, the relief washing over me just as quickly. I signaled the waitress for another.

While I waited for the next drink, I drew designs on the tabletop with my fingertip, trailing it through the ring of water left there by the glass. I heard Alice's high-pitched voice nearing and I turned to greet her. Jasper was behind her, followed by a third man that I couldn't see because Jasper blocked my view.

"Bella, Jasper ran into an old friend of his. And get this, he owns this place!" Alice was trying to be her normal cheerful self. I tried to stretch my lips into some semblance of a smile.

"Really? I come here often and I've never met the owner." I was not happy with this development, but I tried to sound pleasant. It was hard enough to act normal in front of Alice and Jasper, let alone some guy they wanted me to be nice to. Alice sat down and Jasper stepped to the side, revealing the man behind him. I stiffened, my breath frozen in my lungs.

_Fuck._

"Bella, this is my old college roommate, Edward," Jasper said.

.

.

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* * *

_A/N: Sorry, no lemon in this chapter. I have to have some plot, don't I? Don't worry, Edward is going to do whatever he can to get Bella better... and that means he's not above manipulating her with sex! Thanks again to those who reviewed. So let me know what you thought! The button is RIGHT THERE!_


	3. Chapter 3: Still Don't Know

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight._

_There's another scene that may be disturbing to some in the middle of the chapter. It's in italics._

_Chapter title is from the song below._**  
**

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"Jolene" – Ray LaMontagne

_Lately my hands they don't feel like mine  
My eyes been stung with dust and blind  
Held you in my arms one time  
Lost you just the same_

_I ain't about to go straight  
It's too late…_

* * *

**-Chapter 3: Still Don't Know-**

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.

.**  
**

"Hi, Edward," I said flatly. It was all I was capable of. We stared at each other, neither of us wanting to make the next move. My brain wanted me to run away screaming, but my body leapt to life at the sight of him. My body wanted to run _to_ him. "Nice to meet you." I let my eyes roam down his body. _God, he's gorgeous._

He raised one eyebrow slightly, staring at me with those catlike eyes. Pain flashed through them for a split second, and then it was gone. Why should he be surprised that I wanted to pretend I didn't know him? We'd had a one night stand and had said barely one hundred words to one another_. I didn't even know his last name!_ I didn't want Alice to think that I indiscriminately slept with random men, even if it did happen on occasion.

Finally, he spoke. "The pleasure is entirely mine, Bella." I could hear the slight inflection he added to "pleasure." _So he's going to play it like that, is he?_ I shot him a fake smile and focused my attention on the tabletop once again, effectively shutting him out. _That damn waitress can't get here fast enough_.

Jasper took his seat next to Alice, and of course, the only seat open was next to me. Edward smoothly slid into the seat, scooting it closer to mine than I thought was necessary. He was so close I could smell him, and to my utter mortification, I felt myself growing wet as his scent triggered flash after flash of our night together in my brain. I discreetly tried to scoot my chair as far away from him as possible, inhaling through my mouth to avoid breathing him in.

The three of them made polite conversation while I stewed and tried to figure out how to handle this situation. I couldn't pretend that I hadn't wanted to see him; I wouldn't have come here otherwise. Edward sat there, laughing and talking, looking the picture of relaxation. My anger began to build. _How can he sit there looking so unaffected? Was I just a conquest for him? Maybe he seduces women like that all the time… I bet that whole "I'm going to save you" bit works like a charm_. _Hello? Fucking waitress? I need help here!_

"Excuse me," I said, escaping to the bar. If I had to sit there for one more minute, I'd explode or cry, and either would show more emotion than I was comfortable with. I was furious with myself for coming back here, furious with him for acting so composed. Why did I care if he was affected by me or not? I didn't want anything to do with him. _Right?_

"Lucid. Double. Straight." Tossing a twenty across the bar without making eye contact, I slumped onto the stool and braced my elbows on the shiny wood. I just wanted to block out these new thoughts and feelings he caused, along with all the sad looks from Alice. Straight shots would get the job done. Screw the ritual; by this point all I cared about was making it all go away.

"You're not gonna louche it?" he asked. "You know that shit's like eighty percent alcohol, right?"

"Yes," I said shortly. I didn't want to explain myself to anyone else tonight. I'd done enough of that with Alice.

"All right, it's your hangover," he muttered, setting the shot glass in front of me. _Ha. If he only knew._

"Cheers." I tossed the shot back. It burned like sweet fire in the back of my throat, stinging my nostrils as I breathed out. I shut my eyes, feeling the warmth trail all the way down. I slammed the glass down on the bar. "Another." He poured me the next shot without comment and I tossed it back just as quickly as the first.

Leaning forward, I rested my forehead in my hands and stared at the warped reflection of my face that I could see in the polished bar. I could feel the heat spreading outward from my belly, eventually reaching my feet. They swung back and forth as I lightly kicked the backstop of the bar. _What the hell was I going to do?_

"Bella." Alice's small hand closed over the top of my shoulder. I quickly swung around, misjudging the amount of torque the movement required and I nearly fell off the stool.

"I'm sorry, Alice, I just couldn't sit there with him."

"Edward? Why? He seems perfectly nice to me," she said. "Come back and sit with us. I haven't seen you in forever. I'd like to spend more time with you."

"Don't you mean you want to monitor my drinking?" I snapped. She looked hurt, and I instantly felt guilty. I knew I would have to tell her what had happened that night, and I didn't want to ruin the fragile reconnection we'd forged by keeping it from her. Looking down at my lap, I took a deep breath. "Alice, I know him. I…I slept with him."

"What? When?" She looked over to the table where Jasper and Edward sat. I followed her gaze and met Edward's eyes; they were angry. _Well, that's fine, because I'm pissed at you too, asshole._

"Two weeks ago. I met him here…we talked, and I ended up in his apartment. I panicked and ran away as soon as I woke up. He…he told me he wanted to _save_ me." A humorless laugh escaped me. "He sure picked a hopeless case, didn't he? He must really like a challenge."

"Bella, stop it. You're not hopeless! It's just that shit talking," she said angrily, pointing to the empty glasses. She didn't have a clue. _That shit_ made everything almost bearable. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at her. _There goes the unspoken truce_. She sighed. "I don't know what else to say…you're not going to listen anyway."

"Probably not," I answered, trying to soften it with a weak smile. It didn't fool either one of us. We were both good at pretending nothing was wrong.

"Will you come back and sit down? You can just talk to me. Ignore Edward all you want. We won't talk about anything you don't want to. Please?" It was so hard to say no to her when she looked at me that way. I slid off the stool, wavering just a bit but catching myself with a hand on the bar. I hadn't eaten today; the liquor was hitting me faster and harder than usual. I'd underestimated the effect that those two doubles would have on me. It didn't matter. It would just make it that much easier for me to ignore him. It wouldn't be hard to just sit at the table and ignore them all. I flung my arm in the direction of the table in a gesture for her to lead the way.

I followed Alice across the room, placing my steps with care to avoid an accident. My feet felt heavy and numb, and I was slightly dizzy. Jasper and Edward stood as we reached the table and waited for us to sit. I almost snorted. _What perfect gentlemen they are._ Sitting heavily in my chair, I grabbed the edge of the table for balance. I could feel Edward's eyes on me. Ignoring him, I smiled brightly at Alice and Jasper.

"So how did you two meet?" I wasn't just deflecting attention away from me; I truly wanted to know. Alice beamed at me, pleased I was making an effort to be involved in the conversation.

"Well," she began, grinning at Jasper, "I was in line behind this weird guy at the bank. He was dressed in an old Confederate officer's uniform. I thought it was pretty strange that someone would be in public dressed that way, so I tapped him on the shoulder to ask him about it."

"The weird guy was me," Jasper added. "I participate in Civil War battle reenactments on some weekends. It's a hobby of mine. I had to run to the bank before it closed one Saturday, and I was already dressed in my costume. I didn't expect to meet the love of my life wearing it," he chuckled.

Only Alice would be brave enough to ask a complete stranger why he was wearing a ridiculous costume in the middle of a bank. We all laughed at the cute story, but it was Edward's velvety laugh that caught my attention. Electric tingles ran down my spine at the sound and I began to feel even more lightheaded. I shook my head, gripping the table even harder to ensure I kept my balance.

I focused on Alice as she elaborated on the story, but I couldn't follow the words. I watched her lips as she spoke, but I couldn't match the movement with the sound. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on taking deep breaths as I propped my head in my hands. I wanted to move to one of the high-backed booths at the sides of the bar so I could lean back against something. It was becoming very hard to sit upright at the high-top table; my head spun and I fought back a sudden wave of nausea.

"Bella? Are you okay?" It was Edward's smooth voice I heard, but it sounded very far away. This had never happened to me before. Of course, I'd never taken two double shots of straight absinthe within three minutes either. I took a few more deep breaths to alleviate the dizziness. I needed to go home and lie down. "Do you need help?" His distant voice was urgent.

"No," I managed; the deep breaths making me feel a bit better. "I do think I'd like to go home now. Bye, Alice, Jasper." I waved halfheartedly in their direction, knowing how ridiculous I sounded, but I had to get out of there. "I need to go." I grasped the edge of the table as hard as I could and slid off the stool, but I couldn't keep my balance. My knees were like jell-o, and I fell forward into Edward's arms. _Shit._ I began to giggle.

"What the hell did you do, Bella?" Why was he so angry? I opened my eyes to look at his face; he was scowling at me. _He even looked sexy doing that._ "It's not funny," he growled. I giggled even harder at the absurdity of this situation. _Why couldn't I just stay away from this place, away from him? Why did he care about me? Didn't he know that I was poison?_ I was no longer laughing; my giggles had turned to quiet sobs and tears were streaming down my face.

"I just want to go home," I whispered. He swung me up into his arms and began walking, and I gripped his neck, laying my head on his shoulder, breathing in his comforting scent. I heard Alice's voice behind us, her tone urgent, but I couldn't decipher the words. Finally, Edward sat down and shifted me so I could see his face, cupping my cheek in his hand. His eyes swam before me and I blinked several times before my vision cleared.

"How much did you have to drink?" As long as I focused on his eyes, I could understand what he was saying.

"Doubles… two. And one before." My words were choppy; I was breathing hard as another wave of nausea assaulted me. "Sick," I gasped, saliva beginning to fill my mouth. Thankfully he understood me, and Alice was right there with a small trash can. I bent over and emptied my stomach while Edward held me in his lap, holding my hair back with one hand. I wanted to die. It wasn't the first time, and it sure as hell wouldn't be the last.

When I was finished, Jasper handed me a bottle of water and a paper towel. I felt a bit better after I rinsed out my mouth and wiped the cold sweat from my face. Afterward, I sat there staring at the floor, too mortified to look at anyone.

"I need to go. Let me up."

"Are you sure you can stand?" he asked, concern coloring his tone.

"Yes. Just let me go." I pushed at his arms and stood. I made it one step towards the door before my vision went black.

-x-

_"You stupid bitch!" he screamed. _

_Pain exploded in my head as he backhanded me. I reeled, trying desperately to stay upright and losing the battle. I went down hard, cracking my head on the corner of the coffee table as I fell. White dots swam before my eyes; I felt warm blood flowing down the side of my head from the cut on my temple._

_"I told you never to go in that room! But you're too much of a stupid cunt to listen!"_

_I lay on the floor, paralyzed with fear, my chest heaving with my labored breaths. I fought to stay conscious as he advanced on me. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled me upright, shaking me brutally. I screamed in agony as his hold pulled on my wound. His eyes were wild and enraged. _

_"What am I going to have to do to get you to fucking listen?" Saliva splattered my face as he screamed at me. I was crying uncontrollably now, unable to catch my breath as he used my hair to drag me onto the couch. He came down on top of me, pinning me to the cushions with his heavy weight. I began to thrash with every bit of strength I had left as I realized what he was about to do. "Keep fighting, you little bitch. It only makes it better," he grunted. A scream built in my throat, loud and desperate, but it was cut off as his hands closed around my neck…_

-x-

"Bella! Bella, wake up!"

I sucked in a breath to scream and opened my eyes. Edward was kneeling on the floor next to the bed, his face inches from mine. Flinching, I jerked back into the pillows. He was still wearing the same clothes from the night before. I checked under the coverlet and found myself dressed in one of the large t-shirts that I usually slept in. Darting my gaze around the room, realizing I was in my own bed, in my apartment. I sat up, trying to shake off the last vestiges of the memory.

"You were having a nightmare," he said. "How do you feel?"

I held up a finger, indicating that I needed a minute and got up to go to the adjoining bathroom for a human moment or two. After a few moments of splashing cold water on my face, I brushed my teeth, immensely glad to be rid of the foul taste of stale liquor and God knew what else. I had no idea how I'd gotten home. The last thing I remembered was puking at Denali… _Oh, God_. Sighing, I scrubbed my face with the hand towel and went back to the bed, where Edward was already sitting. I plopped down next to him.

"Where's Alice? What are you doing here?" His lips curved into a crooked smile at my questions.

"I think you're feeling better," he said. "You like to answer questions with more questions, don't you?" I raised my eyebrow at him.

"What do you think?" He chuckled at my response, that crooked smile widening into full-fledged grin. _Am I flirting with him?_

"I think you have a smart mouth."

"What gave you that idea?" I asked with a shy smile. _Well, shit. I'm definitely flirting with him._ I was surprised at how easily the words came. I knew I shouldn't be encouraging him, but I felt like being selfish. I almost felt happy here in this moment with him. Even the remnants of the nightmare didn't detract from that feeling. He reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, and his fingers were warm as they gently grazed my skin. Heat blossomed in my cheeks at the contact.

"You have a beautiful smile when you're not faking it," he said sadly. I looked down at the coverlet; I didn't know what to say. I hardly ever smiled for real anymore, and I found it strange that he made me actually want to. _Change the subject, Bella!_

I cleared my throat. "So, how did I get back here?"

"I followed Alice and Jasper in your truck. I'm surprised that thing still runs." His disdain for my truck was plain in his voice. "Alice got you ready for bed and I volunteered to stay here until you woke. I had to have Jasper drag her out of here. She's a feisty one."

"That truck has higher status with me than you do right now. Don't insult her." He smirked at me, and I smacked his shoulder with the back of my hand in retaliation. He captured my wrist, keeping it in his lap, and I decided to let him. His fingers lightly stroked the sensitive flesh of my inner arm. "Alice usually gets what she wants. I'm surprised you convinced her to let you stay."

As I kept talking out of nerves, his fingers stilled on my arm; he stiffened as he looked at my left wrist lying in his lap. I'd forgotten all about my scar.

"Bella…" He looked at me, his bright green eyes filled with sorrow. "What happened to you?" he whispered. He lifted my wrist to his lips, lightly brushing them over the scar. I'd never felt so ashamed… My heart broke at his gesture. I was surprised; I didn't think I had a heart left to break. It was then that I knew I had to try and push him away, one last time, before I hurt him even more. Because I knew I would.

"Edward… we shouldn't be friends. It would be better for you that way." I almost choked on the words. They were so much harder to speak now. I thought of how passionate he'd been that first night together and how gently he had held me when I was sick earlier tonight. He lifted my hand, cupping it to his cheek, covering it with his larger one.

"Why, Bella? Why can't you let me help you?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words would come. I couldn't stand seeing the hurt in his eyes. Although I didn't understand it, I knew this man cared for me. I had no idea why or how, because we didn't know one another. I was a lost cause, and it seemed like he was appointing himself my very own St. Jude. How could I give him hope when I didn't know the meaning of the word?

So I kissed him. I raised my other hand to his face and brushed my lips across his softly. I pulled back slightly, gazing into his eyes.

"Bella, we should talk…" Hurt and some other emotion I refused to name warred in the green depths. I didn't want to talk. I couldn't give him reassuring words, because I had none. Pressing my lips to his once again, more firmly this time, I swiped my tongue along his lips. He remained still, and I sucked his soft bottom lip into my mouth, flicking it with my tongue.

"I don't want to talk, Edward," I said softly against his lips. Talking lead to things like caring and closeness, painful things. I leaned heavily against him, trying to push him back against the pillows. After a moment he relented, reclining on the bed and wrapping his arms tightly around me. I stroked his cheekbones with my thumbs as we kissed, and then slid both hands to the back of his head, grabbing fistfuls of his hair as the kiss deepened. He cupped my ass in both palms, pressing me down against his erection. I straddled his hips and sat up, keeping eye contact as I pulled the t-shirt over my head. I opened the front catch of my bra; letting it slide off my shoulders and onto the bed.

Edward moaned as his eyes dropped to my breasts. He trailed his hands lightly up my ribcage, skimming over my breasts and back down to my hips. My eyes fluttered shut and I leaned into his touch, wondering how simple contact could feel so good. He sat up abruptly and sucked my nipple into his hot mouth, palming the other breast in his hand. I wrapped my arms around his head, holding him as tightly as I could. He lightly bit my nipple and then soothed the ache with his tongue before trailing hot kisses across my chest to pay the same attention to the other side. A soft moan escaped me and I ran my hands down his back and underneath his clothes, touching every inch of his skin that I could reach. I tugged on his sweater and he released my breast to yank the offending garment over his head.

I pushed on his shoulders; this time he fell back against the pillows with no resistance. I trailed my hands down over his pecs and raked my nails against his hard abdomen, his muscles twitching in response to my touch. Quickly, I unfastened his jeans and scooted back down his legs, dragging his boxers along with the rough denim. He kicked them off his legs and they fell to the floor at the foot of the bed. Running my palms along his legs, I moved back up his body until I was eye level with his cock.

I looked up to find him watching me with hooded eyes darkened to mossy green with lust. Grasping his thick cock at the base, I gave him one long lick, never breaking eye contact. He sucked in a deep breath and licked his lips, his body going rigid underneath mine. I took the whole length of him into my mouth, not stopping until he hit the back of my throat, using my fist to work the length of him that wouldn't fit in my mouth. His eyes dropped shut and he growled; his hips thrusting up slightly, like he couldn't help himself. I enjoyed the taste of him, tinged with salt, and savored the hard smoothness of his flesh.

Closing my eyes, I concentrated on pleasuring him, using tongue, lips and teeth to show him what I could never say with words. I moaned around him, earning a loud moan in return. His hips were moving now, uncontrollable little jerks that let me know he appreciated all I was giving him. I cupped his balls with my other hand, raking my nails lightly across the delicate skin, remembering how he had enjoyed that the first time we were together.

"Fuck!" he groaned, and then he was pulling me up his body, cursing when he realized my panties were blocking his way. He fisted his hand in the delicate lace and yanked, the fabric ripping and digging into my skin. "I can't wait, Bella. Are you ready?"

I didn't answer; I just positioned him at my entrance and sank down on him, hard. We both moaned at the sensation. His hands held my hips in an iron grip and met my hips with a thrust of his own; the slight pain only added to the pleasure I felt at having him inside me again. Planting my hands on his chest, I leaned forward, riding him hard. He matched my rhythm, thrusting up to meet my hips. The only sounds in the room were moans, harsh breaths, and the slap of skin meeting skin.

"God, baby… you feel so good," he said.

Edward moved his hand over to thumb my clit, the extra stimulation just what I needed to send me flying.

"Edward," I moaned. "I'm…" I couldn't speak as I stared down at him, release washing over me. He was so beautiful.

"Fuck, yes," he moaned, thrusting up one final time as he pulsed inside me.

I collapsed on his chest, burying my face in the crook of his neck, hoping he couldn't feel the hot tears that leaked out of my eyes. I didn't know what would become of this; I just knew that I didn't want to hurt him.

But I just couldn't stay away from him anymore. _God help us both._

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_A/N: Poor Bella doesn't know what the heck she wants. Is that chick messed up or what? Looks like Edward didn't have to manipulate her with sex at all… she beat him to the punch!_

_Lucid is a brand of absinthe. I figured if you were ordering any kind of shot, you wouldn't just say "gimme vodka." Who knows what kind of swill they'd give you._

_Straight shots of absinthe are bad news. Like shots of 151 or more than 5 shots of tequila bad. A big reason that absinthe was so demonized is because it is such a potent alcohol. There's a chemical in absinthe called thujone, which increases awareness, for lack of a better explanation. So in effect, you consume more alcohol in a shorter amount of time, but you don't think you are as drunk. It's a weird feeling._

_Have I mentioned that I really like reviews? I need them like Bella needs to get her drink on._


	4. Chapter 4 Four Letter Word

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do own Moulin Rouge Bella (thanks, KnittingVamp7 for the awesome name)._

_A big thank you to everyone that's been reading and reviewing my little tale. And thanks for all the alerts and favorites. It warms my grinchlike heart to see those little notes in my inbox. (Of course, reviews are the best… hint hint.)_

_Apprehensions – written by Sylvia Plath_

_Hmm… another Cake song. You guys think I like them?_

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"**Friend is a Four Letter Word" – Cake**

To me, coming from you,  
Friend is a four letter word  
End is the only part of the word  
That I heard  
Call me morbid, or absurd,  
But to me, coming from you,  
Friend is a four letter word

When I go fishing for the words  
I am wishing you would say to me  
I'm really only praying that  
The words you'll soon be saying  
Might betray, the way you feel about me

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**-Chapter 4 – Four Letter Word-**

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I knew I had to have a serious talk with Edward, but I just didn't know how to begin. We'd spent the last few weeks merely enjoying the company of one another. Sure, we'd had conversations, but they never centered on the important issues we faced. Or rather, the issues _he_ faced if he chose to keep company with me. Once I'd decided to be selfish, it became rather easy to pretend I was a normal woman spending time with a great guy.

And I knew he was a great guy. He wasn't perfect, but that particular idiosyncrasy was tied into my many imperfections we were avoiding at the moment. We'd only discussed the most basic details of our lives, because I wasn't willing to divulge anything more to anyone, even him.

Edward Cullen, as it turned out, owned Denali and the building that housed it. He'd moved back from Chicago four months ago, when he bought the bar. He had one brother who also lived here in the city. He knew even less about me—he knew I was an only child, a writer, and I'd lived in the tiny town of Forks, WA with my father before moving to Seattle. I knew he had many questions, but he was willing to give me time to adjust to this, to _us_, before answering them.

Edward was good to me: he made me laugh, made sure I had food in the apartment or took me out for meals, and he was polite and chivalrous to a fault. He wasn't even rude to the people that deserved it, in my opinion. I was less than charitable with most people; he liked to joke with me that I sometimes had the personality of a cantankerous old cat lady. The best thing about Edward? He didn't pressure me about drinking, even though I knew it pained him to watch me do it.

I'd never had anyone treat me so well, with the exception of Charlie, Alice, and my mother. But no matter how comfortable I felt with him, there was always an undercurrent of tension hanging over our…_friendship_.

We both knew our avoidance had to come to an end at some point.

I didn't know how to define what we shared. We spent every night together. It was true that we shared a sexual relationship, but I wasn't whole—I couldn't be a contributing person in a real partnership. But in a way, I was his friend. I cared for him, even after such a short time, but I couldn't let him get too close for his own sake. I was a volatile, fragile person, and I had to be prepared to let him go when the time came, before I tainted him with the darkness that always followed me.

-x-

It was a Tuesday afternoon—March 23, to be exact. The worst day of every year for me.

I awoke late, and alone. Edward had work to do at the bar today before it opened. I needed to keep myself busy today, so I decided to clean the apartment. Putting on one of my favorite albums, Pearl Jam's _Ten_, I warbled along with Eddie Vedder as I swept, vacuumed, and dusted. I even cleaned the grout in the tiled shower with an old toothbrush; anything to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied. When I finished I glanced at the clock, realizing he would be here to take me to dinner in a few hours.

And I had nothing left to do. Not very good for my sobriety.

Trying to find something to occupy my attention, I chose a book of twentieth century poetry from the shelf. I sat on the couch; feet tucked up underneath me, and opened the book to a random page.

_There is this white wall, above which the sky creates itself-  
Infinite, green, utterly untouchable.  
Angels swim in it, and the stars, in indifference also.  
They are my medium.  
The sun dissolves on this wall, bleeding its lights._

_A grey wall now, clawed and bloody.  
Is there no way out of the mind?  
Steps at my back spiral into a well.  
There are no trees or birds in this world,  
There is only sourness._

Sighing, I slammed the book shut in frustration before I finished the last two stanzas. Of course, the poem I would choose randomly on such a day would be written by Sylvia Plath. I could see the comparisons: Edward was my white wall—I couldn't have him in the end because of my own limitations. I was the grey wall, broken and beaten, nothing in front of me and a black hole behind me.

_Is there no way out of the mind?_

Not for me. I would never forget what I'd done.

I decided to try watching television, but I just stared at the screen, trying to focus. Giving up on TV after a while, I grew fidgety, and memories began to assault me.

A dark room. A video camera. Knives.

A large palm over my mouth and nose. Suffocation, then freedom.

I had to do something. I went to the kitchen and stood in front of the cabinet, trying to talk myself out of what I really wanted to do.

I was trying to be better for Edward, I really was.

But the blood…there was so much blood.

Renee, lying motionless in a hospital bed. Mechanical, rhythmic breathing. Machine controlled beeping.

Fuck being better, being sober. Sobriety didn't keep me from reliving the memories, but being drunk might. Edward wasn't here right now. He couldn't help me; I was a fool to think that he could. It was cruel to let him think I was getting better.

I reached for the bottle of whiskey, twisting open the cap and pulling straight from the bottle. I gulped until the burn was too much and I nearly gagged. Still carrying the liquor, I went into the living room and dropped onto the couch. Taking another long drink from the bottle, I leaned back against the cushions, fighting tears. I should have known better than to expect I could make it through this day without disappointing him.

After all, ten years ago today was the day my mother died.

-x-

_I sat in the sterile room, staring at the figure on the bed. There were so many bandages, so many tubes and wires connected to the still form that it was nearly impossible to tell that it was, in fact, my mother lying in front of me. I wasn't supposed to be here; I had my own room in a different wing of the hospital, while my mother laid alone in intensive care. I wanted to spend this night with her, to sit by her bedside, just as she'd done for me when I was sick as a little girl. They were releasing me from the hospital tomorrow, and then I would go to stay with Charlie in his hotel. I never wanted to set foot in that house again._

_It was completely still, the silence of the room broken only by the rhythmic beep of the heart monitor and soft whirring of the respirator. My throat ached, my head throbbed, and I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to my mother and sleep without the nightmares I knew would come. _

_The neurologist had spoken to my father and me this afternoon. My mother, beautiful, flighty Renee, was brain dead. His opinion only echoed that of the first neurologist to examine her. They were performing one additional test tomorrow morning, to check for cerebral blood flow, but they didn't expect to see any. We'd been told to begin thinking about removing her from life support._

_I moved to the edge of the bed and sat gingerly beside her. Taking her cool fingers in my own, I tried to find some trace of the mother I knew the empty shell that lay before me. I wanted to cry, but no tears would come_—_I hadn't been able to cry since I'd collapsed on top of her before the police came. _

_I knew she wasn't coming back. And it was all my fault._

-x-

I awoke with tears streaming down my face, still a bit drunk. My eyes were red and swollen, my cheeks tight and bone dry with salty tear tracks. The clock read five o'clock and I knew that Edward would be back to take me to dinner soon. I needed to work quickly to seem normal—at least as normal as I could be. I stumbled into the kitchen to stash the whiskey bottle in the cabinet, and then hurried to the bathroom to brush my teeth and attempt to rid my breath of the scent of stale whiskey. The shower looked _so_ inviting, and I decided I probably had time for a quick one. I didn't think Edward would mind if I was still in the shower when he came to get me. Seeing me naked was not something he ever complained about.

While the shower was warming up, I gathered my long brown hair into a messy knot. When steam filled the cubicle and coated the glass door, I stepped into the spray, letting the hot water melt the residual tension from my muscles. I don't know how long I stood there, leaning my head against the cold tile. I was hoping the shower would help clear my head, but it just lulled me into an even sleepier state. Closing my eyes, I tried to prepare myself to interact with Edward this evening—I had to be in top form or he would know something was wrong.

After lathering up with my favorite body wash, I opened the fogged shower door and grabbed the towel off of the rack, my feet sinking into the plush rug outside the glass enclosure. As I was rubbing the water off my body with the fluffy towel, strong arms came around my waist from behind. I froze. My brain knew it was Edward; who else could it be? But my body thought differently. Muscle memory kicked in; every limb became rigid, my diaphragm constricting so tightly I could barely draw breath. A terrified squeak escaped from my lungs and I began to tremble.

"Bella? What's wrong?" I just shook my head, needing a moment to calm down. Edward seemed to sense that I was uneasy; he backed off slightly and cupped my arms, running his hands gently up and down.

"I don't like being taken by surprise," I managed in a tiny voice. He gently turned me around to face him and I felt better immediately upon seeing his bright green eyes. They held such a look of tenderness and worry, and I knew he wouldn't hurt me. I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest, breathing in his scent.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. You looked so tempting, all damp and naked… Fuck, I'm a monster."

I shook my head and laughed mirthlessly. Edward wasn't a monster. _I_ was the monster. My mother was dead because of me.

"Don't ever say that, Edward. You are all that's good in my life. You should be canonized for putting up with me."

Hugging me tightly, he laughed. "Bella, sometimes I do think you'll be the death of me, but I wouldn't go that far. Besides…I don't think saints are allowed to have the kinds of thoughts I'm entertaining about you at this moment." His voice got rougher as he spoke, and his eyes were that lusty mossy green when I pulled back to look at him.

He pressed his lips to mine in a sweet kiss. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation of his lips moving over mine. Pressing myself even harder against him, I nipped his bottom lip, asking for entrance. I swept my tongue inside, enjoying the unique taste of Edward. When we were together like this, it was so easy to forget everything else…

His hands stroked lightly up and down my back as we kissed, and then he ran his hands over my shoulders, cupping my face in his warm palms before pulling away. I tried to follow him, a little whimper escaping my throat, but he held me in place with his hands.

"Are you sure you're okay? You looked so afraid. I don't want to pressure you, but I'm here if you'd like to talk about it. About anything…" Looking into those intense green eyes, I realized that I actually wanted to talk to him… I didn't want him to know everything, because then he would realize how much I didn't deserve someone like him.

But maybe I could talk to him about my mother; about how much I missed her and what a beautiful person she was.

"Can you give me a minute?" I asked, tucking the towel more tightly around my torso. He nodded, surprise flickering in the depths of his eyes. His lips stretched into that crooked grin that made my stomach flip.

I went to my room and changed into one of Edward's t-shirts I'd stolen and a pair of old basketball shorts. When I came back out, he was sitting on the couch waiting for me. I sat down at his side, resting my head in the crook of his shoulder and tucking my feet underneath me. It would be easier if I didn't have to look at him while I spoke. He wrapped his arm around me, his thumb brushing a lazy stroke over my arm. I took a deep breath, inhaling his comforting scent and letting the calm it brought wash through me.

"Today is the anniversary of my mother's death." I felt him inhale suddenly and his arm tightened a bit. I kept going; if he spoke I might lose my courage. "I was seventeen. We were close for most of my life, until that last year anyway. She died…violently." I swallowed past the tightness in my throat. "I miss her so much. Renee was beautiful…lively…absentminded." I laughed a bit, and it felt nice. "She always had all these projects. She would barely get started on one before moving on to the next. She was my best friend. And it's my fault she's dead." I hadn't wanted to say that much, but it slipped out before I thought better of it. "This day is always difficult for me… I usually don't deal with it well." I absently stroked the scar on my left arm, and he noticed. I felt his muscles tense where I was pressed against his side.

"Bella, what happened?" His voice was so soothing, so soft and enticing. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready to lose him yet.

"She's dead because of something I did… because I couldn't listen." I left it at that, and he respected my boundary. He was still tense, and I could tell he wanted to ask more, but he didn't. I knew that someday he would press for more, but I was glad he hadn't picked today to do it. He kissed the top of my head and we sat together for a few moments in silence, absorbing the feel of one another. I drew comfort from his soothing touches on my arm, and he slowly began to relax.

"Do you want to know what drew me to you?" he questioned, pulling me a little closer. I nodded against his neck. That was one thing that was a complete mystery to me. I didn't understand the appeal I held for him. He could have anyone he wanted—someone prettier, smarter, more outgoing. He could have someone whole, someone that was _normal_.

"When I first moved back to Seattle, I was completely focused on learning how to run the bar. It was a new venture for me, and I wasn't very familiar with how things should have been done. I have to admit it wasn't a well thought out plan." I looked up at him over my shoulder as he paused. One corner of his mouth curved in a self-deprecating smile. I smirked at him in return. I knew that was unusual for him; in the short time we'd known each other, I'd learned that he tended to over analyze everything to the point of obsession. "I was an investment banker in Chicago, and I hated every minute of it. All my family was back here in Seattle, and I missed them—and this city—like I never thought I would. When I had enough money to come back here and invest in some real-estate, I didn't hesitate. I needed a change, so I picked something out of my comfort zone.

"In the beginning, I came in and worked in the bar office during the day, totaling accounts, paying bills, and putting in orders. I was usually gone by nine or ten and would leave the manager to close up on weeknights. The staff… they knew you. Well, _of _you anyway. They all talked about this regular that never came with anyone, never really spoke to anyone, drank absinthe, and usually spent all night writing in her journal or typing on her laptop."

"That would be me…Miss Antisocial," I said, laughing half-heartedly. It sounded so sad to hear myself described that way, but that didn't make the facts any less true. Edward rested his cheek on the top of my head and continued his slow, comforting stroke up and down my arm.

"Actually, they called you 'Lady Papa,'" he chuckled. "I had no idea what that meant until I Googled it. Then I was thinking you were an old woman with a beard."

"Ernest Hemingway was called 'Papa.'" I smiled. I was actually flattered. I loved Hemingway. I could relate to him: we'd both experienced great personal trauma and channeled it into our work. Only Ernest Hemingway had gone to war for his country, while I had gone to war for my life...

"I decided right then that I had to at least see the person everyone was whispering about. And then when I saw you…I can't even explain it. I've tried to explain it to myself a million times. It was physical…almost like a blow to the chest. I've never reacted to a woman like that before, ever. I've always been a very cerebral person. Very calm and controlled. I saw you, and it just erased every rule I'd ever made for myself. Before I knew it, I was staying late to see if you came in. When I saw you, I had to watch, yet I couldn't work up the courage to introduce myself."

"You?" I asked incredulously. "Angelic Edward Cullen, afraid of a mere woman?" He pinched my side playfully in response, and I yelped, squirming against him. He groaned as I inadvertently brushed his groin with my hand. But for once, I didn't want to distract him with sex, so I stilled. I wanted to hear what else he had to say.

"So I settled for watching you, just to be sure that you were okay. And the night I finally had the balls to speak with you…I lost control." He sighed and held me tighter to him. I could tell he was remembering the connection, the passion we shared that night. It was almost surreal to me, but I'd experienced it again and again since we'd come together. I knew it was real.

"I'm sorry for that, Bella. I just wanted to talk with you, get to know you. I didn't mean to take advantage of you like that. But God am I glad I did." He laughed guiltily. I even joined him. I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed twice in one day. And it was all because of him.

"You know what? So am I." I lifted my head from his neck and stretched up to kiss his cheek. He turned his head at the last second and captured my lips with his. His arm tightened around me and I felt his other hand come up to cup my neck. His thumb caressed my jaw line and I opened to him, welcoming the possessive thrust of his tongue. The kiss became urgent, and I reveled in the velvety slide of his lips against mine.

His hand slid down my neck and over my torso, grazing my breast in a torturously light touch. He gripped my hips in both hands and lifted me to straddle his lap, never breaking the kiss. I moaned into his mouth at the pleasure that shot through me as he pressed me against his erection, arching against him and clenching my fists in his hair. I pulled lightly because I knew he enjoyed it and earned one of those sexy, deep growls in return. He tore his mouth from mine, licking and nipping his way to my earlobe, where his teeth closed on the soft flesh before he suckled. The stubble on his cheek chafed my sensitive skin, sending prickles of fire straight to my center.

Slowly, he slid both hands up from my hips, across my belly and up to cup my breasts. I let out a ragged breath as he squeezed gently, pushing them together. His hot breath struck my ear, causing chills to race down my spine. I arched my neck, urging him where I wanted him without words. He understood and trailed his nose down my neck, planting hot, open-mouthed kisses along the way. His mouth closed over my nipple through the worn fabric of the t-shirt, the friction of the soft cotton only adding to the stimulation. He nipped lightly—once, twice, and then bit down harder before soothing the pain with gentle flicks of his tongue. His hand kneaded my other breast before pausing to pinch and roll my nipple between his long fingers.

Before long, I was panting, ready to beg him to remove my shirt. I wanted to feel his lips on my bare skin. I pulled back and ripped the shirt over my head, tossing it behind me to the floor. His eyes were fixed on my chest as I went to work on his button down. He ran his hands up my sides, brushing my stiff nipples with his thumbs.

"So fucking beautiful," he rasped. "Look at those pretty nipples, all red and stiff from my mouth." He leaned forward to take one between his lips, suckling strongly on my naked flesh. I moaned as I spread the halves of his shirt wide, caressing the planes of his chest and sliding my hands underneath the shirt around to his back. He inched his hand under the waistband of my shorts to cup my ass in one large palm. He squeezed firmly, the tips of his fingers barely grazing the moisture between my legs. I widened my stance, silently encouraging him to move those fingers closer to where I wanted them. He was all too willing to oblige me. He caressed the sensitive skin softly before plunging two fingers deep inside me from behind.

"God, Bella. You're so wet for me… You're fucking mine, aren't you?"

I could only nod, too lost in pleasure to speak. I arched my back, sending his fingers stroking even deeper inside of me. With shaky fingers, I released the button of his jeans, carefully lowering the zipper and spreading the sides open to reveal his boxers stretched tightly over his cock. I pushed at his clothes; he hitched his hips up to help me lower them until his erection sprang out. I reached out to lightly trace the head with the tip of my finger, gathering the bead of pre-cum that gathered there. Holding his gaze, I brought my finger to my mouth, letting him see my tongue wrapping around my finger as I tasted him.

"Fuck," he whispered. He pushed my shorts down over the curve of my bottom with his other hand and looked down at what he'd revealed. He groaned and said roughly, "I can _see_ how wet you are, baby. I feel like I could explode just looking at you."

Pulling his hand from between my legs, he swiped his wet middle finger across my bottom lip before he crushed his lips to mine. I could taste myself and Edward all at once, and it drove me wild. I stood up and the shorts fell down my legs; I stepped out of them and returned to his lap. He grabbed my hip in one hand and positioned his cock at my entrance with the other before he plunged into me in one rough stroke. His fingers dug into my hip as he bucked up into me; his other arm wrapped around my back, his hand gripping my shoulder to hold me still for his thrusts. I met his hips with a grinding circular motion of my own; he wasn't allowing me enough movement to do much more.

"Mine," he grunted, holding me tighter against him. He buried his face in my neck and I held him to me, gripping his back and feeling the flex of his muscles as he moved. My breasts were crushed against his chest, my clit rubbing against his pubic bone in time with his thrusting. I could feel my release gathering quickly; I moaned loudly as my walls tightened around him. "I feel you, baby… let it go… I want to feel you come around me."

Release flooded through me at his words, sending hot waves of pleasure throughout my body. He slanted his lips over mine, plunging his tongue inside in perfect sync with his movements below as he thrust once, twice more and stiffened, moaning his pleasure into my mouth.

We lay there slumped against the couch cushions for a while before he stirred, swinging me up into his arms and carrying me to the bedroom.

"Edward… Thank you for listening, and for not pushing me. I can't tell you how much that means to me," I said softly as I drifted toward sleep. He kissed my hair and I snuggled closer to him. Maybe tonight I would sleep without nightmares, in the warm comfort of his arms.

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_A/N: So, you guys got a lemon in this one too. Don't get too spoiled, though, there can't be lemonade in every chapter, right? There was also some plot in there somewhere too. So what did you think? Not enough talking? Does Edward still seem like a stalker? Do you think he told her everything, hmm? Tell me! I have to know what you think! And the only way to do that is by clicking that button… right there…_


	5. Chapter 5: Unintended

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Thanks to irebporti and stavanger1 for betaing this bitch.

This story is rated M for a reason. This story deals with dark themes and contains scenes that are not intended for readers under the legal age of consent. There's already a bunch of weird stuff swimming around in my mind, I don't need to feel strange about corrupting young minds. But if you're over the age of consent, I have no problem corrupting you. End spiel. On to the chapter.

This chapter's for phoenixhunter47 for her awesome reviews.

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**Muse – "Unintended"**

_You could be my unintended _

_Choice to live my life extended_

_You should be the one I'll always love_

_I'll be there as soon as I can_

_But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

_Before you _

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On Absinthe:

"After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally you see things as they really are, which is the most horrible thing in the world."

- Oscar Wilde

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**Ten years earlier**

_I managed not to trip as I stepped out of the hot bus into the even hotter dry Phoenix air. My hair stuck to the back of my neck; it was unseasonably warm for September, even here in the Arizona desert. The school bus lumbered away in a cloud of exhaust as I started down the block to my new home of three weeks. I missed my old house. I'd been able to walk to and from school when Renee and I had lived in the cozy two bedroom bungalow that we'd called home for nearly seventeen years before._

_Now we lived in a large home in a nice neighborhood, our house one of the many cookie-cutter suburban nightmares with grassy green yards that didn't belong in the desert. It was comfortable, but it wasn't _home_. It was _his _home. It didn't have any of the character or charm that Renee had instilled in the bungalow; it was catalogue-chic, decorator perfect, and totally impersonal. _

_I knew I should have been happy that we had such a beautiful home to live in; I should have been happy because my mother was happy. I wasn't _unhappy_ as much as I was _uneasy_. Something about my new stepfather, James, had never seemed _right _to me. He said and did all the right things, __obviously trying hard to get me to like him. I'd found that being nice but not entirely friendly towards him earned me the least amount of grief from Renee. She insisted that she was happy, and I didn't argue with her; though something in her eyes was different lately. That was just another mark against James in my opinion. Renee was changing slowly and I didn't think it was a change for the better. She was growing more quiet and reserved; she'd lost interest in her hobbies and classes. Lately she only seemed like herself when he was away on one of his many business trips. He was a photographer and flew all around the globe for on-location shoots._

_I sighed and started up the walk to the front door, debating on which homework to begin first. I had a Biology lab write-up due tomorrow, but I wasn't worried. Biology was one of my best subjects. My trigonometry skills, on the other hand, left a lot to be desired. Trig it was, then. What a crappy way to spend yet another uneventful birthday. At least James was gone on business. That was the only birthday present I'd really wanted anyway. I tossed my messenger bag on the kitchen island and poured myself a glass of milk from the fridge. _

_There was a small wrapped package on the counter, resting on top of a birthday card. I smiled to myself as I read it; Renee always had been one for those sappy "_For my beautiful daughter on her birthday_" type of card people. I opened the package and found a beautiful leather-bound journal. The thick cotton-blend pages smelled fresh and earthy; I couldn't wait to begin writing in it. I grinned; some things about my mother hadn't changed: she still knew me better than anyone else. I wanted to thank her and tell her how much I loved her. We hadn't said it enough lately._

_I wondered where she was; she was usually home by this time. I could hear water running upstairs, so she must have been in the shower. As I neared the master bathroom I heard the water shut off. I walked right in; Renee had never been one for modesty. I had the same parts and it was nothing I hadn't ever seen before. _

"_Mom, thank you so much for…" I trailed off as Renee gasped in shock. She grabbed a towel to cover her torso, but not before I could see the bruises that marred her ribs and abdomen. "Mom! What happened?" I choked out, rushing over to move the towel aside to look again. She jerked back, out of my reach._

"_Nothing, Bella! Get out of here!" I froze, tears filling my eyes at her harsh tone. "NOW!" _

_I stumbled backwards out of the bathroom and ran down the hall to my bedroom. What the hell had happened to my mother, and why did she not want me to know about it? I wiped the tears from my eyes as anger began to build. I just knew that this had something to do with James. He'd done this. All the signs were there: Renee's quiet, withdrawn behavior, her retreat from the things she used to enjoy so much. There was a knock on my door; I looked up as my mother entered. Her eyes were red and swollen. My anger grew even further. I wasn't angry at Renee, I was angry at the bastard who did this. _

"_Mom, I know James did that to you." My voice was quiet with my effort to stay in control._

"_Bella… this is really _none_ of your business," Renee began._

"_None of my business?" I cried, all thoughts of control flying out the window. "He HIT you!" I was breathing hard and tears leaked out of my eyes. I didn't think I could have been angrier or in more pain if I'd been the recipient of the abuse. This was my _mother _that James had hurt. "We're getting out of here. We're going back home now!"_

"_No, we're not," Renee said softly. How could she be so calm? What the hell was wrong with her? "We're staying right here and you will not say one word about this to anyone. One. Word," she warned._

"_But, Mom! That bastard fucking HIT YOU!" My face jerked sharply to the side as I felt a hard crack on my cheek. My palm immediately flew up to soothe the hot sting. She'd never so much as spanked me in my life. Apparently it was possible for me to be even angrier at James. He'd done this, too._

"_I didn't raise you to speak that way, Isabella!"_

"_You didn't raise me to let men beat me either, Mom! How could you be so stupid?"_

"_He promised me it would never happen again, Bella." Her voice was softer now, pleading with me. "We love each other, and I made him angry. I shouldn't have done it." I stood there, silent, as she came up and enfolded me in her arms. "Everything will be fine, honey. It will be like this never happened. Please don't confront James about this." She held me by the shoulders and looked me square in the eye, blue eyes burning into mine. Her gaze was urgent, and I didn't entirely understand what she was trying to convey. She probably didn't want me to cause trouble, and I certainly didn't want to make him do anything else to her._

_I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That was such an utter load of bullshit. What had happened to my strong-willed mother, the one who had left Charlie to move to a new city with a seven-month-old infant? I shook my head, wrapping my arms around her gently, not wanting to aggravate the bruises. I squeezed my eyes shut against her shoulder, hot tears leaking out onto her skin._

"_Mom, we can't let this happen again. Do you promise we'll leave if it happens again?"_

"_It won't happen again, honey, I promise," she whispered._

_She didn't answer my question._

_////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////_

_We spent the next six months in a state of wary avoidance. We hadn't spoken of the bruises again, but the oppressive feelings of sadness and insecurity continued to permeate the house. I tucked my anger at James away into its own special place in my mind; isolating it from the feelings I let everyone else see. _

_I sat at the kitchen island, trying to work on trig homework. My gaze frequently strayed down the utility hall and the door at the end. James's darkroom. It was right next to the back door of the house, and no one was allowed in there but him. He said it was because he kept delicate camera equipment and antique photography relics in there. He didn't want anything to be damaged. Like I cared about his fancy cameras. I wouldn't have cared about the room at all if he hadn't made such a big deal about staying out of it. I thought about slipping in there one night and trashing something. If he wanted to beat on my mother, then I was going to damage something of his._

_I knew better than to act on those desires, because it would probably cause trouble for Renee. I gave up on the homework and took my Discman out to the backyard. The sun was setting and the night air was cool. I grabbed a blanket from the basket on the porch and settled in the hammock in the far corner of the yard. _

_I must have fallen asleep. I awoke to scraping noises on the patio. The CD had long since stopped and the headphones didn't muffle any sounds. My eyes opened; I could see James on the patio, dragging a very large, oblong bag out to his truck. He was grunting and straining; the bag was obviously __very heavy. My heart began to pound and I stayed completely still, my instincts kicking in to warn me that it would be very bad if he saw me out here. I was thankful for the size of the yard and the darkness of the new moon above. It was impossible to see this corner of the yard from the patio at night._

_I watched in silence as he hefted the bag into the truck bed and went back inside. _What the hell was he doing_? He was back again minutes later, this time trailing his carry-on bag that he used for business trips. I waited until the headlights disappeared down the street before I jumped out of the hammock, nearly falling in my hurry. What if my mother had been in that bag? It was certainly big enough to hold a body. Suddenly consumed with panic, I ran inside, calling for Renee. She didn't answer. I skidded to a stop in the doorway of their bedroom; I sighed in relief as I saw her lying on the bed asleep. _

_I went back to my room and thought about all the unusual things I'd noticed about James in the last few months. I'd seen quite a few strange things in this house since Renee and I had moved in. Late-night visitors, weird noises at night… I'd tried to mind my own business and keep an eye on Renee. I was constantly watching for any further signs of abuse. We'd had no more incidents like my birthday, but that didn't mean that it wasn't happening. But now I had to try and make sense out of everything else I'd noticed, because I knew now, more than ever, that there were other things about him that were very wrong. And it had to do with that darkroom. It was then that I made the decision to find out what was really in there._

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

**Present Day**

I awoke early, blinking slowly to let my eyes adjust to the sunlight streaming through the sheer curtains of the bedroom window. I was cocooned in the soft cotton of Edward's bedspread. He was curled behind me as usual, one arm slung around my waist. His deep, even breaths told me he was still asleep. I thought back to the first time I had awoken here less than six weeks ago and marveled at the polarity of the feelings I now felt at waking up in his arms. I turned to face him slowly so as not to wake him. Propping my head up on my elbow, I watched him. His sharp features were softened in relaxation. He looked young, boyish and relaxed. His cheeks were flushed from sleep. I loved to watch him like this.

When he was sleeping, I could stare at him for as long as I wanted without worrying about what he might read in my gaze. In a way, it was similar to how he had watched me before our first meeting. I learned things about Edward while he slept. I observed and recorded, and filed each tidbit away for the future, the future that more than likely would not include him. I learned that he never liked it when he wasn't touching some part of me as we slept. He almost always slept on his right side or on his stomach, pulling me as close to him as possible. If I moved away, he followed; if I slept fitfully, so did he.

I traced his cheekbone with the tip of my finger, smiling when he wrinkled his nose at the light sensation. Next I brushed my finger along his soft lower lip; he drew in a deep breath and licked his lips before slowly opening his eyes. The spring green of his eyes was so startling to me. I didn't think I would ever forget the color of Edward's beautiful eyes. His lips stretched into my favorite sleepy, crooked smile.

"Hi," I whispered.

"Morning." His voice was deep and rough with sleep. He blinked a few more times at the unusual sunshine of the morning, a soft yawn escaping him. "Let's go back to sleep," he grumbled, pushing me onto my back and throwing his leg over my thighs. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and sighed.

"I'm not sleepy anymore. I'll go make us some food."

"Not hungry," he pouted. "Stay. I'm too comfortable." He pulled me even closer to him, plastering the length of his body against mine. His lips brushed my neck as he spoke, the ticklish sensation causing chills to pucker my skin. I sighed, trying to relax into his hold as I raised my hand to play in his hair and stared at the ceiling.

I was nervous because tonight we were having dinner with Edward's brother, Emmett, and his wife Rosalie. I didn't know how I felt about meeting some of Edward's family. _Would they like me? Would they notice that I wasn't normal?_ I tried to tell him that I didn't think it would be a very good idea for him to introduce us. He wouldn't hear of it. He was always very angry when I tried to remind him that I wasn't any good for him. His jaw would tense and his eyes would become cold chips of green ice.

"You have no clue, Bella. None," he would say. "It makes me happy to be with you. Does it make you happy to be with me?"

My answer was always yes. Of course it made me happy to be with him, but at the same time, I felt incredible sadness; I knew that it wouldn't last forever. I was just happy to greedily take whatever time I could with him and burn every memory we made together into my brain. Because the time would come when he no longer wanted me, when I would hurt him so badly or make him so angry that he would give up. Or I would suck the life from him until he was a shadow of the man I now knew, and I would be forced to walk away to spare him.

I sifted the soft strands of his hair through my fingers over and over; he made a soft sound of contentment against my neck. I could feel his smile against my skin.

"Trying to sleep here," he murmured before pressing a kiss on my neck. His arms tightened again and he pressed his hips against me. It seemed like sleeping wasn't the only thing on his mind. I squirmed at the light touch of his lips. "Not helping, Bella."

"It's your fault. Your lips are tickling me!" I gasped as he trailed his lips in feather-light touches all over the skin of my neck and shoulder, his morning stubble scraping my sensitive skin. I squirmed again, trying to break out of his tight hold and get up, but he just leaned even further over me, pinning me to the bed. He kissed my neck in earnest now, licking and nibbling at my flesh; I began to relax and enjoy the firmer touches of his mouth.

"Maybe I _am_ hungry." I knew that tone. It was the tone he used to get what he wanted.

"Okay, I'll go make breakfast," I said lightly, pushing on his shoulders. He gave a little growl into my neck, setting off another fit of squirming from me. He managed to wedge his hips between my thighs when I moved, and suddenly the hard length of him was pressed flush against my heated center.

"Don't want food," he mumbled into my neck before kissing his way up to my jaw. He pulled back, hovering above my lips, green eyes gazing sleepily down at me. His lips kicked up at one corner, showing me just a hint of that crooked grin. I returned his smile lazily and moved my hands to link them at the small of his back. His hand drifted slowly down my side and palmed my hip. "I have breakfast right here," he said and took my lips in a gentle kiss.

My eyes drifted shut as we kissed; his hands roamed my body as he nudged his erection against me. He cupped my cheek in his large hand as he broke the kiss and I opened my eyes to find his gaze fixed on mine.

"Bella?" I knew what he was asking. He knew I would never deny him this. I forced back the feelings it stirred in me just to know that he would ask.

"Yes," I responded soundlessly, my lips merely forming the word. He kissed me again, his lips claiming mine just as he claimed my body with his own. I memorized every movement we made together, trying to reconcile the emotions he raised in me so easily. He moved above me gently, murmuring soft words of encouragement, telling me I was beautiful and how much I pleased him, letting the sensations build until we let go together. I knew one thing as we drifted back to sleep: I wasn't Edward Cullen's friend. Friendship didn't go as deep as the feelings I had for him, at least it hadn't in my experience. I hadn't thought I was capable of sharing this much of myself with someone ever again. I wasn't sure I wanted to, but it was too late to stop it now.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We decided to spend that afternoon outside and enjoy the weather. We went down to Pike Place Market and played tourist, holding hands as we walked through the Fish Market and waded through the crowds. We stopped at Pike Place Chowder for messy Dungeness crab rolls and creamy clam chowder. When we received our order, we took it outside and sat in the warm sunshine to eat. We sat catty-corner to one another at one of the café tables, heads together, observing the chaos around us. We spent a long lunch spotting fanny packs and sandals with tube socks, while Edward and I made up insane stories about the people that walked by.

The more time I spent with Edward, the more I realized that I was happier than I'd been in ten years. I was grateful for him. He made my life interesting. He made it easier for me to just… be. I almost forgot that I needed to be on my guard at all times, to use my wariness as a shield. This feeling also made it easier for me to avoid the issues I knew I needed to deal with. But I couldn't bring myself to bring them into our relationship. I hadn't spoken with him about my past since the anniversary of my mother's death last week. I knew it hurt him that I wasn't more forthcoming, but I didn't want anything to spoil my pseudo-happiness.

"You're quiet all of a sudden," Edward observed.

"I'm just thinking about tonight. I'm nervous." I looked at the remains of our lunch as we spoke. He reached out and touched my hand, and I met his concerned gaze.

"Why? I can't wait for you to meet Emmett and Rosalie. They can't wait to meet _you_. They're anxious to meet this new girl that I spend all my time with." He grinned at me, and I couldn't help but return his smile. I found myself smiling quite often around him without a second thought.

"You're seeing someone else?" I asked, acting surprised. I finally felt comfortable in teasing him occasionally. He raised an eyebrow at me and smirked, looking me up and down before answering.

"Like I could handle anyone else. You're a handful. Trying to get out of bed early in the morning and depriving me of my full body pillow, messing up my CD collection…"

I laughed as I recalled the afternoon he'd come home to me rearranging his CDs alphabetically. Edward had an extensive collection of music that appeared to have no rhyme or reason. I couldn't see any decipherable pattern to the way they were shoved onto the shelves, so I'd busied myself for an afternoon by alphabetizing his CDs. His face had looked stricken, and he might have been near tears. Apparently the music was organized by time period, then genre, and finally artist. I still couldn't see why that was a better system than alphabetization, but he'd been so upset that I'd spent the rest of the afternoon apologizing to him in a way that he was most agreeable with. I was no longer allowed to touch his music.

"I can't help it that your music collection is where many of your OCD tendencies are concentrated."

"I am _not_ OCD," he scoffed. I smiled and patted his hand patronizingly.

"Sure you're not, Edward." He grinned at me suddenly, pulling me to his side in a tight one-armed hug. "What's this for? I just insulted you."

"I'm just glad to see you happy and smiling. Even if it's at my expense."

I fought to keep the smile on my face. I was glad that he was happy, but his comment just served as a reminder of all the reasons why happiness was foreign to me. I pushed those thoughts away, determined not to let them ruin this beautiful afternoon.

"You definitely give me plenty of material to work with." He snorted at that, and I had to laugh. There was just something funny about that noise coming from that face.

"I'll give you some material," he growled into my ear. His hand slipped off my shoulder and snaked under my arm, the top of his hand brushing the underside of my breast as he rested it on my ribs. I grabbed his hand and tried to move it to an area that was less likely to get us arrested for lewd behavior, looking around to make sure no one was watching us. It wouldn't budge.

"You'd better stop that, or I'm rearranging your sheet music collection tomorrow," I threatened, my voice firm. I was sure the effect would be ruined by the rather large grin on my face, but he froze anyway.

"You wouldn't dare."

"I would," I laughed. "You never use it anyway. I haven't ever seen you play… " One corner of his living room was dominated by a large, shiny black baby grand piano. Most of the time the bench was covered in newspapers and books. "I bet that huge piano is just for looks. How pretentious you are."

"I play," he protested. "I just haven't had much time lately. I'm busy with something else." He gave me a lustful look and I rolled my eyes. "Maybe I'll play for you. I can't have you thinking I'm pretentious." He looked at his watch and sighed. "We'd better get going if we don't want to be late for dinner; it's three o'clock already."

"We're not meeting them until six-thirty," I said, puzzled.

"I know," he replied, looking at me through his lashes. He stood up, tugging me to my feet up against him by the wrist. He spoke next to my ear. "I have plans before we leave."

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Edward's plans were thwarted by work. He'd been called into Denali to fix a shipment discrepancy. He'd dropped me off at my apartment, promising he'd be by to pick me up at six. I was usually at a loss as to what I should do with my time when I wasn't with Edward. I didn't have enough time to make an attempt at writing, and I had already debated on about five different outfits for the dinner tonight, finally choosing a royal blue knit dress that fell to the knee. It was sleeveless, so I had a soft black cashmere shrug to cover the scar on my arm. I didn't feel like explaining _that_ to Edward's family.

I pulled a barstool over to the refrigerator and stood on it carefully. Bracing my hand on top of the fridge, I opened the cabinet above and pulled out my bottle of absinthe. I knew I would need a little help to get through tonight. _It won't hurt if you just have one_. I was doing a better job of not drinking when Edward was around, which was often. I was drinking less, but that didn't mean that I didn't still crave it. I noticed that my tremors didn't appear as often, so I supposed that my body was getting used to having less alcohol. I was thankful for that. I couldn't fool myself into thinking I was getting better though. I was afraid I was simply supplementing one addiction with the other.

I gathered a sugar cube and my absinthe spoon, grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, and set them on the coffee table. I plugged my iPod into the dock and hit shuffle. The sultry bell tones of Sublime's "Doin' Time" filled the room. I filled a bowl glass half full of absinthe and returned the bottle to the cabinet. Sinking into the soft couch cushions, I set the spoon over the rim of the glass and placed the sugar cube on top. I sighed in relief as I let the ice cold water trickle out of the bottle onto the sugar. The cloud of sediment it created slowly expanded until there was no more transparent liquid.

I was excited. This feeling of exhilaration was just as potent as the feeling I had when Edward and I were together. It wasn't the same, but I couldn't compare them. Both feelings held equal importance for me. My phone rang as I took the first large sip. _ALICE_, the display read. I smiled. We had rekindled our friendship after that night at Denali. I was grateful that she hadn't given up on me after all.

"Hi, Alice." I took another drink. "How are you?"

"Shitty," she answered. "Jasper's late getting home from one of his reenactments."

"You mean you didn't want to go with him?" I knew that trudging around in mud all day was definitely not on the top of Alice's list of fun things to do.

"Hell, no! I swear Jasper is the only non-creepy person there. All the other men are old perverts with dirty beards and bad teeth. The women are even worse. And you should see what they all wear!" she complained.

"You do realize that they're wearing costumes, right Alice?" I smirked and then downed the rest of my drink.

"I know the _participants_ are wearing costumes, but you should see the spectators! I've never seen so many car show t-shirts and pleated bleach-washed jeans in my life! And I've certainly never seen more mullets concentrated in such a tiny geographical area! Fuck my life!"

"I'm sorry, Alice," I said, at a loss for words. I couldn't blame her; the mental picture was a bit horrifying.

"Enough about me. How are you?" That question again. I really hated it. I'd been enjoying this conversation.

"Better," I hedged. "Edward and I have been spending a lot of time together. It… helps."

"How is Edward?" she asked.

"He's great. He's almost too good to be true. If it wasn't for his OCD music collection, I might be worried."

"That bad, huh?" she laughed.

"Worse," I said dryly. "You'd have thought I'd kicked him in the balls by the look on his face when he found me rearranging his CDs."

"Jasper's like that with his reenactment gear. And he has this collection of letters from the Civil War, written by his great-great-great grandfather. I thought he was going to explode when he caught me reading them. 'Those are not to be _handled_, Alice! The oil from your fingers can eat away at the paper, Alice!'" she mocked.

"It's good they have flaws. If they didn't we'd just spend more time looking for something wrong." We shared a laugh, and then Alice grew silent.

"Have you talked to him? About Phoenix?" she asked tentatively.

"He knows Renee is dead. I didn't tell him why." I got up and took my empty glass to the kitchen. _One more wouldn't hurt, would it?_

"Bella, you really should talk to him about it. Especially since you two are spending so much time together. How can you have a real relationship if you're not willing to open up?"

"I'm trying. But this 'relationship' isn't going to last forever. Sooner or later he's going to realize that I'm not worth the effort to fix," I said.

"Stop it. Don't you think he would have given up by now if he didn't care about you?"

I knew he cared for me. I just didn't think it would be enough when he finally knew the truth. I retrieved the bottle of absinthe from the cabinet again, barely catching myself as I teetered on the barstool.

"It's hard, Alice. Things are going so well… I just don't want to ruin it."

"You're going to have to say something eventually," she chided.

"Okay, let's just drop it for now. Please?"

She sighed. "Okay. For now."

"Thank you." I began to prepare my second drink of the night.

"I have one more thing to ask," she began.

"What? I'm not going to one of those reenactments with you," I joked. It was a feeble attempt to lighten the conversation.

"I want to take you to an open AA meeting on Wednesday." I sucked in a deep breath, fighting back the urge to scream at her.

_What the fuck? She's not my mother! My mother's fucking dead!_

"Alice… no." It was all I could say. I swallowed half the second glass, breathing deeply through the burn that followed. _Why was she doing this now?_

"Bella… please. Don't you think Edward would want you to go? Don't you think _your mom_ would want you to go?" she pleaded. _God. That was a low blow_. I almost hated her in that instant. I knew she meant well, but I didn't want to deal with this right now. I knew Renee would be devastated to see me today. If I could do this one small thing…

I thought about Edward. I knew he wanted me to go, knew it would make him happy. I tossed back the remains of my drink and sighed. I braced a hand on the counter, squeezing my eyes shut. Could I do it?

_I_ _could try. For him. For Renee. For Alice. For me, I wasn't so sure._

I could at least go. I promised myself I could have a drink afterwards if it didn't go well. I didn't know if I could sit with all those self-righteous _recovering alcoholics_, just waiting to shove their beliefs on the rest of us, waiting to pass judgment on those of us who simply weren't ready to quit.

I knew I had a problem. I just wasn't bad enough to want to stop yet. I didn't know if I _could_ stop.

"Wednesday, you said?" I asked. "What time should I be there?"

"Are you serious, Bella?" Alice sounded ecstatic. "You promise you'll come?"

"Yes, Alice. I promise."

"I'll pick you up at five. We'll go to dinner first, just the two of us."

I knew I would regret this. I'd only end up disappointing her. I'd only end up disappointing Edward. But I had to try. I had to do _something_.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**A/N:** *gasp* was there _fluff _in there? I'm not too sure about this one… I tried a lot of things, but nothing seemed to really please me. I really wanted to show how she is opening up to him in her own codependent way. I don't know if I accomplished it or not. So it is what it is. Sorry if this chapter was a little slow. I needed to set up this dinner shit.

I didn't mean to offend anyone that regularly attends Civil War battle reenactments. I figured you all needed something funny in this story, so I just drew upon what I know best to supply it: my childhood in southeastern Missouri. But if you have a mullet and are reading this, PLEASE GET HELP. It's 2009, not 1989. I'm not even sure if it was cool _THEN._

If you've got questions, come and chat with me on the Ritual thread at Twilighted. The link's on my profile page.

**Let me know what you thought. Reviews are better than absinthe.**


	6. Chapter 6: Faking It

Disclaimer: I don't own.

Okay, guys. Some of you have been asking for this *cough* cheddah… irene… So I'm giving it a go. I just about ripped my hair out with this one. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

Thanks to my betas and VLPs irebporti and stavanger1.

This chapter is dedicated to Lady_QE for having the guts to put an author's note in the middle of a lemon.

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**Silversun Pickups – "Catch and Release"**

Follow me  
Want to live in a fantasy  
Quietly  
Show you everything you'll ever need  
I hope you'll take it  
I know you're faking just a little bit  
Come on and taste it  
Just get excited 'cause you're giving in

Come and see  
How the wind in your hair will feel differently  
Catch and release  
The lure above

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

**BPOV**

After I hung up with Alice, I put the absinthe back in its hiding spot and tidied up my mess. I took a few minutes to put the conversation out of my mind. I needed to focus all my thoughts on getting through this dinner.

I checked the clock; Edward would be here very soon. I slipped on the royal blue dress and touched up my light makeup. I was pinning my hair into a loose twist when I saw Edward behind me. I met his eyes in the mirror and smiled.

"You look beautiful." I turned around to greet him and his eyes raked me up and down.

He looked so handsome in his black button down and trousers. I called this his "Johnny Cash" look. The sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and I could see the hint of a white t-shirt peeking out of the open collar. The monochromatic outfit only served to emphasize his pale skin and striking hair and eyes.

He smirked at me, obviously amused by my staring. I blushed. "Thanks. You look nice too," I said sheepishly. He frowned.

"Only nice? I agonize over what to wear to impress you and I get 'nice'?" He hung his head and turned to leave the room. I let him go. He always got his way with me, so I decided to let him stew and turned back to the mirror to finish getting ready. When I looked up, he was back in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, staring at my reflection. His brows were knit together and his bottom lip poked out.

"How old are you again? I could have sworn you were thirty, not three." His mouth dropped open in mock surprise.

"Are you trying to tell me you can resist the Cullen Pout?" I nodded, grinning. He uncrossed his arms and walked towards me, stopping a few inches away. "And you _know_ I'm not a toddler," he said in a sultry tone, leaning closer and wrapping his arms around my back.

**EPOV**

I was seriously considering firing my second-in-command for the hundredth time. Laurent couldn't do inventory for shit. This was almost a weekly occurrence. I hoped I could solve his latest fuck-up quickly; I still needed to run home and change for dinner tonight. I'd had big plans for the rest of the afternoon, but those went out the window the moment I saw Laurent's name on the phone display.

Bella. She seemed to be improving. She'd actually teased me today. Twice. She'd smiled a lot. Our outing today was… normal. It gave me so much hope that she _would_ get better; that I was helping her get better. I knew I was no substitution for treatment programs or AA, but surely I was a good influence? She was drinking less, and I knew she wasn't going to Denali at night. She stayed at home if I had to go in, and I was with her if I wasn't working. I _was_ helping her.

_Right. You'll really be helping her when she finds out you've been lying to her._

I ran my hand through my hair and forced the thought out of my mind. She would understand. Eventually. She would have never agreed to give this thing between us a try if she knew. She _had _to understand. This girl had taken over my life, and I didn't want to lose her. She was broken, but she was _mine_. I wasn't giving her up without a fight. And I _would_ help her heal. I had to.

I dressed quickly in one of Bella's favorites, all black. I didn't even pay attention to my hair, because that shit was hopeless. I hopped in the Volvo and made record time on the short drive to Bella's, parking behind her rusty red behemoth. I scowled at it as I walked by. It was a monstrosity, but she loved the giant POS. I was still working out how to browbeat her into accepting a new car. It wasn't like I didn't have the money. She always insisted that it got her where she needed to go, and that was enough. I didn't agree. I worried about her enough without adding that decrepit truck into the equation.

I let myself into Bella's apartment and looked around. She must not have been ready yet. I scanned the living room for glasses before making my way to the kitchen. I let out a sigh of relief when I found no evidence that she'd been drinking. I wanted her to be herself when she met Emmett and Rose, because I knew they'd love her as much as I did if she showed them the real Bella.

I knew I loved her. I tried to show her with every touch, every gesture. I couldn't voice my feelings, because I knew nothing would send her running faster than hearing those words. I lived for the day I could tell her how I felt… and to have her return those feelings… I wanted nothing more. I'd wanted it since the first day I saw her. I felt like a fucking girl admitting it to myself, but I'd long since stopped fighting it. It just _was_.

I stopped in the bathroom doorway, watching her finish her hair. It was a waste of time pinning it up like that. I was just going to mess it up later.

"You look beautiful." I couldn't resist looking her up and down hungrily; she was stunning in royal blue. Her skin was smooth and creamy pale, and my hands itched with the memory of the softness of her flesh. I smirked at her as she stared back at me. Johnny Cash was working his magic.

"Thanks. You look nice too," she said. I watched as she flushed that soft pink, the color spreading from her cheeks to the tops of her breasts visible between the v-neck. I wanted to trace the path with my tongue. I needed a distraction or we'd never leave.

"Only nice? I agonize over what to wear to impress you and I get 'nice'?" I asked, hanging my head to hide my twitching lips. I turned away, hoping she'd come after me and I could wrangle her into a kiss. She didn't take the bait, however, so I went crawling back for more attention.

I leaned against the doorframe and pouted; she still didn't bite. She accused me of acting like a toddler, and I – of course – had to set her straight. She of all people knew there was nothing _little_ about me. When she reached up to give me a quick kiss, I wrapped my arms around her back and pulled her to my chest. I kept my lips pressed to hers, swiping my tongue across her lower lip, begging to be let in. My Bella never denied me this. Her lips parted on a sigh and I deepened the kiss, twining my tongue with hers, absorbing her taste.

But she didn't taste like Bella. She tasted like absinthe, and all the progress I'd catalogued in my mind disappeared instantly as I was thrown back to the first night I'd seen her…

_I stalked through the back door of the bar, angry that I'd been called in on my night off. I had plans with Emmett. Rosalie had finally agreed to let him out of the house for a little well-deserved guy time. I'd had to drop Emmett back at his house before dinner; all because Laurent couldn't figure out how to fucking reconcile the bills of lading with the actual shipment. I didn't know much more than he did. I'd only owned the bar for two months, but at least I knew how to add. It was my bar, so when everything went to hell I was the one they called._

_I shook my head, trying to relieve some of the anger before I had to speak to any employees. No one wanted to work for an ogre of a boss. No one knew that better than me. It was why I was currently attempting to run a bar in downtown Seattle instead of sitting in a cushy corner office as an investment banker in Chicago. Thank God I'd left that job. Granted, it had given me the means to be comfortable for the rest of my life, but I was much happier here in Seattle. I didn't feel so disconnected from actual people here. My family was here. It was home._

_I tossed my coat and scarf on the chair in the corner of my office and shook the rain out of my hair. The near perpetual rain was one thing I hadn't missed about Seattle. I heard a knock on the doorframe and looked up to see Laurent sneaking into the office like a rat. _

_"Hey, Edward… sorry about the shipment. I must have transposed wrong or something." He scratched his dreads nervously before sticking his hands in his pockets. I knew it was all an act to garner sympathy. He was good at it, but it no longer worked on me._

_"Sampling the merchandise, Laurent?" I asked. In spite of his horrible math skills, he was a good manager. He was good with the staff and he was quite intimidating when we needed to deal with rowdy customers. "I'm demoting you to bouncer if it happens again." He certainly looked the part, with his tall frame and long dreadlocks. _

_"Yeah, you do that, Ed. I'd like to see your pretty ass in here every night without a day off," he snorted. _

_"I mean it. Even Rain Man could figure out these shipments. I only ask you to handle them when I can't be here. I'd like to know I can count on you to help me out. And don't fucking call me Ed."_

_"Rain Man was a math genius, Ed. Remember?" I shook my head, disgusted with his refusal to use the name I preferred. It was probably never going to change. That pissed me off even more._

_"Right. Just work on it, okay? It's kind of a necessary skill to have if you want to keep this job."_

_"I'll get it, I'll get it. Hey – that chick's here again. The absinthe girl. You should go check her out. She's hot. I bet if anyone can get her to talk, it's you, pretty boy," he laughed._

_"Fuck you, Laurent," I said, smirking. "I have to fix your spectacularly shitty math first."_

_After making sure the shipment was in order, I headed out to the floor. I had to admit, I was curious about this girl. Laurent was behind the bar, flirting with the customers and helping prepare orders for the cocktail waitresses. I planted my elbows on the bar, grabbing a cherry out of the tray. He held up a bottle of Crown, silently asking if I wanted any. I nodded; he poured two fingers and set it in front of me._

_"So, where's the absinthe girl?" I asked. Laurent pointed to a table near the bar where a petite brunette sat alone. Her head was bent, a cascade of dark waves shielding her face. She was writing in a composition notebook. _

_"Is she a writer?" I continued to stare in her direction. That hair was amazing. All those soft-looking chocolate waves… I pictured it spread over my cream-colored sheets. I could see it wrapped around my fists, holding her in place as I thrust into her from behind. Better yet, spread across my stomach…_

Jesus, Cullen. You haven't even seen her face yet.

_"We think. She never really talks to anyone. She just drinks and writes." He shrugged. "She drinks a lot. Too much. We've had to call cabs for her before so she wouldn't drive herself home."_

_As I watched, one of the waitresses approached her with a new glass of absinthe. She looked up, brushing her hair behind her shoulder. Cold washed over me in a wave, followed by a fire so hot sweat prickled my brow. I felt my heartbeat in my ears as image after explicit image of the things I wanted to do to her bombarded my brain. I tossed back the entire glass of Crown, the burn helping to bring me back to reality._

_She was beautiful. Her skin was pale, translucent, with full pink lips in a heart-shaped face. But her eyes… her eyes were bittersweet chocolate, and so haunted, lifeless. I wanted to banish that look from her eyes. I wanted to destroy anything that had hurt her; to pick her up and carry her home and keep her there, where I could make sure nothing ever hurt her again._

_My whole body burned, my hair stood on end, and I was itching with electricity. _

_"What's her name?" My voice was hard, short._

_"I don't know, Ed. She never talks to any of us."_

_"She has to pay, doesn't she? Does she use a card?" I demanded. He nodded. "Then find out that way." He looked at me strangely, like I'd lost my mind. And maybe I had. _

**BPOV**

_Shit. I'd forgotten to brush my teeth._ I froze, my brain working frantically to come up with an explanation.

"I was nervous, Edward!" His arms dropped from around my waist and he stepped back quickly. I shivered at the loss of warmth. "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have done it." I didn't know what else to say. I _was_ sorry; sorry I'd been found out.

"Are you drunk?" he asked harshly. "How many did you have?"

"I'm not drunk. Do I look drunk to you?" My voice rose with every word. Why didn't he understand that I needed it? I wasn't drunk; I felt good. I needed a safety net this evening. I couldn't do this on my own, and not even Edward by my side would be enough to make me feel confident.

"How many did you have?" He pinched the bridge of his nose and bowed his head. His shoulders were rigid with tension as he leaned against the bathroom wall. I turned my back on him and began to brush my teeth. It was too late, but it made me feel better anyway. I took my time, trying to decide if I was going to lie.

"Two. About thirty minutes ago. I'm fine." I put away my toothbrush and went to him, walking very deliberately, not wanting to stumble or sway. Resting my palm on his forearm, I asked, "Are you afraid I'm going to embarrass you? I wouldn't _do_ that, Edward."

"Not on purpose."

I took a step back, my mouth dropping open in shock at the wave of hurt that washed over me. "You're ashamed of me," I whispered, looking at the floor. The tiles began to blur as my eyes filled with tears. I had always felt he had good reason to feel that way, but he constantly denied it. I was surprised at how much it hurt to have my own thoughts confirmed.

"No, Bella… I'm not ashamed, I just…" He sighed and stepped forward, pulling me into a hug and resting his chin on my head. I made no move to hug him back; my arms hung limply at my sides. "I'm disappointed and frustrated. You've been happier lately, more relaxed. I guess I thought you might be able to do this without the alcohol."

"Edward, I'm sorry," I choked out, squeezing my eyes shut, trying not to cry in earnest.

"Let me finish, okay? I feel guilty too. I feel guilty that I've forced you into something you feel you can't handle without drinking. But dammit, they're my family, and I want them to meet you! I want them to know how special you are to me.

"Bella, _you_ are my life now, but you don't seem to want to make any effort to be part of my life other than sleeping with me! How do you think it makes me feel to know that you have to get drunk just to meet my brother?" I jerked back as far as he would allow, searching his face. He stared at me intently, those bright green eyes radiating pain, desperation, and – fear?

_What did he just say?_ No, he couldn't mean that. I couldn't handle my own life! I didn't want to be – no, I _couldn't_ be – his life. _Right?_ I blinked at him, stunned, as I tried to process his words. _What did that mean? Did he love me? Did I _want_ him to love me? Was I that selfish?_

_I did. _

_I was._

**EPOV**

I stared down at Bella, panic rushing like fire through my veins. I could feel her trembling; it reverberated throughout my body. Maybe it was me that was shaking. I wasn't sure.

_Fucking stupid! How could I have let that slip? _

She blinked up at me, her dark eyes shiny with tears that welled up and spilled onto her cheeks. I cupped her face in my hands, wiping the tears away with my thumbs. My heart was pounding with fear. I was terrified that this was it; she would leave now and never come back. Her hands shot up to my neck and she tugged, pulling me down to her level. I held her gaze, not wanting to risk breaking eye contact knowing that I might have screwed this up for good. Eyes wide open, she simply pressed her lips to mine for a long moment before pulling back and laying her head on my chest. I hugged her tightly, trying to slow my breathing and heartbeat.

I didn't know what had just happened, but she was still here. She hadn't run from me. Adrenaline hit me like a tidal wave, sweeping over me, heat prickling over my skin from head to toe. It was almost painful; like pins and needles after losing blood flow to an extremity. I buried my face in her hair and we stood still, in the middle of the bathroom. She was still trembling, small shudders intermittently shaking her small frame. I didn't want to be the one to break the silence, so I waited.

"I'm so, so sorry," she whispered. "Edward, I… I care about you. I don't just want to sleep with you." She pulled back to look me in the eyes and swallowed hard. "I didn't want to disappoint you, but I've done it anyway. It's intimidating, knowing I'm meeting people you care about. I only have my Dad, and he loves me, but we're not… we're not close. I've been more or less alone for a long time."

I couldn't speak for a moment. I hated feeling this way. I had all this… shit boiling inside me and I couldn't voice a word of it. I'd already said too much. Not for the first time, I wished that I could tell her everything. What I felt for her. We'd been pretending this whole time. I knew it was time to stop. I couldn't sit back and watch this anymore. Since I wasn't willing to give her up, that meant we had to discuss the elephant in the room.

I sighed. "I can call Emmett and cancel." I didn't want to put her through that if it was going to be that hard. If we stayed home then we could talk about where to go from here. I was done catering to her problem. Her acceptance of my slip had given me some courage, some hope that maybe she cared enough to get help.

"No, Edward, I can go. I'd like to meet your brother. Really. I can handle it… at least, if you still want to introduce me."

God, I didn't fucking know _what_ to do. I wanted her to meet them. She was wrong, I wasn't ashamed of her. I was afraid. I was afraid of how she would react to them under the influence. Not because she might embarrass me, but because I knew how she would take it later if she did something wrong. Emmett and Rose didn't know anything about her. Not like I did. I weighed my options. If I insisted we cancel, she'd definitely think I was ashamed of her. But if we went ahead with our dinner plans, I might be subjecting her to too much scrutiny from my family. I was screwed either way. _Fuck_.

"Let's get you something to eat before we go," I said. It was taking the easy way out. I'd rather she be upset with Emmett and Rose than me, if it came to that. She smiled tentatively as she brushed the remaining tears off her face.

"Let me fix this mess, and I'll be ready," she said, gesturing to her tear streaked face. I nodded and went to the kitchen, where I made her a peanut butter sandwich. That ought to help sober her up a bit. It had always worked for Jazz and me after getting shitfaced in college. I started to pour her a glass of milk, but then I thought better of it and grabbed a bottle of water instead. Milk and alcohol was never a good combination.

I met her as she was coming out of the bathroom. She spotted the plate in my hand and brightened a bit. "Peanut butter?" I nodded and held it up for her to take. She took a large bite and closed her eyes. "Thanks," she said, her voice muffled by the sticky peanut butter. I followed her to the kitchen and we sat at the breakfast bar. I let myself chuckle at the enthusiasm with which she demolished the sandwich. _Just put the last twenty minutes behind you, Cullen. It's not gonna go well if you keep expecting something bad to happen._

"What? Do I have peanut butter on my face?" she asked, turning to go check her face. I caught her elbow and pulled her to stand between my knees. I held her jaw, turning her face this way and that, pretending to do a thorough check for stray peanut butter.

"Well, I don't _see_ any…" I trailed off. I leaned even closer and trailed my nose along her jaw and across her cheeks, stopping at the corner of her mouth. "There might be some right here." I rubbed my nose across her lips, and she kissed the tip quickly. "Yep, there's definitely some right here." I kissed her bottom lip, then her top one, running my tongue softly against each one in turn. She sighed and I covered her mouth fully with mine, breathing in the scent of Bella, strawberries and sweet flowers.

She ran her hands around my sides and up to my shoulder blades, stepping closer. I loved the feel of her small, warm hands on me. In that moment, I was ready to forget all about dinner. As much as I loved Bella, I couldn't deny that _this_ was what we did best. I traced her lips with my tongue again and she opened to me, meeting me with a tentative stroke of her own. I groaned into her mouth before I pulled back, kissing her once more before resting my forehead against her shoulder.

"You ready?" I asked, rubbing her back.

She nodded and replied, "Let's go. I'm ready."

I sent a quick prayer to whoever was up there, because I sure as hell didn't know if _I_ was ready.

**BPOV **

We rode in silence on the way to the restaurant. We were meeting Emmett and Rosalie at a little Italian place called Il Bistro, under Pike Place Market. I'd never been there before, but Edward raved about it. I thought of our lunch at the market today, how relaxing and easy it had been. How fun it had been. Had that really been this afternoon? It felt like ages ago to me. Like a different lifetime. Before I'd disappointed Edward by drinking, before I'd almost ruined the evening. Before I'd agreed to go to AA with Alice. Before Edward had said… what he'd said.

I refused to let myself think about that too much. If I dwelt on it, I could find a way to talk myself into leaving. _What the hell was I doing? _

_You are my life now._

The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that he'd meant he loved me. Yet I wasn't running. I told myself that as long as he didn't come straight out and say it, I could stay. _Stop! No more!_

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the soft headrest. The smooth ride in the Volvo was almost enough to lull me to sleep, if not for the thoughts racing through my head. The peanut butter sandwich had helped marginally, but I was still feeling the effects of the absinthe. I wasn't stumbling drunk, but I was definitely feeling it. I knew I would have to carefully consider every word that came out of my mouth.

I felt Edward's hand on my thigh, squeezing gently. "Bella? We're here." I opened my eyes to see him leaning right in front of me. In the dim light from the street lamps, his eyes were the rich green of a pine forest, concerned and intense.

"I'm fine, Edward." I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. "I was just thinking; I wasn't asleep."

"Well stop thinking about what I'm going to do to you after dinner, and let's get this over with," he joked. I raised an eyebrow at him. He was all over the place tonight. I was pretty sure he was doing a little pretending of his own. He gave my leg a final squeeze and got out to come around and open my door. He held my hand as we walked in and were shown to our table, where a huge dark haired man and a stunning blonde sat with their heads together. They looked up as we approached; a huge, friendly grin broke out on his face when he saw us.

"E! What's up, man?" he practically bellowed, drawing the attention of half the diners in the room. He stood up and hauled Edward into a bear hug, his huge paw slapping him on the back so hard I think _I_ felt it. I instantly liked him. Maybe this evening wouldn't be so hard after all.

"Good to see you, Emmett," he said as they broke apart. Edward looked so happy, his grin stretching widely across his handsome face, his beautiful eyes crinkled at the corners. He met my eyes and caught me staring; I blushed and looked away for a second. The woman, Rosalie, hadn't risen from her seat. She watched me with a sort of predatory interest, much like a hawk might watch a rodent from its perch.

"Emmett, Rose, this is Bella." His voice was warm and soft, and infused me with a bit of calm. I took as much of it into me as I could. I wanted so badly to do well for Edward.

"Hi," I said, offering my hand to Emmett first, because he was closest. It trembled slightly, strictly from nerves. He ignored my hand and pulled me into a hug, almost squeezing the life out of me. "Nice to meet you," I squeaked. He let me go and I stumbled backwards into Edward's arms. He squeezed my arms briefly, silently asking if I was okay. I leaned into him, letting him know I was fine.

"Bella! It's nice to finally put a face with the name," he said. I shot Edward a quick look; he just shrugged and grinned. "This is my wife, Rosalie."

She finally stood and offered me her hand, shaking mine briefly. "Hello, Bella." Even her voice was beautiful; but cool and distant. "Nice to meet you." _Right. What the hell was her problem?_

"Bella Swan. Nice to meet you as well," I responded, smiling my best fake smile, the one I gave everyone but Edward and a few select others. Emmett and Rose shared a strange look. Emmett seemed to pale, while Rosalie's eyes widened almost imperceptibly, but they recovered quickly. _What was that all about?_ We all sat down in the booth, which I was thankful for, because I could be close to Edward. Just knowing he was inches away was comforting.

Edward put his arm around me, pulling me into his side. We shared a single menu; he pointed out his favorites, since I'd never eaten here before. I looked up, only to find Rose watching me with that all-seeing stare again. As soon as we made eye contact, she looked down at her menu, pretending she hadn't been eying me like she was trying to dissect my every move. _What the fuck? I've given her no reason to be so cold. _

I ignored her and turned back to Edward. "I'm not very hungry. What should I get? You can eat the leftovers tomorrow." I whispered in his ear. I could feel him tense as I spoke. _Were those goose bumps on his neck?_

"I'm expecting you to eat, Bella," he warned. I rolled my eyes, and he grinned. "But I love the gnocchi," he added, patting his stomach. I looked across the table; Emmett was watching us with an amused expression. Rosalie was cool as ever. The waiter came by and we placed our orders.

"So, Bella," Rosalie asked, "what is it that you do?" It was a perfectly polite question, but it wasn't as benign as it sounded.

"I write. Mostly freelance. Magazine and newspaper articles, website copy, whatever I can find. I'm trying to work on a novel."

"No, no, not as a _hobby_, Bella. What do you do for a _living_?" She smirked as she said it, teasing yet completely serious at the same time. I felt Edward stiffen next to me and the arm around me tightened a bit.

I forced a smile and replied, "That's it. Sorry it's not more exciting." I made sure my tone wasn't bitchy, but it wasn't exactly friendly either.

The waiter came back with a bottle of wine. I looked at Edward and he gave me that half smile before kissing me on the temple. I was offered wine first, but I declined. It almost made me physically sick to do so; I could have really used it. Edward beamed at me and declined as well, his show of solidarity pleasing me more than I thought possible. The waiter finished pouring just as another server came by and deposited a basket of warm bread on the table. Edward grabbed a piece for me and forced it into my hand, kissing me on the lips before whispering, "Eat."

"Yes sir," I said. I blushed as I caught Rosalie and Emmett watching me with identical speculative expressions. I pinched Edward on the thigh, trying to warn him to lay off. He was drawing more attention to me than necessary with his overt attentiveness. He quirked an eyebrow at me and shrugged unrepentantly.

I buttered the bread and bit into it to appease him. It was fresh out of the oven, warm and chewy. I closed my eyes and licked melted butter off my lip. When I opened my eyes again, I caught Edward staring at me through his eyelashes, looking at me like he was the one who should have been taking care of that butter. Rosalie cleared her throat, snapping us both to attention immediately.

"So how's Charlotte?" Edward asked, trying to act like he hadn't just been caught eye-fucking me in front of his family. Emmett and Rosalie both beamed at the question. Emmett reached for his cell phone, handing it to Edward so we could both see the screen.

"She's great, E. Growing more and more every day."

"You'll have to come by and see her, Edward. She gets into _everything_," Rose gushed. It was the most excitement I'd seen from her this evening. "She's at that stage where she just has to do everything for herself. Everything I try gets a '_No_, momma! _I_ do it!'"

"Charlotte is our baby girl," Emmett explained. "She's almost three."

On the screen was a beautiful little cherub-faced girl with rosy cheeks and her father's curly, dark brown hair. She had her mother's bright blue eyes. I smiled and tried to make an appropriate response. "She's adorable," I managed. My heart squeezed at the sight. I'd always liked children, but I knew they wouldn't be in my future. There was no way I was good enough to become a mother.

"She misses her Uncle Eddie," Rosalie scolded. "He doesn't come around as often anymore." She looked pointedly at me as she spoke.

"Yeah, I bet she does. Who wouldn't miss me?" he joked. "I'm pretty sure she likes me better than you two anyway." He squeezed my shoulder as he spoke, and I was grateful for his deflection of Rosalie's veiled accusation that I was taking Edward's time away from his niece.

"She just likes you because you spoil her," Emmett scoffed. "What toddler wouldn't like a goofball that brings toys every time he sees her?" That definitely sounded like the Edward I knew. He was very good at spoiling me.

The waiter arrived with our meals and poured more wine for Rose and Emmett. I looked at the bottle of wine, longing for a glass. Rosalie caught me looking and narrowed her eyes slightly.

"Where are you from, Bella?" she asked.

"I moved here from a little town called Forks. It's a few hours' drive from here."

"You've lived there all your life?" I could feel Edward's arm tighten around me in response to the tension that built in my frame at the question.

"No, I lived in Phoenix for a long time," I replied, moving the gnocchi around on my plate. "I moved back to Forks when I was seventeen." I speared a small dumpling and ate it, just to have something to occupy my mouth. Edward's thigh pressed against mine, trying to reassure me once again. His gesture did little to relieve my tension, but I was glad for it all the same.

"You moved right in the middle of high school, huh? That must've sucked," Emmett laughed, not picking up on my discomfort with the direction the conversation was taking.

"Yeah," I mumbled, eating another piece of gnocchi.

"So how's the guide business going?" Edward asked quickly. Emmett ran a group of hunting guides; they took groups of people out into the woods to show them how to hunt and track wild game and survive in the wild in extreme conditions.

"Great, man. You wouldn't believe how much some dumbass suit-wearing pansies are willing to pay me to show them how to look for bear shit in the woods." Edward and I laughed and Rosalie rolled her eyes, like she'd heard it a million times before.

"Bella, why did your family move back from Phoenix, if you don't mind my asking?" Rosalie again. The tone of her voice suggested she knew damn well that I wasn't comfortable with this topic. Edward glared at her and Emmett looked in her direction questioningly.

"I went to live with my father," I answered. I was suddenly parched and I grabbed the glass of water, swallowing half. Rosalie refilled her wine glass again; I nearly whimpered. I looked away and met Edward's eyes, trying to draw from his strength. He gave me a mini-version of that crooked smile and I took a deep breath, praying she would stop there.

"Why?" _Oh, God… how was I going to handle this?_

"Rosalie, give it a rest. You can't know everyone's life story in the first hour you meet them," Emmett chided. She huffed out a sigh and had a sip of wine. I let myself calm down a bit.

Thankfully Rosalie abandoned her cross examination and the conversation turned to less stressful topics, including the plans for Charlotte's third birthday and the Disneyworld vacation they'd planned for her. I mostly kept silent, responding politely when it was required of me. The server came by to clear the plates away and offered dessert; I was relieved when Edward declined. This evening hadn't been as bad as I thought it would be, but I was very much ready to leave. Rosalie picked up the nearly empty wine bottle and offered it to me.

"Here, you look like you could use it," she said. "I'm sorry about earlier. I get a little… overzealous and protective of my family. I shouldn't have badgered you." Her voice was actually warm, and her smile was genuine. _Had I passed some sort of test?_ I returned it with one of my own.

"No, thank you, Rosalie, I really shouldn't." Edward wrapped his arm around me again and hugged me lightly, grinning at me. Emmett and Rosalie shared a shocked look.

"E, man, I didn't think you had it in you! You knocked her up!" Emmett nearly shouted.

My face immediately flushed bright red as Edward and I stared at him in shock. Heads all over the restaurant turned to stare at our table.

"What? No, no!" I stammered. I was mortified. But underneath the embarrassment, I ached. That would never happen for Edward and me. _Who would want someone like me to be the mother of their child?_

"Oh, come on," Rosalie began. "She won't touch the wine, and you were practically force-feeding her that bread, Edward."

"And you obviously can't keep your mitts off her," Emmett laughed, gesturing to Edward's arm around me. "You keep giving her all those sappy looks, too. I looked at Rosie like that when she was preggers."

I looked at Edward, silently pleading with him to fix this. "Bella's not pregnant, guys. Really." I shook my head at them, reinforcing his statement. They completely ignored us.

"Wait till Mom and Dad find out." Emmett grinned, rubbing his hands together. "It's about damn time."

"I'm not pregnant." I darted my eyes around the restaurant, most of the diners had turned back to their own conversations. _Thank God for that, at least_.

Rosalie snorted. "Well if you're not pregnant, then what's up with you two? All those secret looks; Edward is hovering over you like you're an antique china doll, and you both looked nervous as hell this evening."

"It's not like you were helping the situation, Rose," Edward snapped. "Badgering her about moving, offering her wine like that, giving her the Rosalie Stare Down. Was I just supposed to throw her to the wolves?"

She waved her hand in a gesture of indifference. "She did fine, Edward. She holds her own."

"I don't appreciate it," he said through clenched teeth. "I don't like to see her upset." I watched the exchange, darting my eyes back and forth between them, wanting nothing more than to grab that bottle of wine and chug the rest.

"She's definitely pregnant," Rosalie said flatly to Emmett, who nodded.

"She's not pregnant!" Edward said, exasperated. "She's got a problem with alcohol!"

I whipped my head around, staring at him in disbelief. _How _could_ he? _ My mouth dropped open in shock and then closed with an audible snap. I was livid. My fists clenched in my lap; I could feel them trembling. I took a deep breath, fighting back the screams that roiled inside me.

"Rosalie, Emmett, please excuse me. It was very nice to meet you both." I shoved at Edward as discreetly as I could. He met my stare with fearful eyes filled with remorse. "Move," I gritted, desperate to get out of there. He let me out of the booth and began to follow me. "No." I held up a hand.

I went straight to the bar and ordered grappa, the strongest thing they had.

*******

A/N: Okay, guys. Give it to me. Hate it? Like it? Ambivalent?

This is probably the most difficult time I've ever had with a chapter. I hope I can improve over time with the EPOV. I hear it gets better after the first time (wow, I've heard _that_ before somewhere).

So here's the deal: If you guys like it, and if I get enough reviews… you'll get a teaser. You also might get a lemon in EPOV.

Damn… I can't believe I resorted to review blackmail. I feel so dirty.


	7. Chapter 7: Damage Control

So Edward was Idiotward last chapter, wasn't he? I can't take the credit for that moniker; it goes to InkblotTheDarking. It made me laugh. He was a big fat idiot. Edward just asks me to please beg that it doesn't stick. He wants a more dignified 'Ward name.

Thanks for all the reviews last chapter, guys. Can you outdo yourselves? Try, Please.

Thanks to the betas, irebporti and stavanger1. You not only rock, you ladies make me laugh so hard I can't drink anything when I chat with you.

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Pearl Jam – "Once"

Once upon a time I could control myself  
Ooh, once upon a time I could lose myself, yeah...  
Oh, try and mimic what's insane...ooh, yeah...  
I am in it...where do I stand?

…You think I got my eyes closed  
But I'm lookin' at you the whole fuckin' time...

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

**Chapter 7: Damage Control**

**EPOV**

"She's not pregnant!" I said, frustrated. "She's got a problem with alcohol!"

_Shit! __Goddamn it, I was so stupid_.

She jerked her head to stare at me, her skin visibly paling before a dull flush of red swept up to her cheeks. Her eyes were nearly black with anger and disbelief, but it was the pain there that nearly crippled me. _I'd done this to her. What the fuck was wrong with me?_

She turned back to Emmett and Rose. "Rosalie, Emmett, please excuse me. It was very nice to meet you both." She shoved my shoulder, not hard enough to make me move, but she looked like she was ready to climb over me if I didn't get out of her way.

"Move," she said through clenched teeth.

I got up, letting her out of the booth. I started after her but she looked at me with rage in her eyes and held up her hand.

"No." She walked away quickly and all I could do was stare after her. She headed straight for the bar area and the bottom dropped out of my stomach. I started after her again, desperate to explain myself. It didn't matter that I had no explanation other than stupidity and frustration. Emmett grabbed my elbow before I had taken two steps away from the booth.

"Edward, what the _hell_ do you think you're doing? _Bella Swan _from_ Phoenix_?" he asked in disbelief. I just stared at him, unmoving and silent, daring him to say anything else.

"Edward, are you sure you know what you're doing here?" This came from Rosalie. The sanctimonious bitch actually had the gall to look concerned.

"I don't want to hear anything else from _you_, Rose. I hope Charlotte never learns what a bitch her mother is," I said quietly, nearly ready to burst out of my skin with anger at her and concern over Bella. Rosalie gasped and had the fucking nerve to look affronted; Emmett's grip tightened painfully on my arm.

"Edward, I understand you're upset right now, but you're not going to talk to my wife that way. And are you trying to make that poor girl worse? You need to leave her alone!"

"That girl is _it_ for me! I don't need you two ruining it!"

"No, it looks like you're doing a wonderful job of that yourself," Rose sneered.

I yanked my arm out of Emmett's grasp and stalked towards the bar. I was glad Emmett didn't follow me; I'd hate to spend the night in jail for punching my brother in the middle of a restaurant.

I found her at the bar, slamming back a shot of clear liquor. She signaled the bartender for another and he picked up a bottle of grappa. _Shit._ I wondered how many she'd had. I walked up behind her and set my hand on her shoulder as I tossed a twenty on the bar. She tensed up at my touch and I saw her fingers quickly wipe a tear off her cheek. I took her hand in mine, pleading with her silently to not shut me out. She followed me without argument when I led her out to the car. I knew this was just a façade for the restaurant patrons. I wasn't so naïve as to think I was getting away with what I'd done. She sat there with her eyes closed and her head against the window.

I clenched the steering wheel tightly as I drove us back to my apartment. I knew I was in for it the next time I spoke to Emmett or Rose. _They_ _knew_. I hadn't expected them to recognize her last name. Trying to warn me away… telling me what to do. They could both fuck off; I could handle this.

Hell, the only reason I knew was because I'd done research. I'd become a fucking stalker, _again_, after our first night together. I hadn't used her name after I'd gotten it that first night I saw her. I had just wanted to know what her name was; if it fit the beautiful face. I'd wanted a name to go with the fantasy I had in my head. But after that night, that most awful and perfect night of my life, I couldn't help myself. I _had_ to know what had happened to her, what had broken her. So I had done my research. I had her investigated, and I hated myself for it. Because I hadn't been prepared for what I'd learn.

I knew exactly what had happened to her in Phoenix.

Her last name had been so familiar to me, but I couldn't place it. What I discovered when I'd read that report was straight out of my worst nightmares. I had to tell her what I knew, and soon. I'd hoped with every fucking cell in me that she'd tell me on her own, but she hadn't yet. It was eating away at me, and I knew the longer I waited, the angrier she'd be. The more likely she'd be to drop my ass and never look back, or worse. I thought of the scar on her left wrist and felt bile in the back of my throat. I had to push those thoughts out of my mind. It would all work out. I _wouldn't_ fail.

I glanced at Bella as I parked the car in the garage across the street from my building. She gave all outward appearances that she was asleep; but I knew she was awake. The tension in the car was too thick. I sighed as I turned off the car, reaching over and placing my hand on her knee. She shoved it away and opened her eyes.

"This is your parking garage," she said dully. "You need to take me home. _Now_."

"Bella, just come up and talk to me," I pleaded. "If you still want to leave afterwards, then I'll take you home." I had no intentions of taking her home tonight, but I didn't feel bad about telling that little fib. She wasn't going anywhere.

"Fine. I won't change my mind, though." She opened the car door, not waiting for me to help her out of the car. I unlatched my seatbelt and jumped out of the car, hurrying to catch up to her as she walked towards the stairwell. I watched her carefully; she didn't seem too steady on her feet. I thought about asking her how much grappa she'd had, but I wouldn't risk angering her any further. I stayed as close to her as I could get. I didn't want her falling down the stairs.

We didn't speak until I locked the door of my apartment behind me. She still wouldn't look at me. I hadn't been this fucking nervous the first time I'd spoken to her. She stood in the middle of the living room, rigid and closed off, her arms crossed over her chest, hands gripping her upper arms.

"Do you want to sit down?"

"No, I don't plan on being here long enough to sit down." She rocked, shifting her weight back and forth.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "Bella, I'm _sorry_. It just… came out."

She laughed once, a dry, sad sound. "Not half as sorry as I am," she said, still looking anywhere but me. I stepped right in front of her, to try and force her to look at me. She turned away, looking out the window at the Seattle skyline. I moved to stand right beside her. "How could you do that, Edward?" she whispered. "Is this some kind of sick game for you? Showing off the alcoholic girlfriend to the family? Are you desperate for attention? Acting out?" Her voice rose as she spoke, becoming rough and a little out of control.

"No, Bella! It was out before I even knew I said it! You know it's not like that for me!" _Please, Bella, just _look _at me!_

"You could have fooled me! Parading me in front of your family like your own personal freak show? Look at how wonderful I am, paying attention to the poor little alcoholic!" she mimicked. I could see the tears welling in her eyes; hear the tightness in her throat. Her lips trembled and her brows knitted together, her face reflecting every bit of the pain I knew she was feeling.

"Bella, it's not—" I tried again.

"Bella, I want to _help_ you. I'll _save_ you, Bella. But not before I make you feel like dirt in front of my family!"

"I don't have an excuse for what I did tonight. I was an idiot! So what if they know? It doesn't change the way I feel about you!" Her eyes closed and she tipped her head back, laughing mirthlessly, but I kept going. "They'd have to know eventually. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I feel like shit because of what I said!" I was nearly yelling, becoming desperate for some kind of reaction from her. I reached out to touch her and she sidestepped away quickly, overcompensating. I reached out to steady her, but she gave me a dirty look, catching herself on the window frame and remaining upright.

"You should," she growled.

"I do! It kills me to know that I hurt you like that. No matter what you say, you can't make me feel any worse than I already do!" I hated begging, but I would do it if she would just look at me. Talk to me. Stay with me. "Please, Bella. I'm so, so sorry. Please give me a chance to make it up to you," I pleaded. She stood there, shaking her head and taking deep breaths. She continued stare out the window, shifting her weight from side to side, rocking in place. I just wanted to take her in my arms and hold her still, keep her close to me, let her know I wouldn't let anyone hurt her.

_No one except for you, asshole._ How could I have fucked up this badly?

She sighed and bowed her head. "You need to take me back to my apartment, Edward," she said after few minutes of silence. Her shoulders were hunched and she curled into herself, hiding from me. "I need time to think about this. I may need a while…"

I immediately panicked. _No! You can't let her just fucking leave! You'll never get her back!_

"Bella… no, don't go." My voice was hoarse and I felt the burn of tears behind my eyes; I fought so hard to sound normal. I took her hand from where it rested on her arm, stroking the soft skin on the back with my thumb. "Let's just go to bed and we can talk in the morning."

She jerked her hand out of my grasp as she finally turned her gaze on me. Her eyes were nearly black, and the pain and fury radiating from them shocked me. "I don't want to talk, Edward! I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to fucking talk to anyone! I want to go home!" Tears overflowed from her eyes as she continued. "Why did you do this to me? Why did you have to come along and make me _feel_?" She was screaming, her whole body shaking, her arms gesturing wildly. She stalked right up to me, inches from my chest. "I was numb. I was dealing, and you had to fuck it all up for me!" She was hitting me now, her little fists shoving at my chest, and I stood there, taking her abuse. It was the least I could do. Her eyes were wild, tears streaming down her reddened face as she screamed, but she was still beautiful to me. My beautiful, broken Bella. "You took away my only security, my only protection! Why? Do you hate me that much?"

Anger flooded through me at her words. She accused me of _hating_ her? I fucking _loved_ her. I grabbed her fists and held them down by her sides as she struggled against my hold.

"You think I hate you?" I laughed; it was a harsh sound full of pain and anger. I stared her down, my eyes burning into hers. "I assure you, Love, hatred is the opposite of all the things I feel for you." Her eyes widened; she sucked in a breath and I took her mouth, pressing my lips against hers roughly. I thrust my tongue past her lips, taking everything and asking for nothing. I fucked her mouth with my tongue, demonstrating what I would do to her later. She was mine, and nothing was going to take her away from me. I had to convince her.

It was a moment before I realized she wasn't struggling. She was kissing me back for all she was worth. Elation shot through me as I realized that she was just as much a slave to this as I was. I released her wrists and dragged my palms up her arms, gripping the little sweater at the shoulders and shoving it down. She shrugged and it fluttered to the floor. I felt her hands at the buttons of my shirt, working their way down to my waist. I ripped my mouth from hers, trailing open mouthed kisses down her neck to the junction of her shoulder, where I bit down hard. A ragged sound escaped her throat, half gasp, half moan. God, I loved the noises she made for me. I soothed the tender spot with my tongue before closing my lips over it and suckling her skin.

She was pushing at the halves of my shirt now, and I pulled back to shrug it to the floor, popping the buttons off my cuffs in my haste to remove it. She'd already pulled my t-shirt out of the trousers and I ripped it off over my head. Her palms burned my chest as she raked her nails across my pecs and down my abdomen. My cock twitched and every single muscle in my body clenched at her touch. I was harder than I'd ever been; almost ready to burst the seams of my pants. I ground against her, fitting my erection into that perfect space between her thighs as I palmed her ass.

I covered her mouth with mine again; she nibbled my bottom lip before drawing my tongue into her mouth to suckle it hard. It was my turn to moan. My hands went to the zipper at the back of her dress as I felt her little fingers fumbling with the buckle at my waist. The zipper stuck halfway down and wouldn't budge. I grabbed handfuls of both sides and yanked, rending the fabric nearly in half. The ruined dress fluttered to the floor.

"I'll buy you a new one," I said roughly. I planted kisses all along her collarbones, tasting every available inch of her soft, fragrant skin. She released the button of my trousers and lowered the zipper. Sliding her hands underneath my boxers, she shoved everything past my hips and let it slide to the floor. I toed off my shoes and stepped out of the pants, only letting her go long enough to strip off my socks. I stared at her, clad only in a black lace bra and matching panty, her dark eyes huge in her flushed face, her lips swollen from my mouth. I'd never seen anything more beautiful. My dick throbbed at the sight.

Wrapping one arm around her back and one underneath her ass, I lifted her off her feet and walked to the nearest flat surface. I set her down on the coffee table and knelt in between her spread legs, pulling her hips to the very edge of the table. She fisted her hands in my hair and pulled me down for a kiss as I slid the straps of her bra off her shoulders, pulling the cups down to reveal her breasts. I immediately cupped them, her stiff little nipples poking into my palms.

"Does this feel like I hate you?" I said against her lips. "Does it?" She shook her head quickly. I licked my way down to her breast and took her nipple into my mouth, sucking hard.

"Edward! God!" She trailed her hand down my chest and encircled my cock in a firm grip, palming the moist head before continuing to work the shaft. _Fuck_. Her hand felt so fucking good. I wouldn't last if she kept that up; I needed inside her now.

"What do you want, baby?" I slid my hand down her belly to her mound, two fingers stroking her slit through the crotch of her panties. They were soaked. "Bella," I breathed, hooking both hands under her panties and pulling; she lifted her hips to help me slide them down.

I grabbed the back of her right knee and wrapped her leg around my waist, fitting the tip of my cock to her center. I watched as I pushed into her, just the head, before I stopped and looked up, meeting her eyes.

"_I don't fucking hate you_." I gritted_. I love you_. I knew she could read it in my eyes. I didn't fucking care. "You're mine. Say it," I demanded, holding her there as she tried to buck her hips and draw me in. She was breathing hard, her breasts rising and falling with each deep breath. My mouth watered at the sight. "Say it!" I was louder this time.

"Yours!" she moaned, and I slammed into her, palming the back of her other knee and bringing it over my hip so both her legs wrapped around my waist. Her arms wrapped around my neck as I thrust into her over and over, hard and fast, fucking her with all the pent up feelings I had inside. I buried my face in her neck and wrapped my arms around her back, one hand fisted in her hair; the other placed lower to brace her for my thrusts.

"No one else," I gasped, breathing hard against her neck. "No one else will ever make you feel like this!" I could feel her walls tightening around me as she moaned my name again. I moved my hand from her hair down to the top of her slit, pressing down on her clitoris with my thumb as I thrust harder. I lifted her higher, changing the angle, going deeper than before. I couldn't last much longer.

"Bella, cum. Come on, baby, cum," I groaned, praying that I could last long enough for her. I could feel my climax gathering at the base of my spine, heat building in scorching waves that I couldn't hold back as she began to contract around me.

"Edward!" she screamed, her hips bucking against mine as I let go, groaning her name as I came inside her, all my strength draining out of me as I slumped back onto my heels. I held Bella tightly against my chest; her head rested on my shoulder, the warm weight comforting as we slowly caught our breath. I stood slowly, making sure my legs were steady before walking with her to the bedroom.

I set her down gently next to the bed, pulling the clip out of her disheveled hair and combing through it with my fingers. Her eyes were closed and she sighed as I massaged her scalp. She pulled back the comforter and slipped into bed; I lay down next to her, waiting for some kind of rejection or acceptance. We faced each other as I pulled her close, and I felt relief that she was willing to meet my eyes. I stroked a few strands of hair away from her face and kissed her forehead.

Eventually her breathing deepened into the regular rhythm of sleep. I stroked her back slowly, up and down, thinking about this evening's fiasco. I could have ruined everything tonight. I just hoped that she wouldn't be even angrier in the morning. I tried to relax enough to drift off. I was terrified that she'd sneak away if I slept, just like that first night.

I don't know how long I lay awake, absorbing the feel of her small body next to me. She slept peacefully, which was unusual in itself. She often had nightmares about her life in Phoenix. I wanted to help her through them, to trust me enough to tell me what had happened to her. It hurt me, knowing that she didn't trust me enough to share her past with me. It also occurred to me that maybe I didn't deserve it yet. I'd planned on telling her what I knew soon, but there was no way I could do that now. Not after what I'd done to her tonight. It would have to wait until later. Maybe never, if she decided to confide in me soon.

"Edward," she sighed.

"Yeah, baby?" I answered softly. She didn't respond. I realized she must still be asleep. She'd talked in her sleep before, but it was usually related to her nightmares. I held her tighter and prayed that she was having peaceful dreams tonight. If anyone deserved them, it was my Bella.

"Love you."

My heart pounded. _Love you_. Every desire I could ever think of in my adult life summarized in two tiny words. I knew then that no matter what happened between now and then, someday, Bella and I would be okay, and we would be together.

*****

When I woke the next morning, she was gone. _Fuck._ I leapt out of the bed and grabbed a pair of track pants and a t-shirt from the dresser. I had to find her. _Déjà-vu_ hit me in a disorienting wave as I dressed, but at least this time I knew where to find her. I wouldn't have to wait another two weeks to see her again. I ran out of the bedroom, searching for my car keys in the pile of clothing next to the coffee table.

"Edward? What are you doing?" I could have died right then. _She was here_. She stood in the kitchen, dressed in one of my t-shirts, a spatula in one hand. I dropped the keys and went to her, never taking my eyes off her for a second. "What?" she asked, looking puzzled. I took the spatula from her hand and set it on the counter before I framed her face with my hands and stared down at her.

_She'd stayed_.

I kissed her, slowly, pouring everything into that single kiss. All the words I couldn't say, all the things I felt but couldn't describe worth a damn. I poured my _need_ for her into that kiss.

**BPOV**

I woke up with a headache. My mouth was dry. I was flat on my back and Edward's face was buried in my neck, his arm slung around my waist. His breath was hot against my neck, and it was making me uncomfortable. It was stuffy and humid in the room, and his body heat was just making it worse. I'd never get back to sleep. I slid out from underneath his arm and placed a pillow underneath his head.

I got out of the bed, the muscles in my legs and lower back protesting the movement. My thoughts turned to last night as I grabbed one of Edward's t-shirts from the drawer. I slipped it on and brushed my teeth; then I went to the kitchen. Our clothes lay scattered in the living room and the coffee table was askew. The state of the room mirrored my state of mind this morning.

I was still very angry at him. I couldn't believe the biggest blow had come from the only one I trusted. I'd almost made it through the evening. And then… he'd betrayed me.

I knew he felt badly. I'd made sure of it. I knew he hadn't done it on purpose. He was right; they would have had to know eventually, if we stayed together. That didn't mean I'd wanted them to know last night. No matter how embarrassing it had been, the fact remained that it was the simple truth. I _did_ have a problem with alcohol.

Did I want to stay with him? I thought back to last night, when I'd been so angry and embarrassed; yet I'd given in to him anyway. I couldn't stay away from him even when I wanted to kill him. He just looked at me with his bright eyes, spoke to me in that voice, and I couldn't resist. I'd tried yelling, screaming, striking at him. He'd taken it all. It wasn't until I'd asked him if he hated me that he'd become angry.

"_You think I hate you?"_ His eyes had burned with such passion as he'd stared down at me. They were screaming something entirely different. Something that scared the shit out of me, something that I would have run screaming from a few weeks earlier. That alone scared me even more.

Because I wanted it, and maybe I felt it too, even after he'd betrayed me. After all, I'd done something even worse than betraying someone I loved.

_"I assure you, Love, hatred is the opposite of all the things I feel for you."_

Love. He'd called me Love. He'd never done that before. I don't think he realized what he'd said. I wasn't as upset by it as I should have been. _I was still here, wasn't I?_ This train of thought was getting me nowhere. I wanted to forget about last night. I obviously couldn't bring myself to leave him; that thought hurt worse than his stupid slip up.

Maybe it was time for me to think about why I was so embarrassed by Rosalie and Emmett knowing about my problem. I'd never be good enough for Edward, but I wanted to be. I couldn't change the things I'd done in the past, but I could change the things I was doing now. Of course, it was an easy thing to think when I was tired and a little numb from last night's shock. How would I feel when that wore off? Would I want to head straight for the liquor cabinet? Probably.

I shook my head and grabbed some Tylenol from the cabinet and a bottle of Gatorade from the refrigerator. I was hungry. After taking a quick look in the fridge, I decided on a ham and cheese omelet. Edward loved them, and I was sure he'd wake up before I was finished anyway. He never slept long after I got out of the bed.

_Wait a minute… why am I making one of his favorites after last night?_ I found some mushrooms and a green pepper in the fridge. I whisked the eggs with salt and pepper and set the pan on to heat as I diced up the vegetables. When I was finished, I buttered the pan and poured in the eggs, letting them set before I tossed in the veggies, meat and cheese. I tapped the spatula on the stove, smiling slightly at my little rebellion. _Take that, Edward. If you want breakfast, you can eat green peppers and like it._

Suddenly, Edward burst out of the bedroom and started frantically digging through the clothes next to the coffee table. Cowlicks stood out in every direction on his head and he was sloppily dressed in a t-shirt and workout pants. I heard the metallic tinkle of the car keys as he straightened. _Where was he going?_

"Edward? What are you doing?" His head whipped around and he dropped the keys before stalking towards me, those vivid green cat eyes never leaving mine. "What?" I asked, confused by his actions. A few seconds ago he'd been rushing to get out the door, and now he was moving so deliberately towards me that I had no idea what was going through his brain. He circled the kitchen island and took the spatula from my hand, setting it down on the granite. His hands came up to cup my face as he stared at me, his eyes searching mine for a long moment. I didn't know what he was looking for, or if he found it, because then his lids dropped closed and he pressed his lips to mine.

They were warm and firm, lush and moist. It was one of the more innocent kisses we'd shared, yet it sent my heart racing just as fast. His warm breath rushed against my cheek as he sighed, one of his hands sliding from my jaw to my neck as I wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him tightly to me. He hummed in the back of his throat and pulled back, his thumb stroking my cheek.

"Thank God. I thought you were gone," he murmured, kissing the tip of my nose, my cheeks, and my forehead. _So that's why he'd been so frantic_. It would have served him right if I was gone. Too bad I just couldn't leave him.

"I don't have a car here, remember? You ripped my dress, too, so what would I wear?" I asked, not bothering to hide the slight smile on my lips. He was unable to hide his smirk as his lips curved in response.

"I rather like what you're wearing right now," he said, his arm sliding down my arm and over my hip to rest on my bare thigh. He walked me backwards until I felt the cool grittiness of the wall against my back.

"Um… food on the stove? Do you want me to burn breakfast?" He simply turned back to the range and switched off the burner before attacking me. This kiss was anything but innocent; it was wet and desperate, his tongue sliding against mine over and over as his hands bit into my hips. His hands slid underneath my t-shirt to palm my rear. He groaned when he realized there was nothing underneath to block his way. He hitched me up against the wall until we were at eye level with one another. I wrapped my legs around his hips, digging my heels into the backs of his thighs.

"I want you," he said, his voice low and gravelly, pulling me tight against his hips. I could feel the hard shape of him through the thin pants. He licked and nibbled his way down my neck, not making the slightest effort to be gentle. There was a kind of desperation in his kisses, in his touch, that matched my own feelings about our relationship. We fit together this way; it was perfect and uncomplicated when we were together like this. I couldn't stop any more than he could.

"So?" I knew I was baiting him. I dragged my nails down his chest and slipped my fingers underneath his waistband, rubbing just underneath his bellybutton. He pulled away from my neck and looked at me with hooded eyes, smirking as he jerked me even higher against him. Pinning me to the refrigerator with his chest, his fingers brushed mine as he freed himself from his pants. I threaded my hands through his hair and pulled his face to mine as he plunged into me. I took his mouth as he took my body, both of us claiming each other.

We weren't gentle or tentative; we took from one another frantically. I was pressed so tightly between his chest and the wall that I could barely breathe, but the lack of oxygen only intensified the pleasure. I had to pull away from the kiss to breathe. I leaned my head against the wall and stared at the ceiling as he pounded into me, my vision dimming at the edges. He grunted with almost every thrust; hitting that amazing spot inside me that caused me to tighten around him with every stroke. He yanked my t-shirt up to my neck and captured my nipple between his lips as he drove into me even faster. He wedged his hand between us and his fingertips stroked my clit, perfectly matching the rhythm of his hips. I was completely surrounded by him, inside and out, pinned to the wall by his strength.

"Oh, God… Edward," I whispered, unable to get enough air to be any louder. Every muscle in my body tensed as I came, clinging to him with everything I was, everything I felt for him. He thrust harder through my orgasm, groaning my name over and over as he reached his own release.

He rested his head against my hair as we stood there and caught our breath. After a few minutes, he realized he was still pinning me against the wall and he leaned back, taking me with him. My eyelids were heavy and I wanted nothing more than to lie back in bed with him and sleep the rest of the day away. He seemed to read my thoughts and he walked to the bedroom, kicking the door behind him with his foot. He deposited me in the bed and climbed in behind me, neither of us speaking as we both fell back into sleep.

*******

**A/N:** So don't get mad at me. Yeah, she gave in pretty easily. Remember New Moon? He fucking LEFT for six months and she pretty much took him back without much other than a "how could you think I never loved you, Bella?" Please. At least she gets hot makeup sex out of it here, unlike in the books. 

Come by the forums and discuss! Rip me a new one if you want. I like any kind of attention. The link is in my profile.

Review, if you please (no, DO IT).


	8. Chapter 8: The Past

**Some thanks: irebporti and stavanger1 for betaing this monstrosity that makes me rip my hair out. Stav, I love your man-candy. Ire, I love your Rob pics. You two always find the best. **

**Thanks so much to everyone that's reviewed and added this fic to their favorites or alert list. You all make my day. I'm epically behind on review replies. I suck. But I read every goddamn one of them and grin like an idiot at the computer screen, so keep em' coming! They just make me want to write more!**

*******

Taking Back Sunday – "My Blue Heaven"

_Dull heat rises from the sheets.  
I'm both a patient boy,  
Well, and a jealous man. (Am I coming?)  
My double standardized suspicion  
Is remedied, oh, my blue heaven,  
Sometimes, it just feels better to give in.  
(Sometimes, it just feels better to give in.)_

And it's all too familiar  
And it happens all the time.  
All the cards begin to stack up,  
Twisting heartache into fine  
Little pieces that avoid an awful crime,  
But it's you I can't deny.  
(You I can't deny.)

We swing and we sway  
As this tiny voice in  
My head starts to sing  
You're safe, child, you are safe.

*******

**EPOV**

I woke before Bella, wrapped around her as usual. Her back was flush against my chest and our legs were tangled together underneath the sheets. I breathed deeply and she smelled so damn good. Even more satisfying was the trace of myself I could smell on her neck. I propped my head up on my hand and looked down at her, noticing the dark circles under her eyes. She was sleeping so peacefully, something that was fairly rare. I wanted her again, but I knew she needed sleep more. Fuck, I _always_ wanted her. I couldn't tell her how I felt any other way, but when I fucked her… I thought she understood what I felt for her. And she didn't run.

I wondered if she was dreaming about me. Hell knows I dreamt about _her_. They were simple dreams, like watching TV together under a quilt on the couch, laughing over dinner. Dreams of an everyday normal life between two people who shared a life. Dreams where Bella's eyes weren't so sad; where they sparkled with life and happiness when she looked at me. Dreams where she looked at me with love in her eyes.

_You're such a fucking pussy_.

That didn't stop me from wanting it anyway. _So what?_ I knew what I wanted. I hadn't been exaggerating when I'd told Emmett that Bella was it for me. It didn't matter that she was broken; I would be everything she needed until she was healed.

I ignored the niggling thought in the back of my head. _What if she couldn't be healed?_

I'd be with her anyway. I'd take her in any capacity; take anything she had to give me.

I got up carefully so I didn't wake her. Scratching my head, I grabbed my phone from my pants on the living room floor before wandering into the kitchen. I saw the discarded food that Bella had been cooking when I'd taken her against the wall. She'd been so hot and fucking wet as I pinned her against the wall, her brown eyes hot with lust and desperation. _Christ, Cullen, get it under control!_ I poked at the omelet in the skillet, almost considering tossing it in the microwave and eating it before I noticed the green peppers. _No thanks_.

It looked like it was cereal for me. I poured myself a bowl and headed into my office and sat down at the desk. I checked my messages as I ate.

"_Edward, man… you gotta give me a call. We need to talk."_

Emmett. What the fuck did he want?

I pressed the button to return his call.

"E, I'm so glad you called. How're you doing?"

"Fine. What do you want?" I asked harshly.

"I just wanted to see how you were… you know, after Bella left." The asshole actually sounded sorry.

"She's here with me. We're fine." Okay, so that wasn't the complete truth, but at least she was here.

"She is?" He sounded surprised. Hell, I was surprised she was still here too. The fact that she was gave me hope. "Well, I'm glad, Edward. Especially after what you said." _That fucker_. I knew that. Didn't mean I needed to hear it from him.

"What do you need, Emmett?" I asked warily. Something told me this wasn't a conversation I wanted to have.

"Edward…" he paused and sighed into the phone. "Do you remember when I lived in Arizona? I got that job right out of the Academy."

I knew where this was going, but I needed to hear it. Emmett had gone to the Police Academy straight out of high school and spent a year as a rookie cop in Phoenix. When he'd come home to Seattle, I'd been in college. He hadn't been the same person. He was disillusioned; quiet and withdrawn. He said he wasn't cut out for police work. He'd eventually gotten a job as a hunting guide, which had evolved into his current occupation.

Emmett had eventually told me a bit about the reason he'd quit. He'd been one of the initial officers called to the scene of a domestic violence case involving a young girl, her mother and her stepfather. That girl was Bella Swan. My Bella.

I remembered how he'd spoken of her. How she'd been unconscious when he'd arrived on the scene, but the paramedics had revived her. How she'd been so hysterical when her mother wouldn't wake up.

"_She was covered in blood, sitting in the ambulance. She was just screaming for her mother… the mother was alive, but just barely. That girl was devastated. I've never heard sounds like that come from another person. I've never seen someone in so much pain…"_

I'd always felt some sort of inexplicable connection to that girl. Something about the pain in Emmett's voice had sparked some kind of strange interest in me. I'd imagined how horrible it would be to lose my mother, let alone in such a horrible way. I'd thought about her, always faceless in my mind, and wondered how she was faring.

Now I knew. And I could finally help her.

"_I couldn't stomach it anymore. To know that some son of a bitch arrogant DA wanted to prosecute that girl for defending her mother… it was just sick. He argued that she'd murdered her stepfather because he hadn't been directly threatening _her_ life at the time. That '_technically_' it wasn't self-defense; all to make a name for himself, no matter who was hurt in the process. I knew I couldn't continue as a police officer. Thank God the Grand Jury refused to hand down an indictment."_

Emmett's voice broke me out of the memories. "E, are you still there?"

"Yeah, Emmett. I remember."

"You remember why I left, right?"

"Yes. Because of that domestic violence case," I answered.

"Did you know it was her? When you met her? I didn't recognize her until she mentioned her last name, and she must not have recognized me. Then again, she must have been in shock. I'm sure all the cops looked the same to her."

"No, I didn't. Her name was familiar but I didn't make the connection. But…" I set my elbow on the desk and dropped my forehead into my palm. "I know now. I've known for a while."

"She told you about it?" he asked.

"No," I said, ashamed. I was really the worst kind of prick.

"Then how the fuck did you find out?" He sounded pissed.

"I got her name from the credit card receipts at the bar… and I had her investigated."

"What the fuck, E? That's stalking! I should have beaten your ass right in the middle of that restaurant!" _Yeah, he was pissed_.

"I didn't do it right away," I defended. It was pitiful. I knew I'd been a creep. I don't know why I bothered making an excuse.

"Oh, well that's just fine! My brother's not a fucking stalker because he _waited a while_ to have a girl investigated using card receipts obtained illegally from his bar!" He was outright yelling at me now.

"You don't know the whole story, Emmett." I tried to keep my voice down, the last thing I needed was for Bella to walk in on this conversation.

"Well, by all means, enlighten me. Tell me why you've been going all _Single White Female_ on that poor girl," he said derisively. I sighed, trying to figure out how to explain it.

"She's, well… she _was_ a regular at the bar. I decided I wanted to meet her one night." _Right. You _decided_, after weeks of watching her._ "We talked, and she was so… sad. She's so beautiful, I can't think straight around her. I only meant to talk to her, get to know her a little. She spent the night in my apartment, but she ran out before the morning. I had no way to contact her."

"So you had a PI _investigate_ her? That's not normal, bro."

"I know, Emmett! I just couldn't stomach the thought of never seeing her again. I never had to use the information anyway. She came back two weeks later with her friends. One of them is Jasper Whitlock. Remember him?" I asked, in hopes of distracting him.

"Yeah, I remember Whitlock. Don't think I'm forgetting about this stalking shit. That's not normal, man."

"How would you feel if Rose ran out on you without giving you anywhere to contact her?"

That question was met by silence on the other end. I guess I had my answer, even if I didn't understand a fucking thing about it. Rose was on my shit list, and would probably remain there for a very long time.

"And you feel that way about Bella?" he asked quietly.

"Yes. I told you, she's it for me." It was the God's honest truth. I was hers. And she was mine.

"Edward," he began tentatively, "are you sure you're ready for this? She looks… fragile. Is she stable enough for what you want? What _do_ you want, anyway?" he added as an afterthought.

I thought for a moment, letting my feelings for Bella assault me one after one. "I want _her_. Anyway she'll have me."

"You realize that this isn't going to be easy. Is she getting help? Because that's what she needs to be focusing on right now. She might not be able to handle recovery and a relationship all at once."

_He picks now to make sense? After thirty-two years of fucking nonsense?_ He'd just given voice to one of my worst fears. What if she couldn't do both at once?

I'd wait for her. I'd wait years if I had to.

"I'll be whatever she needs, Emmett. I just want her to be better." I sighed and dropped my forehead into my hand. "She's still drinking. I don't know how to bring up stopping without upsetting her."

"You can't keep enabling her. You've got to at least talk with her about it. You're not doing her any favors by not speaking up." _Who was this man and what had he done with my brother?_

"I know!"

"And Edward? You're gonna have to tell her what you know," he said firmly. "I've gotta tell you the truth; I think you've fucked this up royally. With her history… she's not going to take it well when she finds out what you did."

"God, I know," I whispered. What if that was too much for her to take? Would she be able to forgive me? It was terrifying. There was a very real possibility that she'd never want to see me again. I didn't think I could handle that. "I can't tell her yet, Emmett. I can't lose her."

"You can't wait any longer, man! The longer you wait, the more it will hurt her!"

"I know what I'm doing. Please just let me do this my way," I pleaded. "I'll tell her… but I want to wait until she's better equipped to handle it." _And I wanted more time to bind her to me with anything I could._

"And how do you think she'll react when she finds out the man she cares about has been lying to her the entire time she's known him?" he asked derisively.

"Please, Emmett! I know what I'm doing. Just stay out of it, okay? I appreciate that you're trying to help, but I'm doing this on my own." I heard him sigh, but he said nothing else. "I've got to go. I'll talk to you later." I hung up quickly, before he could say anything. I leaned back into the chair, letting my head fall back on my shoulders as I stared at the ceiling.

I knew one thing: I was going to talk to Bella today about getting help. I had a good feeling about it. She might not be willing to tell me directly that she loved me while she was awake, but now I knew.

"_Why did you do this to me? Why did you have to come along and make me _feel_?"_

"_Edward… love you."_

My chest felt tight at the memory. I couldn't wait until I could look her in the eyes and tell her exactly how I felt. I couldn't wait until she would say it back. It just made me that much more determined. I _would_ help her.

I went back to the bedroom and paused in the doorway, leaning one shoulder against the frame as I watched Bella. She lay curled on her side, one hand underneath her chin. Her face was relaxed and peaceful in sleep, and it looked like she hadn't moved an inch since I'd left the bed. I wanted to get back in bed with her, but she needed her sleep. _If you get in that bed with her right now, she won't be sleeping for much longer. You need to quit thinking with your dick, Cullen_. I'd almost talked myself out of bothering her when she began to stir.

***

**BPOV**

_I waited until Renee had gone to sleep before I crept downstairs. James was gone on another one of his trips and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. I tried the knob to the darkroom; it was locked. That was okay, because I was prepared for that. I pulled the tiny screwdriver, Allen wrench and straightened paperclip from my pocket. It was time to see if you really could learn _anything _on the internet. I'd practiced on the doorknob to my room for several nights before tonight, and I was pretty sure I'd be able to handle this one._

_Kneeling to put myself at eyelevel with the knob, I inserted the tools and carefully rotated them until I heard the subtle click. I grinned to myself as I tried the knob and the door opened smoothly. Stepping into the room, I felt along the wall for a light switch. _I should have brought a flashlight_. I finally found and flipped the switch, and a wash of red light swept through the room. It lent an eerie glow to the room, causing long dark shadows to stretch from the equipment. There was a workbench littered with camera parts and developing chemicals. My nose stung from the smell of the leftover stop bath that was still in one of the basins._

_My eyes glanced quickly over the various camera parts and other materials. Something wasn't right here. _Why does this room seem so small? _ I knew the outer wall of this room extended much further into the backyard than the interior suggested. I looked closer and noticed there was another door next to the bench. The red light had kept me from seeing it until I had gotten closer. I tried the knob and the door swung open easily. There was a light switch immediately to the right of the door; I flipped it on and a bare bulb that swung from the ceiling cast a harsh light across the room. The door swung mostly shut behind me, diminishing the red glow from the first room._

_Oh my God._

_My heart was beating so fast my head throbbed with it. There were weapons all over the room. There was a cage in the corner and a video camera perched on a tripod facing the center of the room. A large table with restraints at either end dominated the room. Every instinct I possessed was screaming at me to get out of there, but my feet didn't obey. I needed to take something, something that would prove to Renee what James was doing. _

_I went to the table, being careful not to touch anything. There were some recently developed photos spread out on the surface. I felt myself pale. Those photos were of me. Me stepping off the bus down the street, me exiting the school, climbing into my friend's car after a night at the movies. Why the hell was he watching me? _Did he know that I knew what he'd done to my mom_? There were more pictures underneath; my fingers shook as I moved the top ones aside._

_These pictures were worse. They were horrifying. There was a young girl I didn't know, bound to a chair, a look of absolute horror on her face. The next picture showed the same girl, only there were several cuts on her body that hadn't been there before. Tears streamed down her face, and the look in her eyes was devastating. They were the eyes of someone who knew that death was coming. I didn't want to see any more. I grabbed the pictures and stuffed them in my pocket, ready to get the hell out of there._

_The door to the inner room flew open, hitting the wall behind it. "What the FUCK did I tell you about coming in here?" James gritted._

_I whirled around and everything was suddenly crystal clear – the room seemed brighter and everything slowed down. I took in every detail at once, cataloguing everything I could use to keep him away from me. There wasn't anything within my immediate reach; I'd have to improvise. He stalked towards me, his eyes livid, his mouth fixed in a disgusting sneer. I maneuvered my body so the table was between us._

"_You think you're fast enough to get away?" he laughed. He was truly enjoying this. "This will be fun."_

_I couldn't think about speaking. I needed every one of my wits to get out of this alive. I feinted left and then darted right, but he wasn't fooled. _He was getting too close!_ The only thing available to me was the video camera and tripod. I thrust it at his chest as hard as I could, sprinting past him and out the door. _

"_Bitch!" he spat, his voice hurting my ears. I immediately thought of my mother sleeping upstairs. _Please don't wake up, Mom!

_I knocked down everything in my path, hoping it would slow his progress. I could hear his heavy footfalls behind me as I ran out of the darkroom and darted into the kitchen. I had no idea where I was going, or what I was going to do when I got there. All my body knew was that I was no longer trapped inside that tiny room with him and I had space to run. I'd almost made it to the living room when he gripped my shoulder hard and spun me to face him. I couldn't even scream. I'd quite possibly just made the last mistake of my life._

"_You stupid BITCH!" he screamed. Pain exploded in my head as he backhanded me._

_***_

I woke suddenly. Edward was sitting right next to me on the bed, looking so worried that I almost forgot the dream.

"I thought you'd never wake up, Bella. You were having an awful nightmare," he said, brushing the hair back off my forehead. I blinked several times, trying to clear my blurred vision as I caught my breath.

"Edward," I whispered. I began to shake as the residual adrenaline from the dream began to fade. I focused on his eyes, absorbing their concern and kindness.

I stared at him, my mouth opening to answer his question, but I couldn't speak. I was drowning in his gaze. I saw my future in those eyes, and it scared the shit out of me. Maybe it was being ripped out of the nightmare of my past and the terror it invoked that suddenly exposed our situation in stark relief. I needed him, and his support was vital to me. I wasn't afraid when I was with him. Some part of me knew that this was dangerously close to trading one addiction for another, but I had to grab on to something. I had to try. He wouldn't wait around forever. Although I'd wished for it the night before, the thought of going back to the way things were before I met him was terrifying.

I still wanted a drink and the desire was almost painful, but for the first time I realized that there was something that I wanted even more.

"Bella, are you okay? Say something… you're worrying me." I sat up quickly, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing myself against him as tightly as I could. His arms came around me and he pulled me into his lap; one hand stroking up and down my back in a comforting rhythm. I buried my face in his neck and let the tears leak out of the corners of my eyes. "You're okay, Baby, you're okay," he whispered. "I'm here…"

I didn't listen to his words so much as I absorbed the tone and warmth, taking it into me and letting him soothe me. He rocked me with just the slightest motion and pulled me even tighter against his chest so tightly I could feel the steady thrum of his heart against my own. Could he help me through this? Was it fair of me to want him to? I knew one thing; our current situation wasn't fair to him. I was still holding back. Part of me was terrified to put that much faith in him, especially after last night.

I also knew that was the part that's had free reign for the last ten years. Before Edward, I would have said it was working just fine for me. Now I knew differently. I was sad and pathetic. I still didn't deserve him and I still didn't understand why he cared so much, but he did.

**EPOV**

I had no idea what to do for her, so I just held her as she cried and her shivering subsided. I murmured soft words and comforting noises into her hair, hoping I was helping her. She always made me feel so helpless, even a little hopeless. _Was she ever going to tell me?_ I immediately felt guilty for wishing that she'd confide in me when I was keeping such a secret from her, and in all honesty was considering keeping it from her forever just to keep her with me. I shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind as she quieted.

"Are you okay? Do you want to tell me about it?" I asked quietly. I continued to stroke her back slowly, my fingertips tracing every delicate bump in her spine. I made a mental note to make sure she ate more. She was a paradox, so fragile both physically and mentally, yet there was a core of strength that had to be inside her somewhere. She wouldn't be here if she didn't.

Her shoulders tensed and she cleared her throat before speaking.

"I can't really remember it," she said thickly. My heart sank; I knew she was lying, but I had to have patience. If she wasn't willing to talk about her past, then we still needed to talk about the present. I'd told myself yesterday that I was done catering to her problem, and I couldn't lose my resolve. We'd never move past anything if I kept enabling her.

"Bella, we need to talk."

"I know," she sighed. "Can I have a shower first?" She pulled back and looked at me. Her eyes were red and still moist, the rich coffee color stark in her pale face. I knew she wanted some time to collect herself after breaking down in front of me. As much as I wanted to push her, I could use a few minutes to think myself.

"Go ahead," I said. "Are you hungry?" She nodded. "I'll make you something to eat then."

She put her hand on my cheek and looked at me for a moment. I didn't know what she was looking for, and I returned her gaze silently before she rose and headed for the bathroom and shut the door. I heard the water come on and still I sat there, and dropping my head into my hands and raking them through my hair.

"Fuck," I muttered. We had to have this conversation, but I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasn't a little afraid that she would take this badly. I thought back to this morning as she'd slept in my arms to reassure myself. I had to have faith that I could help her through this. I'd never know if I didn't ask her to do this for me, and for herself. I sighed and went to the kitchen in search of food. It was just past five, and we'd slept the day away. I gave a thought to breakfast for dinner, but maybe Bella would want something more substantial since she hadn't eaten all day. I pulled a couple of steaks from the refrigerator and began preparing dinner.

I'd just set the steaks off to the side to rest when she came out of the bedroom, her hair pulled back into a damp ponytail. She was dressed in one of my old t-shirts from my college baseball days. My dick certainly appreciated the fact that my last name was stretched across her slim shoulders. I wondered if she'd chosen it on purpose, then quickly decided that she probably didn't realize the effect it would have on me.

"Hi," she said shyly. I smirked at her, amused that she still had these shy moments after all the time we'd spent together. "Smells good. Can I get anything?" I grabbed two glasses from the cabinet and handed them to her.

"You can get us some ice and water. I've got the rest." I finished tossing bagged lettuce onto the plates and threw some grape tomatoes on top. That was the extent of my cooking skills. Salad in a bag and steaks were about as fancy as I got.

We ate in silence, neither one of us wanting to broach the subject we knew was coming. After we cleaned up the mess, we sat on the couch and she tucked herself against me. I opened my mouth to speak several times before I finally got out the words. I closed my eyes briefly and prayed that I wasn't pushing her too far.

I took a deep breath and forced it out. "I want you to stop drinking," I said, bracing myself. "I'll do whatever I can to help you. AA and Al-Anon meetings, whatever you need. Please." She said nothing. "I know it will be hard, but I'll be there for you. You-" She sat up suddenly and put her hand on my chest. I froze, shutting my eyes and waiting for her to blow up or cry or ask me to take her home.

"Edward. Open your eyes." I complied, searching her face for some clue of her reaction to my request. She wasn't angry or sad. She looked scared. "I'm going to an AA meeting with Alice tomorrow."

A grin spread across my face as elation shot through me. I'd hoped she would agree, but I hadn't expected it.

"You are?" She nodded, a tentative smile beginning to form on her lips. I took her hand from my chest kissing it softly before leaning in for a real kiss, but she stopped me before I could press my lips to hers.

"I'm _trying_, Edward. I can't promise you anything but that. I want to try."

I tucked a stray piece of hair back into her ponytail and rested my hand on her neck. "One day at a time, right? I promise I'll be here for you, Bella."

"Thank you, Edward. I know it's not going to be easy, and if you need to go, then I understand… " she trailed off, looking down. I nudged her chin back up so she'd look at me.

"Bella, don't you know I'll be whatever you need?" I loved her. I couldn't do anything less.


	9. Chapter 9: Powerless

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Twilight_. I do own an empty absinthe bottle with eyes on it.

Thanks to my betas/Vienna life partners stavanger1 and irebporti. Thanks for being there when I needed a sounding board.

Thanks to everyone who's got this on their alerts and favorites, and special thanks to those who review. I'm still fail at replying, but work will slow down in a week or two and I'll get better.

"**Everything to Nothing" – Manchester Orchestra**

_I don't know much  
But a crutch is a crutch  
If it's holding you from moving on  
I don't know what to do  
Not anymore, not anymore  
I don't know what to do  
Not anymore, not anymore  
And you, well you mean everything  
You mean everything to nothing  
You mean everything to nobody but me_

_*****_

**Chapter 9: Powerless**

**BPOV**

Edward was afraid to leave me alone. I knew he didn't trust me not to drink. He was right not to trust me. I didn't trust _myself_. I wanted a drink.

I tried to keep myself busy. I didn't want time to think. I would think myself out of going to AA if I let my mind wander. In a little less than forty-eight hours I'd cleaned the entire apartment and done every bit of laundry I owned. I'd even ironed my sheets. When I didn't keep busy, the thoughts crept back in.

_Why are you even trying? You know you're just going to fail. Why not just spare yourself the trouble and have a drink now?_

_Edward will leave you when he finds out what you did. What are you going to do when that happens? You know you don't deserve him._

I shoved those thoughts to the back of my mind but they were always there, offering snide reasons to fail. Faint whispers that I should just give up now and drink myself into oblivion. When they became too much, I thought of Edward's smile when I'd told him I was going to stop drinking. That memory helped silence the poisonous thoughts. He was becoming my talisman of sorts. Edward calmed me.

These last two days had been hard. I was nervous and cranky and I had to constantly fight the urge to fidget. My stomach was queasy and I had a slight headache that wouldn't go away. My hands still trembled a bit in the morning, but it was much less pronounced than it had been before I'd met Edward. I couldn't imagine what this would have been like if I hadn't cut down on the drinking over the past month.

I was thirsty all the time. My throat burned with it constantly. I knew it was just my body responding to the mild dehydration I'd been forcing on myself for so long. No matter how much water I drank, I was never completely… satisfied. I was convinced there was one thing that would make the burn go away, but it was the one thing I'd promised to give up.

Edward did his best to keep me occupied, but he couldn't be my baby-sitter for the rest of my life. He had to go to work eventually. Yesterday he and I had systematically gone through my apartment, disposing of every bottle of liquor I had. I knew he'd done the same in his apartment; removing all temptation from the two places I spent the most time. I'd shown him all my hiding spaces and he'd painstakingly written down the location of each spot. I'd been so tempted to keep a few of them from him, but it was almost like he knew what I was contemplating. For some strange reason, it didn't make me angry. He'd just look at me with an eyebrow raised, give me that crooked smile, and I was okay with it.

Currently I stood in front of my closet, arms crossed, trying to pick something comfortable to wear that Alice wouldn't complain about. Edward sat on the bed behind me, looking nervous and alternately running his hands through his hair and shifting positions every thirty seconds.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" he asked. It was sweet of him to offer to go, but I wasn't ready for that yet. I didn't know what was going to happen at this meeting, and I was scared to death. If I was honest with myself, I was afraid of disappointing him. I didn't want to take the chance that he might see me as I'd been thinking of myself for so long now: hopeless, worthless and destructive. I didn't want to be judged by him and found lacking.

I knew that was a ridiculous thought. Edward had done nothing but show me how much he cared, but part of me couldn't help but think the end was just one mistake away. One secret away. What would he do when he found out I was a killer? I assumed those thoughts came from the same place as the urges to drink. If I was going to ignore those feelings, didn't I have to put away my fears of confiding in him?

Without turning around I met his green gaze in the full-length mirror on the back of the closet door. He looked more scared than I was. Of course, I knew that was impossible – I was just better at hiding it. I gave him a shaky smile and shook my head.

"Is that 'no, I don't want you to come with me,' or 'no, I'm not sure'?" he asked, a small smile curving his lips. He ran his hands through his hair again, spiking it even more than usual. It was long past artful disarray and was headed for disaster territory. I could see the tension around his eyes. I didn't like it that he was so agitated. It was putting me even more on edge. I went to the bed and started to sit down next to him, only to be pulled into his lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his forehead on my shoulder. I sighed and tried to pat his hair down into something that didn't resemble a nest built by a blind bird.

"Edward," I began, "I appreciate that you're offering to come with me, and I know I will take you up on it one day. But right now… I'm not even sure how I feel about Alice being there." He raised his head, fixing me with a look so full of concern and other things. Things I refused to name but wanted more than anything. Things that I was beginning to realize I felt for him too.

There was another reason I didn't want him there just yet. I didn't want to associate him with something that was sure to be unpleasant for me. I didn't want him to see me in that room with others like me, or worse, others that were successful in the program when I knew there was a very good chance I might not be.

I brushed my fingertip over the crease between his brows, trying to erase the tension. He shut his eyes and sighed, relaxing just a bit. I laid my hand on his cheek, feeling the rough texture of his two-day beard. When he opened his eyes again, his eyes were still dark with concern.

"Just as long as you know I'm here," he said.

"Oh, Edward. I know you are. You'll be here when I get back, right?" He nodded.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" He barked out a short laugh. "I should be comforting _you,_ not the other way around!" He was always very good at comforting me, while I was at a loss as to what to do to ease his anxiety. I wanted to do it, however, because it let me shift the focus away from my own fears.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Edward." There was a momentary flash of something in his eyes, but it was so quick I wondered if I was imagining it. "I don't know if I could do this if I didn't know you'd be here waiting for me," I whispered. I couldn't say any more. It was right there on my tongue, but there were so many words and feelings that wanted out at once, creating a bottleneck behind the cracks in my carefully built walls. I knew the pressure would build and build, until one day everything would come rushing out. I just hoped Edward would still be there after the proverbial flood.

"Of course I'll be here," he said. "Where else am I gonna go?"

"Good." I brushed my lips against his and he tightened his arms around my waist, hugging me to him. It was a sweet, closed-mouthed kiss that comforted me, and I hoped it did the same for him. I drew back and laid my head on his shoulder, enjoying the feeling of being held. We sat there for a moment in the cool room, not speaking, both of us thinking about what the next few hours would bring.

******

An hour later I sat on the couch with Edward, curled into his side, waiting for Alice to arrive. His hand played in the hair that hung loose down my back while we both pretended to watch the television. My whole body was alert: my heart beat faster than normal, my cheeks felt hot, and I had the urge to visit the bathroom constantly, even though I knew there was no reason for me to go. I checked the clock on the DVR for the fifth time in the last five minutes. Alice would be here any time now. I shivered.

"What's wrong, Bella?" he murmured, pulling me closer and running his hand up and down my arm.

"Nerves, I think." I buried my face in the crook of his neck, breathing deeply and letting his comforting scent seep into me. No one smelled like Edward. He smelled like _home_.

"It's okay, you know. Being nervous, I mean," he said. "I'd be more worried if you weren't."

"Thanks," I said, laughing wryly.

"Anytime," he said. I just knew he was smirking. I looked up anyway, because I really never could resist seeing it. I wasn't disappointed. "I'm nervous too, if that helps. If it gets hard you can think of me here, pacing and biting my fingernails," he teased.

We both laughed and he kissed me, brushing his firm lips over mine. A knock sounded on the door, but neither one of us moved to answer it. He pressed his lips to mine again, one hand twisting in my hair as he deepened the kiss. It was a promise; a kiss of possession that I could feel in my soul.

"Bella?" Alice's voice was muffled through the door. "Are you there?" She knocked again.

Edward dropped his hand from my hair and I pulled away. I watched his face and knew he could see right through me. He saw my fear, my uncertainty. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, taking a moment to throw up some makeshift walls before getting up and going to the door. I pasted a smile on my face before releasing the deadbolt and opening the heavy door.

Alice stood there with Jasper. "Hi," she said brightly. I wasn't fooled. She was so nervous she practically vibrated, her eyes darting from me to Edward and back again.

"Hi," I said, staring at both of them, my eyebrows raised in question. Jasper held up the giant pizza box in his hands.

"I thought since you ladies were going to dinner I'd make sure Edward got fed," Jasper said sheepishly. I gave him a small smile as I stepped back, inviting them in with a gesture of my hand.

"Please, come in."

"I _am_ capable of feeding myself, you know. Ask Bella." He might have been making a show of being offended, but I saw him surreptitiously sniff the air as he came closer. I shook my head at Alice, earning a scowl from Edward. "Jazz, please tell me that's pepperoni and Canadian bacon," he said hopefully, effectively ruining his pouting act.

"C'mon, Edward. I lived with you for almost three years. I'm offended you'd think I would forget what you eat on your pizza," he said smugly as they headed for the little kitchen. I had to admit I was extremely relieved that Edward wouldn't be spending the evening alone.

"Thanks for bringing Jasper," I said softly so the men wouldn't overhear. "Edward needed something to keep him occupied tonight."

"No problem. Jazz is more than happy to do it," she said as she enveloped me in a hug. "Are you ready?" she whispered in my ear.

"No." I wasn't beginning this process by lying to myself. "But I'm going." She squeezed me tightly when she heard that, forcing most of the air out of my lungs and causing me to squeak out my next sentence.

"Alice, you're strong!" I squeaked.

"Don't you forget it," she said, giggling. "Just try thinking about running off. I'll drag you back." She pulled back, flexing her tiny bicep at me. I let out a little amazed laugh, picturing Alice chasing after me in the parking lot. She held me out at arm's length, her sharp eyes taking in my entire form at once. I held still for her inspection while mentally steeling myself for the fashion criticism that was coming.

I'd chosen an old Rage Against the Machine tee and long sleeved undershirt with jeans. My favorite black Doc Martens were on my feet. The t-shirt and Docs I'd owned before that spring in Phoenix, before my life was irrevocably changed. Back when I'd been happy and my only problems dealt with grades or living down dropping my tray in the middle of the lunchroom floor.

She just rubbed her hands up and down my arms and smiled, shocking the hell out of me. I'd chosen this outfit for comfort and had no intention of changing, but I was almost positive Alice would complain. I needed the extra layers and the feel of the soft cotton against my skin. The same cotton I'd felt against me before I'd been shoved headlong into adulthood and the sick undercurrents of the real world. These clothes held so many happy memories, and I was wearing them as armor against what would come later tonight.

"No complaints?" I asked, surprised.

"You get a free pass this week," she said. "Next week you won't be so lucky. Let's get going. We want to have plenty of time to eat."

"Bella, wait," Edward called as he walked in from the kitchen. I turned as he grasped my hand, holding it between his larger ones.

"I'll meet you at the elevators, Bella," Alice said. I nodded and she went to say her goodbyes to Jasper while Edward led me to the little hallway next to the bedroom.

He held both of my hands in his, linking our fingers and holding them behind my back for a moment as he placed a soft kiss on my lips.

"I know you can do this," he said softly. I swallowed past the lump that had formed in my throat, too afraid to do anything but nod. I was dreading that meeting more with each passing second. "I'll be here when you get home, just think of that." He released my hands and loosened the metal band of his watch, slipping it off his wrist. He placed the watch in my palm, the metal still warm from his skin. "I know you never wear a watch. Keep this in your pocket, and if it gets to be too much, take it out and look at it. Then you'll know exactly how much time you have until you can come home." _To him_.

He closed my fingers over the watch, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear with his other hand. I gripped the watch so hard the ridges in the metal bit into my skin.

"Thank you, Edward," I whispered. "Thank you so much." I blinked my stinging eyes to ward off the tears I knew would fall if I let myself think about his gesture.

"Thank _you_, Bella. I'm so proud of you." He slid his hand into the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling my face up to his so he could cover my lips with his own. He still held my hand that gripped his watch, his big fingers completely enveloping mine.

Our lips fit together perfectly, soft and lush, warm and smooth. I tilted my head to the side and let my lips part slightly, sighing on a little puff of air and shyly inviting him in. He merely ran the tip of his tongue across my lips, offering just a hint of what I wanted. He began to pull away, but I needed this before leaving. I needed physical reinforcement, because my mind refused to let me believe his words even though my body knew he was telling the truth.

I raised my free hand to tangle in his hair, forcing his head back to mine. I met his mouth with open lips this time, letting my tongue trace his lips before he gave in and let me in, groaning as his fingers tightened on the back of my neck and pulled me closer. I let my teeth graze his bottom lip, knowing it would provoke him into taking control of the kiss. I was not disappointed. Suddenly his tongue was in my mouth, our faces pressed tightly together as he twined his tongue with mine slowly before pulling back to rest our foreheads together.

He gave me that half-smile of his, one corner of his mouth curving up as he shifted his hand, his thumb stroking the apple of my cheek. I took a deep breath and stepped back.

"Time to go," he said thickly. "You'll do great. I know it."

I held up the watch in one hand, faintly gesturing with it. I grabbed my coat at the door and he helped me slide my arms into the sleeves. He smirked at me as he swatted my hands away from the buttons and completed the task himself. I still clutched his watch in my right hand; he lifted it to his lips and laid a warm kiss on my fingers before taking the watch and tucking it in my pocket.

"Bye, Edward," I whispered as I threw my arms around his neck, squeezing him hard quickly as I tried to impart all my feelings in a five-second hug. I met Jasper's eyes as he watched us from the kitchen, his face set in a soft expression. He nodded once, as if to say he'd make sure Edward was fine.

I dropped my arms and backed away, meeting Edward's intense gaze one last time before turning and leaving the apartment without looking back.

*****

"How are things with you and Edward?" Alice asked as the waiter dropped off our entrées. We'd chosen a little Thai restaurant close to the church where the meeting was being held. I focused on scooping up Phad Thai noodles with my chopsticks as I thought about how to describe our situation.

"Complicated," I finally said with a little nervous laugh.

"How so?"

"Well… at dinner the other night, he blurted out that I'm an alcoholic to his brother and his wife." Her eyes widened and she paused with her loaded chopsticks halfway to her face.

"Really," she mused. I was a little surprised by her reaction. I was expecting… something less calm. Anger or shock, maybe, but one never really knew with Alice. "Yet you're still with him. Interesting." She looked down at her plate and shoved the noodles into her mouth, but not before I caught the little smirk she was trying to hide.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, shoving the food around on my plate.

"Nothing," she said innocently. "How did that come up, exactly? I mean, it wasn't like he was using it as an ice breaker, right?"

I looked at her, mouth hanging open, as I tried to process the fact that my best friend was making fun of a very painful moment.

"Alice, it's not funny."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I don't mean to make fun. It's just that… the Bella I used to know wouldn't have given anyone the time of day after a mistake like that," she explained. "I think it says a lot about what you feel for him."

I looked down at my food, avoiding her perceptive stare. My throat ached and I reached for my water. I needed a drink, preferably the non-water kind.

"Bella, are you in love with him?" she asked softly.

"He called me 'Love' the other day," I said, avoiding her question. She studied me knowingly, conveying with her eyes that she knew exactly what I was doing.

"You didn't run screaming in the other direction?" She busily stuffed her face with noodles, no doubt trying to keep that self-satisfied smile off her face.

"I wasn't exactly in the position to be running," I said, my eyes darting everywhere but her face. I could feel the heat creeping up into my cheeks.

"Oh, really?" she asked. She didn't even bother hiding her face this time. She grinned widely. "Just give up. You're not fooling me. You're in love with him."

"You don't know what you're fucking talking about." Actually she did, but I didn't want to say it out loud. If I gave voice to those feelings, it would set things in motion that would bring everything crashing down around me. I'd have to tell him what happened in Phoenix. I reached into my pocket and curled my fingers around Edward's watch.

"Just stop it, Bella. What the hell are you afraid of?" she asked, annoyed.

"What am I _not_ afraid of, Alice? I'm afraid I won't be able to get better! I'm afraid he'll realize I'm not worth his time. I'm afraid he'll be disgusted by me when he finds out what I did," I said hoarsely. I closed my eyes tightly, clenching my fingers around the cool metal of the watch. I took a deep breath and met Alice's warm hazel eyes.

"Bella, listen to me. What happened in Phoenix was _not_ your fault," she said urgently. I shook my head at her. No one knew how untrue that statement was better than I did. If I'd just listened to James and stayed out of that room, my mother would be alive today.

_Would _you_? What about those photos of you? What do you think he was doing with them? You don't think you would have ended up in that room eventually, because he _put_ you there?_

This voice was new. Where had it come from?

"Bella? Bella!" Alice waved her hand in front of my face. I snapped out of my thoughts, focusing on her face once more. "I'm only going to say this once. You didn't see Edward's face that night Jasper and I met you at the bar. When you passed out he was really frightened. He _cares_ for you. Don't let this slip away because you're too afraid to tell him about your past. Give him a chance."

She turned her attention back to her food and I did the same.

"You_ are my life now…"_

"_I assure you, Love, hatred is the exact opposite of what I feel for you…"_

_Could I trust him to stay?_ He'd known I was no angel right from the start.

Those thoughts made my brain hurt. I needed to concentrate on the meeting to come. I could save the debate on Edward's steadfastness for another time.

I poked at my food, staring at the mass of noodles on my plate. I sighed and looked up to find Alice looking at me, absolute sadness etched on her face.

"Alice… thanks for being such a good friend to me. I know it hasn't been easy," I said sincerely. This little woman had stuck by me even when I'd pushed her away, and she'd been right there when I'd reached out to her again.

"You're my sister in every way that matters, Bella. I'll always be here for you." She reached across the table and took my hand. "I just don't know if it's enough."

"What do you mean? Of course it's enough," I replied.

"You know it's not. When's the last time you met with your psychologist?"

"I don't need a psychologist, Alice. All they ever want to do is make me relive things I have no interest in thinking about ever again. I do that enough in my nightmares," I said through clenched teeth.

"Maybe if you hadn't quit going you wouldn't have the nightmares," she said under her breath. I heard her anyway.

"Alice, I'm fine. I don't need therapy," I said through clenched teeth.

"Bella, it's been ten years since your mom died. You _still_ have nightmares. You've been drinking yourself to death since you stopped therapy when you moved here to Seattle. Doesn't sound like you don't need it to me."

"How far are you going to push me?" I asked, meeting her eyes with a hard stare. "You're not my keeper." I tossed my chopsticks onto my plate, too disgusted to eat any more.

"No, but I _am_ your friend," she said vehemently. "Look around you. You've met a nice guy who obviously would do anything for you, you're letting me back in, and you've decided to quit drinking. Things are happening for you!" She reached into her purse and drew out a card, handing it to me across the table. "Dr. Weber was a classmate of Jasper's. She's a good friend of his. Think about it."

*****

Alice parked her car in the little parking lot next to the church. She led me to a little side door, which was somehow more intimidating than the giant carved wooden doors I'd seen at the front of the building before we'd parked. The unassuming glass door loomed ahead of me, displaying our reflections in the dim light from the streetlamp. I was pale and drawn, my body stretched and warped in the dark glass. I wrapped my arms around my stomach as time slowed and I dragged my feet across the asphalt.

These last few steps would take me out of the known and thrust me into a new world of nightmares unfiltered by the haze of alcohol. I hadn't had a drink in the last two days, but it had always been an option; I'd told myself it was there if I really needed it. Stepping inside this building would change all that. I felt a shot of anger at Alice, at Edward, at _myself_ for allowing this to happen. _Was my drinking really so bad?_

Faces flashed in my mind: Renee, Charlie, Alice, Edward. _James_. I squeezed my eyes shut against his face, but I still saw him, his face constricted in rage as he held his hand over my mouth and nose. I saw him kneeling over Renee, his hands wrapped around her throat.

I stopped short and gasped for breath, bending at the waist to escape the wave of dizziness that struck me. I was immediately glad I hadn't allowed Edward to accompany us. The sight of my distorted reflection in that glass door had effectively ripped away the last shred of my defenses, leaving me crippled by the memory of those minutes leading up to the end of my mother's life. My feet itched to run, to slip into a dark bar and drink until it all went away. My mouth began to water as I thought of the pungent taste of absinthe. I shoved the visions away, reaching blindly for Edward's watch and clutching the cold metal in my hand.

"Bella! Are you okay?" Alice wrapped her arm around me, leading me to sit against the cold, gritty brick of the church. I sucked in breath after breath of damp air, the humidity making it feel impossible to catch a full breath. After a few minutes, I nodded, finally slowing my rapid breaths. I heard footsteps and looked up to meet the black eyes of a stranger staring at me sympathetically as he passed, his long black hair gleaming in the light above the door. I immediately looked away, filled with a surge of anger. I didn't need anyone's pity. I sat there for a few more minutes, my anger burning steadily.

"Let's get this thing the fuck over with," I growled, jerking out of Alice's embrace and stalking to the door. She hurried along behind me as I walked through the entryway, looking left and then right before striding briskly to the left down the badly lit hallway. Obviously the patrons of this church were slacking in the Offerings department. They couldn't even afford to buy decent light bulbs. Alice's tiny hand gripped my wrist and she pulled me to a halt.

"It's this way," she said, pointing in the opposite direction. "I know you're scared, Bella, but believe me, this is the best thing you can do for yourself." I rolled my eyes at her and followed her back down the corridor.

"No, the _best_ thing I could do for myself is buy a stiff drink," I muttered under my breath as we reached a folding table loaded with coffee and doughnuts. Bright light spilled out from an open door right next to the table.

"This isn't exactly the place for that." The deep voice came from the doorway, and I jerked my head up to meet the black eyes of the stranger who'd seen me outside the church. He smiled widely, his teeth freakishly white in his russet face. "I _can_ offer you some of the crap they call coffee, though." I clutched Edward's watch even harder in my coat pocket, wishing I was anywhere else but this… hell and its pitying strangers.

"Fuck off," I said flatly.

"Bella!" Alice gasped. She turned to the stranger. "I'm so sorry for my friend," she started.

"Don't fucking apologize for me, Alice," I said as I brushed past him and into the room. I ignored the stares of the other people as I went to a chair in the back of the room and dropped into the seat. I pulled Edward's watch out of my pocket and fastened it around my wrist. It was extremely big and hung off my wrist, but I needed to be able to see it. I rested my hand in my lap and snuck peeks around the room through my lashes.

_They all looked so…_ normal. No one particularly stood out as the "typical alcoholic." I didn't see any winos or bums. There was a businessman, dressed in a suit and tie, sitting completely still except for his left leg, which was bouncing rapidly. There was another woman with wild red hair who looked to be about my age; she sat with her legs crossed as she read a book. I looked closely at the spine, which read _The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous_. I snorted. What a fucking stupid title.

Alice sat next to me and offered me a plate full of doughnuts. I had no idea where she was going to put it all after devouring an entire platter of Phad Thai, but Alice ate more than anyone I'd ever met. It should have been physically impossible, given her tiny body. I shook my head, not meeting her eyes. Leaning back in the chair, I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed out a sigh. Alice shrugged and began demolishing the doughnuts, getting powdered sugar everywhere.

I fixed my gaze on a tattered poster of Jesus standing in the backlit doorway to heaven, beckoning in his flock with that sad, innocent face. I snorted softly. _Sheep. That's what we all are. Fucking sheep. _

The black-haired stranger stepped up to the battered podium at the front of the room and cleared his throat.

"I'd like to call this meeting to order," he said loudly. Everyone quieted and turned their attentions to the front. "I'll begin by reading the AA Preamble. 'Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking…'" I sighed again and looked at the watch. Still too much time left. Alice nudged me with her foot and I rolled my eyes at her. This was a bunch of bullshit. I wished I'd driven myself so I could stop at a bar on the way home.

"Bella, listen!" she hissed. I pointedly looked at the watch again.

"I'll now lead us in the Serenity Prayer.

'God, grant me  
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  
The courage to change the things I can, and  
The wisdom to know the difference,'" he said, everyone else in the room hanging on his every word.

I tuned him out as he droned on about something called "How it Works," and twelve or thirteen traditions and promises shit.

"Welcome to the meeting, everyone. For those of you who don't know, my name is Jake, and I'm an alcoholic." I looked up and saw he was staring directly at me. I felt singled out and self-conscious and looked down at the floor, focusing on the pattern of scuff marks on the tile.

_I'm an alcoholic…_ Yes. I was. Up until recently, I'd been okay with that. I rubbed my finger over the metal of the watch.

"I'm powerless over alcohol." My eyes snapped up and I found him still staring. "That's the first step. I have to remind myself of that very first step every Goddamn morning. Because I start over every day. One day at a time is the only way it works for me." His eyes bored into mine as he spoke.

I sat through the rest of the meeting, staring at Jake and the others as they each took their turns speaking. I was surprised at the many similarities I shared with these people, yet for every detail in common, my other side found a trait that was completely opposite and offered those as proof that I wasn't like _them_. That I didn't need help and I was weak for wanting it. I wavered back and forth, hope, fear, anger and sadness roiling in my belly, until finally it was my turn. I sat there, frozen in my chair and shot a quick glance at Edward's watch. I didn't have much time left. Could I do it? Could I stand up and begin the rest of my life?

_I'm powerless over alcohol._

I was. I've lived the last ten years powerless over everything. I'd been powerless from the moment James had caught me in the darkroom. I'd been powerless when he'd pinned me to the couch, suffocating me until I'd lost consciousness. I'd been powerless when I'd woken up to find James strangling the life out of my mother who'd obviously tried to save me, her eyes pleading with me to get out as she struggled for her life.

I'd been powerless even when I'd finally shot that bastard; emptying the gun into his body, because it was already too late for my poor mother, her eyes half closed and glazed as she lay still next to James' bleeding body. I stood slowly, my hand grasping the watch on my wrist as I blinked rapidly. Alice rested her hand on the small of my back and I took comfort from the gentle pressure. My whole body shook in tiny tremors as I fought to keep tears from falling and I sucked in ragged breaths. My heart pounded so hard my ears throbbed with it. I closed my eyes and opened my mouth.

"My name is Bella, and I'm an alcoholic."

*****

A/N: Uh-oh. Am I in trouble for throwing Jake in there? *ducks to avoid projectile rotten vegetables*

What I'm reading now:

**The Coven by phoenixhunter47 - **_Just staring out at Yale, Bella Swan is determined to shed her normal cautious attitude and predictable ways to embrace adventure and change. That is until she learns of an elite group hidden within the walls of her new Ivy League home. Seduced by the unknown, Bella finds herself caught up in the danger that is The Coven._

Suspense, mystery, dead languages… what's not to like? Seriously though, this one is well researched and makes me think. You're all probably reading it already anyway…

So… thoughts? Complaints? Jake flames? Oh, ye of little faith… leave me some review love, will ya? So I know if I'm on the right track?


	10. Chapter 10: Change

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do own a Lab with a raging ear infection.**

This is the longest chapter yet, I think. Edward is kinda wordy.

Thank you Betas irebporti and stavanger1, even though if you read this early, it might not be betaed yet. I'm an impatient biatch.

Thanks to all the new alerts and favorites. I appreciate it. Of course, I'd still LOVE to hear from you… 'cause I'm a review whore like that.

This chapter is dedicated to Rob for being so fucking sexy and going to Cannes.

*********

"**Saved" – The Spill Canvas**

_You are unreachable, but it looks like I could_

_Sometime soon_

_I am unraveling unbearably empty  
and if this ground gives way I just hope that you'll catch me._

You came and saved me tonight  
Defending all my life  
Whoa, now I'm content with my breath 'cause I'm alive  


_*********_

**Chapter 10: Change**

**EPOV**

Jazz and I sat on the couch watching the Mariners get killed in a preseason game. I felt bad for Jasper, because I'd been a shitty host this evening. I kept thinking about Bella. I don't know how many times I'd zoned out, wondering if she was scared, or mad, or… in that little bubble she isolates herself in when she's hurting. I caught myself looking at my empty wrist more times than I could count.

"You know you're going to make yourself crazy doin' that," Jasper said. "Alice will take good care of her. She loves that girl like a sister."

"I know, Jazz." I ran my hand through my hair a couple times and sighed.

"I hate to ask you this, Edward, but I have to. I love Alice more than anything, and she loves Bella." He shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat. "I guess what I'm tryin' to say is… what hurts Bella hurts Ali. You get me?"

I nodded.

"From what Alice tells me, Bella's real fragile. I just wanna make sure you're serious about this thing with her. She's gonna take a lot of hard work and need a lot of support to get herself through this," he said. "You're my friend, but Ali is the love of my life. I have to look out for her, which means Bella gets grandfathered in."

"I understand, Jazz. You have no idea how much I understand. If someone hurt Bella…" I took a deep breath and released my clenched fists. "I'd fucking kill them," I said, dead serious, looking him in the eye. He nodded once, and I knew I didn't have to say more. Jasper and I had never required many words to have a conversation. It had started when we were roommates freshman year at U-Dub and had continued through all four years of college together.

"Good," he said, taking a long drink of his Coke. We both would have preferred a nice cold beer, but I didn't want any alcohol around Bella and I didn't think it was fair of me to drink it when she couldn't. I didn't need it. Giving up beer was nothing compared to having her in my life. I wondered what I would have to do with Denali. I didn't see any way I could keep it, because I didn't want Bella dealing with all that shit. I had plenty of money, but I needed a job, something to keep my mind alert and involved. I supposed I'd have to sell the building, including my apartment, and find something new. I shook my head and filed the thought away.

"What has Alice told you about Bella?" I wondered if Alice knew the whole story. Of course, I couldn't let either one of them know what I knew, but maybe Alice knew something more than what could be documented in a private investigator's report.

"I don't know the details. Ali wouldn't tell me. I just know you need to be real careful with her, Edward," he said.

"Dammit Jasper, don't you think I know that? I wouldn't hurt her," I said emphatically. I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, and dropped my head into my hands for a moment. After I collected myself, I looked up. "I love her, Jazz."

The asshole laughed at me, his lazy smile prominent on his face.

"Well, no shit, Sherlock," he managed in between chuckles. His eyes flicked toward the television as someone hit a home run. I looked at the score. Fuck. Of course it wasn't the Mariners. I leaned back in disgust, my head hitting the back of the couch as I closed my eyes, thinking about a lot more than the baseball game. We sat there in silence for a moment, both of us a little uncomfortable with the depth of conversation we'd just had. I looked down at my chest quickly, checking for breasts that might have magically appeared since I'd learned Bella was going to AA. "Alice did ask me something recently."

I cocked an eyebrow and raised my hand, palm facing the ceiling in an invitation to continue.

"She asked me for the card of one of my friends from UW. You might remember her. Angela Weber?"

I thought for a moment but came up blank. "No, I can't say I do," I answered.

"She's a counselor. Ali thought it would be good for Bella to go back to talk therapy." It _was_ a good idea, but I worried that Alice was pushing Bella too far.

"She needs to go, but I just don't know if now is the right time to bring it up," I said uncertainly. I grabbed the empty soda cans and dirty plates to take to the kitchen, needing something to do with my hands.

"It's hard to stop Alice when she gets something in that head of hers," he said, his shoulders lifting in a shrug. I nodded absently and sat back down on the couch. The remains of our dinner were cleaned up, leaving me with nothing else to do. "You should probably look into Al-Anon meetings. Alice mentioned that too… I know she'd go with you. She went to one last week. Said it made a lot of sense."

His tone was conversational, but I knew how Jasper worked. He had a way of speaking that relaxed everyone, a way of suggesting things and convincing everyone that it was their idea. I tried to be annoyed at his maneuvering, but Al-Anon wasn't anything I hadn't considered before.

I looked at my bare wrist again, picturing Bella's face and wondering how she was doing. Was she upset? Happy? Scared? Angry? _God, I wish I could be there with her. _My wrist felt strange; instead of feeling lighter, it almost felt like there was a heavy weight hanging where my watch should be.

She'd taken such a big step tonight. I knew she needed more help than we could give her, but my first instinct was to protect her from every kind of pain and fear, protect her from _everything_. Therapy would be so good for her, but the thought of the mental anguish she'd be facing made me want to punch something. Only because I couldn't do anything about it.

The more I thought about Bella's past, the angrier I got. When I'd first read that report, I didn't think it would be possible to be any more horrified and pissed off. I was wrong. After seeing how scared she was after waking up from those nightmares... If that fucker James wasn't already dead, I'd track him down and kill him myself. I wouldn't be as merciful as Bella had been. No quick death by gunshot from me. I'd make it slow and painful; make it last for days if I could. No death could be horrible enough for the man who'd hurt her.

Entertaining homicidal fantasies didn't assuage my guilt, but I let my mind wander anyway. Part of me thought that if I could be her hero, if I could save her, help heal her, it would make up for all the lies I'd told her.

It was almost enough to drive _me_ to drink. Then I thought about how she must feel. If it affected me this way, how much worse was it for her? She'd been living the nightmare for ten years.

"Stop it, Edward. I see smoke comin' out of your ears. Give your tiny brain a rest," he snickered.

"Fuck you, Jazz." I curled my lip at him and shoved my hand through my hair again as he laughed at me. I looked at the clock on the DVR. They'd been gone for almost three hours. How much longer could it be? I shifted restlessly and stared at the T.V. We sat there for what seemed like hours before Jasper's phone buzzed and he slipped it out of his pocket.

"It's a text from Ali. They're almost here."

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. _Thank God_. I couldn't wait to hear how it went. I stood up suddenly, too restless to stay sitting.

"I'm gonna meet Alice downstairs. She's just gonna drop Bella off. You know, so you can have some privacy," he said quietly.

"Jazz… thanks for tonight. I know I wasn't the best company."

"No problem, Edward. You be careful," he said as he clapped me on the back before heading to the door. He shut the door behind him with a quiet click and I was left with my anxious energy. I got Bella a glass of iced water because I knew how thirsty she'd been lately. Placing the water on the coffee table, I went to the door and opened it to stare at the elevator down the hall, shoving my hands in my pockets and waiting impatiently for the first glimpse of Bella's face.

The doors slid open and she shuffled out, her arms crossed over her chest and her head down. I started toward her, trying to keep my steps slow so I didn't startle her or look like some kind of fucking clichéd freak running to his lover or some shit straight out of a chick flick. She looked up and finally saw me, her steps slowing until she halted a few feet away. I stopped as well, even though every cell in my body was urging me to go to her, like I was a piece of metal and she was a magnet. Her red-rimmed brown eyes were huge in her face, the rich color stark against her pale skin and blotchy cheeks. She'd never looked more beautiful to me. With great effort, I stayed where I was, uncertain what she wanted me to do. I hated feeling so damned unsure.

"Hi," she said in a scratchy voice.

"Hey." I offered her a huge smile, because I was damn proud of her. She still didn't move and I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly as I began to worry about what was going on inside her head. _Is she leaving? Did she decide she can't be with someone and be successful in recovery?_ My imagination began supplying all kinds of scenarios, all involving me without Bella in my life.

Then her lips stretched into a small smile, her bottom lip trembling as her eyes grew shiny and glittered in the overhead light. She rushed at me and threw her little arms around my neck. I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her hair, hugging her so hard her feet left the floor.

"I missed you," I whispered, inhaling the sweet scent of subtle flowers and fruit that was Bella.

She laughed once, a sound thick with emotion. "Me too," she said and sucked in a short breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob.

"Oh, Bella," I murmured, my hand sweeping up and down her back in long strokes. We remained in the hallway for a moment before I hooked a hand behind her knee, urging her to wrap her legs around my waist. I walked back to the open door and kicked it shut behind me. I sat her down on the couch and handed her the glass of water before joining her. She grasped it in both hands and drank most of it, then set it aside.

She looked up at me uncertainly; I could see the indecision in her dark eyes as she searched my face. I brushed a few stray tears off her cheek with my thumb and she closed her eyes, leaning into my touch. I let my fingertips wander down her cheek, across her shoulder and all the way down her arm, where they brushed against my watch that was fastened loosely around her small wrist. I stared at it for a moment, relishing the sight of something that belonged to me on her body. Something that marked her as mine.

"Would you like to talk about it?" I asked. _Please tell me about it. Please let me in._

She said nothing, just gripped my hand in hers and slid underneath my arm, sitting practically in my lap. Her head was just underneath my chin and I couldn't resist letting my cheek rest against her soft hair. She looped her arms around my waist and we sat there in silence, wrapped up in each other. I closed my eyes and absently ran my hand up and down her arm, stopping occasionally to touch my watch on her wrist.

"Alice and I talked about you at dinner," she said quietly.

"I hope it was all good stuff," I replied, trying to keep things as light as possible for her. She let out a little huff of breath that might have been a laugh.

"I ratted on you for outing me to your brother."

_Ouch._

"Bella… I am _so_ sorry for that. Please, you have to know –" I began.

"Edward, I know. I know. Alice took your side anyway."

"She did? But I shouldn't have said that…" I couldn't believe it. She'd taken _my_ side?

"Just don't worry about it. You're forgiven. You didn't do anything but tell the truth. I shouldn't have brought it up." She patted my stomach and let her warm hand rest just above my bellybutton. I laced the fingers of my free hand with hers and touched my lips to her hair. "I stood up tonight," she said.

"Really?" I didn't say more; I wanted her to keep going. I wanted her to trust me enough to share her experience with me.

"Edward… it was awful. When I walked in, I felt like everyone was staring at me. And when they started speaking… they _were_ staring right at me, speaking right to me," she whispered. I continued my soothing strokes up and down her arm, trying to comfort her with my touch. "Some of them had horrible stories. They were homeless or lost their whole families because of the drinking."

"It's a disease, Bella. You know better than anyone how tough it can be," I said.

"But I'm not like _them_, Edward. I haven't killed anyone with my car, or stolen things, or lost my job…" I didn't like the direction this conversation was taking. I felt like she was trying to talk herself out of continuing with the program. My nerves returned in full force as I realized that I had to walk a very fine line here to convince her to stick with it.

"Not yet. Do you want to let it go that far, though?" I bit my tongue, afraid I'd said too much. I never really knew how far to go with her when we were discussing serious things like this. Probably because whenever I tried she usually jumped me like we'd been apart for weeks. My dick didn't help matters by being a fucking pushover when it came to that shit either.

"No, but I don't even know that it would, Edward," she said, a hard edge to her voice. "I'm not _that_ bad." I had to put a stop to this right now. I lifted her left hand off my stomach, turning her forearm up so that the soft skin of the underside was facing us.

"This says differently," I growled, staring at the silvery scar that stretched from her wrist halfway to her elbow. Her whole body stiffened against my side and she yanked her arm out of my grasp, but she didn't pull away. She just laid her palm flat against my chest and took a deep breath, settling her face further down into the crook of my neck. I felt the hot gust of air as she exhaled raggedly and I tightened my arm around her.

"Do you still want that?" My voice was rough as I struggled to swallow the lump in my throat. Seeing that scar never failed to send absolute sadness and relief through my body at the same time; sadness that was a reflection of what Bella must have felt in that moment as she tried to take her own life, yet relief at the fact that she hadn't been successful.

It was yet another thing she wouldn't tell me about. I knew it had something to do with her mother and what happened in Phoenix, but I still wanted her to tell me. I was getting tired of her not trusting me with anything.

_You're one to talk about trust, you prick. She shouldn't trust you. You fucking stalked her. You invaded her privacy. You lie to her every day you don't tell her what you know._

"Honestly?" she asked.

"I always want you to be honest with me." _Right. Be honest with me, Bella, because I've been _so_ honest with you._ I dismissed my annoying asshole of a conscience as she spoke. There was time for that later.

"No, I don't want that," she whispered. "That's what scares me. _You_ scare me. You make me want to… try." Her voice was soft, but her fingertips dug into my skin where we touched, betraying the depth of emotion behind her words. It made me so fucking sad, yet completely elated. I'd be surprised if the universe didn't implode around me because of the conflicting feelings I was always experiencing around her. One would think they'd cancel each other out.

"I hope you want to try for yourself." That was the most important part. I was flattered she considered me a reason for her turnaround, but it would never work if she didn't want it for herself.

She let out a derisive laugh before answering. "It should be enough that I even want to try. I didn't before." I leaned my face back and placed my hand on her jaw, urging her chin up with my thumb. Her earthen eyes were sad but also seemed to be pleading for reassurance. I could give her that. I wanted to give her everything if she'd only let me.

"Bella, you know that's not enough. Why can't you see what I see?" I asked. She tried to look away but I held firm, refusing to let her break the connection. "I have faith in you, Bella. I know how strong you are inside, and even if you can't see it, it's there," I said earnestly. "You're worth it." She closed her eyes since I wouldn't let her turn her face away. "Please don't shut me out," I begged. She slowly lifted her lids, her eyes glassy with moisture.

"I just don't know how you see it, Edward. I can't find it," she whispered raggedly.

"What do you think made you go to the meeting tonight?"

"Alice. You," she answered, a tear slowly slipping down her cheek.

I brushed it away and smiled at her, shaking my head and laughing softly. "Bella, I don't think anyone can make you do something you don't want to do." I let my smile fade before continuing. "I hope you know I'm never going to force you." _I won't draw the line at using everything in my power to convince you to do what you need to do to recover, though. _I could be a pretty manipulative son of a bitch, and I wasn't ashamed of it. I was going to use that to my advantage.

She opened her mouth as if she was going to speak, but closed it again quickly and sighed.

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella. I told you that earlier, and I meant it." I stared at her intensely, purposely putting everything I felt for her into that look. "What do you want for yourself?" I asked.

She blinked slowly, thinking for a moment. "I want to be happy," she said quietly. She swallowed and licked her lips nervously, adding, "I want you."

I tried to tone down the shit-eating grin that formed on my lips, because while those weren't the exact words I wanted to hear, they were fucking close enough for now. My smile faltered a bit when I realized she hadn't said anything about staying sober. I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I held my tongue. I could bring that up at another time.

"You've got me," I said, kissing her forehead before pulling back to meet her gaze once more. She gave me the most beautiful smile, her eyes filled with wonder and surprise. I shook my head at her, still smiling. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere, but I'll keep telling you until you believe it." Color pooled in her cheeks and she closed her eyes, leaning her cheek into my palm. I'd tell her every hour if it meant more moments like this.

"I'm glad you stalked me, Edward," she said, grinning wider.

"Thank God it finally worked with _someone_," I retorted. _Oh, you're such a glib asshole. _Her comment hit a little too close to home and woke up my asshole conscience, but I managed to cover it up with a joke. While the moral half of my psyche berated me, the other half of me basked in the fact that she was teasing me again. I loved these glimpses of Bella. They showed me what Bella could be without the alcohol and emotional issues. They gave me so much hope for the future.

"Finally, huh? What the hell have I gotten myself into?" She was laughing now, and the sound made me so fucking happy. Her laughter faded and she yawned, her little hand covering her mouth as she laid her head back on my shoulder. I let my fingers travel down her arm to link with her hand that still rested on my stomach. I'd never get enough of touching her, of feeling her soft skin and small frame against me.

"Are you ready to go to sleep?" Today had been exhausting; I felt like I'd run the emotional obstacle course today, and it had kicked my ass.

"Can we sleep at your place tonight?" she asked, stifling another yawn.

"Yeah, I guess. Why?" She'd never really requested to sleep in one place or the other in the past, but I certainly didn't mind. I didn't care where we slept, as long as she was with me. The part of me that was stuck in the fucking Stone-Age, the one that only cared about owning her, loved seeing her in my bed. My DNA recognized its perfect genetic complement and was shameless when it came to making sure my genes were passed on to the next generation.

"No reason… your bed is just really comfortable. You've got a pillow-top mattress. And I like your kitchen better," she added.

I laughed at her reasoning. "Are you planning on cooking me breakfast? I can't turn that one down." She smirked at my teasing. "By all means, let's go. Do you need to pack a bag?" I thought of the last time she'd cooked breakfast at my place and I wanted to tell her not to pack any pajamas, but I decided that might not be the wisest thing to say. My brain still had control of my mouth, even though my dick was certainly putting in its two cents.

"Give me a second," she replied, extricating herself from my arms. I let my head fall back onto the arm of the sofa as I waited for her. We were making progress. I heard her rustling around in the bedroom as I sat there, relaxed and happy, successfully repressing my rather annoying conscience for once.

Several minutes later, Bella was tapping my arm. "Are you sure it's okay? We can stay here… you look pretty tired." She was bent over me in the most enticing way, and even though the neckline of her t-shirt provided no visual stimulation whatsoever, my brain was more than happy to supplement it with one of the several memories I had of her cleavage. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair before standing and taking her hand.

"No, it's fine. Let's go," I said. "Besides, I get breakfast out of the deal." I winked at her and was rewarded with the blush I loved to see on her cheeks. She must have been remembering that morning too, which was my plan all along. I picked up her overnight bag and tugged her out of the apartment.

*****

The drive back to my place was quick. I hopped in the shower while Bella got changed for bed. When I finished she wasn't in the bedroom. I quickly towel-dried my hair and pulled on a pair of workout pants, going to the living room to look for her. She was standing next to the piano, trailing her fingertips lightly across the keys. Dressed for bed in a little tank and a pair of what looked like my boxers rolled down at her hips, she looked the perfect combination of innocence and sexiness. I arched an eyebrow as I watched her. She seemed to have a thing for stealing my clothes. I thought it was hot as hell.

She looked up when she heard me walk in. "Will you play for me?" she asked. _Ah, and the real reason she wanted to come over here has emerged._ I gave her a slight smile. I was tired, but I couldn't refuse her anything, especially tonight.

"What would you like to hear?" I asked as I joined her at the bench, pausing to clear off the clutter that had accumulated on top before sitting down and drawing her into my lap. After adjusting her across my legs in such a manner that I could still reach the keys easily, I stretched my fingers out in front of me, allowing them to float softly over the cool ivory. I played a few warm-up scales while she watched.

"I've always loved Beethoven… 'Moonlight Sonata' is one of my favorites."

I let my mouth kick up into a smile at her words. "Why does that not surprise me?"

"Why?" she asked, turning her face to me. We were so close together that I could see the tiny golden flecks that rimmed her pupils.

"Because the piece is just like you," I said quietly as I began to play the opening notes. I didn't need sheet music for this one; it was one of my favorites as well. "It's soft and dark; melancholy and so deep I can't possibly take it all in at one sitting." I held her gaze as I spoke, hoping she could hear what I was trying to say with the music. "It's beautiful and sad at the same time, and it grips me so hard I can't let the melody go…" I fought to keep my voice steady as I moved my fingers over the keys. Her eyes closed and she let out a breath, letting her head drop forward until she rested her head on my shoulder. Goose bumps prickled my skin where her warm breath rushed across.

I closed my eyes as I let my fingers coax the soft notes from the keys. I swayed slightly with the music, my breathing increasing and decreasing with the melody as it swelled and faded. Each note added layer upon layer to the mystery and sadness that made up the fabric that was Bella, until the final chord faded away in rich, dark tones, the resolution hovering sadly in the quiet room.

Bella didn't stir. Her breath hit my neck in the soft, regular rhythm of sleep. It was just as well. I stroked her hair back off of her face, letting the soft strands sift through my fingers.

"I love you, Bella," I whispered, absorbing the feel of her resting lightly in my arms for a moment before I gathered her up to take her to bed. She sighed softly when I placed her onto the mattress; I climbed in beside her and gathered her in my arms before pulling the comforter over both of us. Her hair tickled my nose and I breathed in her scent as I gave in to sleep.

*****

_She was so beautiful. I watched her from a few feet away as she talked and laughed with Alice and Jasper. Her cheeks were flushed with happiness and she gestured wildly with one hand and held a glass of water in the other. Sunlight glittered off of the ice cubes in the glass and the diamond on her finger. I smiled to myself and compared this Bella with the sad, tortured Bella that I'd first met._

_The difference was night and day. She smiled readily and her eyes danced with mirth, tossing her head back and laughing at whatever Jasper had said. The old __Bella would have stood slightly removed from the conversation, curling into herself and avoiding eye contact._

_Emmett joined them, giving Bella one of his trademark hugs; Rose and Charlotte followed not far behind. I watched in surprise as Rose and Bella greeted warmly before Charlotte reached up, begging Bella to swing her into her arms. Charlotte sat perched upon her hip and the sight of my love with my niece spurred both loving and possessive feelings within me. I looked forward to the day Bella and I would have our own children to love, perfect combinations of our love for each other._

_I started towards them as Bella handed Charlotte to her mother, and Emmett began speaking. The smile on Bella's face began to fade as I approached them, and I heard the last few words tumble out of Emmett's mouth._

"_I thought Edward already told you he knew all about what happened in Phoenix…" he said, his features set in a confused expression as he trailed off._

"_Edward already knew _what_?" Bella whispered, her eyes filled with pain and disbelief as she turned to me._

"_He already knew what happened in Phoenix," Rose supplied unnecessarily. I clenched my fists and pinned her with a livid glare; she backed off._

_Everyone else faded away as I met Bella's eyes, and I couldn't stomach the look of betrayal I saw there. _

"_You knew?" she asked, tears spilling over and down her cheeks. _

"_Bella, I didn't know how to tell you," I began, reaching up to wipe away her tears. She stumbled back out of my reach, shaking her head in a tiny motion, her lips moving; no sound emerged._

_She and I looked at the glass in her hand at the same time. The liquid inside changed from crystal clear water to opaline jade as we watched; Bella met my eyes and smirked as she raised the glass to her lips, downing every drop. _

"_I never want to see you again," she spat, tossing the empty glass at my feet as she turned away. I tried to chase after her, but no matter how fast I ran it still seemed as if I was running through water. I tried to catch my breath, but I felt as though I was suffocating. The distance between us grew wider, and I found each successive step was harder to take. _

"_Bella! No! Come back!" I shouted with the last breath in my lungs…_

_*****_

I awoke with sweat beaded on my brow, breathing hard. My fingers were stiff from being clenched into fists for who knows how long. Bella was leaning over me, her brows knitted together in concern as she shook my shoulder. She was raised up on one elbow, leaning over me. Her long hair tickled my chest as she leaned closer.

"Are you okay? I think you were having a bad dream," she said. I could barely hear her voice over the sound of my harsh breaths. She laid her hand over my chest and I knew she could feel how fast my heart was beating. I blinked and licked my dry lips, trying to formulate an answer. I knew that was no dream; that was what would happen if I told her. I was more convinced than ever that she didn't need to know what I'd done. Fuck my conscience. I needed Bella too much to tell her what I knew. I wouldn't make it without her; I loved her too much to risk telling her.

I just had to make sure that Emmett never said anything. Surely he wouldn't want to destroy his own brother? He _had_ to keep quiet.

"I'm fine," I said, my voice cracking. I laughed nervously and gave her a small smirk. She wiped my hair back off my brow and said nothing, just offering comfort for a moment before she spoke.

"You don't look fine," she said, biting her lip. I hugged her close and rolled so we were facing each other on our sides.

"I don't really remember what it was," I answered, using her words from last night against her. Hurt flashed in her eyes for a split second and I saw her visibly force it back.

"It's okay. It's just a dream." She laughed uneasily and let her head sink back into the pillow. Her eyes glinted in the muted light from the streetlamp that shone through the window. I swallowed my discomfort and threaded my hand through her hair. She closed her eyes and scooted closer as she wrapped her arms around me and stroked her hand up and down my back. I sighed and buried my face in the crook of her neck, tangling my legs with hers.

I linked my hands at the small of her back and lay there beating back my conscience. I couldn't tell her. There was no reason to when it would only hurt her.

She hummed out a breath and hugged me tighter, continuing her soothing stroke. I pressed my lips to the tender skin of her neck where it met her shoulder, more to reassure myself of our connection than anything else. Her breath caught and I prolonged the kiss, letting my tongue graze her soft flesh. I raised my thigh until it was pressed up against her center and I was rewarded with a soft moan. I knew she could feel my erection where it pressed against her hip, but I didn't care. I needed her.

Her fingertips dug into my back a little deeper as they began their upward stroke and this time they continued into my hair, her little hands gripping and tugging. I drew the skin of her neck between my lips as I tightened my hands behind her back, applying just enough suction to mark her, but not enough to be painful. I saw her face in the dream, the pain and the anger. I needed to leave something of myself on her, to reassure myself that she belonged to me. Releasing her skin, I sucked in a harsh breath and lifted my head, searching for her lips.

She met me eagerly and I sighed into her mouth in relief as she opened to me. I nipped at her lips in soft bites before I traced her bottom lip with my tongue and slid it between her lips. She moaned softly and I pressed my lips harder to hers, skimming one hand up the length of her back and into her hair. I tilted her head to the side, taking advantage of the new angle to explore every inch of her mouth. I wanted to consume her, make her so much a part of me that she'd never dream of leaving.

She rubbed her hips against my thigh, searching for more, and I rolled so I was half over her. I didn't bother holding myself away from her, using my full weight to press her into the mattress. Grinding my hips against hers, I slid the hand at the small of her back down to palm her ass, pulling her harder into me. I wanted to surround her, keep her, and feel her submission as she yielded to me sweetly just as she always did.

I pulled back from the kiss, holding on to her bottom lip for a moment before releasing it with a soft pop. Her warm eyes glittered from beneath her half-closed lids as I met her gaze and she loosened her grip on my hair, stroking the strands back out of my face gently. Her lips were swollen and red and her cheeks were flushed; my dick throbbed and I was floored yet again at how beautiful she was. My Bella was an angel, and I knew I would remember how she looked in this moment for the rest of my life.

"Edward… what's wrong?" she whispered, her eyes filled with concern, her gaze seeing so much more than I wanted her to see. I closed my eyes and lowered my lips to her chin, moving down her neck in wet kisses and nips.

"Nothing, Love," I said against her skin, sliding my hand from her hair to spread my fingers across her chest. I slipped my fingertips underneath the strap of her tank, tugging it off her shoulder and kissing the skin softly as I revealed it. Kissing my way back across her chest, I paused and placed a reverent kiss just above her heart, laying claim to what I wanted more than anything. She gasped and stiffened slightly, clutching at my shoulders. To distract her, I quickly levered myself up on one elbow and grasped the hem of her tank, raising it up over her belly. She laid her arms on the pillow above her head and I slipped it off.

Flattening my palm against her soft stomach, I skimmed it up and over her ribs and between her breasts, up and down. She arched her back, obviously wanting more. I spread my fingers wide, so they almost grazed her nipples, but not quite. She let out a shaky sigh that was almost a moan and I met her eyes.

"Edward, please." She reached for me, sliding one hand over my chest and gripping my shoulder. I closed my eyes for a second at the chills her touch sent racing down my spine, but I kept hold of my control and refused to give in.

"Please what?" My voice was deep and rough with my desire for her. I wanted her to beg me, wanted her to admit she was mine. I rubbed the backs of my knuckles against her sternum as she hitched her hips into mine, nearly destroying my composure.

"Please… I want you," she gasped. "Touch me."

"Here?" I asked, lightly brushing the back of my hand across her nipple. She sucked in a harsh breath at the contact, and I repeated the motion with more friction.

"Yes," she sighed. "Everywhere." I cupped her breast fully, relishing the feel of her stiff little nipple poking into my palm. She did moan then, and I cut it off with my lips, plunging my tongue inside in blatant ownership. She clutched at my shoulders, digging her nails into the muscle, driving me crazy. I plucked at her nipple gently and she hooked one leg around my hip, trailing one hand down to the elastic waist of my pants and shoving them down over my hips. She hooked her toes into them and dragged them down my legs; I kicked them off in a less than graceful motion. I ripped my lips from hers and hissed as my cock brushed against the cotton of her shorts, the fabric felt rough against my stretched and sensitive skin.

Scooting further down the bed, I licked my way down to her nipples, wedging myself between her spread legs but keeping myself held just above her. I cupped her breasts in my palms, kissing and licking across the swells as I pushed them together.

"Edward, now! Please…" she breathed. I smiled against her flesh, because she was just as desperate as I was. I wanted to prolong the moment, just so I could bask in the feeling, but I knew I was fast approaching my limit. Still, I had to push a little further.

"Will you beg, baby? Tell me how much you want it," I rasped against her nipple before biting it gently. I sucked hard and met her gaze, letting her see my need for her. Letting her know I'd beg for her too. _I'd do anything for you_. I slipped my hand underneath her shorts, shoving them past her hips and letting her kick them off before heading straight for her soaked flesh. I palmed between her legs and let my hand rest there, grinding my dick into the mattress to get some relief.

"Yes, Edward, I'm begging, now!" she gasped, taking on an impatient tone. I chuckled, trailing my nose across the swells of her breasts as I pushed two fingers inside her. She was so wet they slid in easily and we both moaned.

"Is this what you wanted?" I steadily pumped my fingers in and out, curving them at just the angle I knew she liked. I didn't know how much longer I could keep this up. My cock throbbed and I was sure I'd explode the minute I got inside her.

She was whispering incoherently, her hands trembling against my back. I kissed my way back up her neck, increasing the pace of my fingers and pressing the heel of my hand against her clit.

"I can't hear you. Tell me you want me as much as I want you," I said, reaching her lips. I felt her muscles clenching on my fingers, letting me know she was close.

"I'll always want you, Edward," she panted, her breath hitching in and out almost as roughly as mine. Satisfaction shot through me at her words, sending chills down my spine. I pulled my fingers from her and shoved her legs wide with my knees, looming over her. She whimpered at the loss.

"Good, because you're mine," I ground out, pinning her with an intense stare. "And I'm never letting you go."

"Never," she whispered as I fitted the head of my cock to her center.

_I love you._

I plunged into her and froze, nearly collapsing over her at the sensation of her heat surrounding me. She wrapped her legs around my hips and clutched at me tightly, bucking her hips, searching for more. I took deep breaths and pinned her hands to the mattress on either side of her head, lacing my fingers with hers.

"Don't move." I said. If she kept moving there was no way I could make it until she finished. Her hips stilled and she planted little kisses across my neck and shoulders as I hung my head next to hers, my breath sawing in and out of my chest. I regained some composure and slowly pulled almost all the way out, letting her feel all of me before thrusting in harder than before. She tightened her legs around my hips, letting me get inside her even deeper. I kept the pace steady, wanting to make it good for her. I had to please her.

"Don't stop, Edward. I'm so close," she moaned. I increased my pace a bit, releasing one of her hands so I could finger her clit in time with my thrusts. I was fast approaching my limit.

"Is that good, Bella? God, you need to cum," I breathed at her ear. Her inner muscles clenched on my cock at my words, so I kept going, moving my hips faster and faster, going as deep as I could get. "I want you to cum, baby, please." I was the one begging now. She felt so good, so hot, so wet. I could feel my climax burning at the base of my spine.

She was moaning with almost every thrust now, and I could tell she was almost there by how tightly she was squeezing me. I pressed harder on her clit.

"You feel so good, Bella. I'll never get enough of you," I groaned. My words sent her over the edge and she clamped down over me, moaning loudly. I thrust faster through her orgasm, gritting my teeth and barely managing to hold on. I moved my hand under her, hitching her up against me so I could go deeper. I thrust once more and my climax boiled up and out of me. "Bella!" I yelled, my hips bucking erratically against hers before I collapsed against her.

She stroked my back again and I sighed at her touch, my love for her almost too much to keep in. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but I was afraid she wasn't ready to hear it. I rolled to the side, gently pulling out of her and gathering her into my side.

"Edward, are you sure you're okay?" she asked once we'd caught our breaths.

"Baby, I'm fine, really," I answered. _No, not really, but I'll get over it_. I faked a yawn for effect. She yawned in response and I pulled her tighter against me, burying my face in her hair. She remained silent but I could tell she wanted to say more. Finally she relaxed against me and I heard her breath deepen as she fell to sleep.

_I could never tell her. Never. _

_*****_

_A/N: So… Yes? No? Why the hell did you make me wait so long for this crap?_

_I don't have any fic recs this week… I've been working my little tush off to get this out. _

_So let me know if you're liking it. I love hearing from you. I won't be a road warrior for a while, so I can actually respond! I also answer questions on the Twilighted forum thread, and you might see lovely man meat provided by my VLP, stavanger1 (link in my profile)._

_Leave me some love? Please? I'll beg, 'cause this Edward likes that shit._


	11. Chapter 11: Medallion

**I don't own Twilight, just an overactive imagination.**

**I wrote a one-shot for the Age of Edward Contest. 1960s Edward at Woodstock; it's called **_**Save Your Love**_**. Check it out. Obviously the link is on my profile.**

**Does everyone have their big-girl panties on today?**

**MAJOR thanks to betas Isabella303/Shelly and Stavanger1 for talking me down off the ledge. Shelly, you are the ruler of all that is yellow highlighter. Stav, I am your bitch when it comes to commas. Sorry I forgot this the first time I posted this chapter. You both may punish me accordingly. I look forward to it, because I read The Dominant.**

*********

**Kings of Leon – "Closer"**

_Showin' no mercy I'll do it again  
Open up your eyes  
You keep on crying, baby I'll bleed you dry  
Skies are beneath me  
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea_

And it's coming closer… 

*********

**Chapter 11: Medallion**

**BPOV**

I woke up with Edward curled around me. That wasn't really any different than any other morning. What _was_ different - I was worried about him. I'd never known him to have nightmares before. The way he'd taken me afterwards had been so desperate, almost like he needed to make sure I was real.

Ever since he'd come into my life, I had other things to think about than alcohol and my past. Of course, those thoughts still crept in during moments of silence or whenever I was alone. Even after last night and the closeness we'd shared when he had played for me, I wanted to sneak downstairs to the bar and pour myself a large glass. The absinthe would burn _so_ sweetly as it slid down my throat. Edward was asleep, and he would never know…

I bit my lip and carefully turned in the bed so I was facing him. I laid there for a moment and watched his peaceful face, thinking of the disappointment he'd feel if I fell off the wagon already. I didn't want to cause him any pain. I didn't want him to regret being with me.

But… _God_. It was so hard.

I frowned as I recalled the nightmare he'd had last night. _What had he been worried about?_ I shook my head, putting the thought out of my mind. _Everyone has nightmares, right?_ Just because mine were inspired by actual events, it didn't mean that _his_ were as well. I brushed a few stray strands of hair off his forehead, smiling at the little crease that formed between his brows at my touch. Easing out of the bed, I dressed in my pajamas that were discarded on the floor and left the bedroom, starting a pot of coffee and sitting down to watch the television at a low volume. When the coffee was ready, I fixed myself a cup and wrapped myself in a warm quilt on the couch, cupping the mug in my hands.

The morning news failed to capture my attention. I found myself thinking about the AA meeting last night. Alice had forced me to apologize to Jake after the meeting adjourned. Talk about fucking embarrassing. He'd accepted my less than sincere apology graciously, proceeding to give me lots of advice about the program that I didn't particularly want. He and Alice had really hit it off. It didn't surprise me, because they both had the same ebullient, pushy nature. He seemed really eager to be my friend, but I didn't think I had room for another Alice in my life. One was enough.

I'd come away with my bag full of meeting schedules and pamphlets, its overflowing state inversely proportional to my sapped energy and patience. I had to start all over again today. No matter how I felt about anything else I'd learned last night, I knew it was going to be one day at a time for me. I was powerless over alcohol. Just knowing how much of it was directly downstairs had me practically vibrating. I was testing myself, or at least, that's what I tried to think. The urge to throw it all away or get drunk was strong. I shot a glance at the bedroom door, and then to the front door of the apartment, wondering if I could make it downstairs and back before Edward woke.

Just a little ride in the elevator… Leaving the quilt on the couch behind me, I padded to the little table near the door, touching a fingertip to the keys that lay in a little bowl on the tabletop. The keys to the bar were on that key ring somewhere. I picked them up and gripped them hard enough for the edges of the keys to leave indentations in my palm. Sighing, I dropped them back into the bowl with a clunk and walked away, once again wrapping the quilt around my shoulders, as I dropped back onto the couch.

As much as I hated the idea, I knew I had to go to another meeting today. Ninety meetings in ninety days. One down, eighty-nine to go. I could barely contain my excitement.

I was bored, and boredom had never been a good thing for me. Boredom led me to do stupid things, like think about Phoenix, which inevitably led me to drink until I passed out. I thought about doing some journaling, but I didn't have my laptop with me. _I could always use the computer in Edward's office…_

Decision made, I tugged the quilt a little further up on my shoulders and made my way to the office. I'd never spent much time in this room before. It was small and light, modern yet cozy, just like the other rooms in his apartment. I sat at the rich walnut desk and looked around, peering at a few family photos on the surface. There was the requisite extended family photo (I wasn't surprised that every single one of them was ridiculously good-looking), along with a few candid shots of Emmett and his family. There was one picture of a young Emmett in a police dress uniform. An even younger Edward stood next to him, both grinning proudly. _Emmett had been a cop?_ It was obvious he was no longer working in the police force. Something struck me as strange, but I assumed it was just residual feelings from the dinner with Emmett and Rosalie. I dismissed the thought and moved on to the next photo.

It was a picture of Edward and Emmett as boys that drew me. I laughed at first, because I had no idea why he would choose to display this picture where he could see it daily. It was a pretty embarrassing photo. The boys sat on a stone wall and both had the most sullen expression. Edward's face was fixed in a younger version of the Cullen Pout, and Emmett's was almost as cute. Both were wearing Mickey Mouse ears and matching t-shirts.

The picture was appealing to me because I remembered Renee making me pose for lots of pictures like this. There were several from my ill-fated dance lessons and various sports she'd tried to force me to play, until she realized the hospital bills would bankrupt us before I started to enjoy any of it.

Before I knew it, I'd opened up a word document and my fingers were flying over the keys. I wrote about my childhood, about my mother; how much I loved being her daughter, even if she was a little flighty and absentminded. I wrote about how she used to tell me that I was too serious, and that God had given me a silly mother so we could balance each other out. I wrote about my first day in kindergarten and how she sat on the steps crying the whole day while I was in school. I wrote about all the good things I could remember, until I couldn't think anymore. I was drained, but I felt better than I had in weeks.

I looked around in the desk drawers for a flash drive I could save my document to. I was getting frustrated, rifling through the last drawer when I heard Edward's voice in the doorway.

"What are you doing in here?" he asked tersely. I sat up straight in shock, wondering why he was being so short with me.

"Looking for a flash drive," I answered. His brows were knitted together as he rushed into the room and reached into the drawer I was currently searching. He pulled a box of them out of the very back of the drawer and handed me one. "Thank you," I said with a tentative smile. _What is he upset about?_ He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the desk as I inserted the drive into the tower, and I caught him glancing nervously at the screen. "Look, Edward, if you don't want me using your computer, just say so. I was just writing some stuff… I'll make sure I bring my laptop next time." I was beginning to get a little annoyed. I saved the document and yanked the drive out of the USB port.

"It's not that," he said, sighing. I took in his tense shoulders before my eyes wandered south, drawn to where his jeans hung low on his hips. I blinked and forced myself to study his face.

"Then what is it? You just about bit my head off when you saw me in here."

"I didn't know where you were when I woke up. It makes me cranky," he said, looking at me through half-closed eyes. I expected to see that pout any second now. He reached out and hooked a finger under the edge of the quilt and tugged, sending it sliding off my shoulders. I batted his hand away and gave him a little scowl.

"That's not any reason to be mean." I stood up and started for the door, intending to take a shower and give myself a little time to be mad at him. Before I could make it two steps, he grabbed my wrist and tugged me to stand between his legs. He linked his hands at my lower back, pulling me closer, but I leaned my upper half back and crossed my arms. "You're acting weird. Talk to me when you've decided to be nice and not pissy," I snapped. He leaned forward until his chest pressed against my arms.

"I don't like it when I wake up and you're not there," he said softly before dipping his head to brush the tip of his nose up my neck. His hands started moving up and down my back and he pressed a kiss to my jaw just below my ear. I fought to hang on to my anger, but it was so hard when he was there - and shirtless. "I'm sorry." He skimmed his lips over my skin until he got to the corner of my mouth. He pressed his lips to mine, but I remained stubborn and didn't respond. I turned my head away and tried to step out of his grasp, but he held firm.

"Edward, it's fine. May I go take a shower now?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Nope." He placed a trail of kisses from just below my ear to my collarbone. I couldn't help relaxing a bit in his arms, and I placed my hands on his chest.

"Edward, please tell me what's wrong. First it was your nightmare, now you're acting strangely." _Yeah, Bella. You really have a right to ask him to tell you what's wrong. You've been _so_ honest with him. _

He sighed, the hot rush of his breath against my neck making me shiver. Lifting his mouth from my skin, he let his head drop back and stared at the ceiling.

"Bella, I told you. It's nothing. You won't tell me what your nightmares are about, so why are you so interested in mine?" he asked exasperatedly. "They're just dreams." I bit my lip and focused on my hands. _Could I trust him?_

"If I told you, would you tell me?" My voice was barely more than a whisper. I saw his Adam's apple work as he swallowed before clearing his throat.

"I can't really remember it, Bella. If I could, I'd tell you," he said. He wouldn't look me in the eye. _Why would he lie about this? What is he hiding?_ Of course, I of all people had no business questioning why people kept secrets. Maybe he was just embarrassed. I knew men didn't want to appear weak. Maybe I was trying to overanalyze this whole situation. It was so Goddamn frustrating.

_The solution to that is waiting just downstairs…_

Oh God, I wanted it. Just one drink would make all of this so much better. _Just one…_

I stepped back once more; he let me go this time. I stared at the front door as I walked to the bedroom, feeling the pull of the bar downstairs. I walked quickly to the master bathroom and slammed the door, forcefully turning the knob for the hot water. I stripped off my pajamas as the water heated and steam began to fill the room.

I stepped into the hot spray, closing my eyes as the water soothed my tense muscles. Turning my face to the water, I let it pelt my face and hoped it might wash away the uneasy thoughts I was having. I heard the door open and turned to see Edward standing just beyond the textured glass. I watched as he slid his jeans off his hips and stepped out of them, opening the door and stepping into the humid space. He said nothing, just stepped forward and wrapped me in his arms. We stood together under the water and I laid my head on his chest.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have snapped at you." His voice seemed loud in the small space, more resonant somehow. His hand stroked a path up and down the length of my back. I looked up at him, his face a study in soft colors through the mist. His cheeks were flushed from the heat of the shower and his lips were slightly darker. His eyes were bright, standing out against the soft focus of the rest of him, framed by the dark hair plastered to his forehead. His eyes were such an unusual color, one I'd never seen before, one I knew I'd never forget. I could see the darker flecks of forest green around his pupils and I marveled again at how beautiful they were.

I still hadn't responded, but he didn't seem to mind. He slowly lowered his head to mine, keeping his eyes trained on me, as if asking for permission. I didn't turn my head this time. Maybe I was just being paranoid. If I couldn't trust Edward, then I couldn't trust anyone.

*****

"So when do I get to meet your wife?" I asked, leaning forward and planting my elbows on the small table. To my surprise, Jake and I had become friends in the last couple of weeks. It became habit to join him and a few others after the meeting for coffee. A few times a week, we would meet in the little coffee shop across the street from the church. Sometimes, Alice joined us. This time, however, it was just Jake and I. My sponsor, Stephenie, had to get home early to relieve the babysitter tonight, and the others had prior commitments.

"As soon as I get to meet your guy," he said with a knowing twinkle in his eye. I didn't like to speak about my personal life with anyone at AA, but it was hard not to talk about Edward, especially when we weren't talking about the program. He was a huge part of my life.

I knew they advised working on one step at a time, but it seemed to work better for me if I just jumped right in and tried to practice all twelve steps. Jake was against this and often made his views known. He said it was too overwhelming; I should master each step before going on to the next. For me, it was a matter of immersing myself in my recovery. It was all or nothing, just as it had been with my addiction.

Just as it was with Edward. I depended on him. He made me happy. For all the times I wished I had a drink, there were two more that made me wish for him.

It wasn't easy. Two days ago I'd nearly succumbed to the urges. I'd been journaling ever since the morning in Edward's office, and I was also working on passages that I eventually wanted to turn into a novel. But that afternoon, nothing would come. Not the journal entry, nor anything I could use for the book. I'd found myself sitting in my truck in front of a package liquor store, wanting so badly to go in. I was clutching the door handle, ready to pull it open, when my phone rang. _Edward_.

*****

"_Just stay put, Bella, please. I'll be right there, okay?" he said._

"_I'll just drive home on my own," I said, still staring at the front door of the liquor store. Relief was so close, I could taste it…_

"_I'm already on my way. Let me come get you. Just leave the phone on speaker, Baby. You don't have to talk; I'll just keep talking to you. I'm about five minutes away." He sounded so worried. I felt terrible that my weaknesses caused him pain. I was such a piece of shit and I didn't deserve him._

"_I think I can sit here for five minutes," I said. I didn't know if it was a lie. I really wasn't sure. I shut my eyes for a second and took a deep breath. _

"_You can do it, Bella. I'm almost there…" I listened as he kept speaking, and I felt a tiny bit better at the sound of his voice. Keeping my eyes anywhere but the store in front of me, I grabbed my bag out of the passenger seat, frantically digging through it until I grasped cool metal. I pulled out his watch and slipped it on, staring at it as I listened to his voice in the background. A few minutes later, he appeared at the door of the truck and yanked it open. "Come on, let's go home," he said, helping me out of the truck. _

"_I'm sorry, Edward," I said, my voice cracking. Tears burned my eyes and I couldn't fight them back. Would this ever go away? He enveloped me in his arms and kissed the top of my head._

"_You didn't do anything, Bella. You fought it. Now we just go on from here." _

_I may have fought it this time, but I knew I would have gone inside if he hadn't called. I could have called Stephenie, I had her card in my bag, but I didn't. I had no idea what would happen the next time…_

*****

"Hello? Bella? Anyone home?" Jake laughed, waving his hand in front of my face. I blinked quickly and smiled.

"Sorry, Jake. Just thinking." We continued talking for a few more minutes. He walked me to my truck when we were finished.

"Wait! I have something for you," he said as I started to hop into the truck. I turned around and watched him pull a little gold box out of his messenger bag.

"Your wife is going to be awfully pissed if you're giving me jewelry," I said dryly. "And Edward will probably beat you within an inch of your life." Jake snorted, rolling his eyes.

"I don't think this qualifies as 'jewelry,' _per se_. Open it; you'll see what I mean."

I pulled the tiny lid off the box and studied the round, silver object nestled on a bed of cotton.

"It's a two-week medallion. Congratulations on two weeks of sobriety, Bella," he said sincerely.

"Thank you, Jake. It's wonderful," I said. "Thank you for thinking of me." I hugged him awkwardly, patting him on the back, when I heard Edward's voice.

"Bella." I spun around to see him, happiness surging through my veins at the sight of him leaning against his Volvo in his old leather jacket. I couldn't help the stupid grin that formed on my lips.

"Hi, Edward," I said, walking quickly to where he stood and slinging my arms around his neck. "What are you doing here?" I pulled back to see his face, but he was looking at Jake, and he didn't look very happy. He finally looked down at me and his expression didn't soften much. "What?"

"I thought some woman named Stephenie was your sponsor," he said, the crease between his brows deepening as he looked at me.

"She is. She couldn't make it because her babysitter needed to be home early." I turned, indicating Jake where he stood near my truck. "This is Jake. He usually leads the meetings," I said, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling Edward's strange mood was giving me.

Jake came over to where we stood and Edward pulled me into his side, his hand resting proprietarily on my hip. _Was he jealous?_

"You must be Edward," Jake said, sticking out his hand. "Jake Black. It's nice to meet you."

"Edward Cullen." He shook Jake's hand. "Nice to meet you, too." I stood there, observing the male posturing. Why didn't Edward just piss all over my leg and get it over with? It would have sent out just about the same signals.

"Bella's talked a lot about you." I gave Jake a grateful look; I appreciated his attempt to smooth any ruffled male feathers. Edward seemed to relax slightly.

"I tell them all sorts of awful things about you," I offered, smirking up at him. He finally smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. I could tell we needed to have a discussion about this when we got home, and it wasn't something I was looking forward to. How could he think I was interested in anyone else? I'd fought myself so hard to stay away from Edward in the beginning. I didn't want anyone else.

"She does. I hear you have quite the music collection," Jake said, laughing. Edward rolled his eyes.

"For the last time, Bella, I do not have OCD," he sighed.

"Okay, Edward," I said patronizingly, but I nodded my head at Jake at the same time.

"I'm going to get out of here. Leah will be wondering where I am if I don't get home soon. I'll see you tomorrow, Bella. Again, it's nice to meet you, Edward." Edward and I both waved and Jake turned, walking to his car. Edward watched him intently as the car pulled out of the lot.

"Edward, what are you doing here? Not that I'm not happy to see you, but you knew I was staying later tonight." He hesitated, looking as if he was searching for the right words. He looked at the ground before speaking.

"I thought you only had coffee with your sponsor," he said curtly.

"I usually do," I answered. "Jake and a few others are usually there too. No one else could make it tonight." I was starting to get angry with his questioning.

"So why didn't you just come home? You were gone longer than usual. I missed you."

"I don't know. It's become routine," I said. "I didn't think it would upset you."

"That didn't upset me, Bella. I saw him giving you something, and then you hugged him, and I…" he swallowed hard and sighed before continuing. "I didn't like it."

I put my hand on his arm, smiling. "Do you want to see what it is?" I asked. He nodded. "It's a two-week sobriety medallion." I handed him the box. "Open it."

He pulled out the little silver coin and laughed once, flipping it over in his hand. He ran his other hand through his hair in the nervous gesture I adored. He still wasn't completely relaxed, and that worried me.

"Is that all, Edward? You came over here because you missed me? It seems like something else is wrong."

"I was worried about you, okay? After what happened the other day, I was afraid." He sighed and an unsure expression flitted across his face. He opened his mouth to speak again several times, but he never said anything more.

"What, Edward? Just tell me!" I was getting more and more uncomfortable with each passing second. _What if he thinks it's too much? Has he finally realized I'm not worth it and he can't find the way to tell me?_

"I was here last night, too." He spoke so quietly I almost didn't hear the words. I wished I _hadn't_ heard them, to be honest.

"So you're spying on me," I said flatly. "Why didn't you just come out and talk to me about this?"

"I didn't want you to think that I don't trust you," he said, reaching for my hand. I shoved both hands into my pockets.

"And what do you think _this_ tells me?" I asked, unable to keep the growing ire out of my voice. I wasn't just pissed at him, I was pissed at myself. Here I was, expecting honesty from him, when I couldn't even return the favor. Although, after this little development, I wasn't exactly bursting to tell him my secrets. He was keeping things from me, and it hurt. I was such a hypocrite.

"I'm worried about you!" he said vehemently, looking around to make sure we weren't causing a scene.

"You already said that," I snapped. I was getting angrier by the second. Part of me knew I was being a little irrational about this, that Edward meant well, but it was outweighed by the part of me that needed to yell and scream and maybe break something. _Was I just looking for a reason to cause a fight? _I didn't know, but I needed to be angry. I needed to feel anything but this disappointment in Edward, and in myself.

"That doesn't make it any less true!" He stepped closer and I backed away.

"So what are you worried about? That I'll start drinking again, or that I'm fucking Jake?" He flinched as I spoke, but I kept going. "He's _married_, by the way. He has a wife and son!" My voice rose and the rational part of me grew more and more detached with each word. It was like I was watching myself fly out of control, and there was really nothing I could do to stop it. "How flattering that you think so little of me, Edward." I turned and began walking to my truck before this could escalate any further. I needed a break. Some time to think.

"Wait, Bella! Where are you going? I don't want to fight with you…" He sounded so weary, which made me sad, but I was still riding the inexplicable, irrational anger. He gripped my elbow and I whipped around.

"You should have thought of that before you spied on me, Edward," I shot back, yanking my elbow out of his grasp. "You know what?" I paused, breathing hard, knowing that what would come out of my mouth next was going to be bad, but I couldn't control it. "If you're that convinced that I'm going to drink, then why don't I just go ahead and make this easy for you? Maybe I'll get lucky and find some random guy to fuck while I'm drunk, and then you can be right on all counts!" I screamed, turning once again to stalk towards the truck. I heard the heavy footfalls of his boots behind me.

"Bella, don't trash your life because you're pissed at me!" he yelled. We were causing a full-fledged scene now, but there was no one around to watch, thank God. "And no, I didn't think you were _fucking_ Jake, but I think I'm within reason to be worried you'll relapse." I clenched my teeth and stood at the truck, looking at the ground, taking deep breaths to try and calm myself. I was boiling, and the fact that he had the nerve to sound so _rational,_ when I wanted to explode, just made it worse. He reached out with one hand to touch my cheek, and I let him, but gave no outward sign of acknowledgement. I shut my eyes to block him out. "Bella, please look at me."

I ignored him and yanked the door open with a loud creak. I pulled away from him and got in, tossing my bag into the passenger seat. He stepped in the way of the door so I couldn't shut it. I looked up at him with sullen eyes, because I didn't want to speak for fear of breaking.

He thrust the medallion at me. "Don't you want this? You should really take it if you're going to throw away your two weeks of sobriety," he said, a hard edge to his voice. "Maybe this will make you think twice, even if I can't." I knocked his hand away as hard as I could, the coin flying to the ground and hitting the pavement with a metallic clink. He grabbed my wrist and leaned into the truck. "Bella, don't _do_ this."

"Why do you care, Edward? You think I'm so weak and such a slut that I'll sleep with anyone who gives me a little attention. You don't have any faith in me. Why should I try to be any different than what you think?" I laced my voice with as much venom as I could.

"I've _never_ thought that. _Never_. Yes, I was jealous of Jake, all right? He has something in common with you that I can't even begin to touch. It was a knee-jerk reaction!" He suddenly brought both hands to my face, forcing me to look directly in his eyes. We were nearly nose to nose, and I couldn't look away. I didn't know if I wanted to look away. _Oh, God, why did I have to act this way? Why couldn't I just be normal?_

"Bella, I'm falling in love with you," he whispered. "Please don't do this." I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears that threatened to well up at his words.

_Why did he have to go and say it?_ I knew how he felt, but as long as he didn't voice it I could ignore it. While I think I felt the same about him, I wasn't good enough. I wasn't normal, and I never would be. I could never be a wife and mother; I would always be the drunk that someone had to watch out for. The family member that everyone whispered about and not-so-secretly pitied. I needed to spare him the pain and make a clean break. It would be better for him that way. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him.

"You can't love me," I said, trying to make my voice as emotionless as possible. "Get out." I jerked my head out of his hands and threw my shoulder into his chest. He didn't budge. I hated being weak. Physically, emotionally, it didn't matter; I was weak on all fronts. I couldn't control the unnatural urges for alcohol, and I could never hope to overcome Edward in physical strength.

"Dammit, Bella! Don't tell me what I feel!" he said forcefully. "I think you're it for me! Don't fucking throw this away!"

"Don't waste your time, Edward. You'll be much better off without me." I bit the inside of my cheek to stave off any sign of emotion. The truck started with a rumble as I cranked the ignition. I double pumped the clutch and hit the gas, hoping the moving car would spur Edward to move out of the way. He stumbled backwards and I slammed the door, driving away as fast as I could, leaving the medallion and my love in the parking lot. It was fitting. _I didn't deserve either one._

*****

Twenty minutes later I sat in a trendy bar in downtown Seattle, the familiar setup in front of me. The absinthe spoon rested squarely on top of the wide glass and the sugar cube was positioned perfectly over the holes. The little carafe of iced water sat directly to the side. I sat back against the leather backed booth, my arms crossed, staring at the glass in front of me. It was equally my salvation and my downfall. I could taste the bitter sweetness, the licorice essence of the absinthe; I could feel the euphoria of the absinthe intoxication.

With trembling fingers, I picked up the water and trickled it over the sugar cube and watched the drops hit the bright, clear green of the absinthe. The color that reminded me of the lightest flecks of green in Edward's eyes.

As I watched the water ripple the surface of the liquor and slowly spread outward, I was reminded of the first night I met him. That night, the spreading cloudiness of La Louche made me think of the cloudiness of my soul, the thickening wall that separated me from the rest of the world. Tonight, it reminded me of my feelings for Edward and how they'd begun at the surface. How those feelings had coated my skin and seeped inside, until they were interwoven with every part of me.

It didn't matter now. I'd ruined it, just like everything else I came in contact with.

The glass was opaque and shone with the slightest hint of green; I picked up the glass and inhaled through my nose, registering the astringent burn of the alcohol and the sweet tang of licorice. Excitement and trepidation battled in my gut. My brain told me to run as far away as I could get, as fast as I could. My body craved it. It was so close… my muscles screamed for the relaxation it would bring, my mouth watering at the aroma that perfumed the air, as the essential oils in the absinthe were amplified by the water.

I took a deep breath and parted my lips, setting the rim of the glass to my mouth.

*****

**A/N: Oooh, that song title fooled you guys, didn't it? Do you hate me? Come on, you all knew things just couldn't go smoothly with these two. **

**So let me know what you thought. You all know I love reviews by now.**

**Now for a fic rec while I pound out the next chapter:**

**Before Her Last Breath **by** PerfectlyPersuasive**

_When they move back to Forks, Edward decides to follow in Carlisle's footsteps and become a doctor. As he becomes more and more frustrated with his monotonous life, Bella is admitted with a serious illness. Will he be able to resist? AU/EPOV_

It's AU, vamp Edward. She does a really wonderful EPOV. It really captures the essence of the loneliness he experienced in the years before he met Bella. If you're an EPOV lover, you'll like this.

http://www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/s/5044318/1/Before_Her_Last_Breath

**Nominations are open for the Summer Bellies. Go nominate your favorite fics!**

http://www(dot)thecatt(dot)


	12. Chapter 12: Nightmare

_A/N: There's a bit of overlap here, but I thought you might like to see some of the last chapter from EPOV._

_This chapter contains a scene of violence, so if you prefer, skip the section in italics._

_Thank you, betas Isabella303/Shelly and Stavanger1 for helping me straighten all this out in my head._

* * *

"**The Pretender" – Foo Fighters**

_Keep you in the dark_

_You know they all pretend_

_Keep you in the dark_

_And so it all began_

_Send in your skeletons_

_Sing as their bones go marching in again_

_They need you buried deep_

_The secrets that you keep are ever ready_

_Are you ready?_

…_What if I say I'm not like the others?_

_What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?_

_You're the pretender_

_What if I say that I will never surrender?_

* * *

**CHAPTER 12**

**EPOV**

"Bella, I'm falling in love with you." I held her face as gently as I could while still forcing her to look at me. "Please don't do this." She shut her eyes and I knew I was losing her. I shouldn't have said it; hell, it wasn't even the complete truth. Instead, I'd gone for the watered-down version of my feelings, and it was _still_ too much for her. _Why do I have to keep fucking things up for us?_

"You can't love me," she said quietly, her voice cool and calm. It infuriated me. _How can she sit there and tell me what I fucking feel?_ "Get out." She tried to push me out of the way with her shoulder, but I stood firm. I wasn't giving up on this. I wasn't giving up on _her_, even if she was trying to give up on herself.

"Dammit, Bella! Don't tell me what I feel!" I said, letting some of my anger and pain seep into my voice. _I have to make her understand_. "I think you're it for me! Don't fucking throw this away!" I'd never felt such fear. My heart was pounding and my ears rang. I frantically searched for the right thing to say, the one thing that would keep her here with me, but I came up empty.

"Don't waste your time, Edward. You'll be much better off without me." Her voice was still cold and emotionless, but when she finally opened her eyes, I saw my pain and fear reflected in the brown depths. The truck rumbled to life as she turned the key and pumped the clutch. I had only a second's warning before she stomped on the gas and the truck shot forward. I staggered backwards out of the way and she sped off, slamming the door as she peeled out of the parking lot.

It took me a second to shake off the shock of what had just happened. _Oh, God. Shit, shit, SHIT! _I raced back to the car, fumbling for the keys, before I realized her medallion still lay on the asphalt across the lot. All I could think was that she might still want it. I had to get it for her. I snagged it off the ground and ran back to the Volvo, hitting the keyless entry and jumping inside.

I'd fucked up royally. Again. I felt my eyes begin to sting, but I pushed back the feeling. I wasn't going to sit here and let it swallow me. I was going to find her and we were going to fix this. She was _mine_, dammit! I was fucking _hers_, and I wasn't going to let her just throw us away. I didn't care if she drank; we'd just start over from the beginning, as many times as it took. I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed Alice and Jasper.

"Hello?"

"Alice, I need your help," I said quickly, trying to reign in my fear.

"Who is this?"

"It's Edward. Bella's in trouble." I fought with every breath in me not to snap at her. I wanted her to read my mind; I didn't want to have to explain the situation! Every second we wasted was another second we lost trying to find her.

"What? What happened? She didn't take a drink, did she?" Alice asked, her voice escalating in pitch with each word.

"She ran, Alice! I saw her after the meeting, and we had a fight. She left, and I don't know where she went!" I couldn't keep the despair and worry out of my voice. "I'm afraid she's going to get drunk."

"You fought? Why? What did she do, Edward?" she asked, her voice urgent with fear. I was sad that she automatically thought to blame Bella, but I was thankful she had a friend like Alice, who was so willing to help. I needed all the help I could get tonight, because I knew who had caused this.

I had, with my lack of trust. I swore right then that if I could just find her; I'd spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to her.

_What about the lie you told her? How are you going to deal with that one?_

I ignored the snide voice inside my head. I had to get her back. That's all that mattered at this point. I'd deal with our other issues once I had her back in my life and safe.

"That doesn't matter right now, Alice! I need to know where she might have gone!" I shouted into the phone.

"Edward, calm down." I could tell she was making an effort to be calm.

"Alice, you have to help me," I pleaded brokenly. "She's going to drink. Please. Help me look for her."

"Okay, Edward," she soothed. "Take a deep breath and calm down. We'll find her. Jasper and I will help. This is what we're going to do…"

* * *

I peeled out of the parking lot of the first place I checked, the list of bars Bella used to frequent crumpled in my hand as I clutched the steering wheel. This place had been a bust. I'd ignored all the curious stares as I waded my way through the crowd, looking for the familiar fall of shiny brown waves. A few women had attempted to talk to me, and I'd barely been able to keep from screaming at them to leave me the fuck alone. Couldn't they tell I was taken? Bella had branded me from the inside out; her mark was all over me.

How dare they think they could even compare to Bella, my love, and the muted light that shone within her. The light that could burn so brightly, if only she'd let everyone see it. I saw it, and I loved it. It was _beautiful_ and I wouldn't let her douse it.

I didn't care if she drank. I wouldn't hold it against her. I cursed myself all over again when I thought of how I'd handled the past few days. She thought I didn't trust her. Okay, so maybe I didn't, when it came to drinking, but that didn't mean I didn't love her and wouldn't support her. I was just trying to protect her, keep her safe. I'd rather she get drunk when I was around. At least then I could be there to make sure she was okay.

The second place on the list was a jazz club with low ceilings and a dark, smoky atmosphere. The lone saxophone sang soulfully as I entered, the spotlight on the stage providing the only decent source of light in the bar. I scanned every table, searching for her petite frame, but I could tell she wasn't there after a few moments. I couldn't _feel_ her there. I checked with the bartender just to make sure, asking if he'd seen a small brunette who drank absinthe. He hadn't. I left with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Would she ever speak to me again? Would I even find her?

I stalked out of the bar and searched for the next destination on the GPS. I hoped Alice and Jasper were having better luck with the places on their respective lists.

"FUCK!" I shouted to the empty car as I sat through a red light, my frustration so intense I nearly couldn't handle it. _Why the hell did I do this? I fucked everything up!_ I smacked my hand against the steering wheel, the dull pain in my palm helping to ground me. I drew deep breaths in through my nose and blew them out through my lips, using an old focusing technique I'd learned about when my mother was in her Yoga phase. Usually, it worked.

I wasn't having much success tonight.

I knew I was driving recklessly as I whipped around corners and floored the accelerator at each light, but all I could think of was Bella and finding her as soon as possible. All I could see was the expression on her face when she sped away and the tail lights on her truck as she disappeared around the corner.

When I screeched to a stop in front of the third place on my list, I noticed the condition of the neighborhood. The deterioration of the district was evident. Empty plastic bottles and old newspapers littered the street; I spotted an old syringe as I passed a storm drain cut into the pavement. A shiver ran down my spine as I thought of Bella in this neighborhood alone. If I found her here, she was coming out of this building over my fucking shoulder.

The bouncer gave me no trouble as I rushed through the open door. It was hot and humid inside the dark, dismal space; the sour smell of stale alcohol and cigarettes permeating the air. There were fewer people here, and those I saw… I hated to think of Bella in the same room as these people. There was no hope here. Their eyes were flat and filled with the knowledge that every day from now on would contain the same monotonous shit as the one before. For them, there was no hope for the future unless it was spent in utter oblivion. Like Bella's eyes the night I'd met her. I stood at the bar and waited impatiently for the bartender to acknowledge me. He came over and slapped a cheap cocktail napkin down in front of me.

"Whaddya want?" he slurred. He sounded like he'd been dipping into the sauce himself.

"I'm looking for someone. She's brunette, about five foot four. Drinks absinthe."

"You some kind of cop?" he asked, sneering. "I don't fuckin' talk to cops."

"No, she's my girlfriend." I tried to keep the contempt out of my voice. I didn't want to alienate the bastard before he gave me any info he might have.

"I ain't seen nobody that looks like that. Ain't served no absinthe tonight either."

"You're sure?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm fuckin' sure, now order somethin' or get the hell outta here." _Fucker_. I was sick at the thought of Bella in this place. She was better than this. I quickly left the bar and walked toward the Volvo.

_She's really not, though, is she?_ _She has just as much of a problem as the people in this shithole_, I thought to myself.

The difference is she has _me_.

Fat lot of good I'd done her tonight. But, _fuck_, I didn't think what I'd done was that bad. Was this just another attempt to push me away? I got that I shouldn't have been checking up on her like that, but at least I'd admitted it.

Fuck it. I'd done it, and now I had to deal with it. I just wanted to find her; I could deal with the rest later.

I sank into the car, trying not to feel more discouraged with every passing minute. The clock on the dash told me we'd been looking for her for almost two hours. Plenty of time for her to drink. My phone buzzed in my pocket, startling me. I yanked it out and felt a measure of hope when I saw Alice's name on the screen.

"Did you find her?" I couldn't even bother with a "hello." _Please, God, let her have Bella…_

"I found her," she said. Relief washed through me and I slumped back in the seat, sending up a silent prayer that Bella was safe.

"Is she okay? Are you bringing her to my place or should I meet you at hers?" I stuck the key fob into the dash and pressed the button, the car purring to life. I pulled into traffic and made an illegal U-turn, speeding back to the more desirable part of town we both lived in.

"We're at my place, Edward." Something about her voice wasn't right.

"Why?" I asked. "Never mind; it doesn't matter. I'll come to you. Wait a minute, Alice. You never answered me. Is she okay?" _Oh, God… she's drunk_. I forced back the anger that tried to bubble up at the thought. She didn't need my anger, she needed my help.

"She's not doing well-"

"I'll be right there. Give me ten minutes," I interrupted, pushing the car as fast as I dared in the downtown Seattle streets.

"Edward… she doesn't want to see you. I'm so sorry."

* * *

**BPOV**

Chills swept through my body the instant the absinthe passed my lips. I choked at the burn of the first sip, but the euphoria that followed encouraged me to take another… and yet another. Soon, the entire glass was gone and I was signaling the cocktail waitress for another.

Fire burned in my belly as I leaned back in the booth and shut my eyes as I waited. I saw Edward's face as I left him behind, the hurt and the fear… the betrayal… the love.

Even though I was still angry at his actions, I loved him.

I always ended up hurting those I loved. I hurt my father because I looked just like my mother. He couldn't stand to look at me. I hurt Alice because I drank and couldn't stop. I couldn't be the best friend she wanted. My mother was _dead _because I didn't listen when James told me to stay out of that room.

Now, I was hurting Edward. He was having nightmares and there were times he just couldn't hide his uneasiness from me. I was taking his peace from him… sucking the life from his carefree demeanor. It was time to let him go, before I did something that was irreparable. Any hope I had that I could be good enough for him had disappeared with that first sip.

The tears refused to go away, but I wouldn't give in to the urge to cry. I watched through blurry eyes as I prepared the next glass, feeling strangely removed from the entire process. I couldn't even take comfort in the familiar ritual. I blinked, sending the tears that welled in my eyes sliding in hot tracks down my cheeks. I wiped them away, but that didn't stop them from coming.

I tossed the second drink back quickly, not even bothering to sip. I had another, and another, until I couldn't remember the exact number I'd consumed. The waitress removed each empty glass as she brought me a fresh drink, and I had no way of counting once I'd become completely intoxicated.

I dug in my bag for some cash. My fingertips brushed the smooth metal of Edward's watch. I froze for a second, my eyes burning, before locating a wad of bills. I shoved them at her, hoping it was enough to cover my tab and a decent tip. She took my empty glass and the money, leaving with a quiet "Thank you."

The tears continued to come slowly; I pulled my feet up to the bench and hugged my knees, resting my forehead on top of them. Memories of Edward played behind my eyelids as I sat there, waiting for the alcohol to numb them away. My fingers and toes tingled slightly as the warmth swelled in my body, fanning outward from my belly.

I couldn't stop thinking about him. I could feel the softness of his hair beneath my fingertips; see the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he gave me my favorite crooked grin. I saw his face relaxed in slumber and felt how tightly he held me at night before we fell asleep. The tears came quickly now, but still I didn't sob. If I gave in to the urge to truly cry, I'd never come back from the grief. I was doing this for him. He was the one that mattered, and he was better off without me weighing him down.

I was nothing.

The padded bench sank slightly as someone scooted into the booth with me. The weight seemed too insignificant to be the one person I wanted to see.

_You have to stop thinking like that, Bella. Quit being selfish. You ran away from _him_, remember? You're not good for him. You can't have him._

A small, warm hand rested on my shoulder, squeezing softly.

"Oh, Bella…" Alice sighed. I looked up and let her see my face, let her see the smeared make-up and tear tracks that crossed my cheeks. My eyes flicked back and forth between my best friend and the empty liquor glass on the table and this time, I couldn't hold back the sob that seized my throat. She wrapped her arms around me and I leaned into her, unable to bear the guilt without some sort of human contact. "Bella, let's go, okay?" she asked softly.

I nodded against her shoulder and she let go of me long enough to get out of the booth. I followed close behind and she grabbed my hand as I teetered next to the table.

"Do we need to pay?" Her eyes were so sympathetic, so caring, and I felt a new wave of guilt assault me. I knew I'd have to pull away from Alice again, as well. She didn't deserve such a shitty, fucked-up friend, but I couldn't do it right now. I needed _someone_ to help me through the pain giving _him_ up would cause. I shook my head and she squeezed my hand, leading me out into the damp, chilly spring night. I stayed close to her as we walked to the car, dragging my feet and stubbing my toes.

"I'll take you to Edward's place," she said, pulling out into traffic.

"No!" I said loudly, my voice breaking. Softer, I said, "I can't go there… I don't want to see him right now." It broke my heart to say it, because I wanted nothing more in this world but to be held by him as I cried. I looked down at my hands, clenched into fists in my lap, white-knuckled and tense.

"Then I'll take you to your apartment." Her voice was soft, soothing. She knew I was on the very edge.

I shook my head. "He has a key," I whispered.

"Bella, are you sure you don't want to see him?" she asked gently. "He was so upset when he called Jazz and I to help look for you."

"I can't see him, Alice," I answered thickly, fresh tears streaming down my cheeks. "No matter how much I want to." I let my head thump against the headrest and the tears tracked hot paths across my temples and trickled into my hair, tickling my scalp.

"Okay, hon. We'll go to my place." There was that soothing voice… it reminded me of my mother, and a fresh wave of agony swept through me. I was falling apart.

I curled myself into a tight ball and concentrated on holding myself together for the rest of the drive. I followed blindly as Alice led me up to the apartment she shared with Jasper.

I refused to meet Jasper's gaze as Alice led me into their home; but his presence alone, the fact he knew Edward, was enough to make me sick to my stomach with guilt and embarrassment. I rushed to the bathroom and sank to my knees in front of the toilet, purging the contents of my stomach. I felt like my soul was being ripped from my body, and maybe it was. Edward had become such a part of me, and knowing I was giving him up was almost worse than that night in Phoenix.

Sweat prickled my brow and my cheeks and scalp tingled, but I was icy cold and shivering. I rested my forehead against the cold porcelain and sobbed when I finished, lacking the strength to move. I heard the low murmur of voices outside the bathroom door and I knew they were talking about me. A fresh wave of mortification pummeled me and I gagged again.

The door opened and shut with a soft click and then Alice was kneeling next to me, stroking my hair and crooning soft, sympathetic words as I heaved, feeling all the more miserable because there was nothing left in my stomach.

When I was finished she helped guide me to the sink, where I rinsed out my mouth and splashed water on my clammy face. When she towed me to her guest room and turned down the sheets, I let her strip me down to my underwear and put me into bed like I was a child. I remained mute. If I spoke, I had no doubt I would break into a million pieces.

"We'll talk in the morning, okay?" I listened hard for any disappointment or disdain in her voice, yet heard none. I didn't deserve such kind treatment. It only made me feel worse.

She helped me crawl into bed and tucked the covers around me as I stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling of the room spinning around me. I didn't see the white textured plaster; I saw every happy moment I'd spent with Edward. I wanted to immerse myself in memories of us together one last time, before I had to lock them away.

* * *

_My eyes snapped open as I sucked in a huge breath of air, my breathing coming in deep, ragged gasps. My heartbeat pounded in my skull and the pace was so fast it felt like my heart might explode. My ears rang and my lips were sore; I ran my tongue around my teeth, feeling the ragged skin on the inside of my mouth and tasting the coppery tang of blood._

_Voices broke through the ringing in my ears. I couldn't process the words at first, but I recognized those voices. Glass shattered and someone grunted in pain._

_Oh, God. _

_I nearly choked on a sob as I remembered why I was lying here. The darkroom. James catching me and pressing his hand over my nose and mouth so hard that my mouth bled. Blackness closing in from the edges of my vision as my lungs felt like they would explode._

_The voices became clearer and I turned my head to the side, eyes still closed, somehow managing to hold back the scream building in my throat._

"… _my daughter!" Renee screamed._

"_The little bitch should have stayed out of the darkroom!" he roared, breathing heavily. There was pain in his voice, and it gave me hope that we might actually get out of this alive._

"_I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!" _

_I finally opened my eyes. James had his back turned to me as Renee wielded a broken ceramic statue with both hands, swinging it wildly at him. She saw me and immediately began screaming obscenities at him, daring to get closer and swing faster as he fended off her blows. Blood ran from the corner of his eye and his hands were bloody. I would have enjoyed his pain if I wasn't so terrified._

"_You fucking PSYCHO! I WILL keep my daughter safe!" she shrieked. She caught my eye once again as I began to move, miraculously managing to stand, crouched over, without making a sound. Blood dripped into my eye and I swiped it away with the back of my hand. My head throbbed, but the pain only served to help center me. "I will keep her SAFE!" she screamed again and again. Why did she keep repeating it?_

_Safe… _

_She meant the gun safe. I crept toward the stairs as silently and as fast as I could, knowing our lives depended on my silence. _Please, God help me…

"_You're both dead, bitch. I was gonna keep you around, but now you've just pissed me off!" he bellowed. I heard a dull smack and he grunted again, and I knew she'd made contact again. _Keep it up, Mom; I'll be right there_… _

_I hit the top of the stairs and ran clumsily to the master bedroom, dragging my hand along the wall for support, leaving a bloody trail behind me. The gun safe was in the back of the walk-in closet. A humorless smile flitted across my face as I thought about shooting James with his own gun. He'd given Renee the combination, since he was out of town so much; she had given it to me for emergencies only recently, in case something happened when I was home alone. I fell to my knees in front of the safe and punched in the numbers rapidly. I yanked hard on the door._

"_Come on!" I growled through clenched teeth when it didn't budge. I took a deep breath and tried once more, being more careful this time. I sighed in relief when the door swung open and I yanked the gun out, thanking God it was kept loaded._

_I knew how to operate a gun thanks to my father. It never occurred to me that I'd have to actually use the skills I'd learned from our yearly visits to the shooting range. Not this way. I unlocked the gun and released the safety, rushing out of the closet._

_I suddenly realized I couldn't hear Renee screaming any more._

_I bounded down the stairs, not caring if I made noise since I had the gun. I quickly scanned the room, my eyes only registering the open sliding glass door at first. _Maybe she lured him outside?_ Then I heard his sick laughter and saw him looming over my mother, his hands wrapped around her neck. Blood matted her hair; her eyes were open and huge in her mottled face. I made eye contact as an animalistic sound of fury and pain escaped from my throat. I saw the light go out of her eyes._

Did I just see my mother die? _Crackling white noise filled my ears as absolute terror and pure rage shot through my veins._

"_MOM! NO!" I shouted. James laughed louder at my pain as I stood there, frozen. He rose to his feet and took a step towards me. He wasn't even in a hurry to reach me. He was enjoying this._

"_Your turn," he said in a sing-song voice. I wanted to vomit. His words shook me out of my stupor and I raised the gun with both hands, trying valiantly to curb my trembling hands. "You won't do it," he taunted in a soft voice, the sickening grin on his face growing wider. "You can't save Mommy now anyway." He took another step._

_I pulled the trigger twice and watched as blood bloomed across his chest, oily and dark. He staggered back a step and fell backwards, lying next to my mother. He was still moving as I came closer. He looked at me in disbelief and anger, both hands clutching the hole in his chest. _

"_I can't believe you had the guts to do it," he choked out. Then he smiled that sinister smile once again. "Now you're a killer, just like me. We're the same, you and I."_

"_We are _not _the same! We will _never_ be the same!" Surely my throat was bleeding, I screamed so loud. I pulled the trigger again, and again, until the chamber was empty. I continued pulling the trigger for a moment, listening to the empty clicks. I stumbled around his body and stared down at them. __My breathing was loud in my ears, rushing in and out in an uneven rhythm._

_Thick smears of blood shone black in the moonlight, marring the perfection of the beige tile floor. I could feel the desert breeze from the open door against the side of my face, cooling the trickle of blood that still leaked from my temple. I raised my hand to touch the wound, probing gently and hissing at the sting. __I fell to my knees next to the still form before me, tears streaming down my face, not caring that I knelt in the cooling blood that pooled on the floor. I was already dirty, and I knew I'd be stained forever._

* * *

**EPOV**

"What? No, Alice, you can't do that to me!" I shouted into the phone, past the point of caring if I sounded sane. I was already halfway to her apartment; there was no way in fucking hell I wasn't going to see Bella tonight.

"She told me she didn't want to see you. I put her in bed… Edward, she drank," she choked out. I could tell it affected her almost as badly as it affected me.

"Alice, please. Please let me see her. I promise if I upset her, I'll leave. Please." I had no intentions of leaving without Bella, but Alice didn't need to know that.

"I don't know, Edward. She was very adamant…"

"Just let me see her. I won't wake her; I promise," I begged. I just had to see her face and know she was okay. I pulled up in front of their apartment with a screech and raced out of the car. "I'm down in front right now. Buzz me in, Alice. _Please_."

She sighed. "I'll send Jasper down to get you. I'm only doing this because I know you're good for her, Edward. I hope you two can make it past this," she said.

"Alice, I promise you I'll do my best," I replied, shifting from foot to foot as I waited impatiently for Jasper. _She was the one. I'd do anything for her._ Right now, I just needed to know she was safe. I hung up the phone and shoved it in my pocket, raking my hand through my hair as the elevator doors opened. Jasper held the doors open as I rushed inside. "How is she, Jazz?"

"Not good. Edward… shit," he sighed. "I don't even fuckin' know what to say. She's in bad shape, and Ali's torn up. Bella might be too far gone for our help." I bristled at his words, because it sounded like he'd all but given up on her.

"Look, Jazz. I won't _let_ her be too far gone. Just let me deal with it, okay?"

We didn't speak for the rest of the ride up to their apartment. Alice met us at the door.

"Alice, thank you so much for letting me see her," I said, grabbing her hand and giving it a squeeze. She nodded and gave me a tight smile.

"She should be asleep," she said quietly, her face solemn and drawn. She gestured for me to follow her down the narrow hallway. She led me through a door at the end of the hall, swinging the door open and stepping to the side to allow me to pass.

The shaft of light from the hallway lit Bella's sleeping face; I couldn't help the way my breath hitched in my throat at the sight of her. I went quickly to the bed as Alice shut the door behind me. I sat down as gently as I could, reaching to softly stroke her cheek with trembling fingers.

Her cheeks were stained with tear tracks and the tip of her nose was red. She was curled on her side, wrapped tightly around herself. I toed off my shoes and climbed in behind her fully clothed, wrapping her in my arms. She was stiff at first, never moving except the soft rise and fall of her chest. Eventually, she melted into me and I buried my face in her hair. I was numb. She was safe and in my arms, but I couldn't feel much of anything besides relief. I shut my eyes and tried to relax, remaining awake, wondering if this would be the last time I'd get to hold her like this.

* * *

Hours later I jerked awake as she began to move around fitfully, flopping over onto her back. I propped myself up on my elbow and watched her, ready to wake her if it appeared she was having a full-fledged nightmare.

"Mom," she gasped on a dry sob, her entire body tensing as her brows knitted together. She jerked underneath my arm and the next time she spoke, it was quite clear. "We will _never_ be the same."

Her mouth opened on a quick intake of breath and her eyes snapped open and instantly connected with mine. Confusion clouded her gaze.

"Edward," she choked. "No, no, you can't be here too! I don't want him to hurt you." Her eyes filled with fresh tears as I watched her.

"No, love, we're at Alice's. No one's going to hurt us," I said, trying to make my voice as soft and comforting as possible. I brushed the hair off her forehead gently, a tiny flicker of hope building in my chest when she didn't shy away from my touch. I repeated the motion, slowly stroking her hair as she blinked away her tears.

She stiffened all of a sudden and looked up at me; whether she was remembering our fight or reliving her relapse, I wasn't sure. I watched her warily, still touching her soft, shiny hair and trying to brace myself for her rejection.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," she whispered, turning her body towards me, curling into my chest. I breathed a sigh of relief and touched my lips to her hair, curving around her small frame and pulling her tightly to me. My body reacted to her proximity, but I ignored my baser instincts. We spent too much time avoiding our problems that way.

"No, Bella. _I'm_ the one who's sorry," I said into her hair, my voice hoarse with the tightness in my throat. "I should have trusted you." She laughed once, but it sounded more like a sob.

"How can you say that after what I did?" she asked in a tiny voice, the sound almost buried in the fabric of my shirt.

"I feel like I pushed you too far. I shouldn't have followed you. It was a fucking dumb thing to do." _Goddamn it. How the fuck did I get myself into this situation?_ My logical side was telling me to cut my losses and get the fuck out of Dodge, but as unpleasant as this situation might be, being without her was worse. You didn't run out on people you loved, simple as that.

I laid my palm on her cheek and turned her face up to me. Her eyes remained stubbornly closed. I kissed each eyelid softly. "Baby, open your eyes." She complied slowly, the brown depths glassy with tears and maybe the residual effects of the alcohol. "We've both apologized. Can we forgive each other?" She nodded. I felt the tension slowly seep out of me and we leaned into each other even more. "We can talk about the rest in the morning, okay? You need more rest," I said, before pressing a very soft kiss to her lips and pulling back just as quickly. "Do you want me to leave?" I was afraid of her answer, but I didn't want her to think I wouldn't let her have the choice.

"I don't want you to, but maybe you should," she whispered. "We need to meet on neutral ground and talk."

_How can she be so calm and rational about this? _

I nodded and held her for just a moment longer, pressing my face to her neck, where her scent was strongest. I forced myself to let her go, and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. She turned to watch me silently as I got up to put on my shoes and straighten my wrinkled clothing.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. Call me when you're ready." The words left a bitter taste in my mouth, because they went against every instinct I had when it came to Bella. But I knew I had to show her I wanted to trust her, I had to show her I was making an effort. I kissed her forehead and left quickly, knowing I wouldn't be able to otherwise.

I was the sober one, but it seemed like I was the one having trouble thinking rationally. I wanted a concrete resolution, one that would leave me free of all these difficult decisions. I wanted a secure future, but it just wasn't possible at the moment, with the person I couldn't live without. For now, I'd take what I could get, until she was ready to offer me more.

* * *

_A/N: Thoughts? Relapse does happen. Sorry if it's upsetting, but at least she realized her mistake and they're going to work through it. _

_Thanks for the reviews, guys. I've been REALLY fail at replying to reviews for this one, but I read every one of them and really appreciate it that you're making the effort to let me know what you think. I'm trying to be better. _

_Oh, and since Twilighted is FAIL and I'm still locked out after changing my freaking email address - if you've got any questions, comments, dirty jokes or whatnot, PM me. _


	13. Chapter 13: Guilt

_I don't own __**Twilight**__._

_A/N: Thank you to my red pen sweethearts, Irebporti and Stavanger1. ILY._

_Isabella303/Shelly is my highlighter mistress and future NM watching partner. Thanks for all your help with the dialogue in this chapter. _

_This chapter is NSFW (yay, right?). Just a reminder, if you're under the legal age of consent, your mother might lock you in a convent for reading this. Turn back now!_

* * *

**Two songs for this chapter:**

**Bella:**

"Vampire" – People in Planes

_Who is the fly in your champagne?  
Who's got the body and who's got the brain?  
I'll take your blood and I'll kill my pain. _  
_You are the one that I desire; you are the dark, I'm the vampire..._

**Edward:**

"Guernica" – Brand New

_If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin  
to your blood cells and remove whatever makes you hurt  
but I am too weak to be your cure.  
Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?  
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind._

…_I'm not letting you check out.  
You will beat this starting now, and you will always be around.  
I'm there to monitor your breathing; I will watch you while you're sleeping.  
I will keep you safe and sound._

**

* * *

****Chapter 13: Guilt**

**BPOV**

I woke to blinding sunshine streaming through the uncovered window in Alice's guest room. Today _would_ be one of the less than sixty clear days a year in Seattle. Shutting my eyes tightly, I moaned, trying to breathe through the sensation of hot pokers piercing my eyes. I tried to swallow but my mouth was completely dry and foul-tasting; my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth. My empty stomach churned with nausea and growled with hunger at the same time, the competing sensations combining to make me feel worse than I ever had in my life.

I sat up gingerly, clutching my forehead in my hands as the pain in my head intensified. I waited until the throbbing in my skull waned to a dull ache. Slowly, I stood on shaky legs, carefully picking my way to the en-suite bathroom. There were two tablets of aspirin sitting next to a large bottle of water on the counter. _Thank you, Alice_. She was sent from the heavens at that point; I'd never been more grateful for a drink of water in my life.

I cracked open the water and took a few sips, praying I'd be able to keep it down. It was heaven on my parched tongue. Leaning my hip against the cabinet, I tossed the pills into my mouth and downed them, closing my eyes against the wave of dizziness and pain that hit me when I tilted my head back to swallow. Had I _ever_ had a hangover this bad?

I took care of the necessities as quickly as I could, considering the miserable shape I was in. Alice had folded my clothes and set them on the bench at the foot of the bed. After dressing, I eased back down onto the mattress to wait for the aspirin to take effect.

It had taken me a long time to fall asleep after Edward left. I still couldn't believe he'd gone. In all honesty, I'd expected him to refuse, even _wanted_ him to say no. I was confused. He'd come to find me, yet he'd left all too easily when I'd asked him to. _What if I messed it all up? What if this was too much for him?_

_Why do you care if you messed it up? You're just going to cause more damage if you stay with him…_

I did care, though. I couldn't stay away from him and I was tired of trying to tell myself I could. I'd gone back looking for more, even in the beginning when I didn't know him. Now that I'd spent the last few months getting to know him, it was nearly impossible to remind myself why I should stay away. He made me laugh. Sometimes, he almost made me think I was normal. He treated me well; always opening doors for me and doing small chivalrous things that made me feel special, cared for. He drew me out of my carefully constructed shell and it felt so simple just talking to him. It was easy and comfortable; nearly perfect, or as perfect as things could be in my screwed up version of reality.

Then I remembered Edward's controlling behavior and possessiveness. I didn't mind it so much when we were intimate; I found it arousing that he wanted me only to himself and that he wasn't shy about vocalizing his thoughts. He made me feel like I was his; like I was cherished, _valued_, something that I hadn't felt for a long time.

However, I wanted no part of that behavior outside of our private life. If I was honest with myself, that part of him scared me. His secrecy reminded me of James, and although I knew they were nothing alike, even the slightest similarity was enough to make me anxious. If he wanted this to work, he had to put a stop to the following and checking up. How was I supposed to work on my faith in myself, when it was obvious he didn't trust me? I sighed and covered my eyes with my arm. That train of thought was only making my headache worse.

*****

Sometime later, I was shaken awake by Alice's gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Bella, I know you're tired, hon. But it's almost eleven," she said quietly. "Where's Edward?"

I blinked several times and sat up cautiously, waiting for the wave of pain to wash over me with the change in position. Fortunately, the aspirin and water had done its job and the headache was nearly gone. Only a twinge of achy pressure remained in my forehead.

"I asked him to leave so we could talk about it later, when I was clearheaded. I'll call him when I get back to my place," I replied. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, bracing my hands on either side of my hips on the mattress. Taking a deep breath, I pushed myself up carefully and stood still. The room remained stationary and I managed to look Alice in the eye without feeling the world spin on its axis. I breathed a sigh of relief when the nausea didn't return.

Alice nodded. "I made some eggs and toast if you're interested," she offered tentatively as she stood up. My stomach seemed to welcome the idea.

I nodded and tested my legs, gripping her shoulder for balance as my knees trembled. I faced her and put my other hand on her shoulder, needing her support more than I was willing to let on.

"Alice, thank you," I said. "I fucked up. I don't deserve a friend like you. I'm so sorry I let you down." Tears stung my eyes again, and I couldn't hold them back. _Why do I have to fucking cry?_ _It's not like I need to feel more embarrassed and weak_. I felt way too much of both. I roughly swiped the tears off my cheeks and took a calming breath.

"Bella," she sighed, "you do _so,_ but more than that, you _need _a friend like me to kick your ass when you say things like that. It doesn't matter if you let me down; I'll still be there for you. God knows you need someone like me," she said grouchily. "Come on." She turned and grabbed my hand off her shoulder, leading me to the kitchen at a pace that was a little too quick for my queasy stomach. I dropped into a chair and laid my forehead on top of my arms at the kitchen table. "Drink this," she said as she plunked a bottle of Gatorade on the surface. I eyed it dubiously, wondering if my stomach would accept the salty citrus-flavored crap in the plastic bottle. I decided it couldn't be any worse than what I'd already put inside my belly the night before. I took a small sip, followed by another, and before I knew it, half the bottle was gone.

Alice laid a plate of hot scrambled eggs and toast in front of me. I forced down the first bite, chewing absently, as I thought of Edward, my mother and Phoenix.

"You have to tell him what happened to you, Bella," Alice said flatly. "He's trying very hard to be what you need, and it can't be easy when he doesn't have the whole story." It was like she was inside my head, picking out my jumbled thoughts. I had to tell him, but what if he hated me? I didn't know if I could do it, if I could handle seeing him look at me with disgust and contempt, especially after the horrible mistake I'd made last night.

"I know, Alice. I just… I'm afraid."

"Why, Bella? You have to know that he loves you. Even I can see it!" She threw up her little hands in exasperation and huffed out a breath.

"I killed someone, Alice!" I cried. "I'm just like _him_; I took a _life_." _And I was glad I'd done it_. That was the biggest reason for my shame: when Charlie and I had to make the decision to take my mother off life support, the only satisfaction I found was in the fact that James was dead. He'd taken my mother's life, so it was only fit that I'd taken his. "I don't have the right to be happy." My voice died down to a whisper and I looked down at my half-eaten breakfast.

"No one has ever deserved to be killed as much as that man," she stated, pulling up a chair right next to mine. She leaned forward and put her hand on mine. "You did _nothing_ wrong. Your life was in danger; the man strangled your mother, for Christ's sake!" I flinched at her words and the anger in her tone. As much as I appreciated her loyalty, I knew she was dead wrong. I _had_ done something. I went into that darkroom and Renee had paid the price.

_I wish it had been me_.

I didn't realize I'd whispered the words aloud until I heard Alice gasp. "How can you _say_ that? Look, I know these last ten years have been hell for you. But think about what you _do_ have now! You have friends in me and Jasper, and you have Edward. You have people that _love_ you. Would you take that away from them? Isn't it time you stop blaming yourself and try to be happy? Bella, you _deserve_ it, you deserve it so much," she said, her voice filled with conviction.

I didn't believe her, even though I wanted to. Surely that was a start?

"I don't know if I know how to do that."

She squeezed my hand hard before responding. "We'll work on it, hon. Now, eat. It really will make you feel better." We sat in companionable silence as I picked at my food, managing small bites here and there. I kept my gaze on my plate, until Alice cleared her throat.

"Will you tell me what happened last night?" I was tempted to shut her down and just ask to leave, but I had a feeling she wouldn't take me to get my truck until she knew what had happened. She might have been asking nicely, but she expected an answer, and in all honesty I owed her one.

"Edward saw me talking to Jake in the parking lot after coffee. He didn't like it." I rolled my eyes. "Like I'd ever want anyone else," I muttered. "I didn't even _want_ to want Edward."

"That's it?" she asked skeptically.

"No, it's the fact that he was there in the first place. He was there the night before, too. Spying on me."

"Okay… I can see why you'd be mad. But, honey, you know he cares, and he's worried."

"He said he was falling in love with me," I blurted.

"Bella, didn't you know that already? Anyone with eyes can see it."

"I suspected, but it was so much easier to pretend I could be with him as long as he didn't say the words," I said sadly.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" she laughed. "Jasper says he never saw Edward this involved with a woman the whole time they went to school together."

"I don't want to hurt him! It's better for him if he doesn't care about me." _How could she possibly understand? She wasn't poison to everyone she touched._

"You think you didn't hurt him last night?" she asked. "You need to be honest with him, Bella. That's not to say he hasn't made mistakes of his own. The spying is a little shady. I don't know what to think about that." She frowned and took a deep breath, looking lost in thought.

"It scares me sometimes. I don't know why he does things like that. Following me… it reminds me of James." Edward was not perfect. He was possessive and jealous, but he had no reason for it. If he only knew how special he was... I'd never had a _relationship_ with a man, if I was being honest. I didn't count the high school drama before I'd left Phoenix and I kept to myself after moving to Forks. Any adult encounters I'd had only involved casual sex, scratching an itch. He was the only person I'd ever been with when I wasn't drunk. He was the only man I'd actually let get close to me, the only one I'd ever cared for.

"If you told him about your past, or how you feel about him, he'd know how badly those actions would affect you," Alice suggested. "I'm not condoning what he did, but like I said before, he's not operating with all the information he needs. And I don't believe he thinks rationally when it comes to you." She smirked as she said it, but her tone was gentle.

"I know," I sighed. "I don't know what to do, Alice." My throat tightened; the goddamn tears were back, and I hated that. I was on an emotional roller coaster this morning and the only way it traveled was straight down.

"Only you can help yourself, Bella. We'll be here to support you, but you have to make the decision. But I don't think AA and counseling, which you haven't even made an _attempt_ at scheduling," she looked at me pointedly before continuing, "are going to be enough."

"What do you mean?" I asked tightly, feeling my spine stiffen and my muscles clench. I knew what she was going to say.

"I think you need inpatient treatment." She looked at me plainly as she said it, daring me to take offense.

Sometimes I hated Alice.

_Rehab_.

The word blew through my mind in a swirl of disgust and I stared at her in disbelief. My free hand tightened into a fist, my knuckles turning white with the pressure. Anger overcame the residual nausea in my belly and burned like acid. I yanked my hand away from hers and crossed my arms over my chest as I leaned back in the chair. I wanted to cry harder, release the anger in tears, but I refused to let her see yet another sign of my weakness. I willed the tears to stop, staring at her intently as my eyes stung.

"I don't need rehab," I snapped. I tried to take calming breaths, but they seemed to have the opposite effect, like adding pure oxygen to an open flame. Alice just looked at me, her mouth set in a flat line as we faced off in silence. She said nothing else, and I was glad for it. I had no idea what I would have done if she'd pushed the issue further.

I _didn't_ need rehab. Rehab was for people much worse than I was. I'd just made one little mistake, that was all. Jesus, just because I had a relapse didn't mean I needed rehab.

_But you want a drink right now, don't you? _

I sure as fuck did. It made everything so much easier to deal with, but giving in to that urge was what got me into this mess to begin with. I wanted to forget last night ever happened, but I didn't hold out any hope that I'd get my wish.

Sensing she wasn't getting anywhere with her suggestion, Alice changed the subject. I knew what she was doing; she wanted to plant the seed in my mind, hoping I'd do what she wanted. It wasn't going to work this time. _I don't need rehab_. I tried to block out the uneasiness that took root inside at the thought.

We didn't speak much when she took me to get my truck. I thanked her for helping me last night, trying my best to be gracious, but I was still angry.

"Bella, be safe," she said earnestly. I nodded and shut the door, needing every ounce of self control I possessed to keep from slamming the door like a bratty child.

I sat in the truck for a moment, trying to center myself before I left for home. I knew I had to tell Edward about Phoenix; but the thought inspired such panic in me that I had to rest my head on the steering wheel as I caught my breath. A short burst of a car horn startled me; I looked up to see Alice still parked next to me. _Of course, she won't leave until _I _do_, I thought snidely. I gave an exaggerated wave and a fake smile before I started the truck. As I drove home, my thoughts returned to Edward.

I had to do it. I wanted him, wanted _us_. I'd lived my life in seclusion for the past few years; afraid I'd bring disaster to anyone I was close to. It hadn't done me any good, only sent me on a downward spiral of addiction and depression. I didn't want to be that way anymore.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, all the while expecting a different result. Maybe Alice was right. I needed to let someone in. My heart told me that was Edward.

*****

After I returned home, I showered and dressed in a comfortable tee and soft yoga pants, throwing my wet hair up into a messy doubled ponytail. I called Edward and he answered on the first ring. It was a short phone call; I heard the relief in his voice and could tell he was anxious to talk in person. He promised he'd be over shortly and I stretched out on the couch to wait for him, trying to gather the courage to say everything I needed to say.

A short time later, a knock on the door startled me out of my thoughts.

"Bella?" he called through the door, the muffled quality of his voice preventing me from hearing any inflection he might have added.

Edward never knocked anymore. He usually barged in with a smile on his face, happily making himself at home, eating my food and availing himself of my premium cable package. Of course, he was usually the one who stocked my pantry, so I didn't mind that he helped me eat the massive quantities of food he insisted I have.

When I opened the door he stood there hesitantly, his expression a cross between worry and longing. I gave him a tentative smile and held out my hand. He grabbed it immediately and pulled me to him, wrapping me in his arms. I went willingly, pressing my cheek against his chest as he pressed his lips to my hair. His breath was hot against my scalp, warming my whole body. I hadn't known I was cold, until he held me. Again, I was struck with the feeling of security being in his arms gave me; yet I was still scared to death of what I had to tell him today.

Part of me still wondered if I could trust him. Would he keep up his weird jealous behavior even after I told him my secret? _Should I even bother?_

At the same time, I knew I had to to put something of myself out there for him. When it came to our relationship I let him do most of the work. I closed the innermost parts of myself off, hoping he wouldn't notice or care that I was holding back. I knew that was what caused his mistrust in me and my recovery. If I expected honesty and faith from him, I had to give a little in return.

He would never realize just how hard that was for me.

He backed me into the living area before releasing me and drawing me down onto the couch in front of the picture window.

"What took you so long?" His tone was light, but his smirk didn't do much to hide his underlying nervousness.

"Alice." I knew the one word explanation was sufficient when he laughed softly. I watched as the smile slowly faded from his lips.

"I was so afraid you wouldn't call," he said, his face so close to mine that his breath warmed my lips. He smelled so good; the familiar crisp scent had an immediate calming effect on my anxious nerves. He brushed away the wisps of hair that curled at my temple, dragging his fingertips through my loosely held back hair. His hand traveled down my neck and arm before he gripped my waist and pulled me closer.

"For some reason, I just can't stay away from you." I gave him a soft smile, though I doubted he could see it, because he was so close to me. His grip on my waist tightened and that was the only warning I had before he set his mouth to mine, the kiss hard and desperate. His breath warmed my cheek and his rough moan vibrated against my lips; he shifted and caught my bottom lip, drawing it in softly.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, feeling the slight shudder that ran through him. Scooting closer, I held him tightly, trying to offer him the comfort I knew he craved. I was nearly in his lap. He brought his other hand up to my face, cupping my jaw, skimming his thumb across my cheek. His fingers bit into my waist almost painfully and I sucked in a sharp breath, pulling back.

"Edward," I whispered, rubbing his back. He sighed and opened his eyes, the vibrant green of his irises burning me with their intensity.

He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak, then stopped, his brow furrowed.

"What?" I asked, bringing my hand up to play in the hair at the back of his head, scratching lightly with my fingernails. When he continued to struggle for words, I began to feel uneasy and my self-destructive thoughts began to creep back in. _Did he decide I wasn't worth the trouble?_ I couldn't really blame him if he did. No one knew better than me how much I didn't deserve him. Finally, he spoke.

"Bella, please don't leave like that again," he said hoarsely. I nodded in relief, but couldn't do more. I didn't want to say the words, because while I might mean it, I also knew there was a good chance I'd go back on my word. I thought back to the detached feeling during the fight last night and I didn't know if it could have turned out any other way. That feeling of helplessly watching myself as I set my life on fire was something so uncontrollable that I didn't know if I could keep my promise.

"I know I said last night," he cleared his throat nervously, "that I was falling in love with you." I remained silent, analyzing my body's reaction to his words. I kept my brain out of it, taking in my accelerated heartbeat and breathing. One side of his mouth quirked into a ghost of his crooked grin when I didn't pull away. "But that wasn't the complete truth. I'm not _falling_ in love with you, Bella." I frowned at him, but he barreled ahead before I had a chance to question him. "I'm long past falling. I'm _in_ love with you," he said, his voice deep and soft, urgent and honest.

I let my hand drift down from his hair to his chest, feeling the strength of his heartbeat against my palm. Every part of me was screaming for me to tell him I felt the same, but I just couldn't put myself out there like that until he knew. Until he knew what kind of monster he thought he loved; a murderer.

"I know you might not be able to say you love me too," he continued. "But I will wait for you, no matter how long it takes." His eyes were intense and clear, and suddenly I had no doubts about his feelings. Maybe I was riding the high of his words, but I felt like I could tell him my secret, I could tell him what I'd done, and it wouldn't matter to him.

"Edward," I paused, swallowing past the lump forming in my throat, refusing to give in to the urge to cry and panic. "I care for you, so much. But I have to tell you… about my mother. I have to tell you what I did," I said.

* * *

**EPOV**

To say I was relieved when Bella didn't bolt after I told her I loved her couldn't quite describe the feeling. It was the best moment of my life to date, in spite of the horrible events of the last twenty-four hours. She was here, in my arms, and the look in her eyes was what I'd been waiting for since I'd found her again at Denali, sitting at a little table with Jasper and Alice.

This was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, despite all our faults. I wasn't perfect either. We could overcome it together. When she was sober, she was funny and smart, sarcastic and quick. She was my perfect counterpart, never cutting me any slack and always leaving me in awe of her. I didn't care that she was sick; I knew it was something she could overcome. If only she had the same faith in herself that I had…

At least, that's what I told myself. I couldn't allow myself to think about any alternatives. She was the one. My perfect match. I wouldn't even allow myself to think of all the obstacles we faced. She still didn't know that I already knew about her past, about her mother and the horrible thing she'd been forced to do in Phoenix. She still had to battle her addiction; something I knew could possibly ruin what we had.

In spite of everything, none of it mattered when I looked into her deep brown eyes. They were my home.

"When I was sixteen, my mother got remarried. His name was James, and he said he was a photographer…"

****

Even though I'd already known the story, hearing it directly from her lips was horrifying. I thought I'd be able to handle it. After all, I'd read it before. I wasn't prepared for the dead quality of her voice, as she described that night in a detached, clinical manner. I wasn't prepared for the tears that rolled down her cheeks, one after another, while her face showed no other emotion.

Before, I thought I'd known why she drank, but I don't think I'd truly had a complete grasp on it until tonight. Fury built inside me with every word, every tear. My chest ached, my eyes burned and started to water, but I refused to cry in front of her even if it was out of anger. It would be insulting, knowing what she'd been through. I had to be strong for her. I framed her face with my hands, making sure she looked right into my eyes.

"Bella, I love _you_," I whispered. "It doesn't matter. God… If I could've killed him for you, I would have." I gently wiped away the tears that rolled down her cheeks, stroking her soft skin over and over. I couldn't bear seeing her so broken. I stood and pulled her off the couch, letting her lean against my chest. Her head rested just below my shoulder, her silken hair tickling my chin. I buried my nose in her hair, dropping soft kisses on the crown of her head. "None of that was your fault. He was sick and repulsive. He deserved it," I said into her hair. "I want to help you make new memories, Bella. I'll help you make new memories for the rest of our lives."

She cried silently against my chest; the only indications of her distress were the hot tears soaking into my shirt, the tremors in her body as her breath shuddered in and out of her lungs. Her knees buckled and I reacted instinctively, swinging her up into my arms. I took her to the bedroom, whipping the quilt back and laying her gently on the mattress before toeing off my shoes and following her. She clung to me, plastering herself to my chest as soon as I'd settled underneath the covers.

"You love me? After that?" she choked out in between gasps, her voice thick with tears. "How?" I didn't know if she expected an answer because she kept whispering, almost as if she was talking to herself. "Oh, God…" She was louder now, her small frame trembling almost violently as I held her.

"Bella, shhh," I soothed, pressing her onto her back and hovering over her. I ran my hand through her hair, gently removing the elastic that held her ponytail, savoring the soft, slightly damp texture. "I love you," I whispered in her ear, pressing my lips just below her earlobe and trailing soft kisses across her cheek.

Her hands clenched in my hair and she yanked on the strands until I was directly in front of her face, her liquid brown eyes even with mine. Her lips were parted, pink, and shining slightly in the muted light of the evening. I brushed the tears away from her eyes and said it again, knowing she couldn't hear it enough. I couldn't _say_ it enough.

She shut her eyes and lifted her lips to mine, sliding her tongue across my lips, sending tingling warmth sweeping through me. My tongue darted out to stroke hers, the rough velvet and dark, fresh taste intensifying the ache in my chest. I wanted to tell her I loved her every day for the rest of forever.

I leaned further over her, giving her some of my weight, dragging my hand down through her hair to her chest. She whimpered when I cupped her fully in my palm, pressing my hand against the center of her breast and rubbing in firm circles. Overwhelmed by the past twenty-four hours, I couldn't find the restraint to be as gentle as I wanted. She moaned into my mouth, pressing her face even closer to mine as I raked my hand down her torso.

Her hands left my hair and she wrapped her arms around my back, finding purchase just above my hips. Her hands were cold on the bare skin of my lower back as she pushed them beneath my shirt. I sat up and quickly stripped it off, returning to her side in an instant. She shoved me onto my back and removed her shirt, leaning over me and planting her hands on either side of my head.

She gazed down at me, her dark eyes wild. She was so beautiful, her pale skin accented by the fading light filtering through the window. I trailed my fingertips up her torso, watching as goose bumps rose in response to my touch. I stopped when my hands reached her face, brushing my thumbs across her cheekbones as I drew her face closer to mine. She rubbed the tip of her nose across mine, her eyes closing as she sighed, and I closed the remaining distance between us.

She suddenly came alive, attacking my lips with a desperation I'd never felt from her before, even when she was trying to distract me. I held her face and returned her frantic kiss, her aggression making me even more desperate to have her. She swung one thigh over my legs, straddling my hips and grinding against me. I sucked in a sharp breath as she came in contact with my erection, confined too tightly within my jeans.

"Edward," she sighed against my lips. I let my palms skim down from her cheeks, trailing down her neck to hold her breasts. She gasped and arched her back when I touched her bare flesh, her puckered nipples pressing into my palms. Her hips jerked against mine, and I couldn't keep myself from mirroring her movement. I moved my hands just below her breasts, bracketing her ribs tightly, and she whimpered at the loss of contact. "Show me," she breathed, dropping light, wet kisses on my lips, never moving more than a few millimeters away.

I smiled against her lips, my heart beating faster and faster as I rolled her nipples between my thumbs and forefingers, pulling on them gently in response to her request. I opened my eyes, watching as she stopped all movement and simply rested her lips upon mine. The room was dark now, the only light from streetlamps and the dim glow of the city outside. I wanted to see her, but the darkness only intensified the sensations of her soft skin against mine and her intoxicating scent. I let my eyelids fall shut and gripped her harder, nipping her bottom lip roughly, needing to spur her to some kind of reaction. A soft cry escaped her lips, sending smug satisfaction shooting through me; _I_ was the only one who made her feel like this. It was only fair – she was the only woman who would _ever_ make me feel whole, satisfied and – even though she hadn't said it yet – loved.

I trailed my hands away from her breasts and over her sides, spreading them wide and dragging them down her back in a firm caress. Shoving my fingers underneath the waistband of her pants, I pushed them over the soft curve of her ass and down her thighs. She kicked them off at the foot of the bed and I gripped her, pulling her hard against me. My fingers dug into her flesh, my hands covering her so completely that I could feel the slickness between her legs as she ground against my dick. Unable to resist, I slid my right hand further and dipped my fingers into her heat. I couldn't contain the groan that slipped from my throat. I didn't know how much longer I could hold out; my cock pushing uncomfortably against the fly of my jeans.

Her elbows buckled and she sank against me; I took her slight weight easily, pushing her over onto her back and following her, pulling my fingers from between her legs to hold myself up on my elbows. I landed between her spread thighs, instinct driving me to press my insistent erection against her. My hands rested on either side of her head and I threaded my fingertips through her hair.

"I love you," I couldn't help but whisper, as her hands went to the top button of my jeans. Sweat prickled my brow and my breath came in heavy rushes as I stared down at her. She met my gaze with no hesitation, her eyes black and glinting in the dark room. When she finished with the buttons, she shoved my jeans and boxers over my hips as far as she could, as I lifted my hips to help her. She used her toes to help me kick them off the rest of the way, her body squirming against me and making me even more urgent to claim her.

I set my lips to her neck and made my way down, licking hot trails over her pulse and nipping at the spots I knew would drive her crazy. By the time I reached her nipples, she was clutching at my shoulders, her nails biting into the skin. Her legs were wrapped around me, her heels digging into my ass. I let go of her hair, drawing my hands over her shoulders until I reached her breasts. "Love you," I said again, taking her nipple into my mouth. I sucked hard as I cupped her soft flesh, pushing it up for my mouth. My thumb stroked the underside of her breast over and over as I savored her taste. I let my other hand trail down her stomach to wrap around her leg where it met her hip, stroking the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. She whimpered when I switched to her other breast, her nipple already beaded and hard when I licked her softly. She was so responsive.

I moved slowly down her body, never letting my lips leave her supple skin for more than a second. Laying my cheek low on her belly, I nuzzled into the softness. I looked up, meeting her eyes through the shadows. My thumb smoothed lightly across her center and I smiled at the sharp intake of breath I heard from her.

Gently, I raised her knee so her foot lay flat against the mattress. She lay there, watching me, tiny shivers periodically shaking her. Meeting her eyes over the expanse of her beautiful body was one of the most erotic sights I'd ever seen. I was desperate to get inside her, but it was so much more than that. I wanted to feel complete with her, show her that I wasn't whole unless we were together.

I snaked my arm under her raised leg, laying my palm flat right above her mound. Never taking my eyes from hers, I drew the fingers of my free hand down her wet sex, opening her and letting my breath hit the exposed flesh. I let my fingertips circle her entrance as I kissed her clit, softly at first, but applying firmer pressure with each kiss. Her hips moved in response to my fingers, but I held her still with my other hand. She never looked away from me. I hadn't known it was possible for me to become more aroused, but I _had_ to get inside her, and soon.

"Bella," I murmured against her clit before taking it into my mouth and moaning as I sucked lightly, sliding two fingers into her at the same time. One of her hands slid through my hair as she leaned up on one elbow, making it easier for her to see me.

"Edward," she breathed, her hips straining against my hand. I pumped my fingers in and out, curving them forward slightly. I flicked her clit with my tongue rhythmically, letting her see the movement. She moaned even louder and I increased the speed of my fingers when I felt her tightening around me.

"Edward, I'm… I'm so close." Her voice was thin, high – pitched and breathless.

Her whole body stiffened and I sucked hard on her clit. She came hard, muscles clenching tightly around my fingers as I thrust through her release, easing her down gently. I remained there, lying against her soft belly, until she began sifting her hands through my hair."Edward, please," she said, pulling at my shoulders. I wrapped my arms underneath her, holding her tightly to my chest as I moved back up her body. Her legs were already locked at the small of my back, my cock resting at her entrance. Her hips bucked up at me and I gritted my teeth against the urge to plunge inside her roughly.

"Bella, look at me," I demanded. Every muscle in my body was tense as I waited for her to open her eyes. Her lashes lifted, showing me the earthen depths. I kissed her softly, reveling in the feel of her soft lips against mine as I pushed ahead with no hesitation, seating myself fully inside her. I parted her lips with my tongue and the feeling of penetrating her completely, owning her body and soul, almost overwhelmed me.

Her nails scratched over my shoulder blades as I pulled out slowly; she gasped in protest, but that was short-lived as I thrust inside her once again. She skimmed her hands down my sides, drawing an involuntary shiver from me, until she gripped my ass in both hands. I moaned against her lips, increasing the pace and force of my thrusts.

"Edward," she panted against my lips, "hold me tighter. Don't let me go." Her nails raked up my back, her knees hitching higher, gripping my ribs as I drove into her. I dropped my head to the pillow next to hers, pressing my lips to her ear.

"I won't let you go, Bella," I murmured, cradling her against me tightly, around and inside her. "I'll never let you go." I slowed my movements, wanting to savor the feeling of being in her, of her soft skin sliding against mine. Nuzzling the hair behind her ear, I inhaled deeply, knowing I'd never forget the combination of fruit and fresh flowers and Bella. It was a paradox, the scent that made me burn and need, yet made me feel content all at once.

Her fingers raked up my back and knotted in my hair, gripping the strands at the crown of my head tightly; my scalp burning with the pain. Bringing one arm up to her hands, I loosened them as gently as I could, pressing them to the pillow above her head. She twined our fingers together and gripped my wrist with her other hand. I raised my head and met her hooded gaze, thrusting as deep as I could go in that same slow rhythm that was getting harder and harder to maintain.

She was giving herself up to me, trusting me to make her feel good, and I knew it was her wordless declaration. I had to bite my lip to keep back the words that built up inside me.

_Tell me you love me. I know you do. Give me the words._

She knew what I wanted; I could see it in her eyes. I knew I shouldn't expect her to say it yet, but that didn't stop me from wanting it. I'd just tell her how I felt for her as many times as she needed to hear it until she could tell me the same.

I twisted my hand so she'd let go of my wrist, and then I brought our joined hands down between us, still watching her face. I levered myself a little higher above her, adjusting the angle of my thrusts. Her legs fell from around my waist and she planted her feet flat on the mattress, meeting every stroke with a little push of her hips. I bit back a groan as she grew impossibly tighter and wetter; dipping our intertwined fingers down to coat them in her slickness. Our fingers brushed my dick as I drove in and out of her, nearly sending me over the edge.

"God, Bella, I love you," I said, my voice rough. She brought her free hand up, brushing my hair back from my forehead, a slight smile flirting with her lips. I circled our fingers around her clit and her eyes dropped closed, arching her neck on a moan. Pressing my lips to the base of her neck, I drew my tongue across her skin, tasting her. She was salty-sweet and fresh, her little gasps and moans vibrating against my lips and tongue. I could feel her tightening around me, the heat of her urging me to drive into her harder, faster.

"Edward," she gasped, "Love me. Don't stop." I didn't know which one she meant: stop loving her or stop moving. Both were impossible. Nearly out of my mind, I moved faster, the force of my thrusts pushing her higher in the bed. I cupped my hand around her head to protect her from the headboard and concentrated on steadily circling her clit.

Dragging my lips up her neck, I kissed her chin, nipping the tender skin as I went. I was desperate to make her cum, so fucking close to exploding that I wasn't sure I'd be able to bring her release before I shot inside her. I dropped a kiss on her lips, snaking my tongue inside with no warning as I pounded into her. Pulling back after a moment, I kissed her earlobe and began to whisper in her ear.

"My Bella… I'm going to make you cum, aren't I?"

"Yes… Edward, yes," she gasped.

"I love you so much. I want to make you cum so hard…" I couldn't speak anymore, because she was clenching around me, moaning in my ear and arching against my chest as she came. I kept the rhythm steady against her until she relaxed against me, my eyes nearly rolling back in my head at the feeling of her, hot and wet and tight around my cock.

"Edward, cum," she panted, closing her teeth on my earlobe. I was trying not to grunt with every thrust, lost in the sensations that flooded me as I pounded into her. I took our joined hands and grabbed her behind the knee, guiding her leg up. I slammed my lips down onto hers, moaning into her mouth as I thrust, spilling inside her.

She held me tightly as I came, aftershocks sending shudders through me. I kissed her softly before rolling to my back, bringing her with me. We were still connected and I'd never felt closer to her. Even though she wouldn't say it, I knew she loved me. She was the only woman for me, and I wasn't going to let anything stand in our way.

Later, as we lay wrapped around one another, I heard it.

"I love you," she whispered, almost inaudibly, before falling quiet. I knew she thought I was asleep. I remained still, just absorbing the fire that spread through me at her admission. I couldn't wait until she trusted me enough to say it when she thought I was awake. I knew she would.

What I didn't know was what she'd do if she ever found out I'd known what happened to her all along.

* * *

_A/N: I figured I tortured you enough with heartfail the last two chapters, hence the big ol' lemon. _

_I fail yet again with review replies. I suck. I really, truly appreciate your comments and insight. _

_I'd still love to hear what you think, especially about the first half of the chapter (or all of it, whatever). Something you don't like? Something you love? I really do love to read your comments._

_Follow me on twitter, if you do that sort of thing. My username is araeo. _


	14. Chapter 14: Fire

_I don't own _Twilight_. _

_A/N: Sorry for the long wait. At least this one's NSFW as well, right?_

_This one's for echoingsilence, the Clarice to my Hannibal, because she gives me presents and pre-reads my ramblings._

_Thanks to my betas, Isabella303, eye_ree and Stavanger1._

* * *

_Have you ever been alone?  
Fighting your own war?  
Someone stole the life from you  
And now they're back for more  
Your heart is on the floor  
Beating out of control  
Oh I don't want this anymore_

_So I'll be sailing on  
Out into Bermuda blue  
Compass needle breaks  
Like the heart I gave to you  
I've been laying down in the devils lair  
Sailing into the sun I'll be baptized there_

_In matters of the heart  
One must try to fill it up  
With love and grace can start a fire  
Immerse old wounds and douse them out  
Pick your heart up off the floor  
Hold it gently now and go  
To the place you were meant to know_

-**Spinnerette, "Baptized by Fire"**

* * *

**Chapter 14: Fire**

Five days since my relapse; one extremely embarrassing and three only less so AA meetings later, and I was feeling almost… happy. I had begun to relax and settle into a comfortable routine with Edward. I was starting to believe that we would be okay. Moments of fear still crept in occasionally, but they were becoming less frequent.

I'd thought telling him my secret would be painful. Surprisingly, I'd felt nothing, just a cold detachment… but I'd been anything but calm. My body had felt ready to burst out of my skin, every hair standing tall with pulsing electricity that throbbed to the rhythm of my words.

I'd watched the scene unfold from somewhere deep inside myself, surrounded in my chilled prison of flesh and blood. Something had taken over me, crept over my body as surely as the gooseflesh that broke out over my skin; something that was able to shield my fragile psyche from reliving that horrible night while I was conscious. It had been so similar to the night in the parking lot, when I was held back from myself and watched as my life spun out of control. As unsettling as it had been during my argument with Edward, I welcomed it like a godsend when I began to speak.

_

* * *

__There were three of us in the room. Two of us were physical. Edward and I sat plastered together on the couch, but I wasn't really _there_. I watched us there on the couch as I spoke in a shaky voice. I knew I wasn't really gone from my body… but I still felt as if I were an observer in the train wreck that was about to unfold in my living room. I felt nothing, really, other than an apathetic acceptance that I was ruining the best thing that had ever happened to me. _

_I was certain that these were the last minutes I'd ever spend with Edward. Once he knew I was a murderer, once he knew I was glad I'd taken a life – even felt satisfaction that I'd caused James significant pain before he went to the death he'd so richly deserved – he'd wash his hands of me and leave me even more broken than before. _

_There would be nothing left for me without him. I accepted it. I was ready… I'd had enough of this life._

_I couldn't see my left wrist from this vantage point, but I knew all about the thick, raised scar that marked it. It would provide the perfect template for the cut that would follow when Edward left. I thought of the box knife that was part of the tool kit I kept in the pantry. New, shiny, untouched since the day I'd brought it home from the hardware store. The blade would slice cleanly, the edge sharp and true. I could almost feel the satisfying sting, that ironic pain that would bring blissful numbness. _

_If this turned out like I was convinced it would, I wouldn't fail this time._

_I watched in disconnected curiosity as I lifted a shaky hand to my hair, shoving it back from my face, only to have it fall right back into my eyes. My voice faded in, and I decided to listen, to test myself and see if the horror would begin to seep back into my mind as I spoke._

"… _When I came back downstairs with the gun, I couldn't find my mom." I noticed the fat, hot tears as they rolled down my cheeks. The tears came without sobs as I blinked, dripping down to Edward's shirt and darkening the fabric where they soaked in. My voice was flat, soft and barely audible; the contrast between the tone and the words almost laughable._

"_I heard him laughing. It was _gleeful…_ that fucker laughed as he choked my mother." My voice became softer, _younger_, as if I was thrown back to that night. I could see the pain in my expression, but strangely enough, I still felt nothing._

_Until I looked at Edward's face. His features clenched in anguish before he pulled my head to his chest and dropped his cheek to the top of my head, using his body to surround mine completely, the gesture protective and sweet._

_I felt the first spark of hope then. _

"_I shot him and he fell. He was squirming like a bug on its back, and I wanted to throw up…" My words were hurried and strung together, the story spilling forth now with no semblance of control. "He said I was a killer just like him. And he was right, because I shot him again, and again, until there were no more bullets left. I'm glad he's dead."_

_I felt the satisfaction begin to trickle in, the rush of triumph, at the wrath I'd brought down upon James; shame creeping in on the heels of the memories._

"_I'm just like him. A killer."_

"_No, Bella, no… you'll never be like him. You're good and sweet and gentle. Bella, I love _you_," he said, gently wiping the tears from my cheeks._

_The spark of hope flared into a full-blown flame, melting the icy prison I'd encased myself in. Suddenly, the detachment was gone, everything rushing me at once, as I shivered uncontrollably in his arms._

* * *

Now that I had some distance, I could think back on it and let this new development sink in. I could try and figure out how to move forward from here.

I still hadn't told him I loved him – while he was awake. I told him every night when we went to sleep, after he was dead to the world and I felt the most secure – wrapped in his arms in the darkness. I didn't know what kept me from saying the words. I tried to say it with actions every day, and every minute I spent with him brought the words closer to the surface. I dreamed about his face when I finally said them. It gave me a feeling that was close to giddiness. It wasn't easily recognizable, because I hadn't been truly happy for so long… and I was thankful to Edward for helping me feel it.

I was amazed that I didn't feel a strong need to drink. Every time I thought of alcohol, nausea inundated me… but there was still an underlying seductiveness to the notion of becoming drunk. It was frightening. That feeling had been a part of my life for so long, and I was terrified it would come rushing back at any moment. But I was holding on. For now. I didn't yet know what the first disappointment would bring, or if it would bring forth that thirst for oblivion with which I was so familiar.

In the back of my mind, I was afraid that this new feeling would go away. I was afraid that I'd cave with the first challenge, the first problem I was presented with. That same part of me was certain _something _was lurking just around the corner that would drive me back into the patterns of my past. I was determined to ignore it. I lived my life day by day, surrounded in my tiny bubble of contentment with Edward.

Three days ago I had finally called Dr. Weber; her assistant had agreed to clear a slot for me tomorrow after hearing a bit about my history. I was terrified. I knew she would want to know all about what had happened to me. The logic was simple. She couldn't help me if she didn't know what my issues were, but I didn't know if I could open up to her. It had taken me so long to open up to Edward. How was I supposed to sit in front of a complete stranger and tell her about the most terrifying moments of my life? How was I supposed to tell her that it was my fault my mother was dead? How was I supposed to tell her about the guilt I was beginning to feel regarding the way I'd lived my life since?

To help myself forget about those things, I'd become quite the little domestic in the past few days. I'd taken more of an interest in cooking meals, my apartment was spotless, and Edward and I now ate regular meals at the little breakfast bar at the kitchen island, instead of the coffee table. Just yesterday, I'd found myself buying embroidery supplies. I'd tossed them into my closet in disgust when I'd gotten home, mumbling to myself about needing to buy some foam rollers and a muumuu.

We spent much of our time at my apartment. He reluctantly went to the bar for a few hours each morning, while I spent that time writing or organizing and editing previously written passages. What had begun as a cathartic exercise to remember my mother had blossomed into a fantasy of how I wished my life had gone. How things could have been, if Renee had never met and married James. It was calming, and the happiness I felt while working on it was surprising. It should have been bittersweet. I still felt the loss of my mother keenly, but putting my memories of her to the page, spinning a story of the kind of life she'd wanted for us, comforted me.

I was surprised at the light tone of my writing, the humor and happiness that came out of the work. Most of my work before (which I'd come to think of as _pre-Edward_) had been dark and disturbing, filled with tension and torment. The quality was better as well; richer, more detailed and heartfelt. It seemed like I had an ever-growing list of things to thank Edward for…

Yet I knew it was only, at best, autobiographical fiction. I could no longer truly wish that those fantasies were real, because then I wouldn't be with Edward. It was so completely, despicably selfish. But I was long reconciled to the fact that I was not a good person. It was just one more flaw in an ever-growing list.

I decided not to think about those things any more tonight. That was what tomorrow afternoon was for; when Dr. Weber would pry into my past and dissect my brain for her own interests.

I looked up from the French bread I was buttering to see Edward stretched out on the couch, watching _Wheel of Fortune_. He mumbled to himself as he tried to figure out the puzzle, his brows drawing together as he concentrated. I couldn't help but smile at the picture. It only took me one glance at the television to decipher the puzzle, but I kept my mouth shut and went back to the bread, sprinkling a layer of garlic salt on the slices before sliding them underneath the broiler. I always figured it out before he did, but sometimes I played dumb just to stroke his ego.

I was once again struck by the domesticity of it all. It was almost… geriatric. We'd even probably go to bed right after dinner, since I'd already been to AA today. Of course, we went to bed early, but we didn't exactly sleep the whole time.

I'd never been a very sexual person before meeting Edward. Sex was just a means to an end, a way of scratching an itch I rarely felt. It didn't make me feel any more fulfilled or help me forget. But with Edward, the connection was so deep, so perfect, that I could barely remember my name when we were together that way. I never thought of anything else but the two of us, the pleasure I could give him and the pleasure I received. It was frightening, the strength of the emotions I felt for him. I needed him so I could be whole, and I knew how dangerous that could be. If he was the only glue that held me together, what would I do if he suddenly wasn't there?

I'd completely fracture. I'd cease to exist.

Suppressing my morose thoughts, I drained the spaghetti and removed the toasted bread from the broiler, before bringing everything to the little breakfast bar. I looked over to Edward, who was still oblivious on the couch.

"Spaghetti time, Lady," I said, showing him a small smile. "Woof woof."

"Lady?" he scoffed, slowly getting up and stretching. He raised his arms above his head, causing his black tee-shirt to ride up over the waistband of his jeans. My eyes were drawn to the strip of smooth flesh and smattering of hair beneath his navel that was now visible, and before I knew it, I'd let out a little sigh in reaction. I heard a soft chuckle from him as he started across the room. I ripped my gaze away from his midsection, meeting his playful gaze. "So, if I'm Lady, who does that make you?" he asked, his eyes flashing with humor.

"Don't even say it," I warned, pointing at him with a huge wooden salad spoon.

He held up his hands as he neared me, turning up the charm. "I was going to say Darling!" he protested innocently. I arched an eyebrow at him and sat down.

"Should I be worried about your knowledge of Disney characters?"

"Bella, I have a two and a half year-old niece," he said, arching his eyebrow right back at me, taking his seat. He angled his body so he was mostly facing me. I mirrored his position without any conscious thought until I'd already moved. "Charlotte is obsessed with Disney cartoons." I tried not to let my smile slip from my face at the not-so-subtle reminder of Rose and Emmett. My happiness decreased significantly at the thought of the rift I was causing between Edward and his family.

I busied myself with serving up piles of pasta and sauce and tossing the salad. Edward noticed my sudden silence, perceptive as always. He brushed his fingertips over my cheekbone, his gentle way of getting me to look up at him. I complied; I always did. I couldn't tell him no.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, setting his fork down, the soft clink of metal on the plate startling me.

"I'm sure you miss Charlotte," I whispered, unwilling to speak aloud, for fear my voice would break and betray the depths of my sadness. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat, getting rid of some of the tightness. "I don't want to keep you from your family." My voice was stronger this time.

"Bella, you're not." I looked back down at my plate; sure he was just trying to make me feel better. "Hey," he said, scooting his stool closer to mine and tipping my jaw up to look at him once more. "Don't you know that you're my family now, too?" His voice was tender, a little rough. I searched his light green eyes, not entirely sure what I was looking for. Resentment? Sadness? I could find neither of those, but I could see his love plainly. He smiled faintly at me and kissed the tip of my nose, his fingertips grazing my cheek on their way to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I withdrew; my old habit of closing myself off was hard to break.

"Our food is getting cold," I said, cursing myself for beginning this conversation in the first place. It was so fucking _hard_ to be happy. I wanted to close myself away with Edward in this apartment and never come out. We could wallow in each other and our voluntary agoraphobia; ignore the world except for the delivery man.

He sighed softly and began to eat. I watched him surreptitiously, making note of his excellent table manners and the fluid, graceful way he twirled the spaghetti around his fork. Those were the sort of skills you learned from a family… the small things a mother made sure to teach her children. I remembered Renee trying to teach me the proper way to set a table, but she could barely remember it herself. I'd bought a book on table etiquette that had been much fancier than we'd needed for our simple meals. I remembered how she'd laughed when I'd tried to instruct her on the merits of the shrimp fork. The memory made me feel warm inside, but only for a moment.

I was denying Edward future family memories. I didn't want that for him, but I knew I couldn't let him go. Disturbed, I picked at my salad and pasta, pushing the food around my plate more than eating anything. When I was afraid I was being too obvious about not eating, I switched to mutilating the slice of garlic bread I'd served myself. I wasn't sure how long I sat there destroying my food. I looked up from the pile of crumbs and little bread chunks on my plate to find Edward watching me, most of his food gone. He looked pointedly at my spaghetti and salad.

"You _are_ part of my family, Bella. Things will work out. I refuse to accept anything else," he said, pushing his plate away and reaching to take my hand. I let him, because touching him in any way always made me feel grounded, supported.

"How can you know that, Edward?" I whispered. Looking into his eyes, I knew he believed it. I just wished I could do the same. I just hoped he had enough conviction for the both of us. It was hard to believe in our success when I could barely believe in myself. I felt pushed and pulled in opposite directions; caught in a tug of war between the part of me that refused to let go of him and the part that hated who I was and what I'd done.

"I just do." he said simply, his thumb rubbing light circles on the thin skin that stretched over my hand. "I know you're scared, and unsure. But I can believe enough for the both of us, for now. It _will_ work out. I love you." I almost caved at the naked pleading in his eyes. The words rose up inside me, but suddenly congealed into a ball in my throat, sticking there. I let my lips part, ready to let the words go, but they wouldn't budge. I merely returned his gaze, my boring brown eyes meeting the lush hue of his, trying to tell him without the words. I bit my lip as a tiny crease appeared between his eyebrows at my silence. Gripping his hand, I crossed the short distance to stand between his legs, wrapping my arms around his neck, squeezing him as hard as I could. We were even in height since he still sat on the barstool, and I could easily press my cheek to his. He hesitated for a few seconds before relenting and curling his arms around my lower back, dropping his forehead to my shoulder. _I love him so much. Why can't I say it?_

We stood there for maybe a minute before he took a deep breath and lifted his head, pulling back and moving the stool backwards so he could stand. He gave me a ghost of a smile before he started gathering up dishes to clean. Honestly, I was a bit shocked at the way he backed away. He'd never done that before. My eyes followed him for a moment, before I hurried to pick up the remaining dishes to take to the sink.

We worked quietly for the first few minutes as I prepared the leftovers for the fridge. When I finished, we rinsed and put the dishes in the dishwasher, working together.

"Would you like to do something tomorrow? With Charlotte and Emmett? I talked to Emmett yesterday… Rose is out of town with some girlfriends and he's taking care of Charlotte by himself. He mentioned a picnic tomorrow afternoon." He kept his eyes on his hands as he rinsed the pasta pot. "Your appointment with Dr. Weber isn't until four, right?"

I swallowed hard and nodded. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I would handle another encounter with Emmett and Rose, then pick up and go straight to my first appointment with the therapist. Furthermore, surely Emmett and Rose didn't want me around their young daughter. I wasn't the best role model, and I wasn't sure I was ready for another meeting with his brother. _Emmett_ had at least been nice, though.

"It's okay if you don't want to go, Bella," he said sadly, knocking me out of my thoughts. "I just thought you might like to meet Charlotte."

"It's not that I don't want to go," I offered. He gave me a skeptical glance, an eyebrow raised, as he put another pot in the dishwasher. "All right, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't scare me."

"Bella, it's okay," he began, but I didn't let him finish.

"I'll go," I said quickly, before I had a chance to change my mind. I just hoped this attempt at blending in with Edward's family didn't turn out as disastrous as the last time. I had to give it a shot. I'd finally admitted to myself that I loved him with no restrictions, and his family was a part of his life. If I could do this for him; be a part of (or at least be friendly) with his family, it was a step toward living a normal life with him. I wanted that… so much.

I ignored the derogatory whispers in the back of my mind. The whispers that insisted that killers couldn't live normal lives. I couldn't _be_ normal.

I had to work _very_ hard to ignore them.

One corner of Edward's mouth lifted in a slight smile. "You will?"

I nodded, and was rewarded with his full grin. It went a long way in silencing the whispers. I felt my lips stretch into an answering smile, and I marveled at how I'd ever thought I didn't want this. Then again, I didn't just _want_ this. I didn't just want _him_.

I _needed_ him. Desperately. Forever.

"I will. I'd love to meet Charlotte," I answered. "A picnic sounds fun. And," I smiled wider, remembering the special treat I'd baked this evening before dinner, "we'll have plenty of cake left to bring."

"Cake?" He perked up even more and promptly tossed the last dish into the dishwasher, grabbing a hand towel and handing it to me.

"I made dessert," I told him, drying my hands. Edward loved dessert. He never passed it up, no matter what it involved. I returned the towel and he wiped his hands as he followed close behind me.

"You did?" he asked, smiling crookedly at me, the smile guaranteed to make me do anything he wanted. It was magnetic and thrilling and warm, the feeling expanding until it reached even the tips of my fingers. _Finally. I thought I'd never feel this way…_

I hadn't even known I wanted it.

"Yeah." I nodded, quickly turning to take the cake out of the pantry. It was still barely warm from the oven. Edward's eyes widened as he saw the half sheet-sized pan in my hands. His look became gleeful and childlike as he took in the huge, chocolate-iced, pecan-topped cake. This was the mother of all chocolate cakes – Texas Sheet Cake. It had been Renee's favorite cake. I smiled faintly as I remembered our jokes about the cake's origin. We were never sure if the recipe was actually from Texas or the name was due to the absolutely huge size of the cake.

It was bittersweet, serving this cake to Edward. I hadn't had it in ten years. Maybe one day, when we knew everything about each other, he'd realize what this really meant.

"Can we have ice cream with it?" He tucked a corner of the damp towel in his pocket and actually rubbed his hands together. I couldn't help but laugh at his enthusiasm. Seeing his glee at something that was so simple on the outside, yet meant something so much more to me, made me feel like the weight of ten years' worth of sadness evaporated from my shoulders. My smile grew into a full blown grin as I answered him.

"Yes, I suppose," I said, teasing him just a little bit. He leaned forward to kiss me on the cheek before turning to get the ice cream from the freezer. He was fast, but I didn't miss the little swipe of his finger across the top of the cake. "Hey!"

"Oh, God," he groaned when he tasted the icing, bracing himself against the door of the freezer as he let his knees sag a little bit. "That is so good." He licked his lips, drawing my eyes instantly, setting off that spark that was never far from the surface.

He was so beautiful standing there, from his casual tee-shirt, jeans, and bare feet, to his closed eyes and the expression of bliss on his face. I found myself licking my lips and starting toward him, but I blinked quickly and snapped myself out of the trance. I set the sheet pan on the counter and reached for a butter knife. Edward came up behind me and swiped another finger-full of icing.

"Stop that," I scolded. "We want the icing to be _on_ the cake." I couldn't help but smile, proud that he liked my cooking. I positioned the knife to make the first cut, but he put his right hand over mine and dropped his lips to my ear.

"Don't you want to try it?" he whispered seductively, waving his finger in front of my face. I was tempted, but more by the promise of the taste of _Edward_ than the taste of the frosting. My back tingled as he inched closer, fitting us together from head to toe. He brought his finger to my mouth, leaving a trail of thick, chocolaty sweetness across my lower lip. I licked the stickiness away slowly, turning my head just a bit to see him better.

He pressed the tip of his finger to my lower lip once again; I opened my mouth just enough to get the remaining chocolate. I swept my tongue across the pad of his finger and then closed my lips around it, making sure all the frosting was gone. He growled quietly when I nipped his fingertip before letting him go.

"Hey now, no biting allowed," he warned in a playful voice.

"No icing-stealing allowed," I told him with a smirk.

"But it's so good," he protested. "How did you make it taste so good?"

"With enough butter to give five men a heart attack and so much sugar you probably shouldn't eat sweets for two weeks after this."

"Ah, that explains it." He reached to steal some more icing and I slapped his hand.

"You can wait until you get your piece," I laughed.

"Okay, okay!" He backed off and rifled through my drawers, looking for the ice cream scoop.

"Left of the dishwasher," I said absently, turning my attention back to cutting the cake.

"Make 'em big." I looked up at him, amused by his bossiness. "Don't think I didn't see how little you ate tonight." His tone was light, but his face was completely serious. I knew he worried about my eating habits.

"Yes, sir." I gave him a mock salute with the chocolate-covered knife.

"I'm serious, Bella," he said as he came up to my side and pried the lid off of the ice cream tub.

"I know, Edward." I didn't look at him as I transferred the cake to two plates and fished spoons out of the drawer. "I've been doing well. I've gained five pounds in the last three weeks. Pretty soon my clothes won't fit," I joked.

"Then you'll just have to go naked." He plopped ice cream on top of both pieces and tossed the scoop into the sink.

"Ha ha," I said flatly. "You're hilarious." I handed him his cake so he could hurry up and fill his mouth with food rather than silly statements.

"I'm always completely serious when I'm talking about seeing you naked, Bella," he said, trying to look seductive but failing utterly with his mouth full of chocolate cake. He pointed at me with his spoon. "Eat. Now."

"I'm eating!" I took a giant bite, exaggerating the motion. Unfortunately, the bite of ice cream was also huge, giving me an ice cream headache. "Oww," I groaned, squinting and pressing the heel of my free hand to my forehead.

"Are you okay?" he asked worriedly, setting his plate to the side and moving closer.

"Yeah, just a brain-freeze from the ice cream," I said sheepishly.

He took the plate out of my hand and set it on the counter. He gently rubbed my temples for a moment, before sliding his hands down my arms to drop at his sides. I looked up at him, his green gaze darker than usual, searing me from the inside out. His eyes were gentle and kind; so expressive that I could read his moods from one look. His love for me was plainly written – in the way he looked right _into_ me, not at me or though me. He'd seen me at my worst, heard the worst story I had to tell, and he was still here – still loved me.

I knew I could tell him. Finally.

Reaching up with both hands, I cupped his jaw in my palms, gently drawing him down to my level. I pressed my lips to his in a soft, chaste kiss. His eyes closed and hands smoothed down my back, pressing me closer to the length of his body.

"I love you," I whispered against his lips. Slowly, he opened his eyes, the light green shining in the kitchen light. "I love you." My voice was louder, more confident. Suddenly, he jerked up straight, his eyes wide as his lips curved into my favorite crooked smile.

It was such a release to say it. I felt like I'd loved him forever, although I'd only recently admitted it to myself. I was trembling all over and he'd barely touched me. I was hot and cold all at once, and the joy coursing through me was overwhelming.

"Say it again," he breathed, his arms tightening around me so much that my feet left the floor.

"I love you, Edward." This was the strongest time yet. It got so much easier every time, and I wanted to scream it to anyone who would listen.

"Bella, you don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that. I love you too, so much. Forever."

I blinked and a fat tear slid down my cheek. I hadn't even noticed the tears building. He kissed it away before closing his mouth over mine. His tongue slipped past my lips immediately, sweeping over the sensitive areas of my mouth and claiming me in a blatant gesture of ownership. I didn't mind. I was utterly his anyway. There was no Bella without Edward.

I hadn't been _alive_ until I met him; I'd only been waiting to die.

I buried both hands in his hair as he kissed me. I responded frantically, the adrenaline coursing through my bloodstream making me shaky and insistent. He was sweet, flavored with the hints of rich chocolate and vanilla, yet he still retained the familiar, intoxicating flavor I would never get enough of. I couldn't get close enough, couldn't kiss him deep enough. My whole body vibrated and I wondered if he could feel me ready to crumble in his arms. I moaned, clutching desperately at his soft hair; he grunted in pain, nipping my lip in retaliation. I released his hair immediately, stroking my fingers over the tender areas of his scalp.

He loosened his grip slowly, letting me slide gently to the floor. The kiss ended and I licked my lips to savor the lingering taste of him. I opened my eyes to find him gazing down at me intently. He cupped my face in his hands and pressed another kiss to my lips, a soft sigh escaping as our lips parted again. His eyes had darkened to a grassy green, the flush of arousal riding high across his cheekbones, making them seem almost jewel-like. Trailing a hand down my arm, he threaded his fingers through mine.

"Come with me?" he whispered, reminding me of that first night. I couldn't deny the connection between us had been there from the start. My body had known who he would be to me, even if my mind had not. We had finally come full circle… we belonged to each other.

"Always," I answered, squeezing his hand. He led me to the bedroom, where we undressed each other silently; trailing fingertips over each inch of flesh as it was exposed. When we were completely bare, he cupped my shoulders, pulling me flush against him. I gripped his back, my fingers fitting perfectly in the groove of his spine. My breasts pressed against his chest, causing my already hardened nipples to stiffen even further. His hands swept over my back, slowly sliding down to just above my ass. When his grip tightened, I couldn't hold back the little moan that rose up as he pulled me hard against him, his hard length hot against my abdomen.

I went on tiptoe, pressing my face to the base of his neck and trailing kisses over his collarbone. He bowed his head and trailed the tip of his nose along the shell of my ear. His breath was hot and harsh as it hit the thin skin of my earlobe, sending chills racing over my scalp and down my spine.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?" he breathed, pulling my earlobe between his lips and nibbling gently. He slowly walked me backwards, until I came up against the mattress. "Do you?" I gave a tiny shake of my head, not understanding how he expected me to speak. His lips skimmed across my jaw, pausing to press tiny kisses at random spots along the way.

"You're the beautiful one," I managed to whisper before he sealed his open mouth over mine, our tongues meeting in lush strokes. Without breaking the kiss, I climbed backwards onto the bed, kneeling while he still stood at the edge. The adjustment made me almost even in height with his tall frame, our bodies aligning perfectly. His hands came up to knot in my hair, holding my head in place for his lips. He moved closer to me, his cock slipping in between my slightly spread legs, just resting against the wet lips of my sex. A low growl rumbled through his chest at the contact. He pressed his hips to mine, his shaft sliding against my sensitive flesh as he moved back and forth.

I was burning; his smooth skin scorching against mine. My hands left his back, tracing winding paths over his ribs and circling his nipples. He finally released my lips, tipping his head back as I lightly scraped my fingernails over the hardened points. I skimmed my hands all over him, touching as much of his supple skin as I could, afraid I'd never get enough. This wasn't about sex; it wasn't about my pleasure, but about his. Before Edward, I'd no idea it could feel so good to give.

I pressed tiny kisses down his neck, my hands traveling downward until I gripped him in my fist. I backed away so he was no longer between my thighs, leaving more room for me to touch him.

"Shit, Bella… feels so good," he said hoarsely. I lifted my head to watch his face as I began to pump my hand along his length, tightening my grip faintly as I reached the blunt head and swirling my palm over the slit. "Oh, fuck…" His eyes opened, but remained heavy-lidded and fixed down between us as I stroked him. He began to move his hips in time with my hand. His hands fell from my hair and moved to cup my breasts in his palms. He thumbed my nipples gently, barely brushing over the hardened tips. I was almost lost, simply from touching him and a few kisses and caresses.

"Do you know what it does to me to see your soft little hand on my dick? Do you like touching me, Bella?" he asked in a low, strained voice. I fucking loved touching him, loved that I could make him lose control of his words like this. I loved hearing him talk to me when we were intimate. I loved _him_. I wondered if he would like it just as much if I talked back.

"I love touching you, Edward. Do you know what it does to me to see my hand on your dick?" I whispered through harsh breaths, purposely using his words. "It makes me so wet." I increased my pace slightly, squeezing a bit harder at the head, which was slick with pre-cum. He tore his eyes away from my hand on his cock and the bright green blazed at me. His right hand slid down my stomach to palm the slick flesh between my legs. He slipped two fingers inside without pretense. I gasped as he curved them towards the front of my body, then he slid them out with a curse. His fingers flicked over my clit once on the way to clutch at my hip."Edward," I gasped as he came forward, kneeling on the bed. I had to let him go as his weight shifted the mattress, throwing me off balance and against his chest. He sat on his heels and pulled me into his lap, my thighs spread wide. His hands bracketed my hips and held me poised just above his erection. I curled my arms around his neck and brought my lips to his, letting him position me however he wanted. I was completely open and bare before him, and I didn't care. I wanted to show him how much I trusted him to take care of my fragile heart and mind.

I couldn't help the little jerk of my hips when he took one hand and fitted his cock to my slit, but didn't move further. I whimpered against his lips.

"Do it, Edward. Please. I love you," I whispered. His hand returned to my hip and he held me there.

"Tell me again."

"I love you," I half sobbed. "Love you." He pulled me down over his shaft until I sheathed him fully. With my legs spread wide over his hips, he went incredibly deep.

"Oh, fuck yes," he moaned hoarsely. I wrapped my legs around his waist tightly, using the leverage to rock back and forth against him. His hands slid down over my ass, helping to match my movements with the subtle thrusts of his hips. The position didn't allow for a wide range of movement, but the closeness was beyond anything I'd ever experienced before. We were face to face, eye to eye, and every available inch of skin was pressed against him. I felt his fingers exploring the place where we were joined as he thrust in and out. "God, Bella… I love you so much."

"Love you too." I didn't know how long we rocked together, enjoying the feel of each other. I stroked his hair, his lips and the gritty stubble on his cheeks. Our mouths met in lush, wet caresses and hot breaths.

Each shift of our hips brought my clit in contact with his pubic bone, sending shocks of pleasure radiating outward. I tried to move faster, harder, and he realized how close I was, gripping me tighter and moving me over him more forcefully. That was all it took to send me over the edge, moaning his name and my love for him into his shoulder.

"That's right, love… cum all around me. Fuck, you feel so good." His voice was low and tight, made choppy by his approaching climax.

His fingers dug into the soft flesh of my hips as he neared his peak. His movements became more and more erratic, punctuated with rough moans, until he froze, caught in the pleasure of his release.

"Bella!" He dropped his forehead to my shoulder, the tension draining from his frame as we knelt there, wrapped around one another. After a few minutes, I uncurled my legs from his waist, wincing at the stiffness from remaining in the same position for so long. Edward realized I was uncomfortable and immediately helped me to lie down, curling himself around me like he always did. I opened my eyes and he was gazing at me, a soft smile curving his lips.

I touched my fingertips to his smile as I spoke. "I love you."

"Thank you, Bella," he said reverently. "I love you, too… more than anything."

I'd never felt so happy in my life. For the first time, I knew I was looking at my future, and I wasn't afraid at all.

* * *

Poor Bella. She has no idea. I know this chapter was a teensy bit fluffy. I apologize, but it really was essential to the story. She's got a false sense of security at this point, and she's not doing herself any favors.

This story has been nominated for best WIP at the Moonlight Awards. Nominations close Aug. 17th and voting begins Aug. 18th. Check out the other nominees!

http://themoonlightawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com/nominees(dot)php

Thanks for sticking with me on this one. I really appreciate all the comments and faves/alerts. I'd love to hear what you think.

**I'm also involved in a little Darkward contest with Cheddah, DawnoftheDead, DeviKalika, LucyLu0508, Namariel, NoBloodNoFoul and Saranic. **

**We'll begin accepting submissions September 15th.**

**http://www(dot)fanfiction****(dot)****net/community/Darkward_Vampfic_Contest/72958/**


	15. Chapter 15: Resurfacing

**I don't own Twilight. I do, however, own this plot and a healthy case of writer's block.**

**I hope someone out there is still reading. Thanks, if you are.**

**Thanks to AmeryMarie and EchoesOfTwilight for prereading and beta work, in addition to kicking my ass to get this written. ILY both. Viva la LoD.**

* * *

_I want to reconcile the violence in your heart  
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,  
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,  
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart_

_"Undisclosed Desires" – Muse_

**_Chapter 15: Resurfacing_**

**_EPOV_**

I could do this. _How fucking hard can it be?_ The skillet and I eyed each other warily as it heated. _I can make pancakes_, I told myself. I used to manage multi-million dollar mutual funds and currently ran a successful business; surely I could follow oversimplified directions on the back of a box.

_Apparently not_. Forty-five minutes, an entire box of pancake mix, and about fifty burned (or stuck-to-the-pan) pancakes later, I stared at the war zone I had created in Bella's kitchen. I'd wanted to do something special for her, knowing that today was not going to be easy. I kept reminding myself of that fact; it was on a loop inside my head. I felt guilty for creating an extra challenge for her on the day she was supposed to meet with Dr. Weber, but I really felt like a day outside with us would be good for her.

I was still riding the high from last night. Hearing those three words _finally_ fall from her lips as she looked me in the eye had been the best moment of my life, I'd thought. But what had followed…hearing her say she loved me while I was _inside_ her, making her fall apart and knocking down every defense she'd thrown into my path, had been amazing.

I scratched my head and scrubbed my hands over my face, bringing myself back to reality; trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do with this mess before Bella woke up and saw what I'd done. I heard a soft gasp, followed by a short burst of laughter, and I knew I'd been caught.

"Edward, what, in the name of God, have you done to the kitchen?" she asked between laughs.

Embarrassed, I smiled slightly at her as I took in her morning attire, or rather, lack of... She was wearing my black tee from last night, the worn fabric ending at mid-thigh. I wondered if she was wearing panties underneath. My dick was betting (or praying) that she wasn't.

"Well?" she asked with a smirk on her face, as I walked over to greet her with a kiss. _Nothing wrong with buttering her up before I tell her I've wasted an entire box of pancake mix, all of her eggs, most of her milk…and quite possibly ruined one of her good skillets_. Pulling her flush against me, I held the back of her head in my hand as I pressed my lips to hers, ending the kiss with a flick of my tongue over her bottom lip.

"I might have tried to make you breakfast in bed," I murmured, my fingers tracing tiny patterns over her hip above the tee-shirt. Fuck. She definitely wasn't wearing anything underneath.

She raised herself up on tiptoe as she peeked over my shoulder, using my body for balance and pressing herself against me. I wasn't quite sure if it was intentional. I chose to believe it was, because it suited my own desires perfectly.

"Edward, oh my God!" she said, sounding appalled. I grimaced against her neck, pushing my nose into the fragrant hair behind her ear.

"You know, I liked that phrase much better when you were screaming it last night," I whispered, trying to distract her. It didn't work. Her body vibrated with laughter, only making the situation in my pants more painful.

"I just bet you did." At least she sounded more amused than angry. "Well," she huffed, coming down off her toes and patting me on the cheek. My entire front felt the loss of the warmth from her soft body against mine, so I pulled her back with the arm I had hooked around her waist. "I guess we'll just have to have cake for breakfast," she sighed, sounding bored and dejected, but when I bent at the knees a bit to see her face, I was blessed with her mischievous grin.

"Cake? For breakfast?" I asked, my grin answering hers. "We might as well, I guess. I'm breaking all the rules now, since I'm going to hell," I joked.

"What would you be going to hell for?" Her voice was saucy and full of life, without a hint of the melancholy she usually conveyed. It made me so fucking happy just to see her enjoying our time together, our life together.

_Yeah, the life that's balanced precariously on your lie of omission…_

I mentally beat my conscience into submission as I answered, "I must confess, I've been having impure thoughts about a certain lady." I let my voice trail off suggestively as I brought one hand up to cup her breast through the thin cotton.

"Impure thoughts?" she gasped, playing along. "Shame on you." She linked her hands behind my neck and laid her face against my chest as she smiled. I could feel the curve of her cheek against my bare skin. Lifting her easily, I shifted her slight weight to sit on the countertop.

"Stay there. I'll get your sinful breakfast," I murmured close to her ear before trailing my lips across her cheek to the corner of her mouth. But when I reached her lips, they were parted and wet as she sucked in a breath. I couldn't resist another taste of her when there was nothing in the world that tasted better. Not even that fucking amazing chocolate cake she'd made for us last night.

I traced just inside her lips with the tip of my tongue, breathing into her mouth in short pants, until she added more pressure and force to the kiss. Her fingers wove into the hair at the nape of my neck, sending chills over my back from the gentle scrape of her fingernails on my scalp. I hummed against her lips as she hooked her calves around me, her heels digging into the backs of my thighs. My hands rested on the bare flesh just above her knees, kneading gently as I reveled in the hot slide of her tongue against mine and the soft moans that were muffled by my lips.

Inching my hands up her legs, I gripped her hips and pulled her to the edge of the countertop before venturing higher underneath the shirt. I rubbed my thumbs over every subtle ridge of her ribs, going so slowly that she shivered. She fit perfectly against me, my covered cock riding in the hot, wet perfection between her thighs. The layers of fabric between us were pissing me off, but I didn't want to presume anything. I just wanted to make her happy, and if making out on the kitchen counter was all she wanted, then I'd suffer through the fucking blue balls I was sure to have.

Finally, I reached her breasts, brushing my thumbs over the hard peaks that I wanted nothing more than to taste, but I didn't want to separate myself from her for long enough to strip the shirt from her body. Her legs clenched around me as I added more pressure and pinched her nipples gently.

We didn't speak, communicating with soft touches and sighs, moans and breaths. I hadn't planned to take her in the kitchen, or anywhere else this morning, but as always, our physical connection drew us together like metal to a magnet. Releasing my hair, her soft fingertips left burning trails down my neck and over my chest. Her touch was light and torturous over my sides; she added just enough pressure to tease, but I needed more. Tearing my lips from hers, I moaned as I scattered kisses over her jaw and neck, biting down where her neck and shoulder met while she shoved her fingers beneath the waistband of my jeans. She left them there, teasing me, as I nibbled over the sensitive tendons of her neck and played with her breasts.

"Bella, what are you doing to me?" I asked roughly. "I can't ever get enough of you." It was the complete and utter truth. She was the one. My chest clenched as the unwelcome thought of my lie of omission intruded into our bubble. I pushed it back, licking a hot trail up her neck to nip at her earlobe. I loved her like no one else ever would, so it didn't matter. Consumed with the need to see her, naked and vulnerable before me, to prove that no one else could take care of her like I could, I leaned back to strip my shirt away from her body.

As soon as I tossed the shirt somewhere into the living room, her fingers were busy working on my jeans, brushing against me as every button was released. Her warm, soft hands delved inside and wrapped around my dick, causing me to moan loudly against her fragrant skin as I shifted forward into her fist, cupping her breasts and pushing them together. I buried my face in her hair while I played with her nipples, pinching and twisting them gently. I was surrounded with the scent of her…the scent that made me so fucking hard I could barely stand it.

Her lips were busy kissing across my jaw, and the sound of her heavy, short breaths in my ear was beyond arousing. I took pride in the fact that although she might have been able to make me absolutely lose control, I did the same to her.

"I'm taking you, Edward," she whispered in my ear as she pulled me closer; pressing the head of my cock to the soft, wet lips of her sex. She gave me one final squeeze and I grunted, sliding my hands away from her breasts and down to her hips. Dropping my forehead to her shoulder, I pushed forward quickly, unable to enter her slowly and gently. She was taking me and I was taking her. The back of her head thumped against the cabinet in response to my rough treatment; she sucked in a breath and moaned as she tightened around me. I moved one hand up to protect her head, fucking her in smooth, slow strokes. She hitched her legs higher, clenching them tightly around my waist. I held her close, one arm wrapped low around her back.

"Edward," she breathed, curling her arms behind my neck, pulling herself as close to me as she could. My hips met hers in a deep and sure rhythm, slow and hard. I reared back to watch her, my eyes darting back and forth between her face and the fucking amazing sight of my dick sliding into her wet, pink flesh.

She stretched around me, as always, taking whatever I gave her and asking for nothing. It went on and on until I was convinced I'd implode under the intensity of all the sensations she gave to me. I brought her close again, every inch of our skin in contact and damp with sweat, creating a vacuum of lust and love that held us together.

My nose was buried in the crook of her neck as I moved faster and harder, holding her still for me, going as deep inside her as I'd ever been. With her, it always felt like the first time, so overwhelming and all-consuming. I was fucking shaking with the pleasure I felt when I was inside her. She moaned near my ear and buried her fingers in my hair.

"Do you like that, Bella?" I asked her, nearly groaning the words into her ear as I kept up the hard rhythm of my hips against hers.

"Oh, God, yes," she gasped, her hands tightening further on the hair at the base of my neck. Wrapping the soft strands of her hair around my fist, I let my other hand skim down, over her ass to just above her knee. My thumb swept over the delicate skin at the back of her knee as I raised her leg to rest on my shoulder.

I thrust harder, my hand sliding up to grip the very top of her thigh as I leaned forward and covered her mouth with mine. I'd never been so deep inside her. Holding her closer to me, I dragged her hips over the edge of the counter. Her weight was negligible in my arms. She couldn't be too close; I'd never have enough of her. I felt her soft, hot lips where my neck and shoulder met and I groaned.

Then she fucking bit me.

"Jesus, Bella!" I rasped, sliding my hand under her ass and digging in with my fingertips. She laughed against my skin, the hot waft of her breath intensifying the pain/pleasure of her mouth on my flesh. Her leg slid down my bicep to rest in the crook of my elbow, while she dug her other heel into the back of my thigh. She overwhelmed me…I could feel her all around me, surrounding me, _taking me_, just as she said she would.

My climax boiled at the base of my spine and spread outward, sending tendrils of pleasure to every part of me. I gritted my teeth and pressed my forehead harder to her shoulder, trying to fight off my release until she came.

"So fucking good," I moaned, unable to keep the words inside. "Bella, I can't…I'm gonna cum." My arms and legs trembled as I fucked her harder, biting my lip until I tasted blood at the feeling of her tightening around me. I knew she hadn't reached her peak yet, but I couldn't wait any longer. Memories from last night bombarded me as I pushed into her relentlessly, unable to control my need for her.

"I want you to cum, Edward," she whispered, her lips latching onto my earlobe. Her fingers tightened in my hair before one hand slid to clutch between my shoulder blades.

"Bella," I managed between labored breaths, "Not without you. I have to make you feel good."

"You always make me feel good, Edward," she said, ending the last syllable of my name with a moan. "Give yourself to me. Let me take you."

I groaned as I wound her hair more tightly in my fist, pulling sharply and exposing the creamy expanse of her neck. My lips fastened to her shoulder in the same spot she'd bitten me, and I let go. My hips slapped against hers, the raw sound filling the silent apartment the perfect accompaniment to the heavy gasps and moans coming from both of us.

"Fuck…oh, fuck…" My voice was gritty and desperate as the pressure built inside to an unbearable pitch, then exploded in intense waves of bliss. I froze for a few moments, absorbing the amazing sensations that came from being inside this woman, the one I loved, and the feeling of having her possess me so completely. She rubbed her hands over my back as I breathed against her neck in hot bursts, utterly unable to speak. I leaned on the counter, resting Bella on the edge as I recovered.

"I love you," she whispered, bringing both hands to hold my cheeks. I swallowed convulsively and laid soft kisses along her collar bone as I caught my breath. When I finally lifted my head to meet her eyes, they were warm and alive, the deep, rich tones of coffee and cinnamon sucking me in. Pride and desperation hit me in alternating flashes of hot and cold; I was so proud of how far she'd come, yet the desperate yearning to keep her with me forever, no matter what, always followed close behind.

I let those feelings lead me as I crushed my lips to hers and picked her up once again before stalking to her bathroom so we could both get ready for the day ahead. I didn't know how many times I told her I loved her there in the thick, heavy steam, but I knew I made damn sure that she knew no one would love her as much as I did. I also made sure she was fucking satisfied. She deserved all that was good and perfect in this world, and I'd be damned if she'd get it from anyone but me.

***

We never did eat breakfast. I dressed and packed up leftover slices of cake while Bella got ready. I grinned as she stepped into the kitchen, dressed for the warm spring day in a white wifebeater over some kind of lacy black tank and a pair of worn jeans. She'd forgone her usual docs or chucks for a pair of black flip-flops that showed off her cute little painted toenails. The color was very dark, which looked black to me, but she'd insisted that they held a faint red sheen. She'd mumbled something about Alice picking out her favorite shade: Midnight in Moscow. I didn't give a shit what it was called; the dark color looked so fucking good on her little feet.

Her hair flowed over her shoulders in glossy brown waves, a sign of the remarkable difference in her appearance since she'd entered recovery. She'd always been beautiful to me, but now, she seemed to glow with inner radiance and spirit. Her skin was pink and supple, and the ever-present purplish smudges beneath her eyes were gone. Her cheeks were fuller now, rounded to perfection. I was ready to forget the food and picnic to throw her over my shoulder and carry her to the bedroom, despite the hours we'd spent together this morning. There was never a time when I didn't want her.

I realized I was leering at her when she blushed and dropped her gaze to somewhere near my feet. My eyes trailed down to the large silver cuff she wore on her left wrist, which dampened my lustful thoughts. To anyone else, it was a fashionable accessory, but I knew what lay beneath the hammered silver. Not wanting to ruin the intimate connection we'd forged or the easy camaraderie we shared, I ignored the unease I felt at seeing the cuff. _It's just a bracelet_, I said to myself.

"Ready to go?" I asked with a smile.

"Yes," she answered, taking a deep breath as she grabbed the grey hoodie hanging over the back of a barstool. I'd been just about ready to suggest she bring a jacket in case the afternoon became cooler, and the pride I felt at the fact that she was making such an effort to take care of herself was overwhelming.

I grabbed the plastic container filled with cake as she snatched her little messenger bag from the coat rack next to the door. While we were in the elevator, she fished for a pair of sunglasses in the main compartment of her bag. I smirked at her when she perched them on top of her head, because both of us knew that sunglasses in Seattle were about as useful as galoshes in the middle of the desert. She caught me and shrugged.

"You never know," she explained, grinning, as she leaned her shoulder against mine. "Wait –" she gasped dramatically, her eyes widening in a hilarious caricature of alarm. "Did I just say something optimistic?" I laughed at her and slung an arm around her shoulders. We rode the rest of the way in silence. Although she was laughing and teasing on the outside, the tension in her lithe muscles and the tiny, tense lines fanning outward from her eyes let me know she was anything but relaxed and carefree.

I took her hand as we exited on the ground floor; unable to figure out how to reassure her that today's activities would be good things. I made sure she was settled in the car; the cake stashed safely in the back seat, before I shut the door and entered the driver's side.

"Where are we going today?" she asked as I pulled out into traffic and headed toward West Seattle. I laced my fingers with hers and rested our hands on the console before answering. My touch always seemed to have a calming effect on her, and I knew she could use all the comfort in the world right now.

"Lincoln Park. Have you been there? It's really beautiful this time of year, with all the spring leaves and flowers. There's beach access and amazing views of the sound." It was a favorite park of mine, even if it was a bit out of the way. The quiet trails and endless vistas of mountains, water and greenery never failed to take my breath away. I looked over at Bella, realizing that she had the same effect on me.

"No, I haven't, but it sounds absolutely perfect," she said, attempting a small smile. I squeezed her hand, rubbing the back with my thumb in soft strokes.

"You'll love it, I promise."

She was silent until I merged onto the I-5. I watched out of the corner of my eye as her free hand drew little circles on the weathered denim covering her thigh.

"Edward?" she asked quietly, looking down at her lap and that restless finger tracing designs on her leg.

"What is it, love?" I squeezed her hand as I glanced over at her before returning my focus to the highway.

"What if Charlotte doesn't like me? What if Emmett…what if he still…" she stammered. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she finally spoke again. I squeezed her hand in mine, trying to reassure her with the warmth of my fingers. "I guess I'm just nervous." She sighed as she finished, shifting restlessly in her seat.

"Bella," I began, using my most soothing voice, "Charlotte will love you. She'll be able to tell that you make me very happy. Just be yourself. You're witty and sweet, and when you smile that lovely, warm smile, everyone will be a goner. I know I was," I teased, trying to ease her nervousness. She returned my gesture with a shy, sweet grin, that beautiful, warm pink spreading over her cheeks.

"Charlotte is a great kid. She's not shy, or spoiled, despite my best attempts," I said with a wry smile. "I promise you, she'll love having a new girl to play with." I bit back a grimace, hoping that I didn't sound trite or like my life had been a revolving door full of women so far.

_I wasn't a ladies' man. Far from it_.

My life in Chicago had been consumed with work, filled with making connections to get ahead; money had always been the number one priority in that lifestyle. I'd certainly succeeded on the money front.

I'd had a few girlfriends, but none of them had affected me like Bella had, from the first glimpse of her face to the shiny fall of rich, chocolaty hair. From the first time I'd set eyes upon her in Denali, some intrinsic, primal part of me had known she was mine. I needed to save her and care for her, hold her to me and help her to heal. She was a fragile bird with a broken wing, and I'd set out to earn her trust from the very beginning so I could help her to become free and independent once more. I just hoped that once she was as whole as she could be, she would choose to spend her life with me.

Only I'd gone about it in the most fucked up way possible. Everything would have been perfect, if I hadn't lied to her.

I still didn't know how to tell her what I'd done, but at this point in our relationship I wasn't ready to divulge my secret. It would only reopen wounds that were barely healing. She needed time to heal, time to build confidence in herself and her new thought patterns.

So what if I'd done my research? As far as I was concerned, her future was _my_ future, and I wanted to be as prepared as possible for what was to come. I was completely dedicated to her recovery from alcoholism and the underlying condition of her depression. She hadn't spoken to me much about it, but I knew that scars like the one on her wrist didn't come from a simple case of the seasonal blues. Her emotional trauma was serious, and I knew she needed professional help to be able to deal with it.

I just prayed that Dr. Weber would be able to help her. I refused to think of the alternative, because I didn't know what would happen to me if Bella couldn't recover.

"You're very quiet this morning," she observed, her voice barely audible over the music playing in the background. I stiffened as I recognized the soft piano accompaniment to Trent Reznor's haunting vocals.

_What have I become? My sweetest friend… Everyone I know…goes away in the end…_

I ground my teeth and tightened my fingers on the steering wheel as I drove, trying to discount the lyrics that seemed to mirror my life at the moment.

"Sorry," I muttered, still trying to think of a way to keep this trip positive for her. Everything was about Bella and her happiness. Nothing else mattered. "Stupid traffic." I knew it was a poor excuse, but she didn't question me; she only angled her body toward me in her seat and placed her other hand on top of the one already joined with mine. I glanced in her direction and was pleased to see a small smile curving her lips as her eyes fell closed.

When we pulled into the parking area about fifteen minutes later, Bella was still sleeping soundly. I hated to wake her; she looked so peaceful and I knew she needed the rest. I quietly got out of the car and retrieved the blanket I always kept in the trunk before collecting the cake from the back seat. Emmett's Jeep wasn't in the parking lot yet, so we had a little time before we needed to put on our "company" faces. I decided to let her sleep until they arrived.

Leaving the blanket and cake on the trunk of the car, I sat in the driver's seat once again, my eyes greedily taking in the relaxed set of her face. I couldn't resist reaching out to stroke one finger down the apple of her cheek. Barely resisting the urge to pull her into my lap and cradle her as she slept, I contented myself with simply watching her, deluding my brain into thinking I was protecting her from whatever horrors chased her in her nightmares.

_***_

"She's really good with Lottie," Emmett observed as we lay back on our elbows atop the picnic blanket.

"She is," I agreed softly, my eyes fixed on the vision before me. Charlotte picked her way on unsteady legs across the pebbled beach, occasionally picking up rocks in her chubby fingers and showing them to Bella, who followed closely behind. They'd become instant friends. When Emmett had arrived, Charlotte had raced over to me on her short little legs as soon as Emmett set her on the ground.

_"Unca Ehwar," she squealed, throwing her hands up at me. I could never resist those dark curls and bright blue eyes. For a moment, I had a vision of an entirely different little girl, one with my green eyes and Bella's beautiful, espresso-colored curls. Shaking it off before I made an ass of myself, I swung her into my arms and said hello, giving her a tight squeeze that made her giggle. "Squishy," she protested, and I loosened my grip. Bella stood to my side and slightly behind me, looking on shyly._

_"Hello, Bella," Emmett said warmly. "It's good to see you. You look great. What's Edward been feeding you?" he joked, trying his best to lighten the moment, as always. _

_"It's more like what I've been feeding him," she mumbled with a smile. "I've been baking a lot. But thank you, Emmett," she added as an afterthought to his compliment, that beautiful flush staining her cheeks._

_"Wait until you taste the cake she made last night," I said, poking Charlotte in the nose as she gasped and grinned at the mention of sweets. _

_"Cake?" Emmett asked with a grin. He was just as addicted to sugary things as Charlotte and me. _

_"Texas sheet cake," Bella explained. "I promise you've never tasted anything like it." Her smile was wide, but she spoke quickly and her eyes were tense. I could feel the waves of nervous energy rolling off of her. She fiddled with the silver cuff on her wrist absently, and I reached out to wrap an arm around her._

_"Miss Charlotte, there's someone I'd like you to meet," I said seriously, bringing Bella closer to me while I spoke. "This is Miss Bella." I met and held Bella's gaze for a moment before she smiled warmly and gave a little finger wave to my niece._

_"Hi there, Miss Charlotte," she said softly, and I couldn't help the goofy smile that took residence on my face at their exchange. _

_"You're pwetty," Charlotte said, reaching out to grab a lock of Bella's hair. _

_"Not as pretty as you," Bella answered, leaning closer so Charlotte didn't pull on her hair too much._

_"Daddy and Unca Ehwar say I'm a pwincess," she said matter-of-factly._

_"I knew it!" Bella exclaimed, carefully removing the pudgy hand from her hair and kissing it with her head bowed. "Your Highness," she acknowledged, sneaking a wink at me. I noticed she was less tense under my arm that encircled her shoulders. Charlotte squealed and reached for Bella, deigning that she should be the one to carry her to the picnic spot._

_Bella looked rapidly from me to Emmett, her eyes questioning. Emmett grinned and laughed at her._

_"Looks like you're the lucky one that gets to carry Lazy Lottie here," he joked, reaching out and pinching her cheek, eliciting an adorable giggle from his daughter. "She never walks anywhere. All it takes is one look and everyone melts." He sighed loudly and brushed an imaginary piece of lint off his shoulder. "She gets it from her father."_

_I rolled my eyes and carefully transferred Charlotte to Bella's waiting arms. She held the little girl carefully as chubby arms and legs wound around her slender body like a spider monkey. I watched them with a dazed grin while Bella and Charlotte held a private conversation, both of them looking conspiratorially at us men and giggling. Emmett elbowed me, snorting as he handed me the cooler full of picnic shit he'd brought. He grabbed the blanket and cake, starting ahead of me._

_"Onward! To the beach!" he shouted dramatically as he started forward, his long strides eating up the ground. _

_"How much food did you pack in here?" I grumbled, scrambling to catch up with them. _

_"Enough," Emmett said shortly, quirking an eyebrow at me. _

_"No shit," I complained, thankful the cooler had wheels and a handle._

_"What? Is it too heavy for you, little bro?" _

_"Suck it," I said, making sure it wasn't so loud that Charlotte could hear it. Emmett had a foul enough mouth; I didn't want Rose blaming me for adding to her daughter's rather colorful vocabulary._

_***_

"How is she doing?" Emmett asked, bringing me out of my reverie. I sat up, still watching Bella work magic with my niece…I could almost see our future as I stared at them. I wanted it so badly; I just didn't know if I could make it happen, with the way I had royally fucked myself.

"She's better," I said noncommittally, reaching out to pick at some grass at the edge of the blanket. We were silent for a few moments. Emmett was too fucking perceptive for his own good. Maybe it was the former cop in him; I wasn't sure. I felt compelled to fill the silence, so I kept going. "She told me she loves me."

"Well, that's pretty fucking obvious, E. But I'm glad she actually said the words." He paused for a moment, his brows furrowing as he chose his next words carefully. "Edward…she was broken when I met her. Absolutely removed from reality." I closed my eyes, trying to shove the fabricated images my mind shoved at me, those of a broken and bloodied Bella, shivering and crying for her mother, knowing that she'd never have that contact again.

"Emmett…stop. I know. I can't hear it from you anymore. Bella has told me about it. I can't… God, I love her. I can't take it." Bringing my knees up, I crossed my arms over them and dropped my forehead. I stared at the blanket between my knees, my entire body vibrating with tension, hoping against hope that Emmett wouldn't bring up the secret I kept from Bella.

Of course, that was the very next thing he chose to discuss.

"Have you told her yet?" His expression was stern; when I met his eyes, his features further constricted in anger. "Edward, you know you're only hindering yourself here! That girl doesn't trust just anyone, and she's just admitted she loves you! How do you think she's going to feel when she finds out that one of the few people she trusts in this world has been lying to her?" he asked angrily. I shot a glance at Bella and Charlotte, who were blissfully unaware of our conversation as they collected pretty rocks and dipped their feet in the cold surf.

"Emmett, she's only barely into her recovery; she's doing so well! What if it causes her to relapse again? I need to wait," I pleaded, searching his eyes with urgency. I was convinced that admitting my mistakes would only impair her progress toward sobriety, and that was the last thing I wanted. It might have been selfish, but I also knew that she was extremely fragile at this point in her self-discovery and recovery process; I didn't want anything to do with something that might push her over the edge. "I love her, and she loves me. I can't do that to her," I finished, my voice falling to a whisper.

"What the fuck do you think it will do to her when she finds out?" he demanded. "You're screwing yourself here, Edward. That's all I can say. I don't know what else I can do to convince you to be honest. I'm done playing big brother. You won't take my advice, so I'm going to stop giving it. I just hope you can handle the fallout when she finds out the truth."

Our discussion was interrupted by a high-pitched scream. Emmett immediately recognized his daughter's voice, leaping to his feet as Bella ran toward us, cradling Charlotte in her arms. She met my eyes in panic as she reached us.

"I think she cut her foot on a shell," she said rapidly, tears filling her eyes. She looked at Emmett as she handed his daughter over, her gaze pleading. "I'm so sorry, Emmett! I guess I wasn't watching closely enough."

"Bella, it's fine," Emmett said with a smile as he checked Charlotte's foot. "This little one's gotten herself into things that are much worse." His expression was so patient, even as his daughter was screaming and crying in his ear.

"Bella, it's okay," I murmured, wrapping my arms around her, stroking her hair with one hand. She was trembling, glancing at Emmett like he was going to start screaming at her or beat her. "Accidents happen, baby. It's not your fault," I assured her.

"Lottie, you're fine, sweetie," Emmett whispered, sitting on the blanket to inspect the shallow cut on the arch of her tiny foot. Ever the prepared father, he reached into the cooler and pulled out a first-aid kit, cleaning the cut and bandaging it quickly. "You're okay, honey," he crooned, rocking her in his arms.

I looked down at Bella, who was watching Emmett with a curious expression on her face. I wiped salty tears from her cheeks as she stared and trembled harder. She bit her lip and shook her head minutely, as if she was trying to clear her thoughts before she rested her head against my shoulder.

"What is it, Bella?" I asked, hugging her tightly.

"Nothing," she whispered absently. "I should have been watching more closely."

"Baby, it was an accident. Did I ever tell you about the time I was swinging her around by her arms and I dislocated her shoulder? I thought Rose was going to chop off all my extremities after we got back from the emergency room," I joked, trying to lighten her mood. Her eyes were still fixed on Emmett and Charlotte as he soothed his daughter, the strangest look of recognition on her face.

Cold tremors suddenly washed over me. Emmett had said he'd been the one to carry Bella from the murder scene in Phoenix. _Oh, God…she didn't recognize him _now_, did she_?

"Are you okay?" I whispered tentatively, kissing her temple and running a hand through her hair.

"I'm fine," she answered roughly, pulling away and scrubbing her face with her hands. Her eyes widened as she grabbed my wrist, looking for my watch – which, of course, was no longer there, but in her bag.

"We need to go soon, right? You'll want to get to Dr. Weber's office with enough time to fill out the new patient paperwork." I rubbed her upper arms as I spoke, trying to touch her as much as I could, to offer reassurance and comfort. She nodded and absently turned to the blanket, gathering up the stray remnants of our picnic lunch. As it turned out, it wasn't my words that brought the smile back to her face.

"Bella, you kiss it better?" Charlotte implored, holding out her foot while she sat in her daddy's lap. A radiant smile graced her beautiful face, once again making my heart clench at the picture before me – except I imagined it was our daughter she was comforting.

"Of course, Lottie," Bella said, kissing the bandage gently. "All better now?" Charlotte nodded, wiping stray tears from her cheeks and sniffing loudly as we all stood to make our way back to the car. She held her arms up to Bella, who lifted her effortlessly, bracing her tiny bottom on her forearm while she patted Charlotte's back gently.

By the time we reached the parking area, she was sound asleep, and Bella was smiling freely again. Once Charlotte was securely fastened into her car seat, we loaded the empty cooler into Emmett's trunk and said our goodbyes. The look Emmett gave me as he got into his car spoke volumes.

I ignored him.

Bella was silent while we drove back toward the city, a contemplative look on her face as she stared absently out the window. Deciding to play ignorant, I left her alone, simply enfolding her hand in mine as I drove. She smiled slightly at me – it was her real smile, so I took comfort in that. I only hoped she wouldn't put things together until I had the chance to tell her myself.

Surely someone up there would be willing to cut me some slack. Right?

* * *

**_Lyrics for "Hurt" belong to Trent Reznor/NIN._**

**_Thoughts? I'd love to hear them. Again, I apologize for the long wait. Thanks for sticking with me on this one. _**

**_Need some funny as hell fluff? My rec - "Expectations of Success," by LASMKE: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5357763/1/Expectations_of_Success_**

**_Read it, laugh, and show her some love._**


	16. Chapter 16: Baby Steps

**A/N: This chapter contains subjects of a violent nature and suicidal activity. It is lighter and in less detail than previous chapters that have described some aspects of Bella's past, but I'm throwing the warning out there in case anyone may want to avoid any triggers. It's toward the last third of the chapter.**

**All the thanks in the world to my girls, AmeryMarie and EchoesOfTwilight/echoingsilence, for pre-reading. My husband is jealous of you both.**

* * *

_She was sick and tired of being invisible  
Hard to see in color when you're miserable_

_Veronika, Saint Veronika  
You can't leave this world behind  
So be strong enough, to hold on to us  
We're still right here by your side_

_No one ever thought that she was capable  
And the damage done is irreversible…_

"Saint Veronika" – Billy Talent

* * *

**Chapter 16: Baby Steps**

I sat in the empty waiting room in Dr. Weber's office, staring blindly at the paperwork in front of me. I was almost finished completing the patient information, but my mind was tearing off on tangents left and right. I couldn't figure out the overwhelming sensation of _déjà-vu_ that had come over me while Emmett comforted Lottie. I didn't know what was so familiar about the scene to me; I had no family other than Charlie, no cousins or nieces or nephews who'd been injured and needed comfort from me or a parent.

The sensation settled in the back of my brain, burrowing deep and coating itself in the hundreds of other thoughts racing through my mind. It was there, like a mass of cells dividing and growing, becoming part of my neural networks and making itself at home. I shook my head, hoping to clear away the whirlwind of thoughts as I focused on the sheet in front of me.

_**Have you ever experienced thoughts of death? If so, have you attempted to act on them?**_

_Why do I have to answer all these fucking questions? All Dr. Weber would have to do was take a good look at my left arm to know the truth. That is, if I was stupid enough to let my bracelet slip._

Of course I'd "experienced thoughts of death." I had years filled with thoughts of how I'd planned to kill myself slowly with alcohol after my initial attempt had failed. I squeezed my eyes shut and gritted my teeth, trying to breathe through the anger and disappointment that permeated my head. But the overwhelming sense of failure that followed me daily was the most prominent feeling.

I'd failed to save my mother.

I'd failed to connect with my father.

I'd already failed once in my journey to sobriety.

If I gauged my future on past experience, I would fail with Edward. I knew it.

Sitting there in the sterile office, staring at the pale blue walls that were meant to be soothing and the green plants placed strategically throughout the waiting area, the fear threatened to overwhelm me.

If only I had something to calm my nerves – a drink would have done nicely. For the first time since my relapse, my mouth began to water as I remembered the soothing burn of the alcohol as it hit the back of my throat. I could feel the warm glow that engulfed my stomach as it went down, radiating outward until I was warm all over. My hand shook as I filled out the rest of the form frantically, the erratic loops of my lettering jumping out in harsh black against the white of the page.

When I finished, I took the clipboard to the receptionist, carefully picking my way back to my seat and forcing myself to lean back into the chair. It was a great effort to keep my shoulders from curling inward and hugging my knees to my chest. My natural instinct was to make myself as small as possible, like a tiny rodent hiding from a cat. I began to regret my refusal of Edward's offer to wait with me.

I knew it had hurt him; my insistence that I needed to do this alone. I'd also wanted to drive myself, but Edward had insisted on driving me and picking me up when the session was over.

"_Bella, I worry about you. I'm not trying to make you feel incapable, but it would make me feel so much better if you'd let me drive you and pick you up," he told me, his handsome face tight with lines of apprehension. "I want to be there for you in case you need me, for _any _reason. Celebration, comfort, consolation…anything. I'll be there for anything you need."_

His words had been so fervent, so sincere, that I'd given in without much argument. He was compromising for me, and I felt the need to return the gesture. Since long before I'd told him I loved him, I'd considered myself his completely. For the first time since I'd left Phoenix, I cared about something, someone. I didn't even bother to protect myself from him anymore, even though I constantly worried that I would do something unforgivable and hurt him beyond repair. I was ready for it.

I knew Edward was strong and would live through whatever the future held for him. I wanted so badly for that future to include me, but I knew the odds weren't in my favor. For now, I would live in the moment and enjoy every bit of time we had together. My leg bounced nervously and I slapped my hand to my thigh to still it. I pictured Edward's face as I sat rigidly in the seat, remembering how I'd felt when he'd dropped me off in front of the huge building that housed the suite of offices that Dr. Weber and her colleagues occupied.

***

_The skyscraper towered in front of us as Edward smoothly brought the car to a stop. The shiny, black glass-covered building was intimidating. I could almost feel the weight of its shadow as it pressed down upon me, taking on the life of my addiction and threatening to overwhelm me. I jumped as two valet attendants came up to assist us, but he got out and waved them off as he came around to help me from the car. _

"_I'm just dropping her off," he explained, sending a friendly grin their way. When he returned his gaze to mine, those beautiful lips still held a hint of curve, but his bright jade eyes were dark with concern. He rubbed his thumbs gently over my eyebrows, trying to smooth the lines of worry I knew were etched between my eyes. The warmth of his palms soothed my cheeks before he slid his hands into the fine hair at my temples and cupped my head in his hands. I stepped closer to him, hooking my fingers in his belt loops._

"_I'll be right here in an hour. I promise. And if you need me, call. Anytime," he insisted, searching my eyes in that intense way he always did; the probing stare that made me feel like he could see into my very soul. I nodded, gripping his belt loops so tightly that I could feel the skin over my knuckles stretching to its limit._

"_I just want to get this over with, Edward," I whispered, the words flying out of my mouth on a shaky breath. "I'm afraid." Half of my brain told me the fear was irrational; that it was necessary to heal and grow and become a person worthy of Edward's love. The other half…well, that was a different story. That half insisted that this could only bring up awful memories; warned me that speaking of the events in Phoenix with a complete stranger was an awful idea._

_Leaning forward and resting his lips on the shell of my ear, he whispered, "I can go with you, Bella. Just say the word. I don't mind sitting in the waiting room for a while. This will be so good for you, baby…even if it makes you uncomfortable in the beginning, I truly believe this will help you." He pulled back to take in my reaction as my arms prickled in response to his hot breath flowing over the paper-thin skin of my ear._

_Taking a deep breath, I said, "Thank you, Edward. That means so much to me. But I think I need to do this on my own. I can't have you attached to my side twenty-four hours a day to hold my hand through difficult situations." My smile was small and tremulous, but I knew he caught it. _

"_I wouldn't mind, you know," he replied, his tone light and teasing, even though I knew it was anything but. _

"_I know…but I'd like to try," I choked out, my voice strained by emotion and the affection I could see in his eyes._

"_I know. Doesn't keep me from dwelling on it like a fucking mother hen," he joked, nearly succeeding in lightening the mood. I brought my hands up from his waistband to encircle his shoulders as I raised myself on tiptoe to squeeze him tightly._

"_Thank you," I whispered fiercely, suddenly not ready to let go of him. My lips were pressed into the crook of his neck; I felt his shiver as his hands tightened in my hair and he leaned his cheek against the crown of my head._

_He pulled back suddenly, never taking his hands from me, pleading with his eyes before he swept in and covered my lips with his. I forgot all about the valet attendants and every single car that passed us on the busy downtown street. He warmed me, held me and surrounded me, his lips moving with mine…perfection. The kiss was slow and heated, chaste yet explicit, until his hand slid forward to cup my cheek and his thumb pressed against my jaw. I opened to him, meeting his tongue with mine immediately, wet velvet meshing and sliding together. His hand trembled as he stroked over my cheek and probed deeper, his kiss arousing yet comforting, letting me know that no matter what, _he_ was there for me. _

_Whistles and catcalls interrupted our moment, and we reluctantly pulled apart. Edward was smirking wickedly at me, but his eyes held the sincerity and depth of feeling that conveyed the true meaning of the kiss. My cheeks flamed as I licked my lower lip and took a step back, savoring his touch as one hand slid down my arm to lace our fingers together._

_I peeked over his shoulder at the valet attendants, who suspiciously looked away when I met their eyes. _

"_Hey – don't worry about them," Edward said softly, squeezing my hand. "It's just you and me. I'll see you very soon, remember that. I'll be waiting for you." He pressed a kiss to my forehead and backed away, keeping hold of my hand until the very last second._

_Before our connection was severed completely, I blurted, "I love you," and gave him my best attempt at a smile. He grinned at me and made a series of hand movements, beginning with one finger pointing at his eye, then a palm over his heart, then pointing at me. "You are such a dork," I laughed, earning another smirk as he got into the car. I watched fondly as he pulled into traffic, once again marveling that this wonderful man had come into my life._

_***_

"Ms. Swan?" a soft female voice inquired, shocking me out of my memory. I shot up out of my seat, dropping my bag in my haste. Edward's watch tumbled out and I froze, gooseflesh prickling me all over as I picked up my belongings. He'd never asked me to return it, so I kept it, using it as a talisman of sorts.

"That's me," I said hoarsely as I swung the strap of my bag over my shoulder, still clutching the watch in my hand.

"I'm Dr. Weber," the woman said warmly, extending her hand. I quickly slipped the large watch onto my wrist and we clasped hands as she smiled at me. "Why don't you go ahead and have a seat. It's the first office on the left. I'll be with you in just a few moments." I nodded and made my way to the door.

It was a plush little office, with more healthy plants near the window and two overstuffed armchairs facing the mid-sized mahogany desk. The entire area was neat and organized; a neat stack of files occupying one corner of the desk, while a sleek laptop graced the other side. The walls were once again painted a "calming" blue, yet did nothing to ease my anxiety. My muscles were stiff and uncooperative as I moved to the spot I felt was the furthest from Dr. Weber's desk.

I sat up straight in the chair, holding my bag in front of me like a shield and gripping Edward's watch with my left hand. My eyes flicked from one thing to another; taking in the abstract paintings lining the wall above her desk before settling on the prominent bookshelf that took up an entire wall. I stared at the titles as I waited.

_**Shame, Guilt and Alcoholism: Treatment Issues in Clinical Practice**_

_Wonderful. Let's just cover all my issues in one book, shall we? _I rolled my eyes and snorted at the empty room before continuing to peruse my soon-to-be-therapist's book collection. There were other titles concerning addiction and alcoholism, but the first one was the only one that struck home for me.

I moved on to the next shelf, dispassionately and skeptically eyeing each title, until I came to the final book in the neat row of perfectly positioned novels.

_**Psychological Trauma and Addiction Treatment**_

Psychological trauma. How could two insignificant words begin to describe what had happened to me that night? My jaw clenched in anger as I continued to peruse the bookshelf. So many books…all dealing with addiction, depression, abuse and other myriad morbid situations and mental conditions. What did the authors of these books know? Had they been there? Had they ever tried to claw themselves back from the brink of total desperation?

Had they ever lain shivering in a bathtub, clutching a razorblade and praying for the strength to make that first cut?

_God. How can I cope with this? It's taken months for me to feel comfortable enough with Edward to tell him what happened. It's not like I can just nonchalantly mention that I murdered my stepfather when he'd tried to kill me and had succeeded in killing my mother – after he'd tried to sexually assault me and make me into one of his long line of victims…_

I was shaken out of my panicked thoughts when Dr. Weber walked through the door. She smiled warmly and settled not at her desk, but in the chair right next to mine, turning it to face me directly. I swallowed back my surprise and discomfort to study her as she tucked one leg underneath her and opened the manila folder she carried. She was a petite Asian woman, very pretty, with small, rectangular-shaped glasses and stick-straight, jet-black hair. She was dressed casually in a pair of nearly black trouser-cut jeans and a cream sweater.

_It's a trick… to put you at ease_, a snide inner voice cautioned. _Don't fall for it. She'll use it to pry and dig until she has you and your little brain dissected into pieces._

I realized she'd been studying me just as hard as I'd been eyeing her. She smiled again as I met her eyes.

"Isabella," she began, leaning forward in her seat and bracing her elbows on the arms of the chair. "May I call you Isabella?"

"It's just Bella, Dr. Weber," I answered, only detecting a tiny bit of tremor in my voice. I was proud of myself for that.

"Bella it is, then." She nodded emphatically, as if we'd just had some sort of major breakthrough. I wanted to laugh at her. "But please, call me Angela," she stated, still nodding.

I suddenly pictured her as a bobble-head doll, the movement of her head never-ending.

"Okay," I choked out, barely containing the hysterical laughter that threatened to escape. She raised an eyebrow at me, but said nothing, assessing me for a few more moments.

Finally, she spoke. "So how are you today?" I simply stared at her. I raised my hand to my lips to make sure my jaw wasn't hanging open.

"_That's_ what you're going to ask me?" I blurted, still surprised at her tactics. Her smile faded, her expression becoming soft, yet determined.

_It's another tactic to get you to trust her_, the cynical voice whispered again.

"Well, Bella, it's a very important question. What happens here in this office is all about _you_. _Your_ feelings, your thoughts, your hopes for yourself, all of it. I'm here for _you_. Nothing goes beyond the walls of this office.

"I've reviewed the small bit of your history that you disclosed when you made the appointment, and I can tell you with certainty that this will not be easy for you," she said earnestly. "So let's start with something simple." She smiled again, and I allowed myself to release some of the tension from my shoulders. "How are you today?" she repeated.

I fought back the mean, cynical voice and decided that if I wanted to change, to get better, I had to try.

"I'm good today." My voice was soft, still cautious, yet I was determined to make this work. "I had a really great day, actually."

Angela said nothing, and I felt the urge to continue, simply to fill the silence. _Tricky tricky_, the cynical voice muttered. I ignored it and told her about sharing the day with Edward and his family at the park and how much I'd enjoyed playing with Lottie. She was still silent, so I kept on, some kind of weird compulsion urging me to speak. Basically chronicling my life since I'd met Edward and reconnected with Alice, I told her about my decision to stop drinking, my subsequent relapse, and my complete and utter relief when Edward had stayed with me through it all.

"And Edward…he's your boyfriend?" she interjected casually. I nodded, absently touching the band of his watch. The metal had warmed to the temperature of my skin, and I pretended it was his hand gently encircling my wrist. "How long have you been together?"

"A few months. We met in February." I looked at my lap and fiddled with the cuff bracelet.

"So you were together before you made the decision to go into recovery." It wasn't a question, but a statement.

"Yes. He and my best friend, Alice, helped me to realize that I… I was killing myself."

"That must have been a very hard choice to make, Bella. It's very good that you have a support system like that," she observed. Several moments passed as we stared at one another.

Again, I was compelled to fill the silence. Damn, she was good. "I love them both," I whispered. "I wouldn't be here without them."

"Why do I get the feeling you're not talking specifically about this appointment?"

I looked up at her in shock, biting my lip hard to control the chills that attacked me. What came next was even more upsetting.

"Tell me about your life before Edward. How was your family life?"

I was silent for a moment, fighting to keep the tears from my eyes. Better to just get it out there, so she could understand how fucked up I truly was.

"My parents are divorced. My mom left when I was seven months old, and I only saw my dad for about two weeks every summer until I was seventeen." Angela nodded yet remained silent once more.

"My mom and I were really close. We were always more like sisters than mother and daughter. Everything was perfect until she got remarried. I was a junior in high school." I thought briefly about stopping right there. I didn't know if I could make it through what I had to say next. My hands clenched in my lap to hide the tremors I knew would be visible. Using the pain of my short nails digging into my palms, I attempted to center myself.

Somewhat distanced from the emotions, I began in a flat voice. "A little less than a year after they were married, I was beaten and nearly sexually assaulted by my stepfather. My mother caught him and he turned on her. I managed to get the gun out of the safe in their bedroom, but by the time I came back downstairs, it was too late.

"He laughed at me when I pointed the gun at him. He didn't think I'd actually do it. _He was wrong_," I finished, blinking rapidly and losing the war against the tears that had built in my eyes. Angela handed me a tissue and let me compose myself before completely throwing me off kilter again.

She pointed at my wrist and the silver cuff bracelet.

"That's a beautiful piece of jewelry," she said speculatively. "You fiddle with it often while you speak. Does it hold some kind of special meaning?"

"It was my mother's," I answered softly, tension creeping throughout my entire frame. I hadn't even told Edward where I'd gotten the bracelet. I wore it as punishment to remind myself of what I'd done: how I'd failed to save my mother and later, failed to put myself out of my misery.

"It covers your scar very well." She met my eyes boldly, her nearly black irises daring me to deny her assumption.

"How did you know?" I demanded, my entire body tensing for flight. My first instinct was to run, to get myself as far away from this place as possible.

"I didn't know for sure, Bella, but you just confirmed my suspicions," she said gently, leaning forward even further. "It's okay. Please, you can talk to me about this. Tell me what happened," she implored. "I can help you through this, but you've got to trust me."

I stared at her, my eyes surprisingly dry, as I tried not to admire her skill. She'd lured me in and caught me so easily… I was ashamed of myself. Angela was a worthy adversary. But could I really think of her as an enemy, when she was supposed to be there to help me? My stomach swirled with indecision; my teeth chewing at my bottom lip as I rooted through my bag for some lip balm in an effort to cover my distress. Finding none, I threw my bag to the ground in frustration and leaned forward on my elbows, staring at the industrial patterned carpet between my feet.

"I moved in with my father after Renee – my mom – died and the charges against me were dropped," I began…

***

_Forks, Washington was dreary and wet. According to several encyclopedias, it was the wettest place in the continental United States. I couldn't have cared less. Forks was the twin of my psyche. Always raining, always grey and gloomy; the hope of sunshine or happiness held a less than ten percent chance for any given day._

_I'd only met my father, Charlie, thirteen times that I could remember. Renee had told me that I'd spent two weeks with him every summer after they'd separated. I guess I'd been too young to remember the first few years I'd spent with him. But I did remember _him_, however. He was quiet, shy, like me, and didn't speak more than was absolutely necessary. I remembered long afternoons on the rivers and lakes in a small John-boat, fishing for salmon and whatever poor species of fish was hungry enough to take his bait those days._

_I loved my father, but I didn't _know_ him. He was kind and attentive, even if he wasn't the most affectionate type. He'd sat at my bedside in the hospital when I awoke, looking lost and bewildered. I barely managed a little wave before the tears came._

"_It's okay, baby girl," he'd murmured. "We'll get through this." I looked up at him through watery eyes, wondering how on earth he would accomplish his promise. I wanted nothing more than to disappear from the face of the earth, from history, to erase my existence from every record._

"_I'm sorry, Dad. I tried. I tried to save her," I gasped, hot tears dripping over my cheeks._

"_Oh, Bella…" he whispered, his voice gritty and strained. "I know you did. I know." _

_It was acquiescence. It wasn't forgiveness. Even my own father thought Renee's death had been my fault. _

_After I'd been released from the hospital and Renee had been removed from life support, he'd taken over; ensuring things were nicely wrapped up before we boarded a plane for Seattle. I slept for most of the flight, except when Charlie woke me periodically because I was nearly screaming in my sleep. The flight attendants looked at us strangely, but brought us a bottle of water and my dad gave me some pills. I didn't remember the rest of the flight._

_When we landed, he guided me through the busy airport and I followed in a fog, gathering my things from baggage claim and helping him tow them to a police cruiser that was waiting in the airport garage. He sat me in the passenger seat and made sure my seatbelt was fastened before he loaded my meager belongings into the trunk and backseat. I didn't remember the four-hour drive from the airport. The anti-anxiety medications I was constantly taking kept me in an insulating haze._

_I was in Forks, Washington. I had no more connection to Phoenix, Arizona. The house had been sold, the ashes had been buried, and I had nothing left but clothes that could only be worn two months out of the year here in the Pacific Northwest._

_Everything had been left to me. For some strange reason, Renee had been the beneficiary of James' will, and I, in turn, had been the beneficiary of hers. I had hundreds of thousands of dollars in a trust fund that would be available to me when I turned twenty-one._

_I didn't care what happened to the money. I didn't plan to be around to see it. I hadn't been alone since that night. Here, with my father, I would finally have the privacy to finish what James had begun. Since I hadn't been fast enough to save my mother, I didn't deserve to live. I was poison to everyone I touched, everyone I loved. This life would be better without me._

_Charlie got me settled into his little house, in a room still decorated with childlike art projects I didn't remember creating. A handprint Thanksgiving turkey was prominent over the little desk in the corner, but a double bed with a purple comforter dominated the room. Before Phoenix, purple had been my favorite color. Now, all I could think was that red and blue made purple. _Red… red blood in the moonlight, spreading like an oil spill over smooth white tile, coating everything in its path…

_We settled into a comfortable routine, dancing around actual conversation. He enrolled me in the local high school, where I avoided any and all contact with other students. I kept myself isolated and aloof, using my long hair as camouflage and sitting in the back of every classroom. After the first few days, __only one girl continued to try to speak with me: a petite little girl named Alice. Her bright hazel eyes were sincere and caring, but I couldn't bring myself to form any connection beyond acting as her lab partner in Biology. I wouldn't be here for long; there was no reason to become close to anyone and cause more pain than I already had in my short life._

_Two months after I'd arrived in Forks, my opportunity came. Charlie was working a double shift and it was a Saturday. I made my father his favorite meal of steak and baked potatoes Friday night and sat with him while he watched the game. He seemed pleased at my willingness to spend time with him. Little did he know that it was my final act as his daughter; the only thing I could think of to show him I appreciated all he'd done for me since I'd come to Forks._

_I spent the morning tidying my room and doing laundry; I didn't want Charlie to have to clean up after me when I was gone. I put together a pan of lasagna and several casseroles and placed them in the deep freeze, hoping that comfort food would help ease his pain. I wanted to do something in return after all he'd done for me, pointless as it had been. I was already damned._

_When the sun set, I took a fresh razorblade from Charlie's tool kit and ran a hot bath, stripping down to my bra and underwear. For some reason, I didn't want to be naked when they found me. I didn't know why it bothered me; I wouldn't know the difference either way, because I'd be in Hell where I belonged. _

_I didn't leave a note. My pathetic life didn't deserve one._

_I put no fragrant oils or gels into the bathwater – scorching hot, plain hard water was good enough for my purpose. I stepped in and hissed at the sting, watching as my skin flushed pink below the waterline. Pulling my knees to my chest, I stared at the shiny blade as I braced my left wrist against my knees. My eyes fluttered shut as I remembered that night…the last look in my mother's eyes - that look of disappointment and fear. The mad light in James's gaze as he dared me to pull the trigger; dared me to become just like him._

_With trembling hands, I pressed the blade into my flesh, surprised at how easily it gave underneath the sharp metal._

_It hurt, the harsh pain shooting bone-deep all the way to my shoulder. I cried out, trying to drag the razor up my arm, but I couldn't. I released a breath and opened my eyes to assess the damage. I realized the cut was not large enough to kill me. I tried twice more with the same result. Blood was now dripping off my wrist, lending a pink tinge to the bathwater surrounding me. I watched as a drop hit the surface and immediately diffused into tiny red particles._

_I wished I could diffuse into nothingness so easily. I _needed_ to._

_Taking a fortifying breath, I left my eyes open as I pressed the blade to my wrist once more. I watched while the cold metal sunk into my skin; I couldn't tear my eyes away as I dragged the razorblade in a long slice toward my elbow. I was screaming, but it wasn't in pain – it was in triumph. Blood flowed freely from the gash, quickly turning the water from pink to bright red. _

_I leaned back against the rear of the claw-foot tub, shakily transferring the blade from one hand to the other. Letting my head drop back onto the rim of the tub, I laughed, picturing all my pain pouring out through my blood. I didn't care where I was going; I only cared that this pain would stop. I laid there for a few minutes, laughing as a wonderful, peaceful relaxation swept through me. I knew I needed to cut my other wrist, but that could wait. For now, I would enjoy the feeling of death's cold breath coating my body above the hot water in the tub. I only wished I felt more pain, like my mother had when she'd been defending my life._

_That was my last thought before I awoke to harsh hospital lights and demanding doctors. I didn't see my father for three weeks. He left me there, in the psychiatric ward of the Port Angeles Hospital, to be studied and poked and prodded by psychiatrists who deemed me a threat to my own health. It was a betrayal I couldn't forgive. _

***

"Bella? Bella!" Angela said urgently, leaning forward to place her palm on my knee. I recoiled from the unfamiliar touch, blinking rapidly as I rubbed my scar firmly. I could still feel the sensation of cold metal slicing through my flesh.

"I'm sorry," I croaked. "It's hard to talk about. I haven't even told Edward yet. I mean, he knows about the scar, but..."

"It's okay, Bella. We're going to work through this. I promise you," she said, conviction and confidence plain in her tone. I was completely drained, and honestly, it was simply more convenient to believe what she said. I nodded, shutting down and floating through the rest of the session. I signed several release forms that would allow Angela to review my psychiatric records, and she helped me set up an appointment with a psychiatrist who would help me to decide if I needed pharmaceutical help to make it through this.

We set up another appointment for next week, and somehow I found myself in the elevator, carrying myself through the fugue of stress and shock. I stumbled as I stepped out of the elevator, catching myself and stopping short when I saw Edward sitting on a bench in the lavishly appointed lobby. He'd been watching for me, apparently, because he shot up and came to me in long strides. We stood inches from one another, both of us watching with questioning stares.

"You look like you could use a hug," he murmured, reaching out and trailing his fingertips down my arm.

"Only from you," I answered, my voice barely audible above the hum of people in the lobby. Before I was finished speaking, his arms were around me, enfolding me in the comfort and security that only he could give to me. I closed my eyes and breathed him in, leaning against him and drawing from his strength. "When did you get here?"

"I never left," he admitted, his arms tightening around me. "I couldn't do it. I drove around the block and left the car with the valets. I've been in the lobby the whole time. Are you mad?" He pulled back, searching my face while he slid his palms down my bare arms.

"No," I said, my lips curving in a slight smile. "I'm glad you're here.

"C'mon," he whispered. "Let's go home." He kept one arm wrapped around my waist as we left the building and waited for his car.

We picked up a pizza on the way home, and I was surprised to find that I was actually looking forward to eating. In fact, it smelled so wonderful that I tried to eat a piece in the car, but Edward threw a fit, worrying about his upholstery. I snapped the box closed and gave him a look, secretly plotting to do something to upset his anal-retentive tendencies. I couldn't quite figure out what, but I promised myself it would happen.

We settled in for the evening at my apartment, watching television and finishing off the pizza with the last two pieces of chocolate cake. I was putting the plates in the dishwasher when Edward came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist as I straightened.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he whispered in my ear. "I'm here for you, Bella… I just want you to know. I don't want to pressure you, but I'm here if you need me. I love you." He planted a soft kiss just below my ear and I tilted my head to lean back on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of his embrace, marveling at how much my life had changed in less than six months.

"I love you too," I answered, turning in his arms. "Can we just go to bed? I'm exhausted."

"Of course." He grinned and took my hand, leading me to the bathroom, where we both completed our nighttime routines, brushing our teeth and dodging water we splashed at one another while we thought the other wasn't looking. When we finished, he grabbed my hand once again and dragged me to the bedroom.

"You're so messy," he teased. "You should know better than to get water all over yourself." He was smirking at me, that saucy, crooked curve of his lips that I couldn't decide if I wanted to smack or kiss. I opted for none of the above as he shucked off his clothes down to his boxers and crawled underneath the covers, patting the empty space next to him.

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled, tossing my clothes into the hamper and pulling on an old, soft tee-shirt. Scrambling into the bed next to him, I snuggled up to his warm body, my back against his chest.

"Hey!" he yelped when I set my cold feet atop his, but he didn't move away.

"Hush. They'll be warm in a minute." I giggled as he pretended to shiver like he was lost in the middle of a snowstorm without a parka.

"Yeah, when they've leeched every bit of warmth from my body," he growled into my neck as he tightened his arms around my waist. I laughed and moved my feet further up his legs just to torture him. He took it well, I had to admit.

Closing my eyes, I finally began to relax from the pressure of the day. Edward brought one hand up and stroked the hair away from my temple and ran his fingers down my arm, repeating the motion as we lay there in silence. His soft touch lulled me to the edge of slumber, where everything was perfect and no nightmares awaited me. The last thing I heard before I succumbed to sleep was the soft sound of Edward's deep, rhythmic breathing as he slept.

It was a sound I wanted to fall asleep to for the rest of my life.

* * *

Some credits:

_**Shame, Guilt and Alcoholism: Treatment Issues in Clinical Practice**_, Potter-Efron, Ron and Bruce Carruth. Routledge Publishing, © 1989.

_**Psychological Trauma and Addiction Treatment**_, Carruth, Bruce - Editor. The Haworth Press, Inc. Co Published simultaneously as Journal of Chemical Dependency Treatment, Vol 8, Ed. 2 ©2006.

_A/N: Sorry, it's been a while since I used MLA or APA and that bibliography may be a combination of both. Sorry. I'm just a bit too lazy to look up the correct form of citation at the moment. At least I'm citing when I use anything of someone else's work._

_I blame Pig Flu for my laziness. Fuck you, H1N1. I laugh in your face, even though you're currently making my hair fucking hurt and scrubbing my throat and lungs with steel wool. Yes, dear reader, laugh all you want. Me, the CRA who has worked on a Swine Flu clinical study all summer, gets it from her husband after quitting said job researching Swine Flu. Aahh, the irony._

_I also must add that I am not a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist; I just have a lot of experience with them. I am using creative liberties with some of the more intense psychological aspects of this fic – in the interest of keeping you all caught up in the relationship with E/B (which I'm sure you'd prefer) instead of including several chapters of cognitive therapy from Bella's point of view._

_I curse myself to hell with that horribly long author's note. _

_Did you like the chapter, or were you bored? Tell me. We're getting close to the explosion…_

_Thanks for sticking with this one! _


	17. Chapter 17: Procrastination

**Hello, friends…yeah, it's been a while. I hope the chapter length makes up for that. **

**I don't own Twilight or anything else you recognize here. I just own an insane imagination.**

**I apologize for any errors; I edited this myself. My wifey deserved a little break. **

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_**As requested, here's a tiny summary of the events of chapter 16, since it's been so long:**_

_**Bella had her first visit with the therapist and we got some new info on her time with Charlie directly after she moved to Forks. She's making small steps toward improving all aspects of her life, not just her recovery.**_

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_You've been known to obsess over the future.  
Do you think you'll get away from the past?  
As you stone yourself just to make it through 'til midnight,  
consider what you might have found.  
You think you've got a good thing now._

_I found God in a catalytic converter  
in Topeka on a Monday night.  
Every saint has a past; every sinner has a future,  
so you know what keeps me hangin' around.  
No, you can't keep a good man down._

Ludo – "Topeka"

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**Chapter 17: Procrastination**

**EPOV**

_Four weeks later_

The border of my desk blotter wasn't as soft as it looked. Cool black leather smacked against my forehead when I let my head drop down with a thud. Laurent was jabbering away about some regular he'd been hitting on, but my noncommittal grunts and nods didn't seem to clue him in to the fact that I didn't give a fuck about his personal life. He was doing it on purpose – because normally, I'd play along with his game. This time, however, I had too much on my mind to engage in another round of our verbal sparring. I also wanted – no, _needed_ – to finish up early so I could spend some time with Bella.

My right-hand-man, or so Laurent insisted on calling himself, had been talking my ear off for the past ten minutes about some chick named Irina or Ivana or some other 'Bond Girl' type name. Giving up on the _almost_ complete inventory spreadsheet that was displayed on the monitor, I sighed and gave him my full attention, propping my chin in my hand. I just wanted to finish so I could get the hell out of here.

"Eddie, I'm telling you, man, this girl is _flexible_. I think she must be some kind of circus contortionist or a gymnast at the very least," he bragged. He must have decided that my rather bored acquiescence to his inappropriate ramblings was some kind of invitation to chat further and planted his dread-locked ass in the seat opposite my desk. The air left the old cushion with a loud whoosh in response to his considerable weight. When he plunked his dirty boots onto the corner of my desk, I was done. _That's the last fucking straw_.

"Listen, Laurent. What do I pay you to do? Do I look like your therapist? Do I fucking look like Dr. Phil?" I asked, not bothering to conceal the annoyance that permeated my words. A swift swipe of my hand was all it took to knock his boots to the floor. "And keep your damn feet off my desk."

"What's got your pretty-boy panties in a bunch, Eddie?" he laughed. "And you pay me to run this place, since you're MIA every night while you're banging Absinthe Girl."

And there it was: Laurent's innate talent for pushing every fucking button I had. Giving up all attempts to rein in my temper, I walked straight over the line of irritation into the land of seriously pissed off. My fist hit the desk with a loud thump, startling Laurent and sending his chair jerking back a few inches as he jumped.

"First of all, quit calling her Absinthe Girl. Her name is _Bella_. Use it. Second: she doesn't drink anymore. She's just over thirty days sober, a fact which makes me pretty damn proud for her. Next, I _pay_ you to supervise this place, which means you don't have time to stand around talking about all the action you've been getting. I don't give a flying shit about your escapades with Ivana Humpalot or whatever the fuck her name is. Unless, of course, I catch you mid-escapade on my newly polished bar, at which time I will make a frozen drink out of your balls."

"The fuck, Ed! Who Duck-taped your garbage can shut this morning, Oscar? I'm just trying to make a little conversation!" The whites of his eyes were prominent with surprise and stood out starkly against his coffee-colored skin. "The workday's no fun if you don't lighten it up with a little humor," he muttered, crossing his bulky arms over his chest.

"Make all the jokes you want, as long as they don't include Bella," I snapped, letting nerves get the best of me and raking my hand through my hair.

"Is something wrong? I'm sorry, Eddie – I didn't mean to insult your girl." The chagrin that was written all over his face let me know he was sincere.

"No, nothing's wrong," I sighed, ignoring the little voice in the back of my head that lived to contradict me.

_Oh, so snooping into your fragile girlfriend's past without her knowledge isn't wrong?_

As an afterthought, I added, "Don't call me Eddie." I was more likely to be bitten by a radioactive spider before Laurent would quit calling me every annoying version of my name – except for the one I used.

"Ed, you can be a moody bitch sometimes, but this is ridiculous! You're not laughing at any of my jokes, and you're really not even yelling about my inventory screw up."

"Your jokes aren't funny." Even though I was pissed, I still had to work at keeping a straight face. He rolled his eyes and wisely kept his mouth shut. It gave me a moment to check the inventory spreadsheet. "I can't believe it," I breathed, my mouth dropping open in amazement.

"What?" he asked, his voice tinged with worry.

"You didn't fuck it up this time."

"Halle-fuckin-lujah!" His large hand flew toward the ceiling in an exaggerated fist pump.

"You're doing a nice job, man…when you're not running your mouth," I conceded.

"Told you I'd get the hang of it. Now that's out of the way, and you can tell me what's really fucking with your head."

I took a deep breath and scrubbed my palms over my face in an effort to help clear my thoughts. What I was considering had to be done, for the sake of my relationship with Bella. It wasn't healthy for her to be around the bar, and that included my loft at the top of the building. I'd just been having problems deciding what to do after the sale. Would she want me to get my own place? Move in with her? Maybe look for an entirely new place together? I was practically living at Bella's place anyway – the only thing I didn't have there was my piano.

The last thing I wanted to do was rush her into anything. My mind was set in stone: Bella was the woman I wanted. _Her_ thoughts, however, I wasn't so sure of. I knew she wanted me now, but I worried that forever wasn't even a blip on her radar at this point in time.

Oh, I didn't doubt her love, but I still harbored fears that something would blow up in our faces.

And that something was the secret I hadn't been able to grow the balls to tell her.

"I'm putting Denali up for sale, Laurent. I thought you should be the first one to know. As of next Monday, it's on the market."

"Why, man? You haven't even had this place for a year, you know." He paused, a thoughtful look flitting over his rough-hewn features. "You're doing it for her." It wasn't a question.

I nodded curtly, hoping I wouldn't have to punch him if he said something derogatory. His answer was surprising, to say the least.

"You must really care for her," he mused, and it was as if the statement wasn't really meant for me. "I don't know if giving up my livelihood is something I'd be willing to do for a woman."

"Well, you're not me." I was quiet, regarding him intensely as he slouched even more in his chair. The look on my face must have spoken for me, because he nodded intently after he studied my features for a long moment. Despite his lackadaisical attitude, Laurent was surprisingly intuitive. He just chose to hide it behind clownish ways and jokes. It was the main reason I hadn't fired him during the first week. He was a handful, but he fit in here. He was a good match for the business, especially now that he was finally improving in regard to the back office duties. I could pull back from my involvement with the bar and play the part of silent owner until the deal went through.

"I brought this to you first for a reason. Even though you can sometimes be a colossal fuck-up," I said, exaggerating the last three words, "I think you've got what it takes to run this place on your own. I wanted to give you the option to pursue ownership if you're interested," I said.

"Wow…I wasn't expecting this," he mumbled, more to himself than to me. "I'm honored that you'd consider me. Thank you."

I nodded quickly. "Think it over. It's a huge decision. The offer also includes the loft upstairs and the vacant second floor. There's a lot of untapped potential in this building."

"Thanks," he tossed over his shoulder as he left my office. For a brief moment, I wondered if this place would survive. Imagine my surprise when I realized that I didn't really care.

Checking my watch, I noticed it was just after two p.m., which was an hour later than Bella was expecting me to be home for a late lunch. _So much for getting out of here early._ With a sigh, I rose and attempted to stretch the cricks out of my neck and back before I locked up the office and left.

***

After calling Bella to let her know I was running late, I stopped by the Market and picked up a loaf of that chewy, tough rustic bread and a couple orders of the clam chowder she loved. A little bribery never hurt. She didn't really make a big deal out of little things like this, always insisting that everything was fine, but I could tell she was a little irritated. Based on that assumption, I decided to put off telling her about putting the bar up for sale. I knew she'd protest at my decision to give it up for her, and I didn't feel like arguing today.

As I drove to Bella's place with my peace offerings, I thought about the last few weeks. Things had been great since her first visit to Dr. Weber. She went to intensive outpatient therapy three times a week and attended AA meetings on the days she didn't attend. She was working with a psychiatrist to figure out the right combination of antidepressants, which seemed to be a good fit for her so far.

Although she was still reserved and had her sad moments, Bella was happier than I'd ever seen her and the fun she found in simple things was contagious. It would have been perfect, if not for my one, tiny little omission.

_How much bribery do you think _that_ will cost you?_

Even though he always said '_this is the last time I'm going to tell you what to do; after that, you're on your own_,' Emmett rode the issue hard every time we spoke. He was truly concerned about her pain – which I imagined had a lot to do with the fact that he was the one who'd carried her out of that place that dominated her nightmares. I got that.

But the twinge of anger I felt in response to his attitude – that little part of me wanted to warn him to back off. She was _my_ girl, and I could handle picking the right time to tell her. I knew Bella didn't hold the same type of interest for Emmett as she did for me, but the instinctual need to keep her to myself was hard to ignore. That unease, coupled with my less than fervent desire to tell her, never failed to raise the tension between Emmett and me.

As much as I dreaded the day when Bella would know the truth, I was beginning to see many of Emmett's points. The last time I'd met with him for lunch, he'd made the most convincing argument so far.

"_What happened to your sense of confidence? When you were working in Chicago, you were so sure, so confident in the choices you made. She has to know, and she needs to hear it from you. If she found out any other way…" he trailed off and I was left wondering if my brother had just threatened me. _

"_It's complicated, Em. I knew what I was doing in that situation. It was a job, for Christ's sake! This is completely unfamiliar territory, and it's a hell of a lot more important to me than picking a good mutual fund. It's much more…permanent than that."_

"_Which is exactly why you have to tell her." His features tightened into an urgent expression before he dropped his eyes to his food. We finished eating in silence, the residual tension from our discussion growing and stretching, pushing and pulling at my head._

As I shook the memory away, I seriously considered telling her. At least I would _try_ to tell her…I only hoped I could recognize it when the time was right.

I parked and gathered my apology/bribery food, making my way inside the building just as the slate-gray skies opened up with a heavy crack of thunder. Smiling to myself as I stepped into the elevator, I thought of spending the stormy afternoon together on the couch, watching a movie that would hopefully lead to a lot of groping.

Bella was in the hall when I arrived on her floor, a stack of envelopes tucked under her arm as she unlocked the deadbolt. She turned when the elevator dinged, her eyes immediately finding me. She grabbed her mail and stood with her arms crossed over her chest, waiting for me next to her open door with a small smile on her face that grew larger when she spotted the goodies I'd brought.

"I guess I'll let you in," she grouched playfully as I came closer, "but only because that smells like my favorite clam chowder." Gesturing for me to follow, she turned and went inside, tossing the mail on the little table next to the entryway, walking in that way that never failed to give me the beginnings of a raging hard-on. She was wearing worn jeans that hugged her ass and legs. The denim looked so thin that I wondered if I could press my fingers right through the weak fabric if I grabbed her ass.

"Sorry I'm late. Laurent was spewing a fucking fountain of things I never wanted to know in my life, and I had some extra things to do while I was there," I explained, after clearing my throat nervously. We reached the breakfast bar and she took the loaf of bread as I deposited the soup containers in front of the seats.

"It's fine, Edward," she said, slicing a couple thick pieces of bread. "I'm just messing with you. How can I be mad when you bring me delicious bribes?" Her soft laughter brought a smug smile to my lips, the satisfaction giving me a little ego boost.

"A bribe?" I asked in exaggeration. "I'd never bribe you, Bella. I'd bring you treats like this every day if you want," I pledged. The Cheshire cat smile that graced her lips mirrored my own.

She settled next to me, inhaling a large breath of the fragrant steam above the container and sighing in contentment. I blinked when she caught me staring, the power of her gaze still enough to throw me off balance. We were so close I could see the whiskey-colored flecks around her pupils.

"Thanks, Edward," she whispered, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to my lips, a simple kiss that quickly overcame my self-control. I was soon leaning closer, reaching up to sift through the silky hair at the nape of her neck as my lips moved over hers. She smiled against my mouth, pulling back until she could press her forehead to mine. "I'm _hungry_," she laughed. I relented, letting her go and picking up a chunk of bread. I stole a glance at her as she dug into her chowder with enthusiasm. She caught me looking and the faintest pink bloomed high in her cheeks. My mouth kicked up at one corner as I spoke.

"You're very welcome, Bella. _Anytime_." I wasn't just talking about lunch.

***

We fell asleep halfway through the movie and awoke in complete darkness to discover the power had gone out due to the storm. After a few minutes of fumbling around in the dark, Bella produced a ridiculously huge three-wick candle and a box of kitchen matches. The wicks were different, too: they looked like pieces of wood.

_I'll never understand the shit women buy._

But I could certainly appreciate the way all the…_stuff…_made her apartment feel lived-in and much more welcoming than my place. Here, there were small, soft blankets perfect for napping on the couch, and useless but colorful pillows littered the furniture. Plants were placed throughout the rooms in a random yet inviting pattern, green splashes of color and leaves of every size, ranging from fat spikes of aloe to a bushy palm that had fronds just like the ones they'd given us in church on Palm Sunday when I was little. The effect was just right, neither too few nor too many plants.

Many of them were desert species, and I remembered the evening I'd asked her about her obvious green thumb, hoping it would ease her into telling me something new about herself.

***

"_My mom was really good with plants," she said with a small smile as she turned to face me, setting her watering cup aside. Sliding my arms around her back, I pulled her closer and urged her to stand on my feet as I balanced our weight by half-sitting on the counter. _

"_She always used native species." She paused, bringing her hands to rest flat against my chest. "Some Martha Stewart-ism about 'bringing the outdoors inside to create the illusion of a bigger living environment,'" she said quietly. I could feel her lips curving into a smile where they rested against my t-shirt. It took more strength than I would have imagined to keep my mouth shut, __hoping she'd offer more little snippets of the mosaic she comprised in my mind: colorful little shards that formed nothing but a chaotic blur of color up close, but revealed a stunning picture when viewed in its entirety._

"_I have so many good memories of my mother that are tied to plants. Before we moved…that last time…Renee was always nursing her friends' dying plants back to health and then giving them away to new homes. We used to joke that she was the local Division of Plant Protective Services." She laughed softly, and it was real. I was glad that she could carve out some joy in the midst of all her horrible memories._

"_I think you inherited her green thumb. All you have to do is look at them and they grow."_

"_Really?" Her tone was doubtful, and I hated that her first reaction was disbelief. Bella wasn't very good at taking compliments, but she was getting better. _

"_Really," I assured, bringing one hand up to her jaw and angling her head so I could see her eyes. "You'll always have that part of your mom with you." With my free hand, I grasped her left and brought it to my mouth, kissing the side of her thumb. The way her breath caught in her throat in response made me eager to push her a little further. I drew my hand up and down her back in a firm slide, needing the touch as reassurance for us both._

_Watching her from beneath my lashes, I slowly raised her hand. Leaving my mouth open, I let her feel my breath against her skin. She couldn't hide the flicker of darkness in her gaze when she realized I stopped just over the raised, silvery smoothness of her scar; the hints of golden whiskey in those bottomless eyes were all but obscured by shadow when I pressed my lips to her wrist in an openmouthed kiss. Her eyes began to well with tears, but she blinked them back furiously. I kept kissing, moving back up to the pad of her thumb and resting it against my lips._

_She wanted me to drop it. I could feel it radiating from her, tension and fear charging the air around us. Expelling a deep breath, I nodded, forcing a smile to my face as I pushed away from the counter. Her eyes went wide as she was thrown off balance, but my arm at her back held her upright. I released her hand, pleased when she simply moved her fingers to the back of my neck and held on._

"_Thank you," she whispered, the barest hint of a curve to her mouth._

_***_

While I'd been lost in thought, Bella had finished lighting the candle that could have possibly doubled as a cooking fire in an emergency. The wicks began to crackle, the soft pops and hisses lending a relaxing feel to the evening, in spite of the storm that continued to lash the city. The glow flared bright at first before settling into a more muted, diffused pattern as the flames continued their slow burn.

I had no desire to leave, ever. Her modest apartment now had an overall effect of _life_, and I had to admit, I enjoyed being here – not only because I was with Bella, but because this place felt like a home. It felt like _my_ home. _Our_ home.

And fuck if I didn't find myself more than a little turned-on at the notion. Just the thought of her sharing a defined space with me, the idea that we came home to _each other_ on any given night was pretty damn satisfying.

"Jesus. We could cook meals over that thing if we had to," I joked. I wanted to ask her where she kept her chuck wagon and cast-iron Dutch oven, but I was pretty sure Jasper was the only person on the planet that would get it. It was his fault that I even knew what a chuck wagon was in the first place.

"We could toast marshmallows…but they might taste like they've been relaxing in a gentle ocean breeze," she said, smirking as she sat down next to me. The candle provided a good amount of light, the flickering of the flames and the flashes of lightning outside the window only serving to blanket us from the rest of the world.

"I can feel the blaze. Maybe you should blow out one of the wicks?" I didn't bother trying to hide the smug curve of my lips.

"No!" she laughed, adding, "It will mess up the candle."

"Seriously, Bella, the heat is burning my eyes," I complained, unable to keep the laughter out of my voice that time.

"Cullen, you're about _this close_ to sleeping alone in the pitch dark," she grumbled, shifting around in the appearance of getting comfortable, but I was positive it was because she wanted to get in a few good elbow jabs.

"Okay, okay!" I said in protest, holding up my hands in surrender.

"Good," she snapped, settling into my side. We were silent for several minutes, enjoying the sizzle of the candle flames and the patter of rain as it hit the windowpanes. I thought Bella had fallen back to sleep, so I closed my eyes and simply enjoyed the feel of her slight frame next to mine.

"My father called today," she murmured, her voice loud compared to the sounds of the rain outside. I had no idea what to say. When it came to her father, I was content to avoid asking about him. The only thing I knew was that they weren't close. Bella had only spoken of him once in the entire time I'd known her. Due to my fear of pushing her too far, too fast, I was waiting for her to volunteer the information.

If I was honest, I didn't like the man, even if I didn't know him. What kind of father never visited or called his only daughter, especially one so beautiful and fragile, who so obviously needed help? It didn't matter now. She had me, and I was more than willing to give her the support he hadn't been able or hadn't wanted to give.

"Oh?" I managed to say. "Well, that's good, right?"

"I guess. I wasn't expecting to hear from him. He usually only calls on my birthday."

_Fucking jackass_.

"Is something wrong?" I asked tentatively, hoping she wouldn't shut me out and clam up.

"No, it's good, for him…he's getting married," she said, surprise coloring her voice. "I didn't even know he was seeing anyone. The wedding is this fall."

I took great care when I formulated my response. "How do you feel about it?"

She paused, nibbling on her lower lip as she thought. "I think it's good that he's found someone. He told me all about her, and he sounded so…_happy_. She's helped him redo the kitchen and she cooks for him." Her tone was now laced with darkness and I tightened my arm around her shoulders in response. "Her name is Sue. She's got two kids. I believe his words were 'nice, normal kids.'

"I bet he's glad he found someone that will take care of him, not someone he'd have to take care _of_," she said bitterly.

I wanted to pay a visit to her father and knock his ass out. Could he have said something more insensitive?

"Bella," I began, rubbing her upper arm gently, "a man shouldn't need his teenage daughter to take care of him, especially in your situation. It was his responsibility to care for you."

She huffed a little breath, something between a laugh and a gasp. "He couldn't handle me," she whispered. "He left me all alone, deserted me. And now he gets a ready-made family, one with no baggage."

"Will you tell me about it? You don't have to," I rushed on, at a loss for words. My chest was aching for her and my temper was nearly boiling at her father's stupidity, but the only thing I wanted was to make her feel better.

"He gave up on me," she answered in a dull, emotionless tone. She held up her left wrist, tracing the scar with a fingertip. "I did this about two months after I went to live with Charlie. I couldn't take the memories, the nightmares, or the panic attacks anymore. I thought I'd planned it _so well_…but he found me just in time, lying half-naked in a tub full of blood and cold water."

I swallowed thickly, hating not only what I was hearing, but the lack of feeling in her words as she spoke. I almost felt physically sick at the image my brain conjured from her description. When she looked up at me, her eyes were flat and cold.

"He only stuck around at the hospital long enough to donate blood for me. We have the same blood type," she said blandly. "I was there for three weeks, with _not one_ phone call or visit." Her jaw clenched as she continued, finally showing some emotion. "I guess he was content with getting his information from my doctors, rather than coming to see me."

"Oh, Bella," I murmured, ready to offer an apology for her father's inexcusable behavior (while simultaneously planning a trip to Forks to beat the ever-loving shit out of him), but she shook her head and kept speaking.

"Alice came to visit me, _every day_. I couldn't believe it. At first I ignored her, but she just sat with me, reading a book. Sometimes she told me stupid stories of things that had happened at school. That was when I finally let her in. She was the only one who cared enough."

"He cared, Bella, and I'm sure he still does," I insisted. I wasn't sure, but I wasn't about to tell her differently. "Some people don't handle emotional stress very well. And I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that he found you in time." She gave me a small, tremulous smile before looking down at her lap.

"I am, too," she whispered. "Now."

But she hadn't been before…and that nearly killed me.

"You know, at first, I hated him because he kept me from dying. Now, what bothers me most is the way he went behind my back. He could have asked me what was wrong, but instead, he talked about me with my doctors."

_And I've done essentially the same thing…_

Emmett's words from our last conversation raced to the forefront of my mind. It would be so much worse if she didn't hear it from me. I wasn't sure if this was the right time, but I'd promised myself I would tell her. Her only reason for not telling me in the beginning was her own fear that I wouldn't want her if I knew the truth about her past. Wouldn't she feel relieved to know that I'd been aware the whole time, had loved her even though I knew the truth?

"Bella, sometimes it's easier to hear terrible things from a neutral source." I hoped she couldn't hear the fear in my voice. "He had to be hurting – he didn't know how to help you, so he left you in the care of people who could," I said, nearly choking on my defense of Charlie. I didn't like what he'd done, but in a way, I could understand it. I'd certainly made plenty of mistakes where Bella was concerned. She shrugged and shook her head, laying her forehead on my shoulder. As she remained silent, I tried to plan out my next words.

"You'd be surprised at the stupid things people do when they're desperate." My tongue froze, and I was unable to get any further. I tried, but I just _couldn't_. My fears were cemented even more when she laughed mirthlessly.

"Desperation or not, some things are unforgivable," she muttered. "Why are you defending him? You don't even know him." She looked up at me, her brow knitted in a frown.

"I don't know that I'm defending him," I hedged. "He was an asshole, I'll admit. But that's _his_ failing, not yours. Maybe he dealt with it the only way he knew how."

"That doesn't make it hurt any less." Her eyes were huge against the pale skin of her face. "'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.' Sometimes well-meaning actions hurt the most," she said sadly.

Something inside me withered and died at her words. _If she can't forgive me…_ I couldn't even think about it. Determination welled up inside of me, fueled by love, lust and possession. I wouldn't let her go. I wouldn't leave her alone as her father had. I'd keep coming back until she forgave me. Overwhelmed with the need to reassure myself that what we had was untouchable, I leaned forward to capture her lips.

She stilled at the touch of my mouth to hers, and I savored the small gust of air as she hummed a little moan, relaxing into the kiss. Snaking my arms around her waist, I pulled her as close as she could get while we sat next to each other on the sofa. I tilted my head slightly, the angle giving me better access to her lips. I could taste the faint traces of the mint-laden iced tea she drank with lunch – flavored with fresh mint she grew herself on the windowsill.

Another living, growing thing…I wasn't sure if Bella realized how everything seemed to blossom for her, from the plants that grew for her like fucking magic to my own moods.

I held her tightly, pressing her against my chest as I leaned forward, letting my body take the lead. She braced one hand behind her and scooted toward the other end of the couch, her lips never venturing more than a warm breath away.

Eagerly, I followed, straddling her hips and keeping her legs pinned between mine. Reveling in the feel of her tentative movements beneath me, I slid my arms under her shoulders and crossed my forearms underneath her head, caging her to my body and letting her feel just enough of my weight to remind her that I wouldn't be letting her go. That we were stronger _together _than we could ever hope to be as individuals. I invaded her space, never moving my lips further than a second's reach of hers.

_Her kiss…it burns me alive. Nothing, _no one_, has ever owned me as completely as Bella does._

I licked over her top lip and nipped the corner of her mouth as I flexed my hips against hers, hungry for the delicious friction, the connection. It had been almost a week since we'd been together; the pent-up frustration I'd amassed during that time fueling the intense waves of lust that rolled me with each break.

Our tongues met in a clash of wet heat and humid breath as her hands smoothed down my back to tuck underneath the frayed hem of my t-shirt. The warmth of her fingers radiated over the small of my back, sinking deep into my bones as she slid her hands upward to clutch right between my shoulder blades. Our hips rolled together in small, lazy movements while I slowly tugged the hem of her tank up with one hand – not an easy task when I was plastered against every available inch of her.

In what was definitely the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen, she stretched her arms above her head, a smooth sound of contentment slipping from her throat when I tossed the cotton aside before pausing to remove my shirt so I could feel her skin against mine. The rush I felt at the skin-to-skin contact sent prickles of awareness straight through me, neurons firing rapidly from one synapse to another, beginning a chain-reaction of lust and love and physical instinct that was electrifying.

In an effort to rein myself in, I sat back on my heels, running my palms down her soft skin as I did so. I was rock-hard and aching, barely able to restrain myself from falling on her like a hormone-driven teenager. She gazed back at me while I froze above her, sucking in rapid breaths but never really feeling relief from the pressing desire to reassure myself that she was mine. Using my knee, I urged her legs apart. She made room, willingly shifting her legs to either side of mine. My hands went to work on the buttons of her jeans, nearly ripping the worn denim in my haste. As soon as I had enough room to work with, I yanked them down over her hips, scooting back so she could kick them off her legs.

Before I could cover her again, she was in front of me, her mouth grazing my jaw and her hands making quick work of my jeans. The silken ends of her hair tickled my forearms as she moved, causing my hands to tighten where they'd come to rest on her sides. Her lips seared my neck, sending chills rippling down my back as she nibbled her way to my collarbone. I couldn't contain the low moan her touch pulled from me as she shoved both hands beneath my jeans and boxers, her nails scraping lightly over my hipbones.

Bella looked up in surprise when I stood up quickly, shucking the rest of my clothing to the floor. Clenching my hands at my sides, my body almost vibrating with the need to have her, I wondered how I appeared to her – if I looked anything like I felt, my eyes would be burning, frightening in their avarice, hungry for anything she would give me.

"Edward?" she asked softly, rising from the couch to wrap her arms around my neck. "What's wrong?"

"I just don't want to hurt you," I managed, the words only a gritty whisper as I enveloped her in my arms and buried my face in her hair. Guilt spiraled low in my abdomen, swelling and burning its way up into my chest. Seeking a scrap of comfort, I sucked in a huge Bella-scented breath, desperate for something to combat the dread that was slowly building.

"You won't," she breathed, leaning back and bringing her hands to hold my jaw, forcing me to look at her. "I know you won't."

The love and trust in her eyes eviscerated me. I was left laid open and bare, hopeless in my knowledge that I could – likely _would_ – be the one to extinguish that glow. I couldn't bear to meet her gaze anymore.

"You can't know that," I whispered desperately. "How can you know that?" I didn't give her a chance to answer – I wasn't looking for one. Crushing my lips to hers, I smothered her little gasp, forcing her mouth open wider. It was rough, intense, and full of need, all-consuming in its claim over both of us. I couldn't control it any more than she wanted to fight me off.

And I knew she had no desire to push me away. Her fingers tugged at my hair, trying to pull me closer as she practically climbed up my body. I slid one hand down her spine, pushing my fingers beneath the scrap of lace at her hips. It fell to the floor, leaving me with more supple, bare flesh to fill my hands. I felt her shift against me as she freed her ankles from the fabric. Tilting my hips, I pressed myself against her, seeking her warmth and the friction of her silky skin on my dick.

One small hand slid from my hair, trailing down over my chest and abdomen, wrenching a loud moan from my lips as she wrapped her fingers around me. She squeezed with the perfect pressure, knowing exactly what I liked – because she was mine, and she fucking _knew_ me.

"Fuck, I need you," I groaned into her mouth, letting my hands roam all over, trying to touch all of her at once.

"You have me," she returned, releasing me and backing away, trying to lead me to the bedroom. I stopped her with a hand on her wrist, coming up behind her and guiding her back to the couch. I needed her now…it was raw and primal and fucking imperative that I got inside her as deeply and as quickly as possible.

Urging her to kneel on the cushions, I braced her hands against the back of the couch and knelt behind her. Sweeping her hair to one side, I fastened my mouth to her neck and used a knee to widen her legs. Positioning myself, I pushed forward slowly, moaning at the overwhelming sensation of her stretching around me, pulling me in. My hips met the lush curve of her ass, and I froze, trying to regain some semblance of control. I pressed a line of kisses between her shoulder blades and trailed the tip of my nose across the downy skin, frowning when I came across the lace of her bra. The catch gave way easily under my fingers, my hands moving to her shoulders to guide the straps down her arms, sending it to the floor.

She whimpered when I slid my hands underneath her arms to cup the sides of her breasts. I gave her one slow, heavy thrust, knowing my control was tenuous at best. The elegance of her curves, the subtle scent of her skin, and the soft sounds I coaxed from her lips rendered me helpless against her...and all I knew was that I'd never have enough.

Curving myself over her back, I anchored my left hand on her right shoulder, my forearm resting directly over her racing heart. My neck felt boneless as I began to move, and I let my head drop over her shoulder, resting my cheek against hers. I closed my eyes and just felt, amazed how the removal of one sense could amplify all the others. Every breath, every moan and gasp, every shift of her body against mine was heaven. _She_ was heaven.

Bracing my right hand on the back of the couch to hold my weight, I increased my pace, causing the frame to creak in protest. I didn't care. She was just as lost as I was; I could read it in the arch of her neck as she threw her head back against my shoulder and the way she clenched my hair in the trembling fingers of one hand. It was in the occasional shudders that vibrated through her small frame, and in the way she tightened around me. I could spend the rest of my life inside her and it wouldn't sate me.

Exquisite tension coiled at the base of my spine and I couldn't hold it back much longer. Releasing my hold on her shoulder, I drew my hand down and reached between her legs, rubbing my palm right where I knew she needed it, groaning as she called my name in response. Her back arched as I took her closer, using my fingers to spread her lips just a bit more, eager for that extra fraction of an inch. I knew she was riding the edge, so I let instinct take over, taking her hard and fast, turning my head to place kisses below her ear.

She went rigid before she tightened impossibly around my dick, clenching in the amazing rhythm of her climax. She came with harsh pants and a muffled moan, and I didn't mind that she wasn't vocal. This wasn't about loud screams and provocative words; the relative silence of her release fit the intensity of our connection.

"Beautiful, so beautiful," I whispered roughly, my lips grazing her earlobe as I let myself go, thrusting erratically in the throes of my orgasm. My thighs were weak and my arms trembled, rendered all but useless while I floated back to myself. I pulled back gently, turning her in my arms before angling my body to fall back against the couch cushions.

Her gaze glinted in the dim candlelight as she raised her eyes to mine, tentatively pushing the hair back from my forehead as she watched me. I could see the questions lurking just below the surface. I didn't shy away from her stare, but I remained silent, unwilling to answer her unspoken questions. With a soft breath, she leaned forward, running her fingertips over my jaw.

"I love you," she breathed, her lips brushing mine, before she closed the distance. My arms closed even more tightly around her, wishing I could somehow fuse us together…and fearing it wouldn't happen.

***

Later, after we'd blown out the candle and moved to the bed, I lay awake, treasuring the moments of quiet tranquility. Being with Bella was the single most important piece of my happiness, and things were going so damn well.

Bit by bit, though, my contentment was crumbling. Another stab of guilt shot through my brain, my conscience warring with just about every other part of me, and I just _couldn't get it out_. I wasn't ready to quit being selfish, wasn't ready to deal with the changes it would bring to our relationship.

The worst-case scenario was relapse. But that wasn't the only shitty possible outcome to my little problem. Maybe she wouldn't relapse, but she might leave. And as much as it would fucking hurt to be without her, I would do it. As long as she was happy and safe and healed, no matter where she went, I could let her go.

I didn't spend a lot of time analyzing what I felt where Bella was concerned – there was no use fighting it, so I just let it hit me. All I needed to know was the thing I enjoyed most was the time we spent together, and the thought of not having her with me was like a stab to the gut.

Bella twitched against me, signaling that she'd fallen asleep. I decided to quit dwelling on what hadn't happened yet and just enjoy the present. And I more than enjoyed having Bella's warm, naked body pressed against me from head to toe. This was one of my favorite times to watch her. It amused me to no end to watch her facial expressions as she drifted to sleep. And the twitching – I didn't know what the hell was so endearing about it, but it made me want to run my hands all over her, to soothe her with my touch. I smiled slightly, pressing a long kiss to her hair as I tried to maneuver us into a more comfortable position for my arm, which was underneath her head. I froze when her breathing changed in rhythm, and she mumbled something I couldn't quite make out.

Since her nightmares had become more and more infrequent, Bella had begun talking in her sleep. It was never much; just odd little everyday phrases and what seemed like random words strung together. My name made a frequent appearance, a fact that made my inner caveman want to grunt and beat his chest.

A thick wave of shiny hair had fallen over her eye; I gently brushed it away, my fingers barely skimming her temple before following the length of the strand to the middle of her shoulder blades.

"What do you dream about?" I whispered, staring at her as if she'd answer me. Maybe I was hoping the answer would just pop into my head like I was a fucking mind reader. To my surprise, she smiled softly, mumbling my name.

I sighed, closing my eyes as I felt that familiar tug of happiness that came every time my name passed her lips. She was happy right now, and that was all that mattered. If my greatest fear came true, if my name became part of her nightmares…I'd do what I had to do – let her go.

It would ruin me, but I'd do it for her.

* * *

_This will be the last time we hear from Edward for a couple chapters. Thanks to anyone who's still reading this, because these two kids just won't go away. _

_If you've got any comments or questions, I'd love to hear them. Either way, I hope you enjoyed it. _

_As always, thank you to EchoesOfTwilight, AmeryMarie, nerac, and LaraIsAwkward for ass-kickings and funny times in the lair._

_Want to read a couple one-shots? These are a couple I've read recently. One had me laughing and fanning myself, the other had me convinced that canon Alice is more than she seems._

**Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, I Made You Out of Kahq, **by LaraIsAwkward: _Who knew celebrating Hanukkah with the Cullen Family would be so complicated? Matzo ball fail, glitter accidents and strip biology? Lemons are on the menu this year..._

http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5573661/1/Dreidel_Dreidel_Dreidel_I_Made_You_Out_of_Kahq

**Marionette, **by EchoesOfTwilight: _Contrary to popular belief, it was Alice, not Carlisle, who masterminded the creation of the powerful Cullen coven. But why? And how? One-Shot entry into Les Femmes Noires contest. M for dark themes and a hint of lemon zest._

http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5508488/1/Marionette

Fucking giant author's notes. I just can't help it. I should be beaten.


	18. Chapter 18: Everything Has A Price

_We all know I don't own _Twilight_…If I did, I'd be on a beach in Cabo getting a good rubdown by some hottie that doesn't speak English. Unfortunately, that dream – and these characters – belongs to Stephenie Meyer._

_To the best beta and wifey a girl could have, EchoesOfTwilight: you are simply awesome. You PWN me daily and…I feel very…protective…of you. As always, the LoD is my haven of partners in crime._

_I have no idea what kind of shit deserves a tissue warning, unless it's Mufasa dying in _The Lion King_ or that devastating, evil ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan's "Arms of the Angel" playing in the background. Or, more recently, watching the last episode of this season's _Dexter_ (OMG!!!). Those are the only things that make me cry. Having said that, I'm giving you a yellow light here. Caution ahead._

_The lyrics below ought to give you a pretty good idea of what's coming. The chapter title is paraphrased from the song - which is pretty awesome, if you're so inclined to listen._

* * *

_First a spark  
Then a flame  
Now a fire!_

_We explode!_

_Into the darkest of nights,  
Disconnect,  
Cut the cord,  
Lights are dead._

_Now they'll know,  
With everything comes a price!_

"**Elective Amnesia" – Rise Against**

* * *

**BPOV**

"_Experience is a brutal torture, but you learn. By God, you learn." – C.S. Lewis_

~*^*~

**Three weeks later **

"Why don't you just use your fingers?" I asked with a laugh as Alice dropped her third piece of spicy tuna roll. It landed in the soy sauce with a wet splat, sending drops flying in every direction, creating a spatter pattern worthy of Jackson Pollack on her shirt. I automatically got the Tide pen out of my bag and rolled it to her side of the table. A tiny part of me enjoyed watching her struggles. _For once, I'm not __the fuck-up! _I crowed internally. Though the delight I felt in her tiny fault made me slightly uncomfortable, I couldn't bring myself to be ashamed. It gave me a surprising boost of confidence.

_It's been a while since I've been better at something, _anything_, than someone else_.

"Because I'll never get it if I don't practice!" With a grimace, she fished the roll out of the pool of sauce and popped it in her mouth. Never one to let food get in the way of her conversation, she kept chattering, mumbling in jealousy at the ease with which I handled my chopsticks. After a moment, she asked, "How the hell did you get so good with those things, anyway?" as she vigorously scrubbed at her shirt with the pen.

"I've eaten a shitload of takeout in the last decade or so," I answered with a wry smile. "Chopsticks are disposable and leave nothing to be washed." Unable to keep still, I pulled a piece of edamame from the bowl in the center of the table, more due to the need for something to occupy my hands than out of hunger.

"So are plastic forks."

"You have to ask for those, Alice. Most of the time, I was lucky if I even dialed the correct number. You wouldn't believe how many times I tried to order Kung Pao chicken and egg rolls from the pizza joint down the street." We shared a tight smile in the tension-laden silence as Alice finished cleaning up and resumed eating. I hated how tentative she was being with me. I wanted her to laugh at my awful jokes. I wanted to have a normal dinner out with my best friend just like any other well-adjusted adult.

Apparently, we weren't there yet. We might never be there. I was still working hard to earn her trust again, and I was amazed to find that I wanted it badly. It was just one more thing that I needed to finally get my life under control.

Tossing the mangled soybean to my plate, I sighed. "Sorry. Bad joke, right?"

"No!" She covered her mouth with one hand, but I still heard the snort she tried to conceal. "Well, yes, it was pretty bad…but I just never know whether or not to laugh when we're referring to…" She let her words trail off, and I took pity on her. It wasn't like Alice to measure her words so carefully.

"Who are you and what have you done with the Tasmanian Devil in disguise I call my friend?" She raised a dubious eyebrow at me, so I went on. "Back when I was drinking, you wouldn't hesitate to tear me a new one, ever! Now you're pussyfooting around my feeble – yet _sober_ – attempts at humor?"

"Tasmanian Devil?" she asked dryly. "I'm not sure that's a compliment."

"Oh, sure it is!" I waved my hand at her, giving the waiter a quick smile as he came by to drop off the check. "Taz gets shit done. He shows up in a tornado, kicks ass, and leaves disaster in his wake. Who wouldn't enjoy that?"

Alice laughed and shook her head, snagging another piece of spicy tuna – with her fingers this time.

"Where do you put it?" I asked in wonder. She'd downed nearly three rolls to my one, plus half the edamame.

"In my tummy," she said flippantly, patting her abdomen contentedly.

"Which one?" I quipped. "Ruminants have what, four stomachs?"

"Bella Swan, did you just call me a cow?" Her voice rose in mock outrage as she pointed at me.

"Depends on how specific you want to get. A cow _is_ a ruminant, but you could also be a sheep, a goat, a deer…"

"Wow, being sober sure hasn't helped your mean streak," she groused playfully, rolling her eyes.

"You know I'm just jealous, Alice. I've always dreamed of eating like Michael Phelps without having to burn forty thousand calories in the pool."

Snorting, she laughed, "I can't help it. Good genes." She gestured to herself conceitedly, making me laugh out loud.

"Just wait until you hit thirty and your metabolism takes a nosedive. We don't want you to have to buy out the muumuu section at Hilo Hattie's."

Gasping loudly, she screeched, "Fuck you, Bella!" drawing the attention of everyone in the small sushi bar. "I would _never_ wear a muumuu!" The heated whisper was much quieter, offering no more entertainment for the rest of the dinner crowd. I was still trying to stifle my laughter at her reaction, which had been exactly the one I was going for. She was still muttering.

"Hah. I'd rather wear a bedsheet. In fact, I will! I'll just lay in bed, naked, eating powdered-sugar doughnuts and fast food all day, and when I finally die, they'll have to cut me out of the apartment with the jaws of death, _then_ use a scissor lift to get me down to the ground floor." She nodded firmly and crossed her arms over her chest.

"You watched that show about the seven-hundred pound man again, didn't you?" I asked. She said nothing, which I took as a yes. I grinned at her.

"Well, at least I'm watching something reasonably intelligent on Discovery Channel instead of those _Jersey Shore_ marathons Jasper likes." Her long-suffering look was back.

"I still can't believe he watches that." I had to laugh at the mental pictures my mind was rapidly supplying. Jasper, shirtless with a gold nipple ring and a thick gold herringbone necklace…it was priceless. "I wonder if he's tried to get Edward to watch?"

She snorted. "You'd better hope he doesn't succeed. I can't tell you what a turn-off it is when he comes on to me in Guido-speak. I can never stop laughing, and then he thinks it's because I'm 'insulting his manhood.' Give me a break. Watching that show is insulting to his manhood."

"Oh, I would hope Edward knows if he tries that shit on me, he won't be getting any for the foreseeable future."

We were still laughing a few moments later as we worked out the bill before heading for Alice's car.

"Dessert?" she asked hopefully. Alice and I had a deal: I could have all the inane small talk I wanted over dinner, but when we went for dessert afterward, we had to talk about the serious stuff. Most of the time I dreaded dessert – which was tragic, since I loved all things sweet with a passion.

But tonight, I was actually looking forward to a serious talk with Alice. She helped me sort through the things in my head with an easy familiarity that I didn't have with Angela. I was beginning to wonder if Alice hadn't missed her true calling as a therapist, though she seemed happy with her current job as a PR analyst for a small but successful firm here in Seattle.

"I'd love some. What sounds good to you?" I asked, fastening my seatbelt and laughing as she gave an excited fist-pump. I couldn't tell if it was because we'd be getting more food or if she was eager to interrogate me.

_Knowing Alice, it's probably both._

~*^*~

Twenty minutes later, we were seated at a small café table in a tiny Italian bistro a block from my apartment. I poked at my panna cotta_,_ shoving the accompanying strawberries around on the plate while Alice powered through a giant square of tiramisu. I was still slightly pissed that I couldn't have my former favorite dessert, zabaglione and berries. Damn, delicious Marsala wine… just when I thought there was nothing else I'd have to give up, _bam!_ Even foods weren't exempt. No more whiskey sauce with bread pudding…no more tiramisu…no more rum-soaked fruitcake. _Okay, so maybe I've never liked fruitcake, but still_ – it was another restriction.

I suddenly realized Alice was trying to get my attention, and apparently had been for some time.

"Where the hell did you go?" she asked – in the mere milliseconds between swallowing her previous bite and shoveling in a new spoonful.

"I was just feeling sorry for myself about all the booze-laden foods I won't be able to eat." I made a face, pointing at her dessert. "Like _that_."

Alice snorted. "Like I'd even let you have a bite. This is _all_ mine."

"I wasn't asking for one," I retorted. "I'm not dumb enough to eat something that rich after consuming about three pounds of raw fish."

"Iron stomach. All _four_ of them," she joked, patting her disgustingly flat belly.

"You're a brave woman," I told her with a smirk, shaking my head. "Believe me; you'll never want tiramisu again if that comes back up." I'd ruined many a favorite dish for myself by overindulging…on alcohol.

"Why would I puke? I eat like this all the time."

I shoved away the pang of isolation I felt at realizing that most people didn't have a list of favorite foods they could no longer stand because they'd gotten sick after eating them – due to an all-night bender. Covering my feelings with a tight smile, I just shook my head and laughed – a dry, barely humorous sound. If there was one thing I'd realized from all the AA meetings, it was that I had to be prepared for moments like this to pop up out of nowhere. However, that didn't keep the shame and disappointment at bay.

But now, I had better tools to deal with those emotions. I knew that as much as alcohol had dulled my pain, it hadn't come even close to making me happier than everything I was blessed with now.

Part of me still didn't think I deserved it. After all, I'd been too weak to save my mother.

"Bella," Alice chided, breaking me out of the troubled direction my thoughts had taken. "Eat. You're still too thin. Next time, I'm taking you to my place and force-feeding you double-stuffed Oreos. Middles only."

I smiled at the thought. Alice and I had always eaten our weight in Oreos back in high school. They'd been my favorite cookie ever since she'd snuck me a few while visiting me in the hospital.

"That's not much of a threat, Alice." I was laughing now, the bad memories nearly forgotten.

"You're right, you know," she said, covering her mouth, because it was full of fluffy, decadent, chocolate and espresso-flavored goodness. I remembered the complex flavor on my tongue: smooth, sweet chocolate and sharp coffee, with the pungent kick of Marsala at the finish… _No! Stop it!_

"…you're the only person I know who could eat an entire package of double-stuffed Oreos in one sitting!"

Alice was still speaking. Thankfully, she hadn't noticed my less than attentive state.

"Come on, Alice. You always helped," I laughed, feeling light and free within seconds, only because of her voice.

"That's what I meant. None of my other girlfriends were awesome enough to put away the whole package with me!"

I didn't know how I'd ever lived without her – I could always count on Alice for a laugh or a sympathetic ear, yet she'd never hesitated to tell me that I was ruining my life.

I couldn't believe I'd resented her. How could I have let her go? She was the sister I'd never had, and now I knew it. If Edward was my savior, Alice was my rock: steady, unchanging, and always there, ready to support me when I could no longer support myself.

Scooping up a large portion of creamy-smooth panna cotta and berries, I obediently ate a few more bites as Alice watched. The overeager waiter that had been hovering since we'd been seated came over, offering to refresh our coffee and not-so-subtly flirting with Alice and me.

"We'd both love another cup, please," Alice said sweetly, playful as ever and eager to mess with our young server, blessing him with a flirtatious smile. As for the coffee, I didn't particularly want another dose of caffeine this late in the evening, but I needed something bracing to make it through whatever interrogation she had planned. As the waiter hurried away to bring us fresh cups, Alice rolled her eyes, making me laugh.

"Sometimes, you're just mean, Alice. You're building him up like a freaking Jenga tower, only to watch him tumble at your feet."

"Hush, Bella. We're going to give this boy a great story to take back to his buddies," she replied with a sneaky smile. "And who the hell plays Jenga anymore anyway?"

"Edward and I do…sometimes," I defended myself, acting miffed before grinning wickedly and adding, "You know, the one where you write dirty things on the blocks and act them out."

"Bella Swan, I didn't think you had it in you! No, wait – what am I thinking? You sure went for it with Edward that first night–" She stopped abruptly, suddenly realizing I might misconstrue her words as hurtful. And I couldn't deny it; I was a bit hurt by her casual reference to the way Edward and I had "hit things off," but I quickly realized that, while it had been a stupid decision at the time, I didn't regret it one bit.

"It's fine, Alice," I assured her as she opened her mouth to apologize. I let it drop with a soft smile and she grinned in relief.

"Can Jasper and I borrow that Jenga set?" she asked, leaning forward excitedly.

"Sure," I laughed, loving the way everything was suddenly fixed by an agreement to share dirty Jenga.

Our would-be suitor returned with fresh, steaming cups of dark-roast coffee, loitering after depositing them on the table and unnecessarily pointing out the cream and sugar for the third time.

"So, where are you ladies headed this evening?" he asked in a smarmy voice. I raised an eyebrow in Alice's direction, trying to hide a smirk.

"Home," Alice said simply, overtly winking at me. She placed her hand atop mine on the table, lacing our fingers together and giving me a seductive smile. It was all I could do to keep a straight face; but thankfully, the boy's eyes were excitedly flicking back and forth between Alice's wicked expression and our joined hands. I wasn't entirely sure that Alice's ruse was discouraging him.

"Well…uh…I mean…" he started, his mouth gaping open like a fish out of water as he tried to spit out coherent words. This was actually sort of fun. I leaned closer to Alice across the little table, setting my spoon to the side and covering our entwined fingers.

Ignoring the boy and giving Alice what I hoped was a sexy smile of my own, I murmured, "Alone." I was dying with laughter inside, hoping he took the hint before I ruined our show by bursting into giggles. He appeared shell-shocked, but the glazed-over look in his eye was one that most men wore while getting a lap dance.

Nervously, he pulled the card folio from the pocket in his apron, setting it on the table and wiping his palms on his pants. "Er…there's no rush on that check, ladies," he stuttered. "You can play with – I mean, _pay_ – me anytime." With that, he rushed off, likely to go tell his buddies in the break room about the male Holy Grail he'd just observed in the dining room – lipstick lesbians. Alice and I dissolved into laughter, watching him until he disappeared.

"Now that he's gone," Alice began, suddenly serious – and I just _knew_ from her tone that it was time for the interrogation portion of our evening – "I just wanted to tell you how proud I am. Of you, I mean. You've come so far. I'm so happy for you."

_This is unexpected_. I smiled widely, grateful that we weren't going to have an in-depth discussion about whether or not she still thought I'd benefit from time in rehab or her concerns about Edward's ownership of the bar.

"Thank you, Alice." I looked down for a moment, giving myself time to plan what I wanted to say. I wanted to get it right. Looking back up into her clear, sincere hazel eyes, I said, "You know, I want to really thank you. For all you did for me even when I told you I didn't want your help. I don't think I would have made it without you."

"Bella," she began, her brows drawing together in concern. I cut her off before she could finish.

"I mean it. When Charlie left me in that hospital, I was more determined than ever to finish what I'd started. You changed all that. I know I haven't made the best decisions since then, but I would have been long gone if you hadn't been so damn persistent." My eyes brimmed with stupid, unwanted tears, but Alice's eyes were bright with moisture as well. I let out a small, watery laugh as I tried to discreetly dry my eyes. I hated nothing more than crying in public. "So _thank_ you. And I love you," I added, a bit embarrassed.

"Bella, you know I consider you my sister. I'd do anything for you. It doesn't matter that we're not blood-related; sometimes your closest family are people you _choose_." We still hadn't unlaced our fingers, and she gave my hand a gentle squeeze before letting go. "And we chose each other."

Trying to lighten the moment, I laughed and said, "I think _you_ chose _me_, and then browbeat me into choosing you."

"I _do_ always get my way." Her smile was cocky, perfectly matching her tone. I certainly wasn't going to argue with her.

"Bella?" a slightly familiar voice called out from behind Alice. I looked over her shoulder, feeling my stomach drop to the floor when I recognized who'd been calling for me.

_Rosalie._

Frozen, I had no idea what to do. I had no desire for another meeting like our first, especially in front of Alice. At the same time, I was infinitely grateful to have my best friend with me for moral support, just in case things went sour.

Timidly, I cleared my throat. "Rosalie…it's nice to see you." She was looking lovely in a deep bronze-colored tunic dress, setting off her blonde hair and bright blue eyes to perfection. I looked in vain for Lottie, but it seemed Rose was having a night out without her daughter. "Would you like to sit down?"

With a coolly assessing eye, Rose surveyed the table before smiling and taking a seat. _Looking for booze, were you?_ I thought crankily. _Look all you want,_ y_ou're not gonna find it_.

"Rosalie, this is my best friend, Alice Brandon," I offered. "Alice, this is Rosalie, Edward's sister-in-law." I watched as they exchanged pleasantries, smiling and shaking hands. Alice was wary; she knew of my one and only disastrous meeting with Rose.

"It's very nice to meet you, Alice. And it's wonderful to see you again, Bella." Her voice was warm and she looked genuinely pleased. _Maybe this won't be so bad after all_…

"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to keep the nervousness out of the question. _Shit. That didn't exactly sound friendly, Bella_. Luckily, she didn't seem to take it badly.

"Oh, I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner, but she had to cancel. I'm just on my way home to steal the pizza I'm sure Emmett is feeding our daughter as I speak. I swear, I'm surprised he still likes pizza, after eating it almost five days a week when he was a cop," she joked. "And now that Lottie's old enough, she's taking after her daddy in that department."

The picture in Edward's study flashed through my mind; a brief glimpse of Emmett standing proudly in his dress blues. That image was followed by another, less clear vision of Emmett: it was as if he was hovering above me, worry constricting his friendly face as his mouth moved. I couldn't make out what he was saying, and it was gone just as quickly as it had appeared. Chills ran down my spine and set every hair on end. To calm myself, I took a large gulp of the hot coffee.

As a further distraction, I asked, "How _is_ Lottie?" Thankfully, I was unable to keep the smile from my face at the mention of the little girl who had quickly become one of my favorite people.

"She's beautiful! We leave in three weeks for Disneyworld and she can't wait. Emmett and I helped her make a construction paper chain to help her count down the days. She rips one off every morning as soon as she wakes up," she gushed excitedly.

"How sweet! How old is she?" Alice asked. "Have you got a picture?"

Rosalie beamed, pulling out her phone and scrolling through what seemed like hundreds of photos. I was glad for the reprieve, my head buzzing with errant thoughts and ghostlike memories. Another scene played in my mind; this one dark and blood-filled, flashes of moonlight glinting off black, sticky blood like sunlight on water. It was nearly blinding and sent a sharp, stabbing pain through my skull.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Rose and Alice asked in unison. I looked up to find them both watching me with worried expressions. This Rose was nothing like the woman I'd met back in March. She was warm and friendly, her suspicions regarding me evidently forgotten – or hidden, at least while Alice was around. I wasn't sure which, and part of me didn't care to find out. I was happy with the illusion, if that's what it was.

"I'm fine, just the beginning of a little headache." I managed a small smile, pushing the strange scenes to the back of my mind.

Our amorous waiter chose that moment to reappear for the check folio. His eyes about bugged out of his head as he saw Rosalie sitting with us. His jaw dropped noticeably and I fought the urge to reach up and close it for him. Alice snickered behind her hand as he reached for the black folder with a trembling hand, holding it in front of his crotch like a shield.

"I-I'll have this right back for you, Ladies." His voice cracked on the last word and he hurried off, and I prayed he wasn't making a bathroom detour.

"What's his problem?" Rose asked, looking confused.

"He thinks we're lesbians," Alice supplied helpfully.

"Alice!" I hissed, but Rose surprised me by laughing heartily.

"He was hitting on you, huh?" I gaped at her, surprised at her intuition. "I've used that trick so many times," she explained.

Alice was still giggling, trying to catch her breath. "And now I bet he thinks all three of us are together!"

"That boy will be having some nice dreams tonight," Rose quipped.

We all burst into laughter, and for the first time, I began to feel a kind of kinship with Rosalie. It seemed to me that she was honestly trying to befriend me, and I found I was very eager to forget our horrible first meeting. Conversation between the three of us flowed freely after that, including more boisterous laughter and risqué comments when the waiter returned with the credit card slip. Rose flirted with Alice and me shamelessly, causing the poor guy to turn a color I'd never seen outside of a jar of pickled beets.

As we exited the bistro, Rose pulled me aside. "Alice, would you mind if I borrowed Bella for a moment?" _Shit. I knew it was just an act._ When would I ever learn?

"Oh, not at all! I'll just go call Jasper and wait for you in the car, Bella. Rose, it was really great to meet you! The six of us should get together sometime," she added. With that, she turned toward her car and was chattering to Jasper within seconds.

Steeling myself for the worst, I faced Rose as we stood on the sidewalk. There was a slight chill in the late spring air, heavy mist hanging in a cloud over the city, blocking out the moon and stars.

"Bella, I wanted to apologize. No one deserves to be treated like that; least of all, you." _What did _that_ mean?_

I was shocked, and my face must have betrayed me.

"I was that bad, huh?" Rose asked, a small smile lifting her lips. I nodded dumbly, still unable to reply. "I really am sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

"Of course, Rose. Really, there's nothing to forgive. I'm trying to put all that behind me. You're part of Edward's family, and I don't want to cause any trouble between all of you." I gave her a genuine smile, one she returned. "I'm really glad we ran into each other tonight," I said honestly. I couldn't wait to get home, so I could tell Edward. He'd be so happy…

"You really love him a lot," she mused, reaching forward to give me a warm hug. It only made me slightly uncomfortable, but the feeling was easily shoved away.

"Yes, I really do," I murmured as we separated.

Her smile brightened even more. "And that's all that matters, isn't it?" She checked the time on her phone and gasped. "I've got to get going before Emmett thinks something happened to me. He's forever worrying about me being ambushed or kidnapped or something equally horrible," she rambled. "It would be endearing if it wasn't so annoying."

"Edward is the same way," I said, rolling my eyes and ignoring the little twinge of something similar to déjà-vu her words evoked. We parted ways with a quick goodbye and a promise to see each other soon, and I made my way back to Alice's car for the short ride home.

I made easy jokes with Alice, all the while ignoring the strange feeling that I'd missed something important tonight. In the end, I blamed it on residual paranoia and concentrated on all the good things that had happened, returning to Edward with a happy heart…if not a calm conscience.

~*^*~

Later that night, as I lay next to Edward, waiting for the caffeine to leave my system so I could sleep, I thought about the progress of these last few weeks.

I was finally figuring out how to let go of all the bad stuff, realizing I actually had a life to live and enjoy. For the first time, I allowed myself to be an adult and enjoy the freedom that came along with it. I had a few casual friends from AA meetings, like Jake – who had become someone I could really look up to and was always there for good advice. But I also had something I'd been without for the last ten years: I had a family. We didn't share blood ties, but what bound me to them was something infinitely more precious: trust. Jasper, Alice, Edward, and even Emmett, Lottie, and Rose were all there for me.

It was a new feeling, this independence. Unbelievably, I didn't _need_ to drink anymore. The _wanting_ it, on the other hand, was a bit more stubborn. Certain times were better than others. The daytime hours were effortless. Most of the time, I could go a majority of the week without having a really severe craving. Friday and Saturday nights were my most difficult times.

While most people dreaded Monday mornings, I dreaded Friday night. It was laughable, but it was my life. What bothered me the most, though, was the sick sense of anticipation that went along with the dread. That cold, shivery craving for a good buzz lurking behind the fear, the feeling that always told me it could never let me down, would carry me along even after I'd shamed and disappointed myself.

That feeling was so dangerous…it snuck in like a thief, planting false confidences at such inopportune times.

My psychiatrist, Dr. Alistair, had given me a prescription for Campral, a drug that was supposed to help curb the alcohol cravings. This was in addition to a low dosage of Zoloft and an extended release version of Xanax. It hadn't taken me long to figure out the extended release pills weren't nearly as fun as regular Xanax, which I was sure the good doctor knew perfectly well.

Dr. Alistair was a big believer in experimentation. Not all antidepressants worked for everyone, and he'd warned me that it could take many months – even longer than a year – to find the best combination for my individual brain chemistry. So far, I was doing well, but we still met monthly to assess my progress.

I hadn't filled the Campral script. The cravings were getting better, though they were still there. I took pride in the fact that I could actually fight them off now, that it was easier to bypass Happy Hour – not that I'd _ever_ restricted my drinking from four to seven p.m.

I just wanted to do it on my own. I _needed_ to know I could do it on my own. I didn't want to rely on yet another medication to do something I should have been able to accomplish without chemical help.

At least, that's what I told myself. In reality, I was embarrassed. I already felt like a nut-bag every time I walked into the drugstore, knowing they could look me up and see what kind of psycho meds I took on a daily basis. Lately, standing at the pharmacy counter made me feel like I had the words "crazy alcoholic" stamped in big, red letters on my forehead. Lord knew there was a long list of sedatives, sleeping pills, tranquilizers and a few previous antidepressants in that record. I was doing fairly well managing the cravings on my own, so I really had no plans to fill the script if I could help it.

Where Edward and I were concerned, things were great. He was invading my little apartment. Everywhere I looked, I found something of his: a shoe, one of those Jack Bauer-type political thriller novels, or one of his hooded sweatshirts haphazardly tossed over the sofa.

I loved it.

I constantly teased him about his messy housekeeping tendencies, especially in light of his insanely organized music libraries. He always defended himself valiantly, insisting that there was "nothing wrong with having one's priorities straight."

More often than not, that argument evolved into a very detailed exploration of his number one priority… _And it's good to be number one_.

Though we were closer than ever, there were still moments when he seemed uneasy; almost as if he was afraid of something, but of what, I had no clue. I tried to get him to talk about it, but he wasn't very receptive. I attributed his occasional disquiet to stress over having Denali on the market, with little interest in the property.

As uncomfortable as it had made me at first, I was secretly a tiny bit thrilled that he was giving it up. Of course, I'd been angry when he'd first told me he was putting the building up for sale, but I understood his gesture. It had taken me a while to wrap my brain around the fact that he was doing it for us. It was a huge commitment on his part, and while it was scary, it was also just another manifestation of his feelings for me.

Once we'd moved on from the Denali argument, we settled into a comfortable routine. It was so easy and natural, the way we seemed to just fit together in the small space. We orbited around each other like planets, usually no farther than touching distance apart. The pull was no different. The attraction I felt for him was no less avoidable than gravity – something I wasn't entirely comfortable with, considering my fear that I was replacing alcohol with Edward.

I mulled this over daily. I'd even gone so far as to make a list, as Angela had suggested during one of our therapy sessions. While my biggest fear was relapse and the loss of everything I'd recently worked so hard for, next in line was the fear that Edward would stop loving me when I no longer needed fixing. I knew he liked to take care of my problems, and I appreciated his desire to help, but it wasn't something I needed.

One thing that helped to ease my fears, however, was that Edward had become involved with Al-Anon. Though we'd been together for months, he had no prior experience living with an alcoholic. I was glad there was a place that he could connect with others in similar situations, a place where he could develop coping skills and the ability to make healthy choices, just as I had. I could only tell him so much. I could only tell him about _living_ with alcoholism, not what it was like to care about someone with the disease.

We needed all the help we could get, the two of us. As many times as I told him that only _I_ could put myself back together, I didn't think it could hurt for him to keep hearing it from someone other than me. We still had a long road to travel together, but I was beginning to actually feel like we were on the right track.

And it felt _wonderful._ It felt free.

I was truly happy. _We_ were truly happy. _Finally_.

~*^*~

_**The following week**_

As I drove home from AA, I wondered what Edward was doing. I knew he'd gone to Al-Anon tonight, but I still wondered if he'd be home when I got there. Just thinking about going home to him made me happy. The simple routine we shared – even though we went to separate meetings – was something that afforded me more comfort than I'd imagined. Happiness was not something I was used to; at least, it hadn't been for a long, long time. But now, I was blindsided, consumed, and completely in awe of the joy I found in every day. Each morning was singular, each experience exhilarating…and even _I_ was different.

As the feeling of dread for each day I'd grown so used to lessened, my faith in myself grew in direct proportion.

It was amazing.

Edward wasn't home yet when I returned, so I pulled out a few things for an easy dinner. I'd been in the kitchen for about ten minutes when I heard him enter the apartment.

"How was Al-Anon?" I asked over my shoulder, wanting to go hug him, but I didn't think he'd appreciate it with my wet hands.

"It was okay," he said in a subdued voice. I turned to see him hovering in the doorway, watching me intently. He looked sad, almost broken. "Bella, we need to talk." I was suddenly inundated with a wash of fear that I did my best to ignore.

Oh, no. I wanted nothing to do with anything he might have to tell me. I wanted to hide in my newfound contentment. It didn't matter anyway – no matter what he had to say, I didn't want to lose him. _Can't we just ignore it?_ I pleaded with my eyes, begging him to understand. Turning back to the sink, I methodically kept preparing vegetables for dinner.

"I knew about what happened to you in Phoenix. Before you told me," Edward said, his voice almost inaudible. Cold swept over my limbs, painfully crystallizing every cell in quick succession. Static crackled in my ears and a tiny, desperate laugh worked its way out of my throat. _Surely_ he hadn't said what I thought I'd heard. I dove further into denial.

"Do you want to go to a movie tonight?" I asked, still trying to keep my hands busy. I was likely to start clawing at my skin if I didn't. He was silent for a moment, and I looked at the clock to make sure we would have time for both dinner and a movie.

"Bella, did you hear me?" After a few moments he was right behind me, placing his hands on my forearms as I scrubbed a potato furiously, nearly rubbing the skin off.

"Yeah, I heard your awful joke," I returned flippantly, shutting off the water with a forceful jerk. I dropped the potato in the colander right before he grabbed my shoulders and swung me to face him. I stood there with dripping hands, timidly meeting his light green eyes. They looked even more catlike tonight, deceptive and pleading, begging me to understand and forgive him for the wrongs he was confessing. His fingers flexed, digging painfully into the skin bared by my sleeveless top. He immediately loosened his grip in response to my shocked gasp, his hands soothing my marred flesh and bringing my body flush with his.

"Bella, I'm not joking." His tone was rough, filled with fear, and _that,_ more than _anything_, told me his words were no joke. The very notion was enough to fill me with foreboding. I couldn't take it.

I broke.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I shouted. Shoving away from him, I ran my hands through my hair. Wet fingers left cool trails across my suddenly blazing forehead and scalp. Closing my eyes, I leaned back against the wall, needing the support as the reality of his words worked its way through me.

_Why now?_

I was finally getting things on track. Edward and I…things were going so well.

And he'd gone and ripped my world out from underneath me… _ With one. Fucking. Sentence_.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I knew. Before you told me," he whispered, and his voice was close again. Too close. If I let him get near me, let him touch me, I wouldn't be able to think clearly. Opening my eyes, I could see him approaching slowly. I threw my hands out to halt his progress.

"Stop right there, Edward. Just… stay back," I said through labored breaths. I needed to retreat from the feelings, try and analyze what was making me feel so blindsided and afraid, and I couldn't do it when he was so close to me that I could feel his body heat. Before, I would have said I was terrified he'd leave me if he found out what I'd done. For so long, I didn't want him to know because I'd been sure he'd never want to be with a monster, a murderer. But I'd let down my guard and told him, against every instinct for my self-preservation – and to my surprise, it had changed nothing. He'd held me, comforted me, and loved me. That was all it had taken to knock the final brick from the wall I'd built to keep him out. I'd finally let him in, given him my trust and love.

And all for what?

He'd been lying to me…the _whole time I'd been_ _struggling to give him _all_ of myself_.

_That_ was why I couldn't breathe. Why I didn't _want_ to breathe. My eyes stung for want of tears, but I couldn't even give myself the release of crying and they remained dry and scratchy.

In that moment, everything I'd been sure of, everything I'd come to know, simply _disappeared_.

I loved him…but I couldn't trust him. The memory of Edward following me home from AA surfaced and I couldn't shove it away. I remembered his own admission that he'd watched me before we'd met and how I'd jokingly called him my stalker.

Suddenly, it didn't seem like such a joke. My heart rate accelerated painfully, and I could feel my hands start to shake. Burning cold formed in my belly, a tiny ball of pain and numbness that grew and grew until it sent tendrils of agony throughout my entire frame. My visceral reaction was so strong, so intense, that my body was reacting as if I was in mortal danger. Emotionally, I couldn't believe Edward would hurt me.

But there was some tiny part of me that was terrified he could. _After all, what's physical pain compared to what I feel right now?_

_I should have never let him in!_ I'd willingly handed him the ammunition to destroy me by loving him, and letting me love him in return… Why should it surprise me that I'd end up hurt in the end?

I didn't want to believe that of him. He'd become my world in these past months. What was left for _me_, if all I knew was a lie?

My knees threatened to buckle, so I leaned against the wall and slid to the kitchen floor, folding into myself and bringing my legs up as a shield. It didn't make me feel any less vulnerable. I stared at nothing and everything, thoughts racing through my mind at blinding speed. From the corner of my eye, I saw Edward start forward. Focusing on his face, I tried to see if I could read his emotions, looking for some inclination that he felt even one tenth of this…this hell. I held up a hand again, giving him a hard look and a tiny shake of my head. He stopped, settling heavily on the floor a few feet away from me and dropping his head into his hands.

I kept staring at him, my breath hitching in and out. Seeing him like that – tormented and lost – didn't make me feel any better; not that I'd really thought it would. So many conflicting emotions were battling inside me: fear, mistrust, anger… all warring with the intense love I _still_ felt for him. While my body wanted to flee, my heart was breaking at the thought of being without him. Yet, at the same time, the sense of betrayal I felt was debilitating. I didn't think I could work past it – not for a long, long time. Possibly not ever…

_I can't deal with this_. I didn't have enough tools to make it through something like this. The only tool I wanted was something I wasn't ever supposed to use again.

"Bella, please… say something," he pleaded, looking up at me. His eyes were red and almost glassy, making the striking green leap out from his paler-than-usual face.

"How long?" I asked in a raspy voice. I couldn't find enough breath to put behind my words.

He scooted closer to me; though I didn't hold him back this time, I didn't encourage him, either. When his hand encircled my ankle, I couldn't contain the flinch that shook me at his touch. He sighed heavily, but didn't remove his hand.

"How long, Edward?"

"Right after we first met. After that night you ran away."

My pulse throbbed in my ears, the whoosh of blood through my veins clashing with the rush of uneven breaths. The edges of my vision began to dim; while I could make out Edward's mouth moving, his voice seemed far away as he yelled for me to breathe. Suddenly, he was directly in front of me, holding a paper bag to my mouth. Knocking his hand out of the way, I grabbed the brown paper, crushing it in my fist before shoving the heels of my hands against my eyes. I could feel him staring as I concentrated on regulating my breathing. It set every hair on my body on end, yet it felt so familiar that I wondered how I'd live without that feeling of having him near. Of knowing he was there for me.

_In…out…in…out_.

My breathing began to return to normal and I lowered my hands, further compressing the paper bag and tossing it across the room. Edward came closer, until he was right up against my side. Warmth enveloped my chilled palm as he wove his fingers with mine. I didn't pull my hand away, knowing I was self-centered enough to take this comfort from him. It was only fair – at the moment, it seemed as if he'd taken everything from me.

"Bella, I know it was wrong, but please, please just listen."

When I didn't respond, he took it as an invitation, scooping me off the floor and carrying me to the couch, where he simply dropped onto the seat with me in his lap. I remained stiff in his arms, staring straight ahead, so completely disoriented that I knew I must be in shock. Thoughts flew through my mind in every direction; memories of us together and naked, afternoon lunches at the Market, me making dinner for us to share on a quiet weekday. Then came the bad things: the disastrous dinner with Emmett and Rose, his jealousy of Jake, following me, spying on me…

How was I supposed to know what to do, when my brain seemed to be split in half on the issue? When I wasn't sure if his betrayal mattered in the end? I needed an explanation.

"Tell me," I managed in a monotone, meeting his intense gaze for a split second and then dropping my eyes to the floor.

"When you left that morning, I knew I couldn't go the rest of my life without seeing you again," he began in an urgent voice. "I had your name from credit card receipts at the bar." My heart sank as he continued. "I… I had someone track you down. "

"You hired someone? _You hired someone_! That's fucking insane! How could you invade my privacy like that?" I exploded, almost happy that I could finally feel something besides the numbness. I yanked my hand from his, leaning as far away from him as he'd let me. He looked down, his hair falling over his forehead. I could see his lips tremble when he shoved the hair out of the way and raised his eyes to mine, agony swirling in the extraordinary green depths. Suddenly, the satisfaction I'd been searching for in his pain surfaced.

_Good. At least he's hurting, too._

"Yes. I did." His voice held shame, but was also laced with quiet determination. "I'm not proud of what I did, Bella. But you have to understand… I knew you were the one from the moment I saw you. Don't tell me you didn't know we belonged to each other from the minute I first touched you!"

Oh, I knew. As I looked back, I realized I'd known from the moment I'd set eyes on him that night in Denali.

"I had to know where to find you, because I sure as fuck wasn't going to let you walk out of my life. I only wanted to know where you lived. I wasn't prepared for the report that came back," he said, his voice cracking on the last word.

"There's more," he continued. I looked up, staring at him silently, waiting for the next thing that would rip out my heart. "That's the reason Emmett and Rose acted so strangely. Emmett knew you…from before."

His words swept over me like arctic wind, making me wish I could disappear, burrow deep beneath the earth and hide away until I could steel myself against it. It was a physical pain; sharp needles of ice ripped into my skin, racing to one central point in my chest as the past, with all its memories concealed deep within, came careening at me like a runaway train.

_Strong arms, covered in a navy-blue uniform. A huge, kind man who'd offered me a large, comforting place amid pooling blood and nocturnal desert chill perpetually backlit with sterile moonlight._

"The policeman," I whispered, sucking in a sharp breath as he nodded.

_Emmett had carried me to the ambulance. _

My body began to tremble, paralyzing spasms of chills that made it nearly impossible for me to move as all the little pieces fell into place.

_The family picture in Edward's study, of Emmett graduating from the Police Academy. The weird expressions on Emmett's face when we'd been introduced…and the reason I felt such a familiarity with him. He'd taken care of me on the worst night of my life._

_The extreme _déjà – vu_ when he'd tended to Lottie's wounds that day at the park. His voice had seemed so familiar…_

"But you didn't know who I was until you got the report," I asked, my voice disgusting me in its weakness.

"No, no! I mean, I remember hearing about your case, but I never knew your name. Emmett left the force not long after that night. It really messed him up. But I have to admit…" He paused, finally meeting my eyes. "I always wondered about the girl. I mean…about _you_. I wondered if you were happy, hoping that you were enjoying life, and when I realized who you were – that it was _me_ that could do that for you – I felt like it was somehow meant to be. How could I ignore that, when I knew I could spend the rest of our lives making you happy, taking care of you?"

"Maybe I don't want to be taken care of!" I snapped. "And you should have told me. How am I ever supposed to trust you again?" I studied him, his feelings plain in every line of his face. His lips trembled and then tensed, something I'd never seen before, and I wondered if he was trying not to cry. My assessment immediately switched to his eyes, the spring green of his irises still shockingly bright. I couldn't find any real evidence of tears, but I didn't think Edward would be the type to cry in front of me, if he cried at all. I hadn't seen it once in the whole six months or so that I'd known him.

He took a deep breath and then his mouth hardened, his features taking on a determined cast I knew well. I braced for his anger or stubbornness, finding myself tensing at the tiny frisson of fear that trickled down my spine.

"Bella," he said tensely, "Okay, I get that I fucked up. I fucked up _spectacularly_! But if taking any of it back would keep me from being with you, I'd do it all over again. I fucking _love_ you and I can't let you throw this – _us_ – away."

I literally couldn't speak for all the thoughts screaming to get out of my brain. If I started, I would never stop, choking on words of love, anger, hate…love…despair…love.

I didn't know if I could survive this. Edward's betrayal…it was like he'd ripped a hole in my heart. I was bleeding out emotionally; everything I'd learned in therapy and AA was hemorrhaging away. My tongue burned for the taste of the alcohol and my fingers itched to feel the cool, smooth glass of the bottle.

He reached for my hand again, and I let him, because I still couldn't resist his touch or the comfort he always gave me. _I'm sick and co-dependent_. Even after finding out what he'd done, I wanted to cling to him, anything to chase the happiness he used to give me. I really _had_ traded one addiction for another. I knew then that I would have to leave him if I wanted to get better. I needed time on my own to heal.

It would remain to be seen if I could go back to Edward afterward. What if his pull on me was the same as the pull I felt for alcohol? Angela couldn't help me with this. AA couldn't help me with this. I had to go away…somewhere away from Edward, at least for the first few weeks. I needed to kick this addiction once and for all, submerge myself in my recovery with no outside distractions, and that included _him_.

I thought of the list of recovery centers Alice had given me. Places with immediate openings for ninety-day programs.

I had to do it. Alone.

"Bella, please say something. You're worrying me," he pleaded, cupping my face in his hands. Tears finally came, hot, fat droplets that slid down my cheeks and dripped onto the back of my hand. I cried for myself, for Edward, and for the couple we might have been, because I loved him, too. Beyond all common sense and self-preservation, I loved him. I also knew it would never work between us if I didn't leave to work out my problems on my own. He had issues too, and as long as we were together, he'd never be able to fix them. He was almost as co-dependent on me. If we did nothing, we would drown in each other, perpetuating bad choices and destructive behaviors. Eventually, what we had would die, rotting on the vine and leaving nothing left but resentment and apathy.

Drawing my head to rest against his shoulder, he sat there quietly, pressing his mouth to my hair and the smeared salty trails on my cheek, his palm skimming over my neck and down my arm. His arms locked at the small of my back, pulling me as close as possible as he slouched back into the couch. I resisted the impulse to look at him for as long as I could, but I didn't last long. Tilting my head back, I watched him, our eyes meeting for a split-second before he pressed his lips to my forehead. After a moment, he dragged the tip of his nose along mine, stopping at my mouth. His lips hovered close to mine for an excruciatingly slow second.

Our breath mingled in warm, humid rushes, coaxing my lips into a tingling burn. Another brief clash of searing eye contact, intense and terrifying, yet it thrilled me. I blinked slowly, not knowing or caring what he could read there. He groaned softly and his lips touched mine, warm and salty wet, my eyes dropping closed as his kiss turned urgent.

"Bella, Bella… let me love you," he whispered haltingly. "Don't shut me out, please."

I decided then that I would not deny myself this, what might be the last time we had with each other. My excitement surging with renewed want, I wrapped my arms around his neck, getting comfortable on his lap. I licked at his lips, savoring salt and the spicy flavor that was Edward alone. Each moment was tucked away, cemented in my mind; the sweet pleasure of his touch overshadowed with the heavy weight of guilt and aching awareness. Our kisses became rough and demanding, my chin and lips stinging from the sandpapery scrape of his beard shadow.

Bringing my hands down to his shoulders, the slightest push from me was all it took for him to loosen the tight hold on my back. Breaking our kiss, I sat up straight, unable to hold back my sigh as he shifted his hips, letting me feel how much he wanted me. I raised my head to find his eyes shimmering at me, dark with fear, yet burning with lust and love. My fingertips dragged down the soft cotton of his shirt, over the subtly defined ridges of his abdomen, the fabric slightly damp and warm from his skin. I loved the way he trembled as I slid my hands under the cotton and pushed them up, spreading my fingers wide to touch as much of that hot, supple skin as I could. I paused over his heart, feeling it racing under my palms for a moment before guiding his arms up, stripping away the worn t-shirt and tossing it behind me.

"We belong together, and you know it," he stated, trying to project confidence, but the anguish in his eyes nearly paralyzed me. He was begging. It ate through my flesh and straight to my soul, seeped in from the devastating wound he'd inflicted, infiltrated my body like venom. "We belong _to_ each other."

I had no response to give him, nothing to promise.

"I need you," he breathed; I stole the words, claiming his lips in a kiss, eyes open wide and meeting his. I knew the moment he began to realize that this wasn't affirmation or acceptance.

_This was goodbye_.

Closing my eyes, I threw myself into the kiss, digging my nails into the swells of his shoulders and moaning when his hands fell to my hips. I welcomed the painful grip, knowing it was no less than I deserved. I wanted to feel his fingers digging into my flesh; welcomed the dull ache that couldn't come close to the pain roiling inside me.

I deserved much worse. I should have been gone by now, but I was punishing myself, and likely Edward, by staying this one night longer, simply because I craved his touch one last time before I left.

But I hadn't gotten to be the way I was by making safe, healthy choices, had I?

Desperate to stop thinking, to just _feel, _I threw myself into the kiss, the embrace, my hands gliding over his smooth, resilient skin. I pressed and scratched, gripped and soothed, desperate to feel all of him. It was so important to memorize every touch, taste, and sound, to file away every flash of his beautiful eyes and shimmering hair to keep me in the nights ahead.

Edward's kiss became desperate and reckless as his control began to unravel. His hands were all over me, stroking roughly, gripping, testing the stretch of my skin and the strength of my bones. My shirt was gone before I realized it and my jeans hung open. His fingers wandered up to my breasts and yanked the cups of my bra down, leaving me exposed.

"Please," he breathed raggedly before the hard edge of his teeth scraped roughly over my nipple, followed by the soft slide of his tongue. "I don't want to be without you." It hurt, seeing him this way. What made it even more painful was that I could even understand why he'd done it. I would always be his, but it wasn't enough to keep me with him – no matter how badly I wanted him or how strong my feelings were. I knew he felt it in my touch. He was all warm, supple skin and subtle, shifting muscles, strong and capable and _God _– he made part of me feel _so_ safe as my hands wandered up over his body to burrow into his hair.

But there was still part of me that was reeling from his admission, and I couldn't ignore it.

For long, anyway. But I would for tonight.

His mouth drifted up over my breast, where he bit down hard, sucking the skin between his teeth and drawing on the skin forcefully. I held him to my chest and dropped my head to the base of his neck, latching on to the taut flesh and leaving a mark of my own. His groan vibrated against my lips and my chest. It was rough and primal and necessary; I couldn't have stopped myself even if I'd tried.

He lifted his head, one finger reaching to trace the tender purple mark. His eyes met mine and I burned, arching my back and placing my hands against his chest once again, my palms craving more warmth and male skin. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the strong beat of his heart under my hands. He covered my hands with his and leaned closer, his lips skimming my cheek.

"It's yours." He pressed my hands harder against him, the warm puff of air over my ear sending chills all the way down my arms. I turned my cheek to his, breathing into his ear just as he did mine. Slowly, his hands moved to my torso and slid down, right past my unfastened jeans and under the elastic band beneath them. He cupped me in one hand, the other snaking around to grip me low on my hip. "I want you to be mine." Another low murmur caused me to groan softly, my hips shifting against his fingers, but he remained still, not giving me the touch I needed. My awareness shrank to his breathing in my ear, every deep breath, every hitch amplified.

With clumsy fingers, I unbuttoned his jeans, taking much more time than I wanted to. Finally, I slipped my hand inside, past the jersey cotton of his boxers. His lips touched below my ear gently, a long, soft moan rolling over the nape of my neck just as I curved my fingers around him, stroking the hot, silky skin.

Our lips met again, sliding together in brief, open-mouthed kisses laced with sharp nips as I leaned even further into him, unable to keep still on his lap. I sighed when I felt his fingers moving, barely slipping inside me with feather-light strokes. It felt wonderful, but of course I wanted more.

Just as I was about to plead with him, his fingers were gone as he wrapped his hands under my thighs, standing abruptly. Reluctantly releasing him, I gripped his sides for balance and crossed my ankles behind his back, still keeping my mouth fastened to his. He reached the bedroom and kicked the door shut, one hand reaching behind him to lock the door.

A caustic voice laughed in my head. _As if he could keep me in_.

"Put me down," I managed in between winded breaths and brief kisses. I didn't even stumble when he set my feet on the ground. I had no idea where my grace was coming from, but I wasn't about to question it. I needed this too much.

Blocking everything but physical sensation from my brain – at least, attempting it – I roughly shoved his pants and boxers over down over his hips, not caring that my fingernails scraped the smooth skin over his hipbones. He hissed in my ear in response as he bent forward to push my own jeans down, his teeth softly grazing the tip of my already sensitive breast. While I kicked the restricting denim away, he snaked his hands around my back to fumble with the catch of my bra.

Finally, we were skin to skin, hard to soft, textured to smooth, but equal in warmth. Pushing him to stand up straight, I dragged my open mouth across his chest, blowing a hot trail of breath as I went. Pressing my hands flat over his hips, I slid them up, over the subtle cuts of muscle that angled down over his hipbones, skimming my palms over his ribs and back down again before coming to a stop at his waist.

"Bed." It was a demand, one he didn't hesitate to follow.

He bent at the knees and locked his arms around my hips, taking me with him as he straightened and walked the few short steps to the bed. I was thrown off balance by the sudden movement, inertia only pushing me even closer to him. His lips grazed the base of my neck as he gently let me slide down his body, carefully climbing onto the mattress at the same time. I fell back and he was on top of me, his arms wrapped around my back, holding much of the weight of his upper body. His hips lay heavily on mine, and I could feel him pressing almost painfully into my hip. I wanted the pain; it was perfect and real, matching the feelings that coiled in the back of my mind, just waiting for the chance to expand.

When he trapped me in another kiss, everything seemed to happen at once. I wrapped my legs around his and he was inside me with one hard push. Then we were still, time slowing to a stop, his lips frozen upon mine for a moment before he buried his face in my neck. We were only fast-paced hearts and ragged breaths and – _oh, God – _I needed him and he wouldn't move!

While he remained like stone, stiff and unmoving, I couldn't stop my hands. Up over his chest, across the swells of his shoulders and the hints of sharp shoulder blades I touched, greedily trying to feel every inch of him. I don't know how long we lay there that way, but my wandering hands had settled into a gentle up and down pattern over the length of his back. Every nerve ending in my body seemed to focus on the feel of him inside me, his stillness the sweetest kind of torture.

His lips touched my neck, making me give a little jerk of surprise before I relaxed into him. I could feel his mouth moving, but I couldn't be sure if he was speaking. I couldn't hear anything as he kissed a quick trail over my jaw and lifted his head to watch me.

He looked surprised to see me returning his gaze, and I didn't miss the sheer intensity that burned in those eyes. Slowly, he brought himself under control, his chest expanding against mine as he took a deep breath.

"Don't give this up, Bella," he whispered, not begging or pleading, just one simple statement. "Don't give _us_ up." Closing my eyes in misery, I shook my head. After a few moments, he took my mouth in a kiss that started rough and hard; commanding, biting kisses that slowly tapered to sweet, soft sighs and tingling lips as he began to move. It was slow, sinuous, every movement a perfect complement rather than an echo of the first. _Finally…oh, this feeling!_ I almost couldn't stand it. I'd certainly never forget it.

He took his time, spinning out every fluid shift of his body, his hands charting every inch of my skin he could reach. The slow, deep lunges spun coil after coil of burning, insistent pleasure in the pit of my stomach. I didn't want it to end – when this was over, this wonderful, beautiful, terrible, _painful _thing, I'd have to do something so hard I wasn't even sure I _could _do it.

The sound of his voice reached my ears and vibrated over my lips. Not all of it was clear at first, until he broke the kiss to nuzzle the hair at my temple. Soft murmurs and love words floated over my ear on the currents of his warm breath. How much he loved me, how happy I made him. He told me how good I made him feel and how he never stopped thinking of me. I filed every sound, every word, away for later. Whether these brand-new memories would bring comfort or torture…_oh, God, I'm not sure_.

But that didn't even faze me.

I knew I was only hurting him more, but I had to have this little piece of him to take with me.

"_Stay with me;  
you're all that I see."_

His words struck a chord in me, somewhere deep inside, but he chose that moment to close his lips over mine. His arms came back up under my back, one cupping the back of my head and the other spread wide between my shoulder blades.

Edward's control was rapidly unraveling; his mouth moving clumsily against mine as he decided he'd had enough of _slow_. I curled one thigh higher around his hip, allowing him room for a new angle that was _oh…God_. His hum of satisfaction tickled my lips where they met his, and I wanted to feel it again and again.

"So close," I breathed in between kisses. Each thrust sent him stroking deeper, winding me tighter. Every point of contact was perfect, every touch exactly what I needed to send me higher. I was almost drunk with sensation, the feeling scarily similar to that first rush of euphoria with my first drink.

I wanted to hold it back. _I'm not ready!_

"Bella, please," he whispered, his hand tangling in my hair. "I need to give you this."

"Not yet." It was a dry sob, a ragged, desperate sound. I brought my hands to his hair and pulled him closer, kissing him feverishly to try and occupy his mouth. If I kept hearing his voice, I'd be lost. He managed to tear his mouth from mine; lightly dragging his lips down my jaw, leaving a burning trail in his wake.

The hand under my back slid slowly down my spine, over the curve of my hip. He shifted his weight, his fingers heading right where he knew I needed them, adding the slightest pressure. It was over, and we both knew it.

"You can't hold it back. I won't let you." His voice was ragged, broken and perfect. I was swept up in a wave of pleasure so acute it was painful, nearly excruciating in its purity. All I could do was gasp his name on an intake of breath, but he knew. "Fuck, yes…there you are…I feel you, Bella." He tensed above me, fighting to hold on until I was finished. With a few wild, rough thrusts he fell into his own release, a short, desperate moan escaping him before he went limp against me. My legs fell to the mattress on either side of his hips, trembling and drained.

We didn't move.

All-consuming silence blanketed the room, both of us afraid to speak.

My brain was wrecked, thoughts scattered around like broken glass, racing so fast I couldn't focus on any single thing. Edward shifted a bit of his weight to the side without releasing me, still not moving from between my legs. I could feel him softening inside me and knew there would be a mess, but I couldn't summon the will to care.

So I stayed, with Edward wrapped around me tightly. Physically, I'd never felt more comfortable. But the unknown loomed out there like a shadow, creeping, elongating and twisting with the path of the sun. Closer and closer it crawled, but it wasn't here yet. _I still have time…_

Unfortunately, I had to spend it trying to figure out how I'd ever have the strength to walk away from him.

* * *

_Did I make you cry? Is it wrong that I hope I did? I'll try not to let it go so long between updates this time. I've got a good portion of the next chapter written right now – and by god, I hope it doesn't end up as long as this one. _

"_Stay with me; you're all that I see" is taken from "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam._

_If you're looking for something angsty, beautifully descriptive, and kind of creepy, check out _When the Words Scream_ by LaraIsAwkward. Her Alice gives me the creeps. You'll see why. Lara's in my favorite authors on my FFN profile._

_If you'd like a break from the angst and want some dirty-minded vamp action, try _Innocence is Dripping Red _by EchoesOfTwilight. I'm sure you guys are already reading this…but Voyeurward belongs to me and I want you to be jealous. And of course, Echoes is in my faves list._

…_sorry for the novel of A/Ns. (hides)_


	19. Chapter 19: Waning Crescent

_A/N: I don't own _Twilight. _No copyright infringement is intended._

_I'M SORRY about the wait. Really, REALLY sorry._

_Thank you to beta EchoesOfTwilight for sweeping up the crumbs and making it pretty._

_Hello to Irritable Grizzzly, who left me the sweetest review ever for the last chapter and I failed in replying. I bow like Wayne and Garth to you, and thank you._

_Last chapter: Edward finally spilled the beans. Bella had a "HDU, Edward, HDU?" moment and decided to leave, but not before a little bedroom action, which some of you were a little mad with her over. That's the basic gist (I'm sort of sad that my entire last chapter can be summarized in less than a drabble - there's got to be some sort of irony in that)._

_

* * *

__Where do we go from here?  
The words are coming out all weird  
Where are you now, when I need you  
Alone on an aeroplane  
Fall asleep against the window pane  
My blood will thicken_

_I need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain  
'Cause I'd be scared that there's nothing underneath  
But who are my real friends?  
Have they all got the bends?  
Am I really sinking this low?_

-Radiohead, "The Bends"

* * *

**Chapter 19:** **Waning Crescent**

**-x-  
**

After a long while, Edward finally drifted to sleep. I actually tried to rest, but no sleep would come.

So I planned. By tomorrow night, I'd be checked into a program.

Isolated, yet exposed to complete strangers.

Forced to examine the parts of my psyche I kept hidden even from myself.

Forced to deal with Edward's betrayal.

_What if I can't forgive him? What if _can_? Will he still want me? _

I was pretty sure that Edward got off on trying to fix things for me, even if he did it subconsciously. He was so stubborn and intense, with the focus of a big cat stalking its prey, relentless in his pursuit of knowledge in all things Bella. Sometimes I wondered if he considered me a puzzle he could solve. Perhaps he wanted to rearrange the pieces of my stupid, addicted brain so they fit perfectly. I hoped he enjoyed disappointment, because some pieces were just _missing. Gone forever._

I tried not to worry about it…I had enough on my plate as it was.

Sinking into Edward's arms helped lessen that oppressive feeling that always accompanied procrastination. He was glued to my back, his face buried in my hair, his weight pressing me into the mattress. One arm clutched me to him, his hand open over my chest. There was a tangible pressure from his hand that wasn't usually there, amplifying the sinking feeling that was trying to take over my chest. But it was his heartbeat against my back that lulled me.

His thigh rested between mine, our feet tangled together under the blanket. I was surrounded and safe until the sun rose over the mountains.

Eventually, exhaustion became greater than my will to stay awake, and all I could register was the comfort I felt in his arms. I instinctively relaxed; bit by bit, sensations dropping away one by one…until finally, there was nothing left.

**-x-**

There was one blissful, weightless moment of ignorance when I first woke, stretching and moving closer to the warm body behind me as a smile began to pull at my lips.

Then, in a literal blink of an eye, it all came rushing back, sending my heart plummeting through the floor. My eyes were gritty, dry, and swollen in the wake of last night's tears. I lay there, willing my heart to quit clenching painfully as I stared out the window and realized time was running out. It was early; pre-dawn light diffusing up from the horizon in a muted haze of fading midnight velvet. The sky looked thick, like a blanket of lush down, and I wanted it to shade us from sunlight for just a bit longer.

Turning my head to the side, I was met with a face-full of Edward's crazy hair. His face was buried in the nape of my neck, his breath washing over my skin in soothing, even breaths. Stretched out on his stomach, he had one arm flung over my waist. A pang of regret stung me at the familiar gesture.

I'd miss it. I'd miss _him_.

I didn't know what was worse: learning about his lies, or the pain I knew would come from being away from him. I couldn't think about it; my mind was too much of a jumbled mess to make much sense of anything. Carefully, I slid out from under his arm and padded to the bathroom to start the shower, being quiet but not making a huge effort to be overly so. Taking my time, I stood numbly under the hot spray, not finding enough energy to care that the water pressure was low, as usual. After roughly scrubbing myself dry and absently smearing on some lotion, I went back to the bedroom to dress.

When that was done, I packed a suitcase with a couple weeks' worth of clothes, shuffling about the bedroom on autopilot. Numbness wrapped me in an insulating cocoon as I finished packing and stood at the window to watch the sleeping city. Ironically, Edward had slept through all my preparations. As I watched, dawn suddenly peeked over the Cascades, midnight's ink leaching to lavender and slate and a glowing pink so intense it was nearly crimson deep in the mountain passes. Weak light spilled into the room, the deceptive sunlight promising fair weather when the clouds held anything but.

_Red sky at night, sailor's delight.  
Red sky at morn, sailor be warned…_

Was this some sort of omen? I didn't want to think the turbulence was just beginning. Hadn't I already weathered ten years of it? Though I tried to tell myself not to play the "what if" game, different scenarios and worries kept beating at my skull.

What if I hadn't run that night? Could we have avoided this mess? I supposed it didn't matter now. I still didn't have the answer.

I remembered that first morning, frantically sneaking through his bedroom, gathering my clothes and praying he would just stay asleep.

Now, I wanted him to wake, to notice even in sleep that I wasn't next to him, just so I could see his eyes again. But he slept on, dark circles smudged below his eyes and his brow knitted in the slightest frown. After setting my bag next to the door, I tapped out a quick text to Jake, inquiring about treatment centers, and another to Alice, explaining that I'd call her in a couple hours. Jake and Alice both knew what needed to be set in motion.

Slipping the phone into my back pocket, I grabbed an old composition notebook and a pen from the dresser. I spent a few seconds trying to convince myself to leave the room before I gave up, sitting lightly on the bed with my legs folded Indian-style and my back to the headboard.

For a while, I watched him, surprised at how weary he looked; fatigue was written on his face even now. I had so much to say, but no idea where to begin. As I slowly let my eyes drift back to the blank paper, the words finally stirred in my mind.

**-x-**

After I filled the page, I folded the crisp paper in thirds and wrote his name in a large scrawl over the surface, propping it against the lamp on the nightstand. The sound of Edward softly clearing his throat drew my attention, and I looked over to see him blinking the sleep from his eyes.

"Bella?" he questioned, confusion coloring his sleep-roughened voice.

"Hey," I whispered, rubbing my hand over the top of his for a moment as he took in my fully-dressed state. He glanced at the door and paled, and I knew he'd seen my bag. His jaw clenching, he slowly brought himself up to sit against the headboard with me. Linking his fingers through mine, he stared at our interwoven hands.

Such a contrast…our fingers, entwined – the exact image of what we'd been only yesterday morning. The exact opposite of what we were today.

"You're leaving?" His voice was flat and laced with hopelessness.

"I have to," I answered, bringing his fingers up to my lips. I brushed a quick, soft kiss over his knuckles and held them in my lap as I gave myself the luxury of closing my eyes for a moment.

"So that's it?" he asked, anger quite evident in his tone. "You're just going to walk. Throw away everything?" It was eerie. His expression was completely calm, yet there was no mistaking the discordant combination of intense emotions woven into his voice. His grip tightened on my fingers, the bones in my hand grinding together painfully. I didn't think he was even aware he was doing it.

"Edward, that hurts."

He immediately loosened his grip, yanking back his hand. I absently rubbed away the soreness.

"God, I'm…I didn't even…" He sighed forcefully, staring at his lap as he finally forced out the words. "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to hurt you."

I didn't speak, staring holes into his face, trying to literally make him _feel_ my gaze. The urge to yell at him for making a few bad decisions, for not really being as perfect as I thought he was, was incredibly strong. Even though I wasn't exactly an innocent victim in all this, I wanted to zap him right between the eyes, just to knock him straight.

But I didn't have laser vision or any other special talent like some character from _Heroes_; I was just a woman who was sad and mad and frustrated. So I settled for staring at him really, _really_ hard.

Finally, green eyes met mine, his normally vibrant, bright irises dull with the shadows of sadness and fear. Words bottled up, too many rushing for the surface at once. I pursed my lips together so hard they trembled, trying to keep my calm expression from crumbling now that he'd finally decided to look at me. All the words in my head settled, and one phrase stood out, steadily rising to the surface in the pool of memories like the bobber on Charlie's fishing tackle. Always floating right on top of the pond.

_I didn't mean to hurt you._

I shook my head, bringing my free hand up to touch his cheek. "You don't want to hurt me, but it happened anyway. Neither one of us meant to hurt anyone, but we're still in the same place."

The silence hung heavily and I watched as the hope vanished from his eyes. He stared at his lap once again, his jaw flexing and tensing.

"I've made mistakes too, Edward. I'm probably making one right now…" he looked up, green eyes impossibly soft and vulnerable amidst the harsh lines of his face. "I know I'm hurting you, but…please, don't make me choose. Because no matter how much I love you, I have to choose _myself_. You have to let me go."

Leaning forward, I buried my face in the crook of his neck, memorizing the way he smelled, clinging to anything I'd be able to take with me. Sleep had intensified the scent that simultaneously soothed my fears and stirred my more base instincts. It was rounded, devoid of rough edges or loud notes, smooth and perfect, a hint of summer that faded with a note of something almost sweet, like cinnamon.

_Cinnamon_. It was a good way to describe him. From the cinnamon-colored strands that glinted throughout his hair, hidden among tones of brown and caramel and gold, to his insatiable drive and slow-burn temper; if Edward Cullen was a hard candy flavor, it would have to be cinnamon.

But that was the thing about cinnamon candies: they were always sweet and tingly warm in the beginning, but some of them kept right on tingling and heating until it burned, until your tongue and lips buzzed with sensation to the point of pain. As a child, I'd always wondered: _how could something that tastes this good hurt so much?_

Until now, I hadn't realized how portentous that innocent childhood question would be.

When I was young, I'd kept the wrappers in case I couldn't take the heat, so I'd have something to stash it in. Sometimes I made it through the whole thing. Sometimes I never thought about the discarded candy again.

I wondered if Edward was afraid he was going to be one of the forgotten ones.

Taking one last deep, comforting breath, I leaned back to find him watching me. He gently squeezed my hand when I reached for his, our bodies no longer touching, our hands stretched out between us, keeping that physical connection that was so much a part of who _we_ were.

"Edward." What little voice I was able to muster cracked weakly on his name.

"What?" he whispered, his eyes shining with the tiniest glimmer of hope.

"I want you to know," I said, my voice broken and thready, "you don't have to wait for me." Swallowing thickly, I blinked back the faint sting of tears.

"Wait for you?" Myriad expressions flitted over his face - confusion, sadness and anger warred until he looked as shattered as I felt. I watched as they slowly disappeared, one by one.

"Yeah. I don't know how long I'll be gone. I don't want you to put your life on hold. I can...I can let you go." The last words were a faint whisper, overwhelmed by shortness of breath as I tried to rein in my emotions.

His face was now frustratingly blank, giving me no clues, reassuring or otherwise. I automatically jumped to the pessimistic side of the bandwagon, assuming he thought I was out of my mind for ever thinking he'd stick around.

Things went downhill as I began babbling, and I wasn't sure if I was going to cry or laugh.

"I know I'm the one who's leaving. And I want to be selfish, so much. The thought of you with anyone else makes me ill. But if you can be happy, and it isn't with me, I can accept it." I ran out of words just as a sad smile tipped up at one corner of his mouth.

"Bella…" He paused, looking down at our hands for a bit before he pulled me a bit closer. I noted the way his breathing accelerated as I followed his direction and leaned forward. The tip of his nose brushed my cheek as he angled his head to press his lips to mine. "Please, let's talk about this."

It was all in one rush of breath that feathered across my lips before he was all over me again, not really giving me a chance to talk. This was no soft, coaxing kiss. This was a kiss that made no concessions, one that asked for nothing. He took.

But this time, I couldn't give him what he wanted, no matter how much I wanted to.

Edward must have been desperate if he thought he could manipulate me with one of _my_ oldest tricks. I turned my head away from him, pressing my face into his shoulder. He curved around me, pulling me into a tight hug and ducking his head to bury his face in my hair.

He laughed a humorless, lonely sound. "Is it wrong that I really, really hoped you'd fall for that?"

I smiled, though he couldn't see. "Not at all, with as many times as _you_ fell for it." When he laughed again, his amusement was subdued but genuine. "You couldn't even get me to fall for it _once_."

"I'll just have to keep trying, then," he whispered. I stiffened, trying to look up at him, but he wouldn't let me. Was this his way of telling me he'd wait? "I'm not going to live in a world without you in it." It was a vow, punctuated by the way his fingers dug into my skin with a delicious bite of recklessness that was entirely entirely more pleasurable than it should have been.

I wasn't sure how I felt about his promise, except that I wanted it to be true. However, I didn't know if we could make it happen. We'd both have to work to make it right, but I couldn't fix anything else before I fixed myself.

I put it out of my mind, simply letting myself enjoy the feel of him next to me. It was something I'd be going without very soon.

_This is good. This is _us_. _This was where we fit best, taking comfort from the simple presence of one another. He was warm and inviting and his body curved around mine in the most perfect, comforting way. The calm rhythm of his breathing, the way he held me so carefully and the steady thrum of his heart…all of it might as well have been specifically designed to make me feel safe.

_God, I'm going to miss him_.

We stayed there, unmoving, weighted in silence. I almost enjoyed it. We might have drifted in and out of sleep, just listening to each other's soft breathing and steady, beating hearts.

All too soon, the idyll was broken by the chime of my phone, which brought the dread racing back.

It was a text from Jake.

**Alaska Airlines - flight 2264. Departs Sea-Tac 1500 hrs.**

**E-ticket is already booked - Alice and I will escort you. **

**Call me if you need anything.**

"I should go," I croaked, stiffening in his arms. He reluctantly let me go and I shifted away, only managing to put a few inches between us before I froze. "The longer I stay with you, the harder it will be to leave."

"Bella..." he sighed, reaching to brush a heavy wave of hair behind my shoulder. His warm fingertips grazed the side of my neck, lingering to soothe and stimulate my charged skin. He searched my face with an intensity that threatened to burn away every ounce of resolve I'd built up overnight.

"Thank you, Edward. You probably saved my life, you know. You helped me to realize I still had things worth living for, and I can never thank you enough."

"I don't want your thanks, baby," he murmured, bringing both hands up to frame my jaw. "You have to know I'd do anything for you."

I bit my lip, trying desperately to ignore the fresh wave of agony that washed through me when I thought about walking through that door.

"You don't have to go." He always could read me so easily... Leaning forward, he kissed my forehead softly before resting his against the crown of my head.

"But I do." Swallowing back the lump in the back of my throat, I laced my fingers at the back of his neck. "It's like you said...I'm willing to do anything for the person I love. But I want to love you fully, and I can't do it until I'm healthy. It wouldn't be fair to you."

"Bella...I don't give a shit about what's fair. I love you!"

"I know, Edward, and I love you, too...I just need time. Can you give that to me?" He was silent for a moment, his eyes piercing and troubled. Finally, his entire face softened, leaving his expression steeped in resigned sadness.

"Anything," he whispered, his lips moving over my temple and across my cheekbones. Slowly, they came to rest at the corner of my mouth, a brush of heat and breath away from a kiss. "I'll give you anything you need."

One shift to the right and his mouth was on mine, drowning me in heat and suction. His tongue flicked gently at my upper lip, drawing it between his teeth in a gentle nibble. I could feel the desperation in the way his muscles and tendons grew hard with tension. Trying to calm him, I ran my hands from shoulders to wrists; anything to soothe him.

After a few minutes, I pulled away, avoiding his eyes. I didn't want to see all the hurt I'd caused.

"Take care of yourself, Edward," I whispered, grabbing my suitcase and shutting the bedroom door.

**-x-**

I had no idea where I was going when I got into the truck. It wasn't the best idea for me to be alone, but I couldn't bear the thought of seeing anyone but Edward. I drove in a fugue, only coming back to myself when I recognized the spot where Edward and I had picnicked with Emmett and Lottie. Sand and pebbles dug at my bare feet as I trudged to the beach, my flip-flops offering little protection against the elements. I dropped to the sand as I neared the shoreline, coming to rest next to a large piece of weathered driftwood.

It was white; the cracked, yet smooth surface all but glowing against the dark grey of the sand and pebbles that lined the beach. I found myself wondering where it had come from ― what kind of journey had it taken? Where had it fallen into the battering, cold waters of the Pacific?

I traced a finger along one of the gnarled branches at the end, marveling at the workings of nature. This branch had fallen into a river somewhere, a river rich with salmon and sturgeon and other fish of the Pacific Northwest, making its way through estuaries and deltas to the open sea, before taking years of abuse at the hands of an unforgiving ocean.

Yet here it was, strong but cracked, smoothed and polished by the very elements that should have destroyed it.

If I was optimistic, I'd compare it to myself. But I knew my weak soul would have splintered under such stress. My soul _had_ splintered...and I didn't know if it could be fixed.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my chin against them, folding my body as small as I could make it. A chilly, late spring wind whipped my hair about my face, only mitigated by the warm, sparse sunshine that peeked through the spotty cloudcover. Whitecaps dotted the dark, turbulent sea, at odds with the glimpses of deep blue sky that split the clouds. I felt the dull buzz of my phone in my pocket, but I made no effort to answer it. There was only one person I wanted to speak to, and he was the one person I needed to stay away from.

He'd be better off without me.

The tears I hadn't been able to cry all morning suddenly broke through, spilling down my cheeks like the rain that threatened just on the horizon. I didn't sob, my breath didn't catch. They simply flowed from my eyes like blood from a cut, dripping slowly, leeching at everything that comprised my thoughts, my feelings...my soul.

**-x-**

Why the hell not? I was here. I was going away where this would be impossible. I wasn't in the greatest of moods, and I was tired of fucking thinking.

A glass of ridiculously expensive scotch with a name I couldn't begin to pronounce sat in front of me, displayed like solid amber in the cut-crystal glass. And just like prehistoric sap to a doomed sixty-five million-year-old mosquito, this much less viscous liquid had managed to trap me just as effectively.

I'd never been a fan, yet there was a glass filled with two fingers of twenty-year old single malt Scottish whiskey sitting right in front of me. The bar was empty, as was appropriate for this time of day. There weren't that many people who needed to get drunk just after noon.

Vanilla, peat smoke, tobacco and oak crossed my tongue as I took the first sip, followed by the delicious burn that I'd missed so much. It was nothing like the overly sweet and pungent flavor of absinthe.

It was good. Different. Almost like I was making a completely new mistake, and not one I'd made hundreds of times before.

I'd been here for an hour, staring at the clear and brilliant ochre liquid that sat before me. An hour of images, thoughts, and memories that plead with me to walk away. But ultimately, I was weak, just as I'd always known. Raising the glass to my lips once again, I took a gulp this time, letting the strong and stringent flavor wash over my tongue.

**-x-**

Alice and Jake came running toward me as I reached the ticket counter barely an hour before my flight was due to depart.

Choruses of _"Where have you been?"_ and _"I've been worried sick!"_ echoed in my ears, but I couldn't bring myself to respond. Wordlessly, I handed my identification to the ticket agent, watching her solemnly as she processed my travel arrangements.

"Passport?" she inquired, raising her eyebrows in question.

"I didn't bring it," I answered, my surprise matching her reaction to my admission.

"I'm sorry, you'll need it for travel to Vancouver. The new regulations are in effect, and all travel to Canada now requires a current passport," she said sympathetically. Irrationally, I wanted to punch her. How dare she speak to me with sympathy when she had no idea what was wrong?

_Maybe because it's her _job, _you witch._

"I have it." Alice stepped forward and slid the dark blue booklet across the counter, giving me a soft smile. Shoving my anger back and saving my curiosity for later, I simply answered the remaining questions and checked my luggage before swinging my laptop bag over my shoulder and heading for security.

The flight wasn't yet boarding when we reached the gate. Jake led me to a bank of empty seats while Alice rushed to find some food. For some reason, they wanted me to eat, though the thought of food sickened me. It would be like cardboard, tough and tasteless as it stuck to the back of my throat.

"Bella, I can smell the alcohol on you," Jake murmured, wrapping an arm around my shoulder as we waited for the plane to arrive.

"So?"

"So you need to eat. I don't know where you were between this morning and when you finally got to the airport, but I'm guessing food wasn't your highest priority."

I shrugged, not bothering to answer. The scotch burned heavily in my stomach, clouding my senses and lending a surreal quality to all the hustle and bustle that passed. Thank God it hadn't taken much to get me feeling almost numb from the inside out. I stared blankly as people passed me by ― on their way to meetings and vacations, scrambling through the maze of life and travel.

"Why are you here? Alice could have done this on her own. You didn't have to leave your family," My voice sounded lifeless, cold...flat. If my tone was this bad, I wondered what my eyes looked like. Were they dead? Desolate? Defeated?

Everything I saw was in black and white; drab and flat and unbending...unforgiving.

"I'm here because I've _been_ where you are, Bella. I'm here because you need to know you have a life after this. That you have people pulling for you. Most of all, I'm here for you and Edward...because I know what this can do to someone you love."

I finally met his warm brown eyes, dark washes of color that seemed to latch onto me and pulled me up from the whirlpool of alcohol and sadness.

"I almost killed Leah." Jake's voice was soft and serious. "Not physically, but emotionally. I almost ruined her. It took years for her to trust me again. I don't want to see the same thing happen to you and Edward. Things are tough enough for you two as they are."

A sob tore through my chest as it all crashed down upon me: Edward had lied to me. I'd fallen off the wagon ― again. And I'd done it on purpose. I'd left Edward behind. Here I was, about to get on a plane bound for the Canadian Rockies, where I'd be secluded and forced to examine the demons that had tortured me for ten years. When we landed in Vancouver, they'd take me to Bowen Island, and the place that would hopefully help me put my life back together. "The Orchard." All rehab centers had such pretentious names...

I tried to feel angry about it, but the only emotion I could really distinguish was an oxymoronic combination of dread and relief.

I was still crying into Jake's shoulder when Alice returned with a soggy sandwich and a bottle of Diet Coke.

"Bella," Alice murmured, and I didn't miss the tremor in her voice. I was hurting her, too. I tarnished everything I touched, and nothing was going to change that fact.

The turbulence was awful. Ten minutes into the forty-minute flight, my stomach revolted, and I had to make use of one of the airsickness bags they kept tucked in the seatback pocket. Alice held back my hair and murmured soothing words until I was finished, stroking my back with her other hand.

I closed my eyes for the rest of the flight, letting Alice and Jake talk over my bent head as I leaned on his shoulder. Sleep wouldn't come, but I managed to retreat into some kind of haze that insulated me from any distractions. Both of them tried to engage me in reassuring conversation, offering me what I was sure were useless bits of advice. But as the plane descended through the cloud bank, heading back to earth, all I could think of was Edward, and how I hoped I hadn't ruined both our lives.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you for reading! If you've got any questions, ask. I'll try to answer if I can. And if you feel like reading the embarrassingly huge amount of stuff below, that's cool._

_I'm sorry for the long wait. I'm going to finish this story, and I'm really busting my ass to get these chapters written. I just don't want to post crap for you guys. Of course, you may still think it's crap, but that's okay. I can live with it. _

_A few things: I'm a judge for the Fun With Your Clothes On Contest. It's a dry hump aficionado's dream. The link to the contest page is in my profile if you'd like more information or if you'd like to read the entries._

_I entered the AwkWard Contest. There's an anonymous judging component so I can't give you the name, but you can find it on my profile if you'd like to read._

_Finally, I'm writing an AU collab with EchoesOfTwilight, called Kill or Cure. We're posting under the penname PoeticMosquitoes, and we'd love it if you'd give it a try._

_**Kill or Cure**__: A pact between civilized vampires to stop drinking from humans. A scientific breakthrough that will eradicate the risk to mortals forever. But betrayal and temptation are dangerous things... _http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5805155/1/Kill_or_Cure

_If you're still reading, I know you're thinking, God, will she ever shut up? _

_If you want some funny or happy after this, may I suggest this gem:_

_**Adult Video of 167 St**__, by eye_ree: _http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5836833/1/Adult_Video_of_167_St

_It's full of delicious, awkward laughs. Trust me, you'll be giggling._

"_I'm not going to live in a world without you in it."* - I've paraphrased this from _New Moon_: (I can't live in a world without you in it). It belongs to SM, not me. _

_I should also add that I was watching the movie while writing some of this. I've borrowed some stuff here and there *cough volterra scene* and sprinkled it around. _

_Sorry again. Really._ _Bye!_


	20. Chapter 20: Event Horizon

_A/N: I was SO tempted to name this chapter "BRB: Volterra." Unfortunately, my snarky working titles don't really fit the story. This one had two. The other one was "Edward SMASH!!"_

_I don't own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended._

_Much love to my beta and fic-twin, EchoesOfTwilight._

_

* * *

_

_Go on crush me like a flower, rusted from the rain  
Come on, strip me of my power, beat me with your chains  
And if I'm the king of cowards, you're the queen of pain  
I'm rusted from the rain, I'm rusted from the rain_

Billy Talent - "Rusted from the Rain"

* * *

**Chapter 20:** **Event Horizon****  
**  
**EPOV**

After she left, I watched dim shafts of sunlight creep across the bedclothes until they finally disappeared in a wash of grey shadows, the sun slipping behind the usual cloudcover. Time passed, and whether it was slow or fast, I didn't know.

When full dark arrived, I was still in the bed ― _her_ bed. It had never really been _our_ bed, had it?

That didn't change the fact that it still smelled like her...like us.

As much time as I'd spent here with her ― as much time as I'd spent in her life ― some part of me had always feared my presence was temporary.

I tried to tell myself it was for the best. That she'd eventually come back to me. I'd never had a problem with optimism before; in fact, I'd been an annoying, vocal advocate. Now I realized it was just a crutch used by the ignorant to delay the inevitable. "Everything will work out" was such a crock of shit. The pessimists had the right idea: anticipate the worst and avoid the disappointment. I would have been much better off.

She was gone. I buried my face in her pillow, sucking in a deep breath through the fabric. The scent of her shampoo was fresh, tricking my brain into thinking that she'd be coming back soon. I pressed harder, until it was difficult to breathe through the cotton and down, wishing it was that easy, that I could just suffocate myself and drown in her scent.

It was when I realized the direction my thoughts had taken that I began to get angry. Suddenly infused with furious energy, I bolted up, tossing her pillow to the other side of the room. It smashed against a framed black-and-white photo, knocking it off the wall, where it fell with the muted shatter of glass.

It felt good. I wanted to do it again.

And again.

Gathering a handful of the bedsheets, I yanked as hard as I could, ripping them from the mattress in a couple short pulls. I whipped them away from me, hearing the tinkle of more broken glass as the comforter knocked into her desk. Chills prickled my skin at the sound, and all I could hear was one word, stuck on repeat in my brain: _again._ Thankfully, there was some snippet of rational thought floating around in there, one that told me it probably wasn't the best idea to trash her apartment if I ever wanted her to forgive me. I realized I was standing in the middle of the room, naked, the epitome of all that was sad and pathetic.

I didn't want to be pathetic. And I didn't want to be _here_, among all the memories this place held. She was on every wall, in every room, in the very air. Mindlessly, I dressed, grabbing everything I recognized as mine along the way. I shoved her letter in the back pocket of my jeans, still not ready to see her words. I didn't want to know if she was gone forever.

_I have to get out of here._

I was in the car in what seemed like seconds, leaving burned rubber in the parking lot, which was usually very hard to do on the perpetually damp streets of Seattle. The urge to drive ― where to and how far, I had no idea ― was incredibly tempting. To leave all this behind and never come back...surely that would be better than staying here amidst all the things that reminded me of _her_.

But I couldn't. I went straight to my place, parked in the garage, and walked through the back door of Denali. I didn't speak to anyone; didn't acknowledge Laurent's questioning glance as I grabbed an unopened bottle of Crown from behind the bar before heading toward the service doors. Mouthy bastard was lucky he didn't give me any lip ― I was itching to break something, whether it was an inanimate object or my assistant manager's face.

As the mirrored elevator doors slid shut, I stared in shock at my reflection. I looked fucking crazy. Hair was matted to my scalp on one side, while the rest stood up in a mess that would rival Einstein's. Dark circles were prominent beneath my eyes, a glaring reminder of my near-sleepless night...with _her._

It was a short ride to the third floor, thank God. If I had to stare at the poor idiot in the mirror for one more second, I'd end up with glass embedded in my knuckles.

My apartment smelled like stale antiseptic. Like a fucking hospital. Perfect. Shit...at least the place was clean. I hadn't been here enough in the past couple months to get it dirty, and someone came to clean once a week, since the building was on the market.

The door slammed behind me with a hollow crash, sending an echo reverberating through the loft. It only took a few seconds to realize I wouldn't be any happier here than I'd been back at her place. Even here, in this place we'd avoided, she was everywhere. After kicking my shoes off, I stalked to the kitchen island with my stolen contraband and ripped the plastic away from the lip. I didn't bother with a glass ― it would probably end up smashed against the wall at some point in the evening anyway.

As I raised the bottle, taking a long pull, I wanted to laugh at myself. Here I was, using the very same crutch that had caused her to leave me. _What's good for the goose is good for the gander..._

And then I did laugh, because it was impossible not to ― I was in a trap of my own making. I'd snared myself so efficiently, with such stealth, that I was hopelessly entangled before I even realized what was going on. Most of the damage had been done the first time I saw her. One glance at Bella was all it had taken to set all this in motion.

_Bella_. With a shock, I realized that was the first time I'd used her name ― even in my thoughts ― since she left. The simple combination of letters seemed to break through the numbness, the fog, battering at the weakened dam of my mind.

The sweet, shy smile I'd had no trouble bringing to her lips.

The light laughter I'd grown so used to hearing in the past couple months.

The soft weight of her frame against mine as she slept...

_FUCK!_

Why was this happening? What the fuck had I done to deserve this...this torture? All I'd wanted was her. Why couldn't she see that nothing else mattered, that I'd take care of her? If she really loved me, she wouldn't have left. Who could help her better than me ― no one knew Bella as well as I did.

_I_ knew her.

_I _loved her.

But I _couldn't_ help her...at least, that's what she thought. Maybe she was right. I'd tried my best, and we were still apart. For all I knew, I'd never see her again. Sure, Bella had made promises...asked me to wait for her...but would she really wait for me? Would she meet some other guy while she was gone, someone who could understand what she was going through firsthand?

After another long swig, I set the bottle to the side with a sharp clack of glass on granite. Bracing my hands against the smooth, cold surface of the countertop, I hung my head, squeezing my eyes shut as I tried valiantly to shove everything away. Guilt, anger, hopelessness, love ― all of them warred for control, bumping and banging against my skull until I couldn't take it.

An ugly crystal vase filled with lilies drew my attention. I suddenly realized how much I hated the smell, the pungency enough to turn my stomach. They were here for anyone who came to view the property, of course, to make the place look lived in. The Realtor and I didn't share the same taste in decorating, apparently. I allowed myself a humorless smile as the thought crossed my mind that this place still wouldn't be a home ― I wouldn't be _living_ here. Sure, I still breathed and my heart still beat, but the life had gone out of me the moment she walked away.

Striking out, I aimed directly for the heavy vase, sending it crashing to the floor. It shattered in every direction, water splattering against the hardwood and cabinets like blood as the vessel exploded in a starburst of tinkling shards. My hand stung with a delicious ache, sending a thrill through my veins as I stared at the battered mess of beaten flowers and broken crystal.

_More. Again. __  
__  
_Whirling around, I searched for something else fragile, breakable, delicate. Nothing was safe ― picture frames, plates, glasses, the television ― nothing save the bottle of whiskey. When I was finished, the room was a disaster filled with broken glass and plastic and overturned furniture.

I stood in the center of the living room, shaking, my blood pumping with so much adrenaline I probably could have lifted fifty cars. Every sense was painfully acute, my skin stinging as my nerves overreacted. Suddenly, it was all too much, and I'd have given anything in that moment to make it all go away. The bottle of whiskey on the counter gloated at me, the jewel-like amber liquid winking in smug satisfaction.

The broken glass digging into the soles of my feet hardly registered as I stalked back to the counter in my socks. It was good, this pain. I deserved it.

I gulped until I gagged, but still managed to keep it down. Hating the feel of cold glass in my hand, I threw the bottle against the wall, the remaining whiskey leaving ochre trails on the white paint as it streamed down the plaster. There was something fitting about the destruction I'd caused. After all ― everything else in my life was wrecked, why not this place?

As I staggered back across the room, I could finally feel the numbing effects of the whiskey. My toe caught the leg of the coffee table and I tumbled forward, coming to rest face down on the floor. How I managed to land on the one section of glass-free hardwood, I had no idea, though I doubted I would have noticed if I ended up with shards of glass in my face. Wearily, I flopped over and stared at the ceiling, trying ― and failing ― to follow the pattern on the refurbished tin tiles.

When the room began to spin, I closed my eyes...and thought of her.

* * *

"Edward, man, wake up!" _Emmett?_ What the fuck was he doing here?

"I think we should call an ambulance or something, dude. He doesn't look so good. Those feet are probably going to need some stitches." This was a voice I didn't immediately recognize, but it was someone I knew.

The conversation went on above me, neither party aware I was awake ― awake as I could be, considering that I felt like death. My chest was heavy, aching, the cause hanging at the edge of my awareness like the cruel, bloodstained blade of a guillotine.

They continued to argue above me, and I couldn't bring myself to care about either of them ― if they weren't Bella, I wasn't interested.

_Bella._

Her name was the trigger, and everything came crashing down, cleaving me in two as well as any real blade could. Bella was gone...and I didn't know if she was coming back. I must have moaned in agony or otherwise given myself away. Somehow, the two intruders figured out I was awake. Why couldn't they just leave me here, alone? The blanket of unconsciousness was so much better than my fucked up reality...

"Edward! Wake the fuck up! Dad's on his way, and if he sees you like this, you're gonna regret it, man." Emmett's voice was almost pleading, and the mention of my father was enough to send me shooting upright. My brain was not pleased with this new development, voicing its opinion in the form of severe, shooting pains behind my eye sockets.

"Fuck, Em...stop yelling," I moaned, pushing the heels of my hands against my eyes.

"I'm not yelling, you dumbass. You're hungover as shit and lying in a pool of blood and vomit. You're lucky you didn't choke on it!"

I heard a snicker to my left, followed by the sound of a sharp smack. "Ow! Fuck, dude, I should have never called you." Laurent. Fucking traitor.

"You called my _brother_, asshole? You're fired," I growled, still not opening my eyes. Some part of me felt that if I didn't see the havoc I'd caused, that would mean none of it happened. I'd wake up from this horrible nightmare and find Bella in my arms, warm and happy and safe.

Right.

"Shut the fuck up, Ed. You need help, and I can't carry your heavy ass all by myself."

"Who said you needed to carry me anywhere? I'm fucking fine where I am." It was a blatant lie, of course, as I'd just spent the night on a floor littered with shards of broken glass, but I wasn't about to admit I needed Laurent's help.

"Yeah, you look fine, E ― if bloody and drunk and covered in vomit is your idea of fine. You look like a homeless person!" For a moment, I'd actually forgotten Emmett was here, his name lost somewhere in my hungover haze. I certainly didn't want _his _help ― _or_ the "I told you so" that would surely follow.

"Fuck you," I said through clenched teeth, shaking off their grabbing hands and struggling to sit upright on my own. Finally, I wrenched my eyes open, grimacing at the white-hot pain that stabbed me as my pupils constricted in the bright light.

"No thanks, bro. I'm good with Rosalie," Emmett chuckled, shoving his hands beneath my armpits and hauling me to my feet. The room spun, and I would have fallen over had he not been supporting my weight. Nausea swirled in my gut, an ever-tightening knot that had my stomach cramping in pain. My head ached, and I felt like my skull was two sizes too small.

Laurent laughed along with my brother, adding "Looks like Bella did a thorough job of fucking you over."

As his words registered in my fuzzy brain, the various aches and pains of the hangover dissipated, draining into my feet in a rush and leaving rage in its wake. What the fuck did he know?

"You don't fucking talk about her!" I leapt forward against Emmett's hold, finally breaking free and body-checking Laurent into the wall. "You don't know_ anything!_" My fingers balled into a tight fist as I drew back my right hand, ready to clock the shit out of him. But Emmett was quicker, using his bulk and greater strength to restrain me. To my eternal shame, I felt tears burning behind my eyes, which only enraged me even more.

"Calm down, Edward! He didn't mean anything by it!" Emmett's voice was tinged with panic, and I took advantage of his surprise, fighting even harder against his hold.

"Let go," I growled, thrashing and kicking out at my brother. "Fucking get the hell off of me!"

"Fucker must still be drunk," I heard Laurent mutter. I whirled in his direction, finally breaking free of Emmett's hold. Bending at the waist, I tackled Laurent, hitting him in the gut with my shoulder and kicking his legs out from under him with one swipe of my foot. He hit the floor hard, tensing and shoving at my shoulders and head. "Emmett, get him off of me!"

I got in one good punch, splitting his lip, before Emmett dragged me away, wrenching my arms behind my back. He held my wrists in an iron grip as he swung me face first up against the opposite wall, planting his free hand against my shoulder and pushing me face first into the drywall.

A soft, vicious laugh burst out of my throat. "Ever the cop, as always," I spat, relishing the burn the gritty textured wall had left on my cheek.

"You need to calm the fuck down, _now_!" he yelled in my ear, punctuating his words with a harder shove on my shoulder. "Do you want Dad to see you like this?"

"Do you really think I care?" I couldn't stop laughing ― it was better than the alternative.

"What the hell is going on in here?"

Everything stopped. Emmett quit pushing, I quit fighting back, and Laurent stopped cursing me to hell. I sighed in resignation as I recognized the deep voice of my father, Carlisle, his tone laced with disappointment. I fucking hated that tone ― I'd heard it all too often as a teenager, and hearing it as an adult left an awful taste in my mouth.

I'd rather taste the foul liquor and vomit combination left over from the night before.

"Edward's gone fucking bat-shit crazy and is beating the shit out of his employees," Emmett said dryly, likely trying to lighten the moment.

"Yeah, since you two are related to this asshole, here, I'm gonna go downstairs and _run his fucking bar for him!"_ Laurent shouted, heading for the open door.

"You're still fired!"

"Bite me, motherfucker!" Emmett finally let me go as the door slammed shut, and I staggered to the only upright piece of furniture in the room ― the couch ― driving bits of glass even farther into the soles of my feet in the process. Wearily, I sank down into the soft cushion and closed my eyes.

"Edward, would you mind explaining what the hell is going on here?" my father asked, righting the armchair and pulling it closer to the couch.

"She left." I had nothing else to say. She left me, I was destroyed, and I had only myself to blame.

"Bella?" he questioned, and if I'd had my eyes open, I would have rolled them. As if there would be anyone else. Bella was the only person who could hurt me.

And the reality was so much worse than I'd imagined.

My parents knew about Bella, but I'd been hesitant to introduce them. Bella had been gun-shy after meeting Em and Rosalie, and I hadn't wanted to push her. Carlisle and Esme knew about her past due to Emmett and his big mouth, but they also knew how much Bella meant to me.

"No, Dad, the other girl I'm in love with," I retorted, but there was no malice behind the words. I only managed to sound weary, desolate, and hopeless. Carlisle sighed, and I knew he was debating on further questioning. I hoped he'd just leave me the fuck alone, because I really didn't want to deck my father today. He might be my father, but he could still beat the shit out of me, especially considering my condition at the moment.

"Hold up your foot, please," he said, and I heaved a sigh of relief, obeying him.

When he said nothing further, I allowed myself to relax just a bit. Blood had dried on my sock, causing it to stick to my skin as Carlisle peeled it away with careful fingers. The sting brought a hint of a smile to my face, and I sank farther into the couch, trying to tune out the two men currently invading my loft. The delicate tinkle of broken glass was comforting, as was the rhythmic brush of the broom over the wood floor as Emmett tried to clean up the carnage.

If only it would be that easy to clean up the mess inside of me.

* * *

By choice, I was alone for the next two weeks, though a day didn't go by without someone pounding on my door. The person varied day-to-day in no discernible pattern ― not that I opened the door to any of them.

Emmett only came by with his _I told you so_-s and those looks that were an oxymoronic mixture of pity and disapproval. Rose was ready to string me up by the balls, outraged on Bella's behalf. I couldn't do anything but laugh at the ridiculous sentiment. At least I wouldn't have to worry about Rosalie and Bella's relationship in the future.

_If Bella and I even _had_ a future..._

My father was somewhat better ― he had nothing but complaints about my physical condition, and was constantly harping at me to take better care of myself. At least he wasn't trying to talk to me about all the emotional bullshit.

_"You really should give your liver a break, Edward. You're not in college anymore. Emmett says you're drinking more than John Belushi and moping around like...well, you don't really want to know what Emmett said. __  
__  
__"The point is, I know you miss her, Son, but you can't be with her right now. She'd be upset to see you like this, and you know it."__  
__  
_His rationality always _had_ enraged me to no end, but fuck, he was right.

My mother meant well, but I couldn't take her affection. I knew it hurt her to see me this way, but I couldn't control it. The first ― and only ― time I'd let her in, she'd fussed over me, trying to make me eat and surreptitiously removing the half-filled liquor bottles from the loft, flitting about nonstop. She talked constantly as I pretended to pay attention, but her usually soothing voice grated on my nerves when she brought up the subject of Bella. She'd never understood why I hadn't introduced them, but how did a son explain to his mother that she could be a bit intimidating to someone as shy as Bella? But when Esme started to make angry comments regarding Bella and what "_that girl_ had done to her son," I broke.

_"You don't get to talk about her that way! Mom, just...don't. You know where the door is if you wanna keep it up," I snapped, standing so quickly the barstool I'd been occupying hit the floor with a sharp crack. She gasped, and the spatula she'd been holding landed near her feet and skittered over by the refrigerator. __  
__  
__Her hurt look hit me like a punch to the face, but I couldn't even apologize. Standing woodenly, I stared at her as she visibly gathered her composure and came over to me.__  
__  
__"Edward, you're my son, and I love you. I can't stand to see you hurting like this, and I'm sorry if it's one of my first reactions is to blame the person I believe is responsible for your pain. I'm only human, and I make mistakes and say silly things. Don't take it to heart, baby, please.__  
__  
__"But no matter how aggravated I may be with you or Bella, I want nothing but the best for you both. I honestly believe things will work out for the best, Edward. Sometimes finding the person meant for you is the easy part. It's what comes after that's hard." _

She'd hugged me tightly before quietly gathering her things and leaving me to ponder that particular time bomb of motherly advice.

Sometime later that week ― the days all blended together, so I couldn't be exactly sure ― I'd actually been happy to see Alice and Jasper at my door. If Alice was here, that meant information about Bella, and that was my Holy Grail at the moment.

Big. Mistake.

"How could you, Edward?" Alice raged, her eyes blazing as she burst through the door. She was like a short stick of ancient dynamite: tiny and volatile as hell. One hasty jostle or sudden movement, and _ka-boom!_ ― I'd be left with singed eyebrows and soot all over my face like some cartoon.

Jasper stood behind her in the doorway, making a motion that indicated I should keep my mouth shut. His eyes were wide as he shrugged, but he made no move to give me a hand.

_Nice, asshat._

I stood rooted to the spot directly where I'd risen from the couch at her sudden appearance, and when her hands hit me directly in the chest, they felt like little sledgehammers. My ass hit the cushions before I realized what was going on. Staring into the angry eyes of a seriously pissed-off Alice was a scary thing.

"Listen to me, you ass," she hissed, shoving at my shoulder in a quick strike. _Damn, she's fast! _ Her little hands could whip out at any time and pinch, shove, or poke me, and I was helpless to stop her as she continued her tirade. "If Jasper didn't vouch for you like the fucking Pope would vouch for God himself, I'd tell Bella to kick your creepy stalking ass. Then I'd kick you in your lying-sack-of-shit nuts while you're down!"

In a panic, I looked over at Jasper, desperately looking for some sort of rescue and still getting nothing. _Come on, man! Help a guy out, won't you? What the hell is going on here?__  
__  
__Oh, fuck...Alice knows.__  
__  
_"Alice, I―"

"You're unbelievable! Are you even operating with half a brain? Of all the things to cover up..." Alice stopped suddenly, raking both hands through her hair. She searched the clutter around me, her eyes finally locking on to a stray magazine like a heat-seeking missile. In the blink of an eye, she had it rolled up and started beating me over the head and shoulders, punishing me like a dog who'd taken a dump on the carpet. "Stupid, stupid, stupid man! It wouldn't have been such a big deal if you'd just told her, you moron!"

Each word was punctuated with a blow from her improvised weapon. "Mother _fuck_, Alice! Stop it!" I tried to shield myself, barely managing to guard my head with my forearms. "Jasper, call off your midget!" I finally yelled.

I heard the front door slam an instant before the blows stopped, and I opened my eyes to see Alice struggling against Jasper's gentle hold. The bastard was grinning ear to ear and didn't even try to hide it.

"I am not a _midget_," Alice said through clenched teeth. "And I'm pretty sure that term is less than PC nowadays." She visibly calmed, and Jasper loosened his hold. I stood up and moved to put the couch in between us, never turning my back on her for an instant. Alternating an irate glare between Alice and Jasper, I rubbed at my forehead, where she'd gotten in a few solid blows. Judging from the sting, I probably had a few nasty paper cuts.

"Edward, you look like hell," Jasper laughed.

"Well, thanks. You look great, too, Jasper. Wanna go braid our hair and gossip later?" I retorted before turning my attention to Alice.

"You think I don't _know_ how stupid I was? That I don't wake up every fucking morning and wish I'd handled it differently?

"So what? It was a mistake, and you have no idea how sorry I am. It doesn't mean I love her any less. I did something incredibly stupid, and I can't change it. I miss her so fucking much, but I can take anything if it helps her get better.

"So go ahead, yell at me all you want, but I'm going to be here for her until she tells me to go." My voice was low and unsteady, my blood pumping with a cocktail of volatile emotions I was growing quite used to. Anger, fear, grief, apprehension ― all of them thickened my blood, clogged my veins until a knot of pressure built inside my chest, creating an ache that never quite went away.

At a loss for anything else to say, I stared at the floor. Suddenly, small, warm arms enveloped me in a hug.

"You're an idiot, Edward, but she loves you," Alice whispered, and I had to bend down to hear her clearly. "She sends her love. She also made me promise not to yell at you. And if you tell her I did, I'll beat you with a magazine again." She pulled away with a small smile and I just stared, unbelievably hurt that Alice had gotten to speak to Bella, had possibly seen her recently. Jealousy thrashed about just under the surface as well, making the pain worse. Alice must have been able to read some of it in my gaze.

"Just give her some time, Edward. I promise you, it's all she needs." Time...simple on the surface, yet infinitely complicated, revealing paradox after paradox as each layer was peeled away.

I nodded, knowing I'd give it to her. I remembered telling Bella I'd do anything for her...but I had no idea how hard it would be to keep that promise.

* * *

I saw her in everything ― little elements that made her face constantly pop up like a mirage in the desert. And like a sun-baked man weary from trudging over the scorching dunes, I headed straight for the illusion, only to have my hopes shot to shit every time.

Laurent was the only person I'd consider seeing at that point, but I was a little afraid of retaliation after the way I'd decked him. He'd only been by once, to let me know that he was giving himself a substantial raise. I'd grinned as he yelled through my door. That son of a bitch was turning out to be a pretty damn good employee. Though I rarely left my couch, on those occasions I did look out the window, I could see heavy foot traffic in and out of the bar below. At least I could drown my sorrows without worrying I'd be bankrupting the place.

So I hid in the loft, pilfering booze from downstairs, though I did manage to keep from trashing the place again. Memories took over my brain ― not just events or dates, but textures, smells and sounds as well ― everything seemed to bring Bella to mind. I'd see a brunette on the new television, but the color could never quite match up to _hers._ Then I'd remember how soft the strands were. How they slid through my fingers like warm, silky water.

A voice on the radio might sound similar, but could never be as pleasing as the slight depth, that lacing of sexy smokiness _she_ had. Often, I heard that voice in my dreams, heated, low whispers filled with the promise of pleasure. Those dreams always left me hard and aching, wanting her warm body under mine more than I'd thought possible. _I had perfection...I had _her_...and now she's gone. _

I missed making her laugh in the mornings, missed playing little word games with her, and missed our little version of verbal chess that usually ended up as some sort of weird foreplay. I missed the way one of us would lose control, giving in to the lust that was always banked below the surface. I missed that feeling of first pushing into her, the way she was always so hot around my dick, the way her perfect little pussy took me in a wet slide that felt better and better every time.

On other, less pleasant nights, I still heard her voice, but it was agonized and angry, or so sad and hurt that every phrase that tumbled from her lips was like the slice of a knife. Her warmth no longer greeted me upon waking in the morning, and I cursed the cold sheets each time I reached for her in the middle of the night. This shit wasn't getting better with time. It was getting worse. I couldn't get any rest ― if I didn't wake with a raging hard-on, I was covered in a cold sweat, my heart pounding from some nightmare or fucking depressing dream.

Ever since I first laid eyes on Bella Swan, I'd dreamed of nothing but her. That still hadn't changed, even though she was gone. But for the first time, I began to wish I could dream of anything else. I finally began to realize the extent of our connection, and I doubted it was healthy. We took from each other, feeding, gorging ourselves on what the other loved to give.

I was a primitive, possessive asshole who'd approached Bella as if she was a wild bird with a broken wing: carefully, purposefully, trying to appear as nonthreatening as possible until I could swoop her up and try to mend her. If I healed her, did everything for her, bound her to me as tightly as possible, she'd never want to fly away when she was healthy. Why would she? I wanted to be everything she needed, so I was. Right?

I couldn't see her or talk to her_. I _miss_ her...so much. Why doesn't she write or call?_ Not that I'd answer, were I to see her lovely face pop up on the screen. I wasn't sure I'd read, if I recognized her pretty handwriting on a dirtied, worn envelope.

Putting off reading her note had been a stupid mistake. But some part of me felt as if that would make our breakup final. If I read her letter, then we were officially over... It was a completely fucking ridiculous idea, but I'd hyped it so much in my mind. I'd been avoiding it like a germaphobe avoided public restrooms, afraid she might have been telling me goodbye forever on that awful morning. It was only a small part of me, but there was always the _chance._

I couldn't put it off any longer. I had to see what might possibly be her last words to me.

_Edward,_

_I want you to know - we both made stupid decisions in the course of our relationship. I carry blame, too. I didn't handle my life very well for a long time before I met you, and I continued that self-destruction well after we became involved. If what's between us is ever going to work, I have to break this pattern. I have to go...and I hope you understand. I'm going to treatment today, and I don't know how long I'll be gone. I'm also going to ask you not to come after me - I need this time apart to think through all that's happened._

_I know you probably felt trapped. I'm fairly sure my reaction would have been terrible no matter _when_ you chose to tell me, and I know I certainly didn't make it easy for you. It hurts that you didn't have faith in my ability to work through it, and I might be angry, but I don't blame you. How could you have that kind of faith in me when I'm not sure I even have it in myself?_

_What I can blame you for is invading my privacy. And do you know what I hate the most? I hate that you did it for nothing, because I _came to you**.**_ I knew what I was doing when I walked into Denali with Alice and Jasper that day. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. If you'd waited just a bit longer, it would have saved us both a lot of pain._

_Yet, as I said, I'm at fault too – after all, I'm the one who ran away that first night – because I was afraid of everything you made me feel. Even then, you were different. You've _always _been different. Don't doubt it - your hold on me is permanent and unbreakable._

_Take care of yourself. You're important to quite a few people…including me._

_Yours always,_

_Bella_

In her letter, I'd searched for comfort, closure, and hope, and gotten all three. However, I didn't expect the giant Pandora's box of other baggage that came along with it. Those words, written in her messy, feminine scrawl, almost looked too beautiful to be the cause of such roiling emotions.

Experience had taught me that some of the most painful things in life came in beautiful packaging. I should have known this would be no different.

It was almost sickening to realize how much I fed off of holding her together, being the center of her universe. It was fucking crazy. When had I turned into such a self-absorbed prick? But once Bella had finally let me in, she devoured my attention like she was starved for human contact and affection, and all I could do was give her more. _We_ had become the vicious cycle. It was exponential, climbing higher and higher on our relationship Richter scale, turning what should have been good and healthy into something destructively all-consuming.

At some point, the pain began to abate just a bit. But with every degree the sadness receded, anger took root in its place. It all began with a sort of disbelief: _how could she do it? If she really felt the same for me, she wouldn't be able to stay away this long._ Maybe I was letting out all the anger I'd bottled up since the day she left. Maybe I was just mad because she was gone, and I missed her.

Twisted up with the anger was the lust, always the lust ― it entwined itself with every other emotion I felt where Bella was concerned. I wondered if I'd ever get to fuck her again, and lately when I fantasized, it was a little rough. I'd never hurt her, but I wanted to hold her down, pin her to me; ride her hard and deep while I bit at her lips and ears and the thin skin on her neck. Punish her with painful pleasure in a primitive display of dominance. Wanted to make her sore, make sure she'd still _feel _everywhere I'd been the next morning. I wanted to mar her body with tender purple marks left by my teeth and tongue and lips; leave proof of my exploration, creating a map for me to retrace the next day and the next.

Resigning myself to another sleepless night, I rolled onto my stomach, shoving my face into the pillow. I was fucking hard as a rock, and my dick didn't exactly appreciate the fact that it wasn't getting the attention it felt was deserved. I refused to jerk off to a letter...that would definitely cross the line from "normal" to "stalker."

A laugh escaped me at the thought, filling me with surprise as I realized that for the first time in nearly a month, I didn't feel weary at the prospect of beginning another day.

* * *

I spent the next several weeks by jamming my life with distractions ― I went to Al-Anon meetings, picked up a few of the slower shifts at Denali, and I'd started working on a tentative agreement for Laurent to buy me out of Denali over time. I'd slowly reduce my involvement with the property, stepping back from management, then to silent partner, and when Laurent was finally able to buy me out, I'd be done. I'd be left trying to find another balance, another way to make this city feel like home again. This time, however, it wouldn't be such a fresh start. There would be no clean slate for me...the canvas of my life was permanently etched with Bella's mark.

Sure, I had my parents, I had Emmett and Rose, but I began to realize how much of my life I'd built around Bella. She was gone, and it seemed like she'd taken half of me with her. I needed to learn how to live for myself again ― a very hard thing to do when I still missed her with every fiber of my being.

The transition wouldn't be a quick process, but neither would Bella's recovery. Would we be together by then? Happy? Or would we be over? I didn't want that, but I knew it was a possibility, and not just because of the way we'd left things. She wasn't...good for me.

I probably wasn't that great for her, either...but for all our flaws, we were whole together. It wasn't any of that "my weaknesses were her strengths" bullshit ― our faults were too similar. Putting the two of us together only added up to double the trouble. Somehow, though, it had worked. Would it...would _we_ even fit together when she came back?

* * *

It had been eight weeks, two days, and thirteen hours since she left me. Counting the days was one thing I hadn't been able to stop doing. Thoughts of Bella still popped up everywhere ― another thing I couldn't control ― which inevitably led to me thinking about how long it had been since I'd seen her. Though I still thought of her every damn day, the memories were becoming less overwhelming.

I started venturing out again. It began with little things, like meeting my parents or Emmett for lunch. The next thing I knew, I was being dragged into plans to play a round of golf later that week.

The next weekend, there was a cookout at Carlisle and Esme's. Going to the barbecue didn't sound like as much of a chore as I would have thought. I was surprised at how much better I felt now that I was letting my family back in. We had a silent agreement not to talk about anything involving Bella unless I brought it up, and there was no way in hell I was ready for that.

Our agreement was working well so far, though I had one moment of panic when Lottie asked me if Bella was coming. Shifting her from one arm to the other so she wouldn't notice the unhappiness on my face, I said, "Bella's taking a vacation."

"Why?" Charlotte asked sweetly.

I hesitated, my mouth hanging open stupidly as I struggled for a response. "Bella's been working very hard on something, and she needed to...uh...go to time out?" I didn't know why my voice rose in question at the end.

Lottie's lips pursed in a quizzical expression as she thought for a moment. "Why? Bella bad?"

"No, Lottie, Bella wasn't bad."

"But time-out bad." 

_Oh, to view the world from the vantage point of a child again..._

"No, honey, she wasn't bad. Bella just needed a break. To rest," I stammered.

"Why?"

If I never heard that sweet-voiced word again, it would be too soon. My eyebrows rose in panic as I looked to Rose, who shrugged.

"She's in the 'why' stage," she explained with an evil grin. Emmett stifled a laugh, and I thought I saw my dad's lips twitch as he flipped burgers on the grill. Traitors, all of them. Thankfully, Esme saved me.

_I always knew I was her favorite son...take that, cocksucker,_ I thought as I sent a dirty look Emmett's way.

"Bella was very tired, Lottie," Mom explained in a soft voice, taking the warm toddler from my arms. "You know, sometimes people need to take a vacation so they can rest."

"But why tired?" Charlotte asked seriously, her little face scrunching into a cute frown.

For me, it was strangely bittersweet ― Lottie obviously cared about Bella, which made me happy; yet I was afraid she'd be disappointed if Bella and I didn't work out. It would wreck me, knowing my bad decisions could hurt yet another person I loved.

"Bella's..." I began, my voice faltering as my words disappeared.

"Bella's been sick," Esme said quickly, lowering her voice. "She had to go on vacation so she can get better and rest."

"Bella okay?"

"She's fine, Lottie, I promise," I whispered, trying not to choke on it. I didn't even know if it was a lie or not. My mother's eyes were sympathetic and sad as I looked to her for help. Like the innocent child she was, Charlotte was easily distracted with picking dandelions from the yard, which always grew in spite of Carlisle's obsessive mission to keep a weed-free lawn.

That night, as I laid awake, I let my mind start to question why I still hadn't heard from her. I was doing as she'd asked ― giving her the space she wanted ― but it was getting so fucking hard. I missed her...so much. Any information about Bella was secondhand through Alice, and it was precious little. I devoured every tiny detail anyway. In the end, all I could do was trust that Bella would contact me when she was ready... but part of me was beginning to wonder if this was a sign that she wouldn't be coming back.

As I sat up in bed the next morning, staring out at the plush, lavender early-morning sky, I heard a sound that changed everything. My phone buzzed and rang on the nightstand, moving across the flat surface as it vibrated. Yawning, I reached over, enjoying a good stretch as I grabbed the phone. I nearly dropped it when I saw the picture displayed on the screen.

_Bella._

_

* * *

_

_A/N: Sorry for another long wait...I'm bad, I know. The next chapter is about ninety percent written, so look for it within the next couple weeks, maybe._

_Thanks to the new readers I've seen since I last posted. Glad you're giving this thing a shot. Huge thanks to everyone still reading, and mega thanks to everyone reviewing. I know you don't have to do it, and I'm a shitty author for not responding more, but I really do appreciate it. Thank you._

_I'm a judge for the Austentatious Endeavours Contest at PemberleyEstate on LiveJournal. It's a contest in memory of a much-missed fandom friend, LASMKE. Please visit the link for prompts and rules. Deadline for submission is May 18__th__._

http://community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/pemberleyestate/2830(dot)html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

_Want to read something else that will rip your heart out? Go read __**Stampede of a Thousand Pulses **__by ss10 - _A love so desperate it typifies addiction. "No one else." And he sounds so barbaric; the first sentence that carries no stutter is not sweet or even gentle. "Only me." AH/OOC/Dark.

_For something less heartichoke-filled, try __**Bite to Break Skin**__ by Jillian Landers - _There is a fate for Bella Swan that is beyond everyone's control-- even Edward Cullen's, unless he can agree to allow her to be changed. But will he concede before it's too late? OOC, AU

_You can find the links to both of these fics under my favorite stories. _

_Okay, I think that's it...I know I'm forgetting something, but then again, I usually do._


	21. Chapter 21: Limbo

_I don't own Twilight._

_Sorry for the wait, guys._

**

* * *

**

_But no, I'm not a skeptic anymore__  
__At last I see what all of this ridiculous hard work is for__  
__The moisture in the air is begging for release__  
__And the memory of your stare is raining down on me_...  
**  
****"Teleport A and B," The Spill Canvas**

* * *

**-Chapter 21: Limbo-**

I sat in front of the window, staring out at the lightening sky as the phone rang in my ear. It was that instant before the sun peeked over the horizon, one of only two perfect moments exactly between light and darkness. I stopped breathing as I waited, ready for the sun to appear over the mountains, ready to finally hear Edward's voice.

He didn't answer.

I felt deflated, like a popped balloon, everything in me collapsing on itself in less than a second.

_He didn't answer!__  
__  
_Forcing myself to breathe and working to calm myself, I shut my eyes and concentrated on inhaling deeply from the center of my chest, working through the panic. _There could be any number of reasons he didn't answer_, I thought to myself. _It's early, and he's probably still asleep._

As soon as I was beginning to let the distress go, the phone vibrated in my palm, and I knew it was him. I couldn't even wait the requisite two or three rings to answer, but actual _speaking_ seemed to be beyond my abilities this morning. A long moment passed when I accepted the call, but I could tell he was on the other end because a deep sigh gave him away. Soft rustling stirred in the background, the quiet slide of fabric over skin. _Is he naked? Oh, please...let him be naked. _

It was okay to dream, right? Just because I wanted him ― and boy, did I want him ― didn't mean I was ready to do anything about it. Now was not the time. But soon...I really hoped the time was coming soon.

"Bella_,_" he greeted in a rusty voice, tripping over the B in a way that made my breath catch.

"Hi." It was one word, but it seemed to take so much out of me ― so many connotations in one simple syllable. "Did I wake you?"

"No, I actually just woke up." I expected him to elaborate, but he did no such thing. This Edward was different...more cautious, maybe? There was more moving on his end, as if he was getting out of bed. "How are you?" he asked, a familiar concerned note coloring his tone. Now this was the Edward I remembered. He was both now ― and then it didn't matter to me if he was different. He still had that part of him that just clicked with its counterpart somewhere inside me. Lock and key, the chalice and the sword, and all the other perverted, suggestive, Da Vinci Code-esque metaphorical crap...if I wanted to be dramatic and pretentious about it.

I had to make a mental note to myself to take a break from reading for a while. Maybe it was time to take up sketching or something.

"I'm well, Edward." I hoped he could hear the smile in my voice. But I wanted to hear _his_ voice. It sounded so good...I just wanted to close my eyes and listen. "How are you?"

"I'm...doing pretty well. Okay...I guess."

Another long pause, and I realized how stilted this conversation was sounding, all because I was too busy trying to process the influx of feelings that came from only hearing his voice. I forced a little laugh. "Wow, could we make this any _more_ awkward?"

His low, earnest laugh hit me right in the ribcage and fell straight through my feet. "Communication never has been our strong suit," he joked right back. My face relaxed into a slow grin as tension began to seep from my frame, and I leaned back into the chair. "I've missed you, Bella_._"

I closed my eyes, picturing his smile, imagining his lips move as he speaks. "Same here," I managed in a small, hoarse voice, listening to more movement on his end of the line. I heard a door click shut and then, nothing. The silence crept in again, and just as I began to worry he saved me.

"So, it's early... Are you still in bed? What are you wearing?"

I giggled, his questions startling me and turning me on in equal amounts. "I'm not sure I should answer those questions." Belatedly, I realized how much innuendo could be inferred from my statement.

"Oh, come on, I'll tell you..." he prodded, and I kept it going.

"You'd be very disappointed."

"Never."

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"What are _you_ wearing?" I quipped with a laugh...and then I realized what he'd done, falling silent abruptly. There I was, thinking I'd turned things around on _him_...

"I'm still in bed, wearing a t-shirt and a pair of loose pants," he answered immediately, the smugness radiating even though the cellular signal.

"Sweatpants?" I had no idea what possessed me to keep up this ridiculous, borderline dangerous conversation. This was easy, and it felt like it was the same for Edward. I was desperate to make this a good experience, a great reminder of what I could have when I was ready.

"No, they're um, workout pants?"

"You're asking me?" We both laughed, and it made me so warm inside, felt so good against the slight chill of early morning breeze coming through the open window.

"No, now I've told you. It's your turn," he insisted, his tone cajoling. He _should_ have been annoying.

Yes, he should have been, but he wasn't. "I'm not in bed, and I have a robe," I said shortly. "And no shoes." Why the hell I found that fact important, I had no idea.

"How long's the robe?" Pervert.

"Knee-length." I was going to make him work for every detail.

"And that's it?" he rumbled, and it was so freaking sexy I wanted to shiver or something equally stupid. _This needs to stop, soon! Small steps, remember? No giant leaps for Bella-kind. Keep it simple._

Blah, blah, blah. I hated admitting it, but the damn mottoes actually made sense.

"Sorry, no. There's a ratty t-shirt and shorts under there."

"Why are you sorry? It would be fun to take it all off...piece by piece." _  
__  
_I had to stop this, right now.

"Okay, okay, Edward. Time for another topic," I said quickly, trying to sound resolved and failing.

"Oh...I, uh...yeah," he stammered, falling silent.

Another long moment passed before I finally found my words. "I'm sorry I haven't been in contact. I had to do it that way...I hope you understand."

"I know, Bella," he whispered, and his hurt was palpable, but there was no real bitterness in his tone. "I have something to say, too...I'm sorry. I lied to you, and it was the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life. You don't have to forget what I did, Bella, but I hope you can forgive me."

"Oh, Edward," I said on a soft release of breath. His apology was enough, for now... "I'm working on it."

"Are you coming home?" he blurted, sounding so hopeful, and I winced at the thought of having to hurt him.

"Edward, no...not yet. But...I'd like to see you."

"You would?" It almost hurt that he sounded so surprised.

"Yeah...that's a big part of why I called, actually," I admitted.

I was about to continue when I heard something on his end that made my heart stop. If it had hands and a tiny dagger, it would have stabbed itself.

"_Edward, hon, what are you doing up?_" That was _not_ Edward's voice.

"You're not alone?" I said, rather loudly, and I remembered I needed to stay quiet, because the walls here weren't that thick. _Is that why he didn't answer the first call? Because he had to wait for someone else to leave the bed? Oh, God..._ It all began to overwhelm me, and I knew that blocking all emotion from my head was the only thing I could do to stave it off. "Oh," I breathed shakily. "You...you're... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called."

_He didn't wait..._ I couldn't believe it. I wasn't sure if there was ever a time when I'd really considered the possibility that he wouldn't. Hadn't dreamed that he didn't...want me.

"Wait, Bella, it's really not―" he tried to say, but I cut him off. I needed to get out of this before the feelings came back.

"No, it's okay, it's too early to call. I ah...I'll call you back sometime later, okay?" Though I tried valiantly, I couldn't keep the shakiness out of my voice. The need to scream or cry was creeping up on me, taking hold with sharp, red tendrils of heat, and I didn't know how long I could keep it in.I vaguely registered him speaking, but it was hard to understand him over the static that hissed in my ears. "Bye, Edward." Quickly disconnecting, I dropped the phone to the cushion beside me and stared out at the washes of grey and green beyond the glass. My vision misted, colors dripping into one another outside the window, and I wasn't sure if it was condensation from my breath on the chilled pane or actual tears.  
_  
_This is what I'd wanted, right? I didn't want him to put his life on hold...and it looked like he wasn't. Screw trying to be noble if this is what it got me ― if I was really honest with myself, there was _one_ part of his life I wanted him to save for me. We both needed to learn how to exist together without existing _for_ one another, and that meant going on with our separate lives while apart. But the thought of Edward with some other woman was...

Sickening. Crushing. _Infuriating_.

Oh, yes...it was good that I'd ended the call when I did. Who knows what I might have said to him in this mood. The phone rang, and I knew it was him. It rang over and over, for about ten minutes, before I turned it off and shoved it under my leg, like if I couldn't see the phone, Edward couldn't call it.

I was in shock. _It's only been two months. Two months! He couldn't keep it in his pants for two months?_ I hadn't even had the nerve to touch myself while I'd been here, since I wasn't sure if it would just make me want him even more than I did already. Now I had two months of sexual frustration built up and he was shacking up with some other chick!

I had to force myself not to think about it. Since I was being bombarded with it daily, I decided there probably wasn't a better situation to try out this cognitive restructuring shit. Every time I found my thoughts wandering in his direction, I decided to do something else, like take a walk, or write, or something constructive. This, in turn, was supposed to help me calm myself enough to rationally analyze those thoughts.

It was a lot fucking harder than it sounded...believe me.

**-x-**

A week later, I was still steaming. I hadn't been able to think about anything else but Edward and his new girlfriend. Pouting, that's what I was doing, but why else was I here? It was something I felt I needed to do, and what better time to work through my emotions then when I was in fucking rehab?

Before I knew what I was doing, I had my phone back out and on, and I didn't even bother listening to the numerous voicemails. I was livid, and he was going to hear about it. _How dare he have sex without me!_

"Bella," he breathed before even one ring went through.

"You asshole!" I blurted, all my plans for a scathingly eloquent speech deserting me.

"It's not at all what you think, I promise!" he insisted, and the voice, God, _his_ voice was distracting.

"I'd love to hear what kind of magical explanation you have for the _woman _who was in your house at _dawn_."

"I wasn't at home, Bella," he said quickly and I suddenly realized what people meant when they said they saw red. Crimson and carmine coated my vision like some movie parlor trick, and I wanted to home in on vulnerable parts of Edward's anatomy so I could destroy, destroy, _destroy_.

"You have got to be kidding me! I can't believe you!" I sputtered, sitting straight up and knocking a pillow to the floor. Edward was yelling on the other end at the same time, and I finally heard a clear sentence.

"I was at my parents' house! That was my mother, I swear."

"Your mom?" Oh, _son of a bitch_.

"Yeah, my mom. Bella," he said, his voice going hoarse, "how could you think I'd do something like that?"

"We didn't really make any promises, Edward. You're free to do whatever you want," I answered flatly, all the fight hemorrhaging out of me. It was quickly replaced with anger and disappointment in myself. I hadn't come as far as I thought...and it was a hard truth to acknowledge.

"What I want is to be with you."

"Edward―"

He interrupted me, his voice getting louder and more intense. "The only person I want to be with is_ you_, Bella. Just you. Consider this my promise." Those words curled up inside me, taking root and calming the swirling doubt that I'd been feeding all week.

I smiled, and it was huge and slow. "I only want to be with you, too, Edward."

"And is that _your_ promise?" he whispered softly, though the lower volume didn't hide the anxiety in his voice. _Silly man...who else would I ever want?_ I didn't think I'd ever want anyone, and he'd wormed his way into my life anyway.

"Yes, it's my promise."  
_  
_

**-x-**

I sat down, once again marveling at the strange conversations leading up to this visit. Though if anything, it had only helped to convince me that a future with Edward was something I'd fight my hardest for. It was three twenty-seven, and I was perched on the edge of an old Adirondack chair, nervously awaiting the dismissal of Saturday's family program. My right knee bounced incessantly, no matter how much I tried to stop it. When I could pry my eyes away from the door, I forced myself to stare out at the mountains, trying to spot something new in the thick mat of coniferous forest that blanketed the earth in green.

Sunlight glinted off the pool in front of me, the surface glassy and flat, the cool shimmer almost irresistibly inviting in the late summer air. Maybe Edward would enjoy going for a swim? I sure as hell hoped he had something planned, because I'd been too nervous to think of anything. There wasn't much to do on this tiny island; the calm, laid back pace a perfect fit for recovering addicts ― the only thing for people to do was be in each others' business, since the town was small ― but I worried Edward would be bored. I'd promised myself I wouldn't let temptation get the best of us ― jumping right into bed wasn't the way to begin our new start.

I wasn't sure how I'd be able to maintain a respectable distance between us after two months of no contact. Hearing his voice last week had been devastating and exhilarating. It seemed my life suddenly involved a lot of paradoxical emotions. But I knew I needed to see him, no matter what.

Let it be was more than just a Beatles song.

I was tired of trying to stay away from him. I wanted a second chance ― something I'd have to be willing to give him as well ― so I had to work through the residual anger. Surprisingly, I was finding that it no longer mattered so much in the face of my desire to see him again. Going into this reunion with expectations was a stupid idea, but I couldn't help but obsess over how it would turn out. How much would he want to talk? Would his hair be longer? Shorter? Lightened by the slight increase in sun the summer had brought? Would he be thinner?

Would he like the extra five pounds I'd put on, or would he wish I hadn't eaten quite so much? I almost laughed when I realized that I must be improving just a tiny bit, if typical female worries were creeping into my list of concerns.

The faint scrape of a shoe across the paving stones sounded just to my right. My head snapped over, my heart full of butterflies and hope as it tried to leap out of my chest.

Everything stopped, and it was eerie. For a second, no insect chirped, no bird sang, and no wind blew. He was the same. His hair was a bit shorter, maybe, as if he'd just gotten a trim. Dressed simply in a black t-shirt and jeans, his hands shoved in his pockets almost self-consciously, he looked younger than I remembered.

I stood slowly,taking a few steps toward him, wiping my damp palms on my shorts in a gesture I just knew gave away my apprehension. Managing to raise one hand in a little wave, I mouthed, "Hi."

A huge grin transformed his handsome face from nervous to joyful as he started forward, the sun picking up the reddish highlights in his dark hair. The light reminded me of flames as it danced along the tips, growing brighter as he drew nearer. It seemed to take years for him to cross the short span of paving stones that separated us ― yet I knew in reality it only took mere seconds, if that.

Then he was there, in front of me, sweeping me off my feet as his arms locked around my back and I threw mine around his neck. Burying my nose in his soft, thick hair, I greedily sucked in a breath, searching for that hint of comforting scent that defined him alone. I could feel him doing the same.

At that moment, everything boiled down to instinct ― my senses took over, the animal overriding reason. No matter how civilized we thought we were as a species, we were still driven by some of the most basic instincts in nature. The body recognized its mate not only by sight or sound, but by that trace of scent that stimulated the senses and triggered the release of endorphins.

Poets wrote about it as love or physical attraction.

I could admire it. But no matter how beautiful I found the poetry, the raw, primal beat of the animal was always just below the pretty words created by human intellect. Because it wasn't the mind that controlled the root of those impulses. It was chemistry, and it had always ruled us.

Neither of us spoke as he all but crushed me with the force of his hug. I could feel his heart beating against my chest, mine thudding in a complementary rhythm. My feet dangled nearly a foot off the ground, one of the sandals I wore slipping to the stone, and I laughed into his neck.

"It's good to see you, Edward. Think you can put me down now?" I asked softly. In response, he let me slide slowly down his body, reminding me of things I had no business thinking about at this point in time.

A hand came up to tug on a lock of my hair, and I could feel him winding it around his finger. Those all-seeing eyes searched my features, cataloged every little detail. I hooked my index fingers in his belt loops, needing to touch some part of him, but not quite trusting myself to touch his bare skin.

"You look beautiful," he said softly, the warm timbre of his voice washing over me like a slow, gentle swell in a tropical sea.

"You don't look bad, yourself," I forced out, the first word not quite audible. His mouth pulled up at one corner as he looked down at me. The spring green of his irises warmed with appreciation as I nervously licked my lips. I could feel the blood heat my cheeks, which would be blatantly apparent in the afternoon sunshine.

"What would you l―" we both started, grinning and laughing at each other in a fit of nervous energy.

"You first, Bella," he prompted, his fingers grazing my neck. I took in deep breath, my fingers remaining rooted to his belt loops, maintaining white-knuckled control over my impatient hands.

"What would you like to do?"

"Are you allowed to leave the grounds?"

"Yes. I just can't leave the island. Did you have something in mind?" I raised a questioning eyebrow, hoping that he didn't automatically assume we were going to go somewhere more private.

I was afraid I'd give in without much fuss.

"Well, I was wondering if I could take you for an early dinner. Or late lunch. I think I should make sure you get something to eat. Whatever you'd like," he finished quickly, and I could've sworn he blushed the tiniest bit. I loved this more boyish side of Edward. Something else was different, as well ― he seemed lighter, more open. Some tiny part of me began to wonder if repairing what was between us would be so tough after all.

"That sounds perfect. I was too nervous to eat much today," I admitted.

"Let's go, then," he said, a slight curve to his lips. Letting my hair fall free of his fingers, he pulled my hands from their death grip at his waist, keeping my right hand as he tugged me toward the car. I knew he wouldn't have driven all the way up from Seattle, but some part of me expected him to lead me to his familiar silver sedan. Instead, he guided me to a sleek, black car I couldn't even begin to name.

All I knew was that it looked fast and very expensive. I was almost scared to get in.

"You trying to impress me, Cullen?" I joked nervously as he opened the passenger door and handed me inside. When he was settled in the driver's seat, his seatbelt buckled securely in place, he looked over to me, grinning like a little kid. I couldn't help but return his smile.

"Is it working?" I loved the way his eyes glinted with just a bit of wickedness, igniting a slow burn low and deep in my belly. It only seemed to feed the butterflies that were rapidly reproducing in my stomach.

"Maybe," I conceded, hiding my smile and looking down at my lap as he put the car in gear.

He chuckled softly, focusing on the road as he navigated the unfamiliar town. "I saw this little restaurant overlooking the bay. I thought we could give it a try. Then, if you want, we can go for a walk, or to the beach."

"We'll play it by ear, then."

"Great," he said, his grin becoming wider.

Soon, we were tucked in a little corner of the quaint restaurant, where the booths were lined with red and white checkered table cloths and baskets of freshly baked crusty baguette chunks tempted every patron. The room smelled of bread, fresh herbs, salt, and the sea, making my mouth water in anticipation. The early afternoon hour left the restaurant nearly empty, making it all seem much more intimate than I was comfortable with.

When my eyes met Edward's across the table, however, my mouth kept watering, but for an entirely different reason. He clasped my hand across the table and didn't let go. After the waitress had come and gone, our orders placed, he eyed me speculatively as the pad of his thumb stroked the back of my hand.

"You look really great," he said with a grin, and I looked down at our hands with heat rising in my cheeks.

"Didn't we already have this part of the conversation?"

"Did we? What did you say about me? I can't seem to remember." Oh, I'd missed these silly times between us...so much.

"I said you didn't look so bad," I answered coyly, peeking up at him through my lashes.

He frowned in exaggeration. "I'm not sure I'm very flattered."

"Like you don't know how good-looking you are," I said, laughing. He was currently looking a bit disgruntled, and most of me was sure he was playing it up. "Edward, fishing for compliments isn't very becoming. And you know very well I like what I see." I raked my eyes up and down his torso, appreciating the fit of his shirt.

He grinned. "That's what I thought."

As we ate, we discussed everything, nothing, and all things in between. We even skimmed the subjects of therapy and group meetings, but we'd only barely touched on them, pushing them aside in favor of lighter topics for the time being. After our plates were cleared away, he patted the bench seat next to him.

"Would you like to sit over here with me?" His lips twitched at the question, curving into a tiny smile, and while my brain tossed off a few halfhearted warnings, my body was out of the seat before I realized it, and pressed against his side milliseconds later. He sighed happily as he draped an arm around my shoulders. "I've missed holding you, hugging you," he whispered, his lips grazing my hair.

"I've missed _you_," I returned simply, letting my eyes fall shut in happiness as I was once again overwhelmed with the feeling of homecoming I got from being in his arms.

We shared dessert, and he let me eat most of the creme brulee. He watched me like a creep, and I teased him about it with an offhand comment. I knew immediately it was the wrong thing to stiffened next to me, shooting an imperceptible glance my way.

"I'm sorry," I said softly, poking at his spoon with mine in the little dish. He looked up with unsure eyes, and I gave him a timid smile. "At least I can make a joke about it now." I refused to watch anything but his face, hoping he'd understand that I was on my way to working through what had happened.

His grin was wide, triggering a rush of relief as we both realized this was just another sign that we still got each other, still clicked. All too soon, his smile disappeared, but he didn't exactly look unhappy.

"About that, Bella...we need to talk."

"Do you think it could wait until we're done here? I think I'd be less on edge if we were somewhere less...populated," I tried to explain, gesturing to the increasingly busy restaurant.

"Oh, of course." He shot me a warm look. "Sorry. I didn't notice how busy this place has gotten. I wasn't really paying attention to much else apart from you."

**-x-****  
****  
**

Edward took me down to the beach, armed with blankets and hot chocolate. I teased him a little for his over-zealousness, all the while secretly enjoying his attention. At first, I sat facing the water with my hands planted behind me for balance, getting lost in the view. Edward never had liked being ignored, and soon enough, he huffed a huge sigh before grabbing his belly and laying his head across my legs, sprawling out all over the blanket.

"Did someone eat too much?" I laughed, looking down at his pouting face.

"I was hungry," he said, quickly defending himself. "The food was delicious, and so was the company. I didn't want to leave." This time his voice was dark, rich, and when his pout morphed into an incredibly sweet smile, one huge butterfly fluttered its wings in my belly.

"Let me sit up, please," I urged, and he lifted his head while I crossed my legs Indian-style on the blanket. He tried to re-situate his head in my lap, but the position I'd chosen wasn't the best for him to continue lying on me. As much as I was enjoying being close to him, I was much better off with a little separation between us. He made grumpy noises as he sat next to me, mimicking my position. Defiantly, he grabbed one of my hands and held it in both of his own. I let him keep it and watched the water for a few more minutes.

"So, that private investigator stuff? That's really weird. You _do_ realize that's not okay, right?" My words had started soft, scratchy and unsure, but I managed to finish strong. He needed to know that sort of behavior wasn't normal or rational.

"I made a mistake. It was the wrong decision, and I'm sorry," he said.

Finally, I was ready to stop watching the glittering water, and I found him gazing at me, his eyes unreadable. His face was so dear, and I was eager to re-familiarize myself with every detail.

Now he looked unsure, and I could tell he wasn't happy with my silence. "Look..." he paused, nervously looking away for a moment. "I couldn't stop myself from looking for you after you left my place the first time." His green eyes met mine, and they were hot with his determination to explain.

"When I first noticed you, I was at a plateau in my life, I guess. I left Chicago and came back to my family in Seattle because I thought it would make me happy, but I still wasn't satisfied." He held my hand gently in his, turning it over in his hands and stroking his fingertips over my open palm. I enjoyed it too much to deny him his distraction. It was almost ticklish, the sensation going straight to my spine and shooting down. "And then I found you...or you found the bar," he teased, giving me a quick grin. "I just knew I wanted to be in your life, or I wouldn't be happy."

"Edward," I said softly, closing my fingers over his and scooting closer to him, so we lined up shoulder to knee, facing the bay. "You can't put all your happiness on being with me, and I can't do the same with you. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn here, and I'm still not sure I've mastered it.

"Despite everything...I still want to give this a try. I don't know when I'll be ready, and we might not work even then. I want to be a part of your life, and I want you to be a part of mine...but none of it will work if we're not completely honest with one another." There it was. I put myself out there, and he could take me...or leave me hanging in the wind.

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella. I promise."

"Good." I sighed and leaned into him, soaking up his warmth. We watched the twinkling bay in a somewhat comfortable silence, enjoying the velvety white noise of the ocean waves.

Nothing else needed to be said right now...I just hoped what we _had_ said was enough.

**-x-**

"I guess you have to go in soon." It was cute, the way he sounded so glum. It was all very reminiscent of a high-school date, or at least, my approximation of what a high-school date should be, considering I'd never had one. Yet here I was, sitting in a parked car with Edward.

"Yeah...I sort of have a curfew," I said, grinning sheepishly. "Next time you come, I won't have so many restrictions."

"You want me to come back?" he asked, and I could see the hope and surprise in his gaze on top of the underlying hurt that hadn't left his eyes all afternoon.

I nodded, unable to speak past the knot in my throat. I'd been afraid he wouldn't want to come back. My favorite smile formed on his lips, the one that started at one corner and lit up his whole face, the one I dreamt about more than I'd like to admit.

"I'm glad," he whispered, his lips touching my forehead in a gesture that I loved and hated. It felt so good, the press of his warm lips and the slow wash of his breath, yet I wished for more. That was where the danger waited, I just knew it. "I've missed you...so much."

"I missed you, too. I'm glad you came today." _I love you. _

"You don't realize how long I'd wait for you...and I'd be here every weekend if you'd let me." His hands came up to the sides of my face, holding me in place for the light pressure of his lips. It went no further, but it was enough. Enough to reaffirm our connection better than any passionate embrace could.

We were silent as he helped me from the car and walked me to the front entrance, and I didn't want Edward to leave. Stares greeted us as he walked me to the visitors' area in the main complex, but I found it easy to dismiss the usually ever-present worries that they were judging me. For the first time, I finally began to feel like I was on my way to being normal; no matter how hard I'd tried to deny it, I wanted Edward to be essential to that normality.

He sank into an empty armchair, pulling me down into his lap, obviously in no rush to leave. I blushed like a schoolgirl caught making out with her boyfriend on the front porch after a date. It wasn't exactly an uncommon occurrence when I was with him, but it somehow felt more heated, more intense, and I worried it would be glaringly obvious. As soon as I finished the thought, I knew how silly it was for me to be concerned about it...this was Edward. I wanted to be with him, despite the leftover anger I sometimes felt about what had happened. But we'd agreed to be honest with one another from now on, and that's what was most important ― we had to move forward and work at being better, both on our own and as a couple, when it came time for that.

"You know," he said thoughtfully, his face softening in a smile that warmed the golden flecks in his eyes. "I think that might have been the most 'normal' date we've ever had."

"So you think this was a date, do you?" I teased, pursing my lips together so I wouldn't smile. He blinked in surprise, and I almost missed the hurt expression that flashed over his features before he forcibly smiled in response to my joke. _Oh, no...I don't want that_.

"Well, that will teach me to assume," he quipped, laughing halfheartedly.

"I was teasing. Of course it was a date." Now it was my turn to force a smile to my face, but it wasn't hard to keep there as I rested my hand on his arm, the one wrapped around my waist, hoping that the action would show him I was happy to be so close. "And I had a wonderful time," I said quietly, all pretense gone. "Thank you, Edward."

"You're welcome, Bella." His face was open and warm as he lifted his other hand, the pads of his fingers grazing my jaw. I instinctively lifted my face to his, waiting, waiting, until his lips, soft and hot, landed low on my cheek ― oh, so close to the corner of my mouth. Without my permission, my fingers clenched on his upper arm, which brought me closer to him.

And then I did something I promised myself I wouldn't. I turned my head, just enough so that my lips caught his as he was pulling back. His breath stalled, his fingers bit into the flesh at my waist, our mouths connected, and it was the same. Everything it always had been ― every rushing feeling, every crackle of energy, every tingle of warmth ― it was all still there, and it wasn't enough.

It was just a simple press of lips, but I felt more alive in that moment than I had in more than two months, maybe even longer. Edward always left me reeling, but this reconnection was so surreal, so electric...it couldn't truly be as good as it felt. He was breathing again, in shallow gusts of warm air that picked up speed as his fingers flexed on my jaw before tangling in the hair at the back of my neck. His mouth opened over mine, his tongue barely touching my lower lip for an instant, and then he was pulling away with a heavy sigh. I brought a hand up to lightly brush his lips with my fingertips, loving the way they felt when I smiled and his mouth curved in response.

"I'd better get going or I'm never going to leave," he finally said in a low voice, shifting underneath me with a wince. I imagined we'd both be having quite the sleepless night.

"You'd have to. Security would make you," I teased. "No overnight visitors in rehab." It was hard to keep the wash of shame away at my self-deprecating comment, but I managed. Things were slowly getting easier, but it still took lots of work to re-shape those destructive automatic thoughts that had been ingrained in my personality for so long. I was determined to make it work, however, because I knew what I wanted for myself. As much as I wanted Edward, I wanted things between us to be _right_ even more than I wanted _right now._

We stood together and hugged tightly, his body completely enfolding mine as he lifted me off my toes. "Can I call you?" he whispered at my ear. He loosened his hold and let my feet slip to the floor. I never lost contact with his body, thoroughly enjoying every plane and ridge I'd missed these last months. His eyes were so bright, yet so dark, and I knew he was still afraid I'd reject him. He made sure I had my balance, and then his hands dropped to his sides, leaving me missing the warmth of his touch. I couldn't tell him no.

"Yes." My answer was just as quiet as I stepped backwards toward the hallway.

He stood in the sitting area as I walked away, smiling when I turned back a final time. It was an image I knew I'd keep in the forefront of my mind for the weeks to come. When I finally drifted to sleep that night, I dreamt I was back at the beach with Edward, wrapped in a warm blanket and his even warmer arms. It was the best night's sleep I'd had in a while.

* * *

_Thanks for reading and putting up with the ridiculous wait for updates on this story. I haven't forgotten it, I promise._


	22. Not When I Need It

_I don't own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended. Chapter title is from the song below._

_Thanks to prereaders AmeryMarie and famouslyso for convincing me to stick with this chapter. _

* * *

_I guess you guys probably need a summary, since I'm fail and I left you guys in limbo for almost three months._

_Last chapter, Edward visited Bella in rehab after two months of separation, and they're slowly learning to communicate a little better. Edward realizes he can't keep things from Bella, and she's learning to be more open about her feelings. They're taking things slowly where the relationship is concerned, as Bella is still learning how to develop new, healthier coping mechanisms for her problems._

_I hate summaries…I hope that's enough._

* * *

_Late at night I'm filled with fear  
That I can't take for granted that you'll  
Always be near  
And it makes me hate myself_

_To think I can't see it (not when I need it)  
_  
-Matthew Sweet, "Not When I Need It"

* * *

**Chapter 22:**** Not When I Need It**

.

.

**EPOV **

_She won't say it._

_Why won't she say it? Why won't _I_ say it?_

Now that I thought about it, I knew why I kept it inside. I didn't want to push or make her feel like I expected more from her, though I shamelessly did. I wanted her with me now, in this bed that was was an oxymoron of comfort and loneliness. She should be here, tucked under my arm, so I could fall asleep easily for the first time in months. I just wanted her _with_ me―and it didn't have anything to do with sex, though I wanted that so badly I ached with it.

I should have told her I loved her, but where would I be if she didn't say it back? Flopping over in frustration, I rested my chin on my forearms and stared out the window as I mentally ran in circles, second-guessing every decision I'd made today. It was a ridiculous cycle that was becoming dangerously close to feeling sorry for myself.

Fuck it. This wasn't dangerously close―I _was_ feeling sorry for myself.

The window was open to let in the airy, rhythmic crash and fade of the waves. Moonlight streamed in, creating an almost ethereal atmosphere that should have been magical, but instead fell flat, since I didn't have Bella to share it with me. I didn't know what I'd expected of my first glimpse of her in over two months, but it hadn't been _this._ It was like hanging in limbo, caught between a nightmare and a fantasy, yet I was surprised to find I didn't feel pessimistic about it. There was hope there, as well.

As I lay there, sleepless, I replayed every moment with Bella. Lunch, the beach, sitting with her in the armchair in the common room. She was more beautiful than I'd ever seen her, her cheeks full and pink, her curves fuller. Her frailty was gone―she was still petite, but her body was stronger, with more toned muscle on her small frame. And her legs...God, her legs had been spectacular in those shorts. She'd been doing a lot of hiking, evidently, and fuck, did it suit her. It was all I could do to keep my hands off of the tempting, smooth expanse of her thighs every time I caught myself looking―and that was often. I hadn't known I was a leg man, but then again, I had a hard time keeping my hands off of every part of Bella...it was just _her_.

Flopping over onto my stomach, I pressed my face into the pillow. The longer I laid awake, the more I knew I should have gone straight home. Even sleeping in the same _town _as Bella was torture. She was a mere few miles away. No longer did hours and a national border stand between us, and I almost couldn't take it. As much as I'd loved seeing her today, I felt worse about being apart from her than I had in a while. I realized I'd kept that part of me boxed away when I was at home, and today only made my need for her that much more intense.

And when I thought about that kiss? That was all it took to make me so fucking hard I ached. I groaned into the pillow, not sure if it was more from arousal or frustration. She'd tasted exactly as I remembered, and I craved more of her, to taste her again and again, all over.

Her lips had been softer, somehow, more tentative. The unsure way she'd begun the kiss had made me want to hold her in place as I showed her how much I wanted her. I wanted to be rough, then tender; I wanted to bite and lick and suck, and then soothe her swollen lips. And I wanted her to do the same to me. Tossing onto my back, I glared at the phone sitting innocently on the nightstand.

Then my hand was reaching for it, and I was typing out a text. I blamed selective Alien Hand Syndrome.

―_Are you awake?_

Several minutes went by, during all of which I began to panic more and more. _Way to go, Cullen. Fucking moron...you're supposed to be giving her some space._

The phone buzzed with a response, startling me.

―**I am now**_._

Oops.

―_Sorry. Was thinking about you. Wish you were here._

Her response was quick.

―**Very, very tempting, but not smart**.

She even added a little wink to the end. It was cute, coming from her, but that didn't mean I was about to start doing it. Guys just didn't do that shit.

―_I just want to hug you and hear your voice. _

Okay, so that was only half true...and one hundred percent the words of a complete pussy. I'd do much more if she'd let me, up to and including fucking her until we both couldn't walk...but I wouldn't take more than she was willing to give. I grinned when another buzz signaled her response.

―**I do remember telling you that you could call me...**

I couldn't resist teasing her...and she always liked it when I did.

―_Trying to wait the requisite amount of time. Don't want to seem desperate._

I was starting to worry when a photo came through. It was just her hand, and she was flipping me the bird. My laughter was instant and loud.

―_Is that a threat or a promise? I think I win either way._

Well, that certainly wasn't subtle. Fuck it. She knew I wanted her. I wasn't going to hide it.

Gathering my courage, I typed out an even racier message.

―_I have an appendage for you. If you're nice, maybe I'll send you a picture of it._

It didn't take her long to respond.

―**Y****ou should never take naked pictures of yourself, unless you want them to end up on the Internet.**

A very uncool snort escaped me.

―_You'd never do that...would you?_

―**No...I want to be the only one who sees you.**

―_It's only for you, Bella._

Although, I hoped she wouldn't mind if I took care of things on my own on occasion. I certainly enjoyed the thought of her doing the same...and I was _enjoying_ it a little too much at the moment.

―**Good. I want to be the only woman you think about.**

I gave her the truth.

―_You are...and I admit I think about you very often. You'd probably be appalled.  
_

―**I doubt it. I think of you just as much.**

What showed up on my screen next took my breath away. It was Bella, her eyes closed, her face relaxed as if in sleep, her head resting on a pillow. Underneath the image, the caption read: _Inspiration_.

―_Beautiful.  
_

―**Where's my picture of you?**

―_Oh, you want one? As you wish._

Oh, shit...did I just quote _The Princess Bride_ to her? It was doubly embarrassing that I actually recognized I was doing it. At least I had a moment to compose myself and try to seem cool again. I still had to take a picture for her. Bending my arm behind my head, I rested against the pillow, looking straight into the camera of my phone. Grinning when I got lucky on the first try, I quickly typed out my caption: _Need a muse?_

―**Aren't muses usually women?**_**  
**_

―_You're the __creative one__. You want a female muse, or do you want me? _

―**Definitely you. And I love the picture. Thank you.**

And I loved her, there was no doubt. This time, we were going to take things slow―do it right.

Taking it slow really sucked. But I could still drop her some hints.

―_You're welcome. I love your picture, too._

There, Bella. Read between the lines.

**-x-**

I left early the next day, taking the really long way to the airport in the ostentatious Aston Martin I was, in all honesty, really fucking tempted to buy. This was one of those luxury rentals, and it had cost me a small fortune in terms of rental car fees.

It was worth every damn penny. She drove like a dream: smooth and light, the gears shifting seamlessly, and there was no mistaking the power behind the resonant rumble of the engine. Before Bella, I'd have bought it without a second thought. But now, there were more important things to worry about than having a nice ride. Laurent and I had a signed contract, but I legally still owned the Denali building for another thirty days, and I needed to find a new place to live. When Bella came back, whenever that was, I wanted to be ready for her. Ready to start our life together. If she chose to come back to me, I was going to make sure she had the most supportive environment possible.

Those thoughts led me to an entirely different place, somewhere I didn't want to go. It had been bugging me for a while now, and I knew it wouldn't get better until I did something about it. I wanted to meet Bella's father―and find out why the fuck he didn't take care of his daughter. In a less abrasively worded way, of course. For _her_ sake. I didn't give a shit if I hurt the fucker's feelings, but she might.

There was also part of me that wanted to see them get another chance to get it right. I also wanted a chance to tell her father she was safe with me, man to man. I was going to make sure life was sunshine and roses for her from now on, and I wanted him to know it. Needed him to know I'd gladly pick up the pieces he couldn't―or wouldn't. I also wanted him to know she needed him, whether she knew it or not. Maybe she and her father could mend their relationship, and I could help.

It could wait, for now. There was no way I'd go behind her back to talk to her father. I knew she'd see it as a betrayal of her trust if we didn't discuss it first. However, there was another reason I wanted to speak with Charlie Swan, and that was something Bella couldn't know yet.

**-x-**

Emmett picked me up at the airport half an hour late.

"Thanks for being on time, man." I tossed my bags in the back seat of his Jeep and slammed the door.

"Fuck you, E. At least I agreed to pick you up from this shithole." He flipped me off and pulled into traffic, cranking up the volume to an eardrum-bursting level as he sped away from the airport. "Why'd you need me to pick you up, anyway? Not like you can't afford the ass-raping they call a parking charge."

"I just wanted to hassle you," I said. I _was_ his younger brother, after all. It was sort of my job.

Emmett laughed, falling silent for a few minutes, before asking, "How is she?"

_Beautiful. Not so broken, but still not where she needs to be...for either of us._

I watched the scenery as it flew by the window, instinctively looking north.

"She's...better."

"And what about you? What was it like, to see her after this long?" he asked, and I began to regret not driving myself to the airport.

"Like seeing her for the first time." The words were tumbling out of my mouth without permission. "Like seeing her for the last time."

He snorted. "Did you leave your balls in Vancouver?"

"I guess so, Emmett," I returned caustically. "Don't ask me questions if you're going to make fun of my fucking answers."

"Then don't give me girl answers, bro."

"Then stop asking me girl questions."

"Well, you're a joy to be around. I take it you didn't get any, huh?"

I gave him a flat look, not bothering to answer.

"Hey, it wasn't a girl question," he protested. "And I'll take that as a no." Smugly, he turned his attention to the highway.

Ignoring him, I sent a quick text to Bella, so she'd know I arrived home safely. I wanted to call her, but there was no way I'd subject myself―or Bella―to that kind of embarrassment. Emmett wouldn't let me live it down, even though I knew for a fact he was the same way with Rose. After a few minutes, I put my phone away so I'd stop looking for her response.

I watched as my exit approached...and passed.

"Hey, Em? That was my exit."

"I know. I'm taking you to Mom and Dad's," he answered, like it had been planned all along.

It probably had. I was just the only one who hadn't known about it.

"I'm not going to Mom and Dad's. Take the next exit and we can double back to my place. I have shit to do," I told him, not bothering to hide my annoyance at their high-handed tactics.

"What, like go home and cry about not nailing Bella this weekend?"

"Classy," I muttered, slouching in the seat and looking straight ahead. I briefly wondered why I was being Shanghaied at my parents' request.

We passed downtown, heading for our parents' place, a monstrosity of metal and glass that my mother had somehow managed to make into a home. Esme was into modern architecture, and after a pretty healthy case of Empty Nest Syndrome, my father had bought her a two-floor condo in a downtown high-rise in hopes of offsetting her moodiness.

"Are we summoned for any particular reason?" I finally asked, my curiosity getting the best of me.

"_We're_ not summoned anywhere. You are," he said, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "I gotta get home to Rose. Once I get back, she says I'm her slave."

"Jesus, Em! I have no desire to know what you two do on your own time." That was fucking disgusting. I didn't want to know that kind of shit about my brother.

He laughed loudly, an annoying guffaw that made me want to plug my ears like I used to when we were kids.

"I'm supposed to mow the damn yard, dumbass. Fucking gutter-mind," he muttered smugly, enjoying my irritation entirely too much. "No wonder Bella wouldn't give you any, if that's the kind of shit you're into. Then again, Rose _does_ like it when I tie her up..."

"Stop it!" I yelled, and he abruptly shut his mouth. I wondered what made him stop this time as opposed to all the other requests, but I wasn't going to ask now that I'd finally gotten him to quit fucking with me.

We didn't speak until he pulled up in front of our parents' building, double parking and leaving the engine running.

"You're really just going to abandon me here?" I tried my best contrite little-brother look, but he wasn't having any of it.

"Get out of the Jeep, you grouch," he said with a roll of his eyes. I guessed I _could_ have been nicer on the drive...he _did _pick me up from the airport, after all. But it was so fucking hard when he was such a contrary asshole.

"Can't you just call and tell them my flight was canceled?"

"Too late. Dad's got that Kayak app on his new phone. He tracked your flight."

"Son of a bitch," I muttered, opening the door. "Thanks for coming to get me, Emmett." _Not really. _"Hey." Belatedly, I realized he hadn't answered my question. "Why do they want to see me again?"

"I'm not sure. Think it was Mom's idea." That was never good. It usually meant I had to auction myself off to the highest bidder at some charity auction.

Fuck. I hoped that wasn't what she had in mind. With a sigh, I grabbed my stuff from the back seat and shut the door.

"Dad said he'd drop you by Denali later," Emmett shouted through the open passenger window.

"Thanks, Em. Say hi to Lottie and Rose for me." I raised my hand in a weary wave as he pulled away.

It was time to visit the lioness's den.

-x-

Their door was locked when I finally made it up to the penthouse. Not used to knocking and waiting, I checked my phone, hoping to see a message from Bella. No dice. I didn't have time to worry as the door clicked open and I came face-to-face with a woman I'd never met before. Confused, I quickly checked the number next to the door, just to be sure I was at the correct place. Unless my parents had moved down the hall without telling me, I hadn't been mistaken.

Had my parents gotten a maid? I almost rolled my eyes, planning to tease my father about being pussy-whipped enough to give my mother whatever she wanted, but I thought better of it. I wasn't exactly in the position to be calling other men whipped.

"Hi," I offered hesitantly, not sure if I should head in or wait to be invited.

"You must be Edward," she said, her voice low and a little gritty, like she was either trying too hard to sound like a sex kitten, or had a two-pack-a-day smoking habit. She cocked out one hip as she stood there, fidgeting with the buttons on her shirt―half of which she hadn't bothered to fasten.

_What the fuck?_

"Yeah..." I wasn't sure what else to say. She just stood there, staring at me like a tiger eying a bloody hunk of meat.

"Edward? Is that you?" came my mother's voice as she stepped into view. "Jane, stop blocking the door and let him in, please," she said, coming forward to pull me into the house. Jane barely moved away, making sure I brushed against her when Esme tugged me through the door. _What the fuck is that smell? It's like Chanel and desperation..._

"Hi, Mom." I hugged her easily, in spite of my misgivings about this afternoon's forced visit. "How are you?"

She squeezed my arms, holding me at arm's length as she looked me up and down. "I'm very well, Edward." Her eyes softened, and I could tell she noticed the dark circles I sported due to my less than restful night. "How are _you?"_

"I'm...doing okay." Surprisingly, I realized it wasn't a lie. Seeing Bella had given me a boost of..._something_ that I needed to keep going until things settled down. Until she came back.

"Good, good," she said, releasing my arms and stepping to the side. "Are you hungry? We were just about ready to sit down to lunch."

No, I wasn't particularly hungry, and I was beginning to wonder why my mother was acting as if I hadn't been forced to show up here this afternoon.

"I've got a full afternoon, Mom, so I'll pass on lunch, but thanks for the offer." I gave her my best favorite son smile and hoped it would work. "Emmett said you and Dad wanted to see me about something?"

"Does a mother need a reason to want to see her son?" Her tone was way too light and airy, and I knew I was in for something unpleasant. I just hoped it wasn't another one of those auctions. The last thing I needed was to be roped into spending a weekend working on some rich, lecherous old woman's lawn.

"Of course not," I backpedaled. "It's just that I literally came right from the airport. I spent a couple days up in Vancouver, you know that."

"Oh, it's beautiful up there this time of year, isn't it?" Jane jumped in, laying one of her claw-tipped fingernails on my arm. "Carmen and I just love it."

"It is beautiful." I forced myself to smile in Jane's direction. "Bella's really doing well up there," I finished, shooting a pointed look at my mother. I didn't miss the way her eyes softened at the mention of my maybe-girlfriend.

"Surely you have time for a quick bite, Edward," Esme insisted, taking my arm and physically pulling me with her.

"Whatever you say, Mom," I answered, not bothering to conceal my annoyance. Jane followed close behind, and I swore I could feel her staring at my fucking ass. This was not going to be comfortable at all.

"Carmen is waiting in the kitchen." She sounded way too nonchalant.

_Carmen? The same Carmen Jane had been talking about?_

As if she'd read my mind, she said, "Carmen is Jane's daughter. You two are about the same age, and we think you'd get along just beautifully." She let go of my arm and walked ahead of me, and I made the mistake of hanging back without her to pull me along.

"Oh, yes, you'd get along so well," Jane chimed in, taking advantage of my mother's distance and my slowness, speaking way too close to my ear. Her hand grazed my ass as she sidled up alongside me, and I couldn't help the way I jumped.

_How could Mom be friends with this person? She's quite possibly the most horrible woman I've ever met!_

"You've got so much in common. Esme tells me you own a bar and, well..." She laughed throatily. "Carmen loves to party. And so do I."

With that bomb of a statement, she entered the kitchen, where my mother sat at the breakfast table with a brunette that I assumed was Carmen.

She looked like she'd been plucked right out of the cast of Jersey Shore. I sent her a tight smile, which was getting harder and harder to maintain.

This was worse than I thought. I stood stiffly as introductions were made, and the effort it took to be polite was astronomical.

"Mom, can I talk to you for a second?"

It was time to put an end to this shit. She seemed to get that I wasn't happy with this afternoon's events, and quietly excused herself. I turned and went to Dad's study, waiting to speak until Mom shut the door behind us.

"What is this?" I raked a hand through my hair as I faced her.

"I didn't exactly plan this part," she started, running her fingers through her own hair in a gesture identical to mine. The reminder of the similarities we shared wasn't very welcome at this point, but she was still my mother. I owed her the opportunity to explain what the hell was going on here, at the very least.

"What part _did_ you plan?" I asked, forgetting to hide the irritation in my voice.

"Jane and Carmen aren't supposed to be here," she answered, rolling her eyes in the direction of the kitchen. "Jane's husband is one of the new board members for the hospital. Your father volunteered me to babysit those two while he plays golf with his new buddy, Demetri. I didn't get a chance to call Emmett and let him know the change in plans.

"Then, when Jane heard my son was coming to lunch, thanks to your father, there was no getting them to leave."

"Why didn't you just tell them I wasn't single?" I asked with a bewildered laugh.

"Because I wasn't sure! You don't really talk to me about anything anymore, Edward. Plus, you've seen Jane...do you think she would have listened?"

Ignoring the dirty look she gave me, I sat down in Dad's office chair, leaning my head back against the cushion. "Not really," I conceded with a sigh.

"So tell me, Edward, how was your visit with Bella? Be quick about it, and I'll cover for you back in the kitchen," she offered with a wink, and I grinned at her in relief. "But don't you leave anything out, or I'll make you go back in there."

-x-

The post-visit "high" lasted for a little while, but when yet another of our many phone calls passed without an invitation to visit her, the rosiness began to wear off―fast. As a distraction, I threw myself into searching for a new apartment, and once I finally found the right place, Emmett and I packed up all my shit and moved it over to the high-rise loft I'd bought simply because I knew Bella would love it.

After things settled down again, I found myself constantly buying things to send up to her, only I never actually packed most of them up. I knew if she found out how much the one gift I'd sent her had cost, she'd be livid, so I held off on the rest. If I waited much longer, I might as well just wrap them up and give them to her as Christmas presents. Thanksgiving was approaching fast, with no invitation for a visit and no discussion of coming home. I didn't know what to do. I missed her, and though we were in contact all the time, I still felt as if I was hanging on to her by a thread.

Before I knew it, I had the key to her apartment in my hand, and I was making the trek over to her place.

The space looked just as I'd left it. Her bedroom was still a mess; broken glass and wrinkled bedclothes littered the floor. Shame flooded me as I remembered how it had gotten that way. She couldn't come home to this. I had to fix it. Robotically, I gathered up the sheets, shaking them to remove any bits of glass, and took them up to the top floor, where I put them in the washing machine.

While I waited, I checked out the refrigerator, wondering how bad it was. To my surprise, it was empty, aside from bottled water and a few Diet Cokes...and one note from Alice, written in bold, black Sharpie.

_Yeah, I cleaned out the refrigerator._

_But if you think I cleaned up the mess you made in the bedroom, you're dreaming. Maybe it will teach you not to throw tantrums._

_-Alice_

_P.S. - I'm watching you._

How the woman knew so much was beyond me. Then again, given the size of the mess and the broken picture frames, it probably wasn't too hard to guess what had happened after Bella left that morning. With a sigh, I gathered the appropriate cleaning supplies and attacked the clutter. I wondered what Bella would think if she were to see me like this―disheveled and dirty, wielding a fucking pink broom like it was made of snakes.

Domestication was not my forte. I'd never hear the end of it if she ever caught me like this. It might spawn decades of gag gifts like aprons, rubber gloves, and weird household appliances that were only sold by infomercial. This was the woman who owned a pink broom. Who even knew they made shit like that?

I'd take it all, just to have those decades with her.

A little while later, the apartment was clean, the bed was made, and the only reminders of the mess I'd created sat by the door, stuffed into a black trash bag. I was drained, physically and mentally, and though I had to get back home, the last thing I wanted to do was leave this place. I could feel Bella here, and I needed that, especially when I felt like we were drifting apart and there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it.

Depressed, I sank down to lay on the couch, stacking my hands behind my head. My eyes followed patterns in the popcorn ceiling that only I could decipher as my mind whirled, filled with thoughts of Bella.

-x-

"Who are you, and what the fuck are you doing in my daughter's apartment?"

Snapping my eyes open, I came face to face with brown eyes so like those I'd been dreaming of, but these were muddied with age and set in a face lined with time and experience...and a Ron Jeremy mustache.

Immediately, I sat up, blinking the grittiness of sleep from my eyes. There was no question who this could be. The eyes and unkempt dark hair liberally laced with grey left no doubt that I was speaking to Bella's father. A petite, black-haired woman stood just behind him, cell phone at the ready.

"Charlie, should I call the police?" she asked, finger poised like a cobra.

Holding up my hands in peace, I sat up. "Chief Swan, I'm Edward Cullen. Bella and I are...we're..." ―_fuck, this guy is _scary_― "..._we're...close. I was just doing a little cleaning," I finished, wishing like hell I'd waited until I got back to my place―to safety―before taking that nap.

"Oh, oh!" the woman spoke up. "Charlie, remember? You told me that Bella was dating an Edward, before she...went up to Canada." Her voice trailed off as she looked away in response to his scowl.

"Before she went to rehab, you mean?" I asked, feeling the need to defend Bella's decisions. She was away, she was getting better, and her father was acting like it was some taboo subject? Like he was embarrassed? Standing, I crossed my arms over my chest. "It's okay to say it. Bella would be the first person to tell you that."

The woman smiled at me, coming forward to offer her hand. "Hello, Edward. I'm Sue, Charlie's fiancee." Her grip was warm and firm, and I instantly liked her.

"Hello, Sue. It's a pleasure to meet you," I responded, returning her handshake before turning to the man next to her. "Chief Swan." I offered him my hand, a little surprised that he didn't hesitate before shaking it. "It's nice to meet you, sir."

He ignored my greeting. "You gonna tell me why you're here playing cleaning lady?" he asked gruffly, moving past me into the apartment, towing Sue behind him.

I sent up a silent thank you that I'd finished cleaning already. I didn't want to have to explain the mess I'd just gotten rid of.

"Charlie, stop it," Sue snapped, and I had to hide my grin when the stern man blanched at the reprimand. Bella was going to love Sue, I knew it. "Mr. Grumpy here needs an excuse to go see his daughter, and I suggested we take her some warmer clothes."

"Does Bella know you're coming?" I only wanted to know so I could warn her beforehand. Not because I was jealous she'd invited her dad for a visit when I hadn't seen her in so long.

Sue nodded. "Maybe you could help us pick out some things?"

_Great, just how I wanted to spend the rest of my afternoon...  
_  
I did it anyway. The things I'd do for this girl...

* * *

**BPOV**

Seeing Edward unleashed a flood of emotions I wasn't prepared for. I missed my real family. My _chosen_ family. For the first time in weeks, I began to feel worse, not better. It was upsetting, and it made me question all the progress I'd made so far.

They were big on self-expression here, so I threw myself into their planned activities, hoping for some sort of cathartic, mindless act to take my mind off the depressing thoughts. When I'd first arrived here, I'd been annoyed with all the crafts and activities they'd forced on me. It reminded me of childhood summers at Day Camp, dredging up memories of painted macaroni and Elmer's glue and paper plates.

Renee had been one of the counselors. She'd liked nothing better than a summer day filled with games and kids. It was probably because she'd been just a big kid herself. I missed her, more than ever. Now, though, it was a bittersweet pain, the edges dulled by fondness and time.

I was a less than pleasant participant for those first few sessions. I failed to see how two sharp sticks and a ball of yarn could be useful for anything other than stabbing or strangling someone. However, after two weeks of knit one, purl two and laughing to myself about the other participants, it was as I perfected the mental blueprints for my knitting needle garrote that I finished my first scarf. It was ugly and misshapen, but it was soft and homemade. I sent it to Alice.

It amused me to know that she'd be wearing it come fall, only because I'd made it, and I'd learned that it was important to take happiness where I could find it. If that meant laughing at my fashionista friend's humiliation because of my ugly scarf, then so be it.

The next project went much faster. The pattern wasn't any different than the first, but this one turned out quite a bit better. This one went to Alice as well, but with special instructions to give to Jasper. When we talked that week, she told me that Jasper had been making fun of me for my little gift. In his words, "Only Bella would be knitting scarves in summer."

My response had been a tartly worded quip regarding _his _rather unconventional hobby, which had included a rather well-known saying about stones and glass houses. Alice promised me she'd make him wear it on the first chilly opportunity. I assured her that the next "gift" I sent him would be pink.

I was feeling pretty confident in my scarf-producing talent when I found the softest, warmest yarn in the brightest shades of green. The essence of nature, its shades ranged from hardy fir to the color of spring crocus leaves, hues rich with spring and growth and life. I started knitting a scarf for Edward that day. I still hadn't finished it, three weeks later. It had almost become an obsession, this perfectly colored scarf. What I'd do when it was finished, I had no idea. Part of me felt like I'd have to leave when it was done.

Another part of me thought the notion was fairly hilarious. _It's gonna be a long fucking scarf if that's the case_. Enough to mummify a grown human being.

After I completed ninety days of primary care, I was eligible to leave. The thought of leaving this isolated little piece of sanctuary was terrifying. I missed my friends and I was lonely as ever without Edward...but I wasn't ready to go back yet. There were still times I wasn't completely confident in my ability to cope with the stress and anxiety, and those were the incidences that I was most grateful to be living in a sober environment.

I didn't tell anyone about enrolling in the extended care program until I'd moved into my new home for the next three months or more. The women's sober living house overlooked Howe Sound and backed up to coastal mountain views. It was a small, Cape-Cod style home with dark wooden shingle siding. Ivy covered a trellis over the front door, lending an almost English country feel to the surroundings. It looked like a home.

The sober living facility was owned by The Orchard, but it was off campus. We'd have neighbors and go about our lives as we wanted to when we went back home. I was thrilled about the new privileges I'd have in extended care. Phone calls and internet were no longer limited. I would get to live in and interact with community while staying in a healthy environment with others who were in the same position as me.

Two women were already living there when I arrived, though it had the capacity for seven clients. We'd each have our own room until more clients arrived. Tanya and Kate greeted me at the door when I showed up one rainy Tuesday afternoon, welcoming me in with genuine pleasure. The living room was cozy, with rich, dark leather furniture and an inviting fireplace lined with stone.

"It's great to have a new house mate. Welcome! I'm Tanya," said a tall, pretty strawberry blonde with a wide smile and the faintest smattering of freckles on the bridge of her nose. Her hair was cropped short in some sort of old Mia Farrow fashion, emphasizing her large blue eyes and high cheekbones. She was lovely enough to make me feel short and dark and dowdy, but her attitude and genuine excitement set me at ease.

"And I'm Kate," said the shorter woman with long, dirty blonde hair. She was about my height, with round, pink cheeks and pretty hazel eyes. Her smile was her most dominant feature, and I suddenly felt more at ease around virtual strangers than I had in a very long time.

"Isabella," I stammered, shaking my head with a laugh and correcting myself. "Just Bella."

"Well, Bella," Tanya began as I shook both their hands, "it's good to meet you."

"There's one more resident you have to meet," Kate said with a mischievous smile.

"Oh, I thought we were the only ones," I began, trailing off as they started off toward the back of the house.

"We have a..._permanent_ resident," Tanya replied, throwing open the back door with an ear-splitting whistle. I watched as an ancient-looking black dog lumbered across the yard, surprisingly agile for his age. He made his way toward us, plowing through damp grass and mud puddles, tracking mud up the wooden steps. "Meet Aro, the only male allowed to spend the night in this place."

With that, Aro was up, his muddy paws planted right on my chest as he looked at me with wide eyes, his pink tongue lolling out of the left side of his mouth. I scratched behind his ears and under his greying muzzle, earning a look of utter canine devotion.

"And now you officially belong!" Kate laughed, shoving Aro to the side. Two huge, muddy paw prints were plainly visible on my t-shirt. "You've been marked."

"Now you're one of Aro's bitches," Tanya snickered, grabbing a textured buoy toy and tossing it off the back porch. The dog was off like a shot, proving his appearance was true to his lineage.

"He's a Lab, right?" I asked, not really knowing how I recognized the breed. All I knew was that they were water dogs, and they were on television a lot.

"Yep. Wait until we all go down to the beach. He loves to fetch driftwood from the water." Kate grinned as she watched Aro catch sight of some small mammal. He froze, his tail sticking straight out behind him, parallel to the ground, as he held his left paw off the ground. Suddenly, he ran toward the cliff, causing me to scream in shock.

"Holy shit!"

Kate and Tanya shared a good laugh at this, making me wonder if I'd been deposited in some kind of waking nightmare. Stupidly, I took off down the slick wooden steps.

"Bella, wait!" I heard as my foot slipped out from under me only three steps from the bottom. When I opened my eyes, the two women were directly above me, concern creasing their faces.

"There's a radio-controlled fence. Aro can't leave the yard when he's wearing his collar," Tanya explained.

"Oh, thank fuck," I breathed, giggling as I let my head sink back down to the hard step. "I'm such an idiot." Kate reached down to help me to my feet, patting me on the shoulder. And just like that, the little cottage off of Howe Sound became my home.

Edward was disappointed that I wouldn't be coming home just yet. But instead of fighting about it, we managed to have a rational discussion, and I think he at least understood why I wasn't ready―even if he didn't like it. A week later, a digital camera arrived on our doorstep, with specific instructions from Edward to use it often. I briefly wondered what sort of pictures he wanted me to take.

I had no idea how to work it. It must have been a professional edition, and I couldn't do much besides click the button, but it was equipped with an auto-setting. To my surprise, Tanya was a professional photographer who hailed from New York City, though I wondered if she wasn't better suited for the other side of the camera. She gushed over my new equipment and promised to teach me how to work every special feature and over-the-top accoutrement during my stay.

The three of us―and Aro―became fast friends. Tanya was nine months sober after three years of heroin addiction―a habit she'd picked up while apprenticing for some high-brow photographer she wouldn't mention. Kate was a mother and elementary school teacher recovering from an addiction to prescription pills. What had begun as treatment for a broken leg had evolved into a seventy-five vicodin-a-day habit. Kate was due to leave in a month, and had been in the house for five. She was anxious and excited to move back in with her husband and daughter.

Aro himself was not without a story of recovery. He was a retired service dog, and had helped in the search for survivors at ground zero. Days of fires, loud noises and collapses had taken their toll, and Aro had been forced to retire at a young age. His ATF handler released him to The Orchard, where he could help people like me while getting his own version of therapy at the same time. Five years later, he was a happy, well-adjusted guy living out his golden years with a house full of women to dote on him.

Over the next few weeks, I developed some semblance of a life there on Bowen Island, but the specter of my other life hovered in the corner, a constant reminder of things I hadn't quite fixed yet. Adding to my stress were Kate and Tanya, who noticed that I didn't have many visitors, and I didn't talk about my life back home. Alice was the only one who'd been to visit with any regularity, and it wasn't like I could control _those_ visits. No one told Alice what to do. She fit in pretty damn well with my new roommates. My father and his fiancee, Sue, had visited once, and that wasn't an experience I was eager to repeat. Sue had been wonderful, but my father had remained his usual quiet, standoffish self. I tried my best not to let it bother me―I knew it wasn't my fault that my father was emotionally retarded.

I hadn't even invited Edward back yet―I was afraid of what I'd let myself do if I did. It would be too easy to fall back into the routine of letting my life revolve around him and how he made me feel. I'd learned the hard way that substances and behaviors weren't the only things I could become addicted to. The emotional high I got from being with him was too strong, too compelling, and as I progressed in my recovery, the more apparent our codependency became.

To my surprise, Kate and Tanya had understood completely when I explained my fears regarding combining my new life with my past. However, they weren't willing to let me wallow in it.

"Bella, there's no way you can _know_ for sure what will happen. All you know is what you want for yourself. Only one person can make it happen, and that's _you_. So don't shut out your family and friends because you think they won't fit in with your new life, or vice versa," she said, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Thank you, Tanya," I whispered, in awe at her words. They resonated, ringing true to the very core of my being. How had Tanya been able to make me realize I was shutting everyone out, when not even months of intensive therapy and AA could do it?

"You're welcome." Her reply was simple and heartfelt. Before leaving for the afternoon, she'd raised an eyebrow at me as she paused at the front door. "Don't think I haven't heard your nightly phone calls with your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend―"

"Really? Are you a phone sex operator, then? I know I don't talk to my _friends_ that way," Kate jumped in, a sly grin on her face.

Jesus Christ, I hoped they hadn't heard _every_ conversation...though those _could _have been racier.

"We don't go _that_ far!"

"So you admit it!" she crowed, doing an annoying little dance. I gave her a dirty look.

"I..." What could I say? I wasn't even sure what we were to each other right now.

"Oh, come on, Bella! You're alone all the time, except for us. You know it's not good for you," Kate chided. She gathered her things and grabbed Tanya's arm as they headed for the door. "We gotta go, Tan. I'm going to be late for group. And you―" she pointed in my direction with a raised eyebrow, "―it's time to rejoin the world."

_Thank goodness_. I'd had enough of the Inquisition for now, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that the conversation was over.

Tanya turned back to me as she started out the door. "Quit torturing the poor guy, Bella. Let him come and see you," she'd said softly, shutting the door with a quiet click. They'd certainly left me with a lot to think about.

Preoccupied, I wandered to my bedroom and sat on the soft, queen-sized bed, sinking into the fluffy white duvet. The sand-colored walls and bright white trim seemed to set the room aglow, even on the cloudy days. White sheers billowed from the open window in intermittent bursts, making my room look like it had been ripped straight from the pages of a Pottery Barn catalog. As pretentious as it sounded, the clean lines of the room were neutral and pleasing, which allowed me to personalize it rather easily with a few added colors...namely, the strands of yarn strewn across the little armchair in the corner.

Edward's scarf was still unfinished, a constant reminder of the state of our relationship.

We talked at least four times a week, though I had to fight myself from giving in to the urge to call every day. I sent him photos more often than I should have, whether they were of Aro or a picture of me with the girls, and lots of landscapes and sunsets. Despite the easy pattern we'd fallen into, I could tell he was getting anxious―I could hear it in every phone call that passed without an invitation to visit. So it wasn't without trepidation that I shut myself up in my room with the phone, nervous, even though I knew what his answer would be.

If only all the answers could be so easy to predict.

* * *

_I'm anticipating this fic to be 25-27 chapters, and yes, I will finish it. Sometimes the characters are silent, and for that, I'm sorry. I haven't abandoned this story, and I _will_ finish it. Thanks for your patience, and thank you for reading. I'd love to hear your comments – they really do help motivate me, especially for this one. Thank you again._


	23. Afraid to Love You

_I own nothing, just alchie-bella. Thanks to AmeryMarie and famouslyso for looking this over._

_Anyone still out there? _

_Recap of last chapter – We saw a little bit of Edward floundering, and he had a run-in with Charlie at Bella's apartment. Bella completed the inpatient part of her program, and moved into sober housing near the rehab center. She was happy living in her little bubble, even if she's separated from Edward, but knows she has to reemerge into the real world sometime. So, here we go. Sorry, it's a shitty summary, but my brain is mush._

_

* * *

_

_I just don't know what to do  
I'm too afraid to love you_...

**"Too Afraid to Love You" - The Black Keys**

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* * *

**

**-Chapter 23****: Afraid to Love You-**

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.

.

In the week leading up to Edward's second visit, I found myself busier than usual, due to an unplanned visit from Alice. Currently, she was torturing me with shopping, under the guise of finding a dress for her favorite bridesmaid.

I was a lucky, lucky girl. If, by _lucky_, one meant long-suffering and guilt-ridden.

"Are you sure you can't find a stand in?" I called through the dressing room door. I tried not to grunt as I attempted to wiggle my way into a midnight-colored bridesmaid dress.

"Dream on, Bella!" she replied in an extremely annoying sing-song voice, before demanding, "And hurry up! You still have four others to try on out here!"

Alice and I were currently occupying the only dressing room of the only bridal shop on Bowen Island. I didn't know why she hadn't dragged me to some high-end Vancouver boutique, but I wasn't going to question it. Even though I'd been living in the sober house for more than three months, I still wasn't sure I was ready for the stress of a city trip. I wasn't afraid of the city, per se, but I _was_ afraid I'd be reminded of what I was missing by secluding myself away on this quaint little island. Afraid I'd start to miss the city life I'd had before leaving―and start to miss Edward even more. I didn't know if I could take that.

Sighing, I focused on the too-small dress and gave up. "Alice, I think you got the wrong size," I complained, tugging it down and stepping out of the pool of satin. The dressing room door rattled as Alice tried to barge her way in, and I let her in with a scowl, hiding behind the open door as I did so.

"No, I didn't. I got you a six." She grabbed the puddle of satin from the floor and shook it out, searching for the tag. "Here! Size six," she crowed, pointing to the tag.

Shit. I knew my jeans had been getting a little tight, but this was ridiculous. Ever since Kate had left the house, Tanya and I had been baking like crazy as we tried out all the recipes our friend had left behind for us.

"Damn it. Tanya and I are going on a diet. And I'm giving the rest of our breadbox to Aro," I grumbled, thinking of my tall, lithe friend and knowing she probably hadn't gained an ounce, all while the dog and I got fat.

"You will not!" Alice declared, tossing open the door in a rush, without even giving me time to hide. "Your ass looks great. About time you stopped looking like you're on a liquid diet."

"Thanks for showing it to everyone in the store!" I hissed as she ran off, the skirt trailing behind her. I slammed the door shut and pouted, thankful once again that the store was nearly empty. I prayed no one had seen my aforementioned larger ass, because I had on the most hideous pair of underwear I owned―it was laundry day.

"Don't be so put out," Alice offered as she knocked on the door once more. I only opened it enough to snatch the new dress from her outstretched hand. "You know bridal sizes are smaller."

"That's what they tell everyone so they'll feel better." The new piece slipped on and zipped up a little too easily―the fabric gapped by at least an inch in the bodice. _Figures. _"This one is a little big, but at least I can breathe."

"Come on, show me," she said impatiently. "And we can get it altered, if this is the one."

"I don't suppose I get to make that decision?" I asked as I stepped from the room, holding the bodice to my chest.

"Of course not! It's my wedding." She gasped as I came into view. "Oh, my goodness!" she breathed, a sappy smile taking up her whole face. "That's the one."

I blinked. "Seriously? The first one? You're not going to keep me here for days, trying on every dress in the store?"

"Believe me, I would have. You got lucky!" Alice came up behind me and gripped the back of the dress, holding it tightly to my chest so I could see the full effect in the triple mirror. "Look, Bella...it's perfect."

I had to admit, I looked pretty damn good. The satin charmeuse was such a dark midnight blue that it was almost black, and it caught the lights in a way that accentuated my curves. The waist was gathered with a narrow sash in the same color, decorated with a small rosette of fabric just off-center. The strapless, ruched bodice showed off my shoulders, which were still colored with the last of my pitiful summer tan.

I smiled, realizing the extra weight had done good things for my appearance. My face looked younger, my cheeks more rounded and touched with healthy color. My collarbones were still visible, but I could no longer see the beginnings of my ribs and sternum. It was a good look for me. Alice called over to the salesperson, and while she chatted about hems and darts and other alterations, I stared some more.

I'd never thought I was a kid who looked like either of her parents. But right now, as I stood before the mirror, I saw Renee in my smile and the slope of my cheekbones. Our eyes were shaped the same as well, except I had gotten my father's plain brown irises instead of Renee's striking ocean blue.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Alice tapped me on the shoulder, and I met her huge hazel eyes in the mirror. I was surprised to realize tears were about to spill onto my cheeks.

Embarrassed, I dashed the tears away and gave her a tiny smile. "Nothing, really...I just noticed something, that's all."

"Tell me," she invited, taking my hand and drawing me over to the settee that was probably reserved for tired bridesmaids and mothers-of-the-bride. We sat, and she rested her arm around my shoulders.

After a few minutes, I whispered, "I'm fine, really, Alice. I just realized...well, I just realized that I look like my mother." I took a deep breath and smiled at her. "Believe it or not, they're happy tears."

Gently, she rubbed my upper arm. "Oh, honey...you do look beautiful, and I'm sure your mom would agree."

"Thanks." Swallowing back the burn of more tears, I stood and went to the little dressing room, quickly changing back into my street clothes. Alice watched me warily as I emerged, her gaze concerned.

"Ready to go?" she asked, tossing the strap of her purse over her shoulder and standing.

"Don't you have dresses to try on?" I looked around the dressing area, wondering why she didn't have millions of white dresses lined up for her perusal.

"Please, Bella. Like I'd buy my wedding gown off the rack."

"Right," I drawled, heading for the counter. "It's probably being woven from the poo of rare, gold-plated silkworms as we speak."

"Have you been spying on my dress plans?" she demanded with an impish grin, and we both dissolved into laughter.

I took care of the bill and pretended to listen when Alice instructed me not to gain or lose a pound. The dress would be shipped to Alice's place, where she would hold it for "safekeeping" until the final fitting, which we'd do when I got back to Seattle for good...in five short weeks.

I was due to leave sober living just before Thanksgiving.

However, that wasn't the only event I was dreading. My father's wedding was in two weeks, and I'd agreed to attend. At least they were doing the sensible thing and getting married by the local JOP in Forks. I couldn't handle another "wedding of the century" like Alice was planning. Why keeping my promise mattered so much to me in light of our father/daughter track record I didn't know, but I wasn't attending for him. I was doing it for me. I needed to know I'd done all I could as a daughter, and as a friend to Sue, as new as our friendship was.

My reunion with Charlie had been awkward at best. Neither one of us was good at the emotional stuff, and the conversation had been less than lively.

_"Looks like you're doing well here, Bella," Charlie said, eyes fixed on the wall just behind me. He sat stiffly on the sofa, clutching Sue's hand to his thigh. I welcomed the sight—it showed me that he was actually human and not some emotionless android._

_"I am. It's a good environment for me." I fell silent, the seconds stretching into long, uncomfortable minutes._

_Finally, he asked, "Any idea when you'll be back in Washington?"_

_"I'm supposed to leave the week before Thanksgiving." _

_"That's real good, Bella. I'm glad you'll be getting out of this place and coming home, where you belong."_

That was the day I started a scarf for Charlie, made of rough grey wool. I'd probably never give it to him, but if it would help me work out my issues with my father, it was worth a try. If it didn't give me a fucking blister.

My heart sank as I remembered that afternoon. I should have known he wouldn't understand...to him, rehab was an embarrassment, something to be hidden, just like me and all my problems. Something to be swept under the rug while he pretended it wasn't there. I'd come home and he'd go about things as he always had, pretending his daughter was fine and perfect...or pretending he didn't have one. I was never quite sure under which category I'd fallen in the past.

There was a big difference this time around, though. This time, I wouldn't be able to blame Charlie if things went wrong. This time, I knew he was the way he was, and I couldn't change him, just as no one could change me but myself. I wasn't going to let my happiness and health depend on our relationship, because that had gotten me nowhere.

I was fairly sure I was ready to come home, but it was still tough to even think the words, much less say them out loud—they made it too real.

That didn't mean D-Day approached any less quickly.

-x-

The day Edward was due to arrive, I waited anxiously in the front room, peering out at the chilly, rainy weather. I was bundled up tight and ready to go, and in spite of the gloomy day, I was buzzing with anticipation.

Nervously, I fingered the soft, nubby scarf in my lap—_his_ scarf. Last night, I'd put the final touches on the piece, tying off the last row in neat, orderly loops. Despite my original fear of completing it, now that it was finished, I was surprisingly excited to give it to him. Every moment I'd spent on the scarf was one of the countless times I spent thinking of him, of us. It held memories—the good and bad and everything in between; it was the physical representation of the invisible yarn that bound us together. Giving him this simple creation of cotton and dye was akin to giving him a piece of my recovery.

He might never know the true depth of what it meant, but he would have it.

I shook my thoughts away when I saw a nondescript silver sedan pulling into the driveway, Edward's bright hair visible even through the glare of the windshield and the greyish drizzle that coated it. In seconds, I was up, throwing open the door, nearly tripping over Aro as he bounded down the three steps to the front walk.

Edward was out of the car just as fast, but stopped short when confronted with Aro's intimidating bark.

"Wanna call off your guard dog?" His eyes darted from me to the black beast that trotted his way and began intently sniffing his shoes, tail spinning behind him in greeting.

I smiled, slowing my approach so I could watch him squirm. He was so adorable when unsure.

"What, you don't want to be licked to death? He's a Lab, not an attack dog. His name is Aro."

"I don't mind being licked, but not by him." He smirked, leaning down to awkwardly pat Aro's head.

I laughed and closed the remaining distance between us, my smile so wide my cheeks hurt. "Too bad...I don't know anyone else who likes to lick quite as much as this one does."

"Ouch," he winced, playing up the sad eyes. They were so green, almost glowing amidst the backdrop of sodden clouds and heavy, humid air.

"Sorry." I shrugged, clasping my hands together in front of me.

"No, you're not, but it's okay. I see how it is."

"Yep, that's how it is."

He sighed in mock disappointment, and we fell into an awkward silence, neither one of us really knowing what to say. We stared at one another for a while, as his hair darkened in the misty drizzle and Aro wove in between our feet like the overgrown cat he was. Finally, the dog wandered into the house, but we remained on the front walk, unsure how to proceed. I really wanted to throw myself into his arms and kiss him senseless, but we'd never leave the house if I let my hormones run the show. So, I went with the next best thing and hugged the shit out of him.

"I missed you," Edward breathed near my ear, his arms wound so tightly around me I almost couldn't breathe.

I just buried my face in the warm skin at the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent like the pathetic creeper I was when it came to him. It warmed me from the inside out, made me feel safe and secure. Now that I was in his arms, I couldn't believe I'd thought we should stay away from one another. How could something that felt so very right be bad for us?

"I'd give you a kiss, but I don't do dog seconds," he teased when he pulled back to look at me.

"You're gross," I laughed. My fingertips lingered on his arm; I just couldn't bear to break the connection. "Come inside, I have something for you." I didn't wait for him to answer, just tugged him up the front walk and through the door.

"Presents? Shit," he said worriedly. "I didn't bring you anything." I turned to watch him, wanting to see his reaction to my temporary home. His gaze darted around, from the overstuffed couch, to the generic black and white pictures of Snug Bay that dotted the room, finally settling on the cold hearth opposite the front door. With his free hand, he pulled at his hair, silence overtaking us once again.

"It's okay, Edward. You brought yourself, that's enough." I gave him a soft smile, hoping he knew that he didn't need to give me material things. "C'mon, sit." I pulled him to sit on the sofa and grabbed the scarf from where it had fallen to the floor when I dashed outside. "Sorry...about the lack of wrapping."

"And it was on the floor, too," he needled, smirking. Well, at least he wasn't uncomfortable anymore.

"Shut it. Here." I thrust it in his direction and sat next to him, trying not to bite my lip. _What if he hates it?_

He unrolled the scarf with a grin, laying it out over his lap and brushing his fingertips across the soft yarn.

"I picked the yarn because it matches your eyes," I blurted, immediately turning red.

"You made this?" There was a note of awe in his voice.

"I have a lot of free time. And it wasn't that hard." _Only next to impossible. But after_ _months of learning...and a whole lot of brooding over you, I can do it blindfolded._

"Thank you, Bella. I love it." He smiled brightly and wound it around his neck. I blinked, feeling a little short of breath at the way it brought out the catlike green of his eyes.

"Really?" _God, I sound like such a stupid little girl._

"Really."

"It looks good on you," I said, looking down and picking at a hangnail.

"Doesn't everything?"

_God, he can be such an ass sometimes...but damn it, he's right._

"What, you don't think I look good in everything?" he asked when I didn't agree, looking hurt.

"I didn't say anything!"

"Exactly! That means no!"

"Quit fishing for compliments, Edward," I said, laughing. "You're too damn good-looking for your own good."

"It's still nice to hear you say it." He leaned closer, hooking a finger underneath my chin so I'd look up at him. "I'll prove it," he said softly, his mouth curving slightly at one corner. "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." Warm lips skimmed over my cheekbone as he moved so he was murmuring in my ear. Chills erupted all over my body and sped down my spine in an electrifying rush. "It's all I can do not to touch you when we're close…all I can do not to rip your clothes off…"

"Edward," I choked out, jumping off the sofa and startling a bark out of Aro.

"Told you it was nice," he laughed smugly, coming to his feet and taking my hand. "I do love the scarf. Can you make me a matching hat?"

Stifling my smile, I smacked his shoulder lightly. "I'm not that talented. Scarves are the limit of my knitting abilities, I'm afraid."

"Damn. I was going to ask for gloves next."

"You want me to knit something with individual fingers? You're delusional. You could have at least made it easy on me and asked for mittens."

He laughed loudly, weaving our fingers together and starting for the door. "Do I look like the kind of guy who wears mittens?"

"Honestly? Yes." I tried and failed to keep a straight face, and we both laughed again.

"You know, I'd wear them if you gave them to me," he admitted as we walked out to his car.

"You really shouldn't have said that," I said with a sly grin. "I'll start buying you terrible clothes."

"Please, don't."

"I make no promises," I teased, following him out the door with a grin. "Next time, you're getting a pink fedora."

-x-

After a really great dinner and even better company, Edward and I sat in his rented car in my driveway. We were both reluctant to let the night end, and he kept finding excuses to keep me inside the car. When the conversation fell into a charged silence for what felt like the millionth time, I thought I'd finally have to go in, but when I started to gather my things, he stopped me with a gentle hand on my arm.

"I just want to try something," Edward whispered, leaning closer, closer, our lips barely touching.

We'd managed to last all evening without doing this, though I'd daydreamed about it a million times. My fantasies were nothing compared to the real thing.

The shock of current that arced from that simple contact alone was enough to animate me, and I pushed back against his mouth in an almost desperate attempt for a firmer kiss. A pained groan fell from his lips as one hand curved around the back of my head and the other pulled me closer at the waist. The console between us dug into my hipbone, but I couldn't bring myself to mind.

All that mattered was his mouth on mine; the heat of his lips, the slide of his tongue, the taste of him... I didn't know how I got into his lap, but suddenly I was there and he was under me―hard and pressing between my legs with an insistence I'd missed so much. His fingers dug into my hips as he yanked me closer, not roughly, but with enough force to let me know he wasn't in full control. One hand slid up my torso slowly, inching over my ribs and barely grazing the side of my breast.

Even with a layer of denim and my khakis between us, I could still feel the heat of him where he pressed against me, and it was so good I ached from it. My hips moved of their own accord, following his slow, lazy movements. He never stopped kissing me, moaning into my mouth when my fingers found his hair and tugged. His breath caught in a hitch as I sucked on his lower lip, scraping my teeth over the soft underside.

And then he was pulling away, his gentle hands guiding my head to the crook of his shoulder. I could feel his pulse pounding next to my cheek, and his chest rose and fell with each rapid breath as I rested against him. Up, down. In, out.

I didn't complain―I was glad we'd stopped. Mostly. We hadn't helped our relationship by jumping into bed right away the first time around, and I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. Though I knew I wanted to be with him, wanted to have a future together—one that definitely included sex—I wasn't sure I was ready for it. And until I was, it was better to keep things on a less physical level.

Knowing it was the right decision didn't make it suck any less. Sensibility wouldn't keep me warm at night.

"I wish I could say I'm sorry...but I'd be lying," he murmured, a rueful cast to his voice.

"Don't be sorry. I'm the one who jumped in your lap." I leaned away, the steering wheel digging into my back in the tight confines. "And I think we may be stuck in here." I shimmied around, trying to climb out of his lap, causing him to moan as his hands went to still my hips.

"Please, stop moving," he said hoarsely, reaching down to move the seat back so I could have more wiggle room.

"Sorry," I whispered, trying to hide my little smile at his distress, which was making itself very apparent in his jeans. Taking pity on him, I scooted back so I was sitting closer to his knees...and away from where I wanted to be.

"You're going to have to go farther than that if you want me to keep my hands off you." Already, his fingertips were coasting up my thighs, leaving trails of electric heat on my skin.

"I guess I should go in." It almost hurt to say the words―they were the exact opposite of what every cell in my body screamed for.

"Sure I can't convince you to run away with me?"

I smiled, brushing the hair back off his forehead. "You probably could...but you won't try, right?"

"You're right. I'm just being selfish." He sighed, leaning into my touch. "Now let's see if we can get out of the car without falling on our asses." Lips curving into a playful grin, he pushed the door open and acted like he was going to dump me out of the car.

Miraculously, we managed to get to the porch without incident. We paused underneath the watered-down light, and I hoped that Tanya wasn't home. I already felt enough like a teenager returning from a first date, the last thing I needed was to endure the comments and intrusive but good-natured questions that were sure to follow if my roommate was here.

"So, this is where we say goodnight, and I return to my cold, lonely bed at the B&B..." He gave me the sad eyes, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Sucks to be you. I've got a dog to cuddle with."

"I'm jealous."

"Don't be, he farts and snores all night long."

"Oh, so it's just like sleeping with me?"

I snorted. "Pretty much." I was such a liar.

"I meant I was jealous of the dog, Bella," he said with a sigh, shaking his head and laughing. We stood pressed against one another, arms around waists, toes of our shoes just touching.

"I had a really great time tonight." It struck me as strange, saying those words now. I should have said them after our first date, not close to a year into our relationship.

Backwards...everything was backwards when it came to Edward and me.

But it worked. It worked so well it scared me.

"Me too," he replied softly, his voice warm and sincere. "So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I can't wait."

"Me neither. Good night, love." He put his mouth to mine, letting his breath warm my lips before kissing me fully. It was soft and sweet and so delicious, his cold fingers framing my face in a dizzying counterpoint to the heat of his mouth. I almost whimpered when he pulled away, my chest constricting when I saw his eyes. He took a breath, starting to speak, but I shook my head, using another soft kiss to silence him.

_I love you, too, Edward._

-x-

I was just drifting off when a sharp tap at the window jerked me out of my sleepy fog. Sitting up in the bed, I peered at the curtained pane of glass, wondering if I'd imagined the noise. Just as I convinced myself that I was hearing things, another rap sounded, and this time it was accompanied by my phone that buzzed on the nightstand. Picking it up, I saw a new text from Edward. Since he was infinitely less scary than whatever was tapping on my window, I opened the message first.

**-Let me in! It's freezing out here!**

I laughed aloud and rushed to the window, tearing the curtains aside to find Edward sitting precariously on a tree branch that looked like it could barely hold his weight. Opening the portal wide, I leaned out into the cold night and raised an eyebrow at him.

"You are so going to bust your ass out there."

"Not if you let me in," he replied smoothly, turning up the heat in his answering smile.

"Aro will _bite_ your ass if I let you in," I stalled, leaning back and pretending I was going to shut the window.

"Bella, please! It's colder than fucking Siberia out here, and I'm not sure this tree is up to helping me out for much longer," he begged, inching toward the windowsill. The branch creaked ominously as he got farther from the support of the tree trunk, and since I didn't want to have to scoop his broken ass out of the yard, I motioned him forward.

"Hurry up, before Tanya or the dog hears you," I sighed, watching anxiously as he crept as close as he could―which I didn't think was close enough. "Maybe you should climb down and I'll try to sneak you in..."

Too late. He landed across the windowsill with a grunt and a muffled curse, both of his legs hanging out the window. Biting my lip to stifle the hysterical laughter that wanted out, I hooked my fingers in the belt loops of his jeans and helped pull him the rest of the way inside. We both tumbled to the floor in a tangle of mismatched limbs and stayed there.

"Fuck," Edward moaned, clutching his stomach. "That's going to leave a mark."

"Want me to kiss it better?"

He groaned, and I couldn't tell if it was in pain or frustration. "You're evil."

I giggled, turning my head to come face to face with one of his black Doc Martens. Shoving his foot out of the way, I sat up and asked, "What the hell are you doing here, anyway?"

He remained lying where he'd fallen, pouting up at me. "I wanted to see you...and the people next door at the B & B were really fucking loud," he complained, making a face.

"That bad, huh?" I leaned over to pat him on the stomach, but he grabbed my wrist and tugged me to lie on top of him. "I'm supposed to believe this doesn't hurt your poor tummy?"

"I don't care. You make me feel better." His words were childlike and petulant, and I couldn't help but smile.

"I do? Even without a kiss?"

"Definitely," he answered with a grin, his eyes glowing with mischief and affection as he sat up with me in his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and crossed my ankles behind his back, giving him a tight hug. His hands wandered over my back slowly as the smile faded from his lips.

"I missed you," I whispered, pressing my forehead to his.

"In the less than two hours I was gone?"

I ignored his smartass comment. "You're not supposed to be here...I could get in trouble."

"I parked a block over, so there's no strange car in front of the house. I'll be good, I promise," he assured me. "The last thing I want to do is get you in trouble, but I couldn't stay away." Pausing, he looked down. "I sort of have a confession to make."

I almost didn't want to hear it. The cynical part of me insisted that I should have known all along that he hadn't told me the whole truth about everything.

"Edward," I started, but he stopped me with a gentle finger over my lips.

"I never left. I uh...I lied about the neighbors. Didn't want you to think I was some crazy stalker."

I laughed aloud in relief. "You sat in your car for an hour and a half before climbing that damn tree?" I put a hand to his forehead, pretending to feel for fever. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Be quiet," he huffed, pulling my hand away.

"I already knew you were a crazy stalker, you know."

He looked a little hurt at my comment, but said, "I guess I deserved that."

"But I don't care," I added, right on the heels of his concession. "I like you just the way you are."

He smiled widely, planting a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Will you let me hold you for a little bit?" he coaxed, resting his free hand at the small of my back. "Then I'll climb back out and brave the tree again." He sighed heavily and looked timidly out the window.

"Suddenly develop a fear of heights?" I teased, brushing my lips across his cheek.

"You try climbing in through that window sometime." He tried to scowl, but it was ruined by the slight curve to his mouth.

"Believe me, I'm not that brave. Or stupid...I can't decide which is more appropriate here." I got to my feet and held out a hand to assist him. He groaned and clutched his middle as he rose.

"Stupid, I think," groaned as he hobbled to the bed. I shut the window as quietly as I could and returned to his side. He sat down gingerly and I removed his shoes and coat before crawling to my side of the mattress. We settled into the soft bed, my back to his chest, and huddled under the comforter.

"Better?"

"Definitely." He sighed heavily at the nape of my neck and buried his nose in my hair. Strong arms wrapped around me in a comforting embrace, and I realized I hadn't felt this kind of peace in so long...maybe I never had. It felt so right, lying here in the quiet with him.

"Edward?" I asked, not really knowing what I was asking for. I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I wasn't sure now was the right time. We'd both agreed to take things slowly, and I had the feeling we were both holding back those three little words―because once they were out in the open again, we wouldn't be able to keep our hands off one another.

"Yeah?" he murmured, his voice rough with fatigue.

"Stay." _Stay tonight...stay forever..._

He was quiet for a moment, and the only sound in the room was the soft rush of our breathing.

"Always," he whispered, tightening his arms around me. I thought I felt his lips against my hair as we drifted off to sleep, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

I wanted him to stay...always.

-x-

"Bella Swan, you sneaky bitch!" Tanya laughed from her stance just inside my bedroom doorway, her arms crossed over her breasts. "You're lucky I'm an awesome housemate, or I just might tell on you."

I sat up immediately, blinking away the grittiness of sleep, glad Edward and I weren't naked.

"Tanya, I...fuck," I finished with a sigh, clapping my hand over Edward's mouth when he tried to speak.

"I was just going to pop my head in and invite you to eat some of this awesome French Toast I made, and look what I found! Jackpot!" She clapped her hands together as her eyes sparkled with mirth. "You two are going to owe me so much..."

Crap. Tanya was ruthless. I'd be doing her laundry for the rest of my stay here. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling so anxious about leaving.

"Too bad you guys are decent. You know I'd love to see his naked ass. Hello, boyfriend," she was saying, and I burst out laughing as Edward's face turned bright red.

"Keep dreaming, Tanya. I might have to kill you if you did." She rolled her eyes, waving me off.

"Down, girl. I'm kidding." She let her eyes wander and licked her lips provocatively. "Mostly."

"That ass is mine, Tanya." It was out before I thought about moderating my response. Edward removed my hand from his mouth and arched a brow.

"Excuse me, but 'that ass' is right here, and he has a name," he mumbled. I smiled and barely resisted the urge to kiss the scowl off his face. I'd missed his morning grouchiness. It was adorable.

I'd officially gone off the deep end. I should have been afraid that Tanya might change her mind and feel obligated to report my illegal overnight guest, but instead, I was mooning over my morning-hating, quasi-boyfriend.

"Believe me, I know your name," she laughed. "I've heard her sighing it over the phone enough, _Edward._ I gotta say though, I didn't expect you to be so hot. I thought you'd be an old man for sure, with a name like that."

"Tanya!" I burst out, trying not to laugh at the look on Edward's face.

"I think that's my cue to leave." She slapped the doorframe playfully and started off before whirling back around, a mischievous grin plastered across her face. "I'll be gone for most of the day...you know, in case you two want to get loud or anything."

"Get out, Tanya!" I tossed a pillow in her direction, but it missed the doorway by about three feet.

"Nice to meet you, Edward!" Her laugh echoed down the hall as she left, the front door slamming in her wake.

I slumped back against the mattress, covering my eyes with one arm. "Sorry about that."

"There are definitely better ways to wake up," he agreed, gently pulling my arm away from my face and leaning over me. "I should go. I don't want you to get in trouble."

"Edward, she won't say anything. We've already broken all the rules...what's a few more minutes? Stay. Have some breakfast with me."

He smiled. "How can I say no?"

"You can't," I returned, craning my neck up to kiss the tip of his nose.

"Well, I _can..._I just don't want to. Unless Tanya's a terrible cook. Then I'm taking you out for breakfast."

"Believe me, she's not―as my inflated ass can attest."

"Your ass is not inflated. It's gorgeous." As if to prove his point, he trailed one hand down my side and cupped one cheek, his touch enough to make me question my resolve to take things slow—for about the millionth time. He buried his face in my neck, drawing the tip of his nose across the sensitive skin and making me shiver. Biting my lip, I barely held back a moan as my nipples tightened and tendrils of lust curled low in my belly.

On instinct, I widened my legs as he pressed himself closer, fitting the length of his body to mine. His erection was unmistakable, the blunt pressure of him between my thighs explicit and exhilarating. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember why we shouldn't be doing this when it was the only thing I wanted in the world.

He inhaled deeply, pressing his mouth to the skin below my ear. His lips were soft and gentle, and I could feel every graze, every sigh. Wrapping both arms around me, he squeezed tightly and whispered, "I miss you so fucking much, Bella."

I remained silent and brought my hand to his hair, combing through the mussed strands as we lay in silence, trying to calm down. I missed him more than I could say, but I was too afraid to give voice to my thoughts at the moment. My feelings were too intense, emotions bubbling too close to the surface. It would be so easy to give in...to lose myself in his touch, his kisses...

After a long moment, I asked, "Are you busy next weekend?"

"I'm never too busy for you. Though I'll have to drive next time. Last minute airline tickets are ridiculous." He planted one last kiss against my neck and propped himself up on one elbow as he looked down at me. "What did you have in mind?"

I bit my lip, hoping I wasn't asking for too much. "Actually, I need you to pick me up at Sea-Tac. I'm coming back to Washington next weekend, for Charlie and Sue's wedding. I told them I'd go...though I wasn't sure I would, until now. You want to go with me?"

A slow smile curved his lips, lighting up his whole face. "Of course."

"You will?" An answering grin took up residence on my face, and I hugged him tightly.

"I will. Even though your father is one scary son of a bitch," he said seriously.

_Wait―he's met Charlie?_

"How do you know that?" I blurted, trying to wade through the confusion. It was hard not to jump to conclusions that they'd been talking about me behind my back, but I managed to wait (not so patiently) for him to explain. I had to trust Edward when he'd promised not to keep things from me anymore. I had to let the past stay as it was and live my life in the present, as I wanted to live it from now on.

He looked embarrassed as he began. "You know I still have a key to your place. I was missing you, and decided to ah...go by there." Swallowing hard, he continued, "I needed to clean it up, anyway. I didn't exactly leave it looking organized that morning."

"You didn't have to do that," I protested, putting a hand against his cheek. He closed his eyes as if he was absorbing strength from my touch.

"Yes, I did, Bella." He took a deep breath, looking miserable. "I made a big mess. After you left, I was lost...and I know it's no excuse, but I'm so sorry. I didn't handle my temper very well. I owe you some new picture frames."

I didn't ask him for any more explanations. I wasn't in the position to judge him―after all, my emotions had caused me to do some pretty stupid things in my lifetime.

Keeping my voice as neutral as possible, I asked, "What does this have to do with you meeting my father?"

A small, weak laugh escaped him. "Cleaning is hard work. I took a nap on your couch afterward, and your father showed up with Sue. You're lucky I didn't soil your couch."

"Poor baby," I couldn't help but laugh, wishing I could have seen the look on both their faces.

Edward shot me a puzzled look and sat up in the bed, pulling me with him. Entwining his fingers with mine, he stared down at our joined hands for a moment before speaking.

"I tell you I threw a fit and trashed your apartment, and you're laughing at me?"

"I can't help it," I giggled. The situation was becoming funnier and funnier the more I pictured it. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.

"Glad I could entertain you," he muttered, shaking his head. "I thought for sure you'd want to kick my ass once I told you."

"Edward, how can I be mad? So you wrecked an apartment. It's nothing that can't be fixed."

"Two, actually," he said sheepishly.

I blinked. "Yours, too?"

"Yeah, but Dad and Emmett cleaned mine up. I...didn't really tell them about yours."

My laughter dried up, and the tears threatened to take over completely. What had I done to this man?

With gentle fingers, he brushed the tears from my cheeks. "What's wrong? Bella, I'm so sorry..."

Taking a deep breath, I met his warm, green eyes, refusing to make this any easier on myself. "No, Edward...I'm not angry―at you, anyway. Those are just things. What I've done is so much worse...I wrecked _you_. I'm the one who's sorry. So, _so_ sorry."

"No!" he burst out, going wide eyed in panic. "I wrecked myself, Bella, don't you see?"

I didn't know what to say. The guilt I felt threatened to overwhelm me, and I was glad when he kept speaking.

"I put all my happiness on our relationship, on helping you get better, and that's not fair to either of us. If there's anything I've learned in Al-Anon, it's that I need to be strong _for_ you, not _because_ of you.

"I also need to be strong for myself―because as much as I want us to be together and happy, it can't happen if I live my life only for you. As much as I want you to be, you can't be my life anymore."

I threw my arms around his neck, pressing my lips to the swell of his shoulder. His hands slid around my waist, hugging me just as tightly as I held him. Neither of us spoke as he rocked me back and forth, and though I wanted so badly to tell him how I felt, I hoped that the embrace would do my talking for me. After all, I felt the depth of his feelings for me every time we touched.

"I'm sorry I've been pushing you away," I finally whispered, without lifting my head. "I just don't want us to fall back into those old patterns, you know?"

"I know, Bella. I know." He sighed, rubbing his cheek over the top of my head. "We're both learning how to deal with this. I think we're doing okay so far, don't you?"

I nodded. Right now, I did. Who knew what I'd be thinking tomorrow or the next day, when Edward was back home in Seattle and I was still here. I would deal with those days as they came. Right now, he was here with me, and we were both healing, even if it was an excruciatingly slow process.

"I'm so glad you're still going to Al-Anon," I whispered before pulling back to look him in the eyes. "I'm proud of you." I smiled, my heart speeding up when his lips curved in a small version of my favorite grin.

"I felt a little lost after I came to visit you the first time. I remembered that it had helped me before you left...and I figured it couldn't hurt now. I do understand why you were distant, Bella. I don't have to like it, but I understand. Just...please, don't shut me out anymore."

"I'm trying, Edward."

"I know, baby," he whispered, cupping my cheek in his palm. "You're doing so well. We both are, I think. We should be proud of ourselves."

I planted a little kiss in the center of his palm and nodded. "We should. Edward, I'm proud of you for not falling out the window last night," I joked, loving the way he laughed immediately. After the discussion we'd just been through, we both needed a lighter mood. "That was quite a feat of athleticism."

"Thanks," he said flatly, rolling his eyes just a little.

"You're welcome." I hopped up off the bed, tugging him along with me. "Let's go eat. You won't believe Tanya's French toast."

Edward pulled me to a stop just as we reached the door, his eyes drawn to the calendar I kept there...and the running tally I recorded in black marker every day.

"One hundred and fifty-three days," he marveled, a huge smile taking over his face. "I'm so fucking proud of you, baby."

His lips were on mine before I knew it, and I kissed him back immediately, putting everything I felt into the embrace. My thanks, my appreciation, and my love.

My love, most of all.

.

.

.

* * *

_Thanks for putting up with my slow ass. It wasn't quite three months this time, was it? I'm still sorry, though. This one is tough to write._

_I'd love to know what you thought. Thanks for reading, and happy new year!  
_


	24. Tests

_Famouslyso and Amerymarie are the guinea pigs, even though I'm insanely jealous of AM because she's going to see Social Distortion tonight. Lucky._

_I've got no song for you, because I've been in a Trance phase lately. The lyrics aren't the most profound things on the planet. Besides, do you guys even care about that stuff anymore?_

_I don't own Twilight, That 70's Show, or OZ._

_

* * *

_

**-Chapter 24: Tests-**

.

.

.**  
**

**Edward:**

I was ready to kill Charlie Swan.

I knew it wouldn't help Bella, no matter how satisfying it would feel—but the man was completely oblivious to his daughter's pain, and I couldn't stand it. It was enough to make me swear I'd never let myself become that out of touch with my children...if I ever had any.

Luckily, Bella had me. I knew how she deserved to be treated, and I'd be damned if she'd feel she was less than the most important person in my life. I'd be the one to make up for the way Charlie had discarded her the moment things had gotten tough as a parent.

Watching the pain in Bella's eyes as her father looked at his new stepchildren with an easy smile, freely showing the affection that should have been reserved for his daughter was horrible. The way she weathered it without a word really worried me. I knew she was bottling it up inside, and it was impossible to miss the way she longingly eyed the full tray of drinks that floated by, high on the arm of a weary-looking cocktail waitress. It was her battle to fight, however, and all I could do was be there if she needed me.

Making myself stop staring at Bella so I wouldn't seem like some kind of creep, I pretended to study the room. Glancing around the dim cavern of the Forks Elks Lodge, I fought the urge to shake my head at the industrial carpet that masqueraded as wainscoting below the wood-paneled nightmare that made up the walls. Huge, forbidding-looking deer heads with giant, dust-covered antlers crowned each of the four corners of the room, staring out at the small wedding reception with bored, glassy eyes. The fucking things gave me the creeps.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her soft voice soothing my crawling nerves. "You look a little green."

Shame heated my face as I realized she was worrying about me, when I wanted to be the one comforting her. But no, that was wrong. I didn't need to constantly be the one picking up her pieces, no matter how much I wanted to. Didn't mean it wasn't always on my mind.

"I'm fine," I managed to answer, even though I could tell she didn't believe me. "Those fucking deer heads are a little creepy."

She gave me a tight little smile and said condescendingly, "They're elk."

Barely resisting the impulse to roll my eyes, I let out a little laugh. "Okay, Miss Nature Expert. They're dead things with antlers, and I feel fucking sorry for them."

"You shouldn't. They've been dead for a long time. Lucky them." There was a wistful cast to her voice that I didn't like. She turned her attention back in the direction of the wedding party, and I watched her as she regarded the room uncomfortably. I had no idea what to make of her comment; it had me more than a little unsettled. Finally getting a hold of my wits, I grabbed her hand and pulled her to one of the dim corners of the room, ignoring the dead monstrosity above us.

"You mind telling me what that means?" I knew I sounded angry, but I really couldn't help it. She'd been gone for six months, supposedly getting help, but if she still wanted to die...

"Edward, what are you talking about? Are you angry with me?" She searched my face, eyes fixed on mine.

"You just said you _envied_ dead deer—"

"Elk—"

"Elk, whatever. That's not the point."

"Edward, I meant you shouldn't feel sorry for them. They were probably hanging here before you were born. Killed by some jackass like my dad as some kind of trophy. If there's a heaven, believe me, they're there. They don't have to pretend they're having the time of their lives when all they want to do is put on pajamas and go to bed. At least they don't know what the hell's going on. They don't have to pretend to be part of a normal family. " She scowled up at me, her chocolate eyes glinting with the beginnings of anger. "And I never said I envied them. Stop putting words in my mouth," she snapped, yanking her hand from mine and crossing her arms across her chest. The action pushed her tits up and together, drawing my gaze like a magnet. It was much easier than facing down her growing ire.

"I'm sorry. It's just hard..." I sighed heavily, daring to look her in the eye again. "Do you think I can't tell you're on edge? I know there's something wrong, and you won't talk to me."

"I don't want to bother you!" People were starting to look our way, and the last thing I wanted was to draw attention to us and make Bella even more uncomfortable.

"Bother me? What's bothering me is you closing yourself off. Come on, talk to me. You want to go outside and get some air?" I asked, giving her a tentative smile. Holding a hand out, I gestured to the door. She took my hand and squeezed gently as I led her to the exit, past the straggling smokers, to the far end of the path. We stood next to a brass statue of yet another elk, and the nicest thing I could say about it was that at least it wasn't another nightmare of taxidermy gone wrong.

We stood silently for a moment, and I simply watched her while she fixed her gaze on the ground. Her dark hair shone brilliantly in the faint illumination from the building's exterior lamps, and while she looked pale in the dim light, her delicate features gave her an ethereal beauty that left me almost breathless.

She looked up suddenly, eyes so dark that her pupils were indistinguishable from the iris. A light flush stained her cheeks and she smiled nervously. "What?"

"You're beautiful." I said honestly, drawing her closer so I could link my fingers at the small of her back.

"Thanks. For the millionth time tonight."

I grinned at her, knowing she was feeling a little better. "I can't help it. I hardly get to see you at all, even dressed in casual clothes. Now I get you to myself for a whole weekend, no roommates or curfews, and you're in a sexy dress...just looking at you is enough to kill some of my brain cells."

Her eyes sparkled as she laughed. "We can't have that. You need those."

"I know you're insulting me, but I don't even care." Leaving one hand resting at the small of her back, I skimmed my fingertips over her jaw, resting them on the pulse just below her ear. She shivered, and I thought it was from my touch until I realized I could see our breath in the chilly air. I had my suit jacket off and draped over her shoulders in seconds.

"You didn't have to do that," she protested, but I could tell she liked the warmth.

"Yeah, I do. I don't want to look like an asshole."

"Too late for that," she joked with a little laugh, and I pretended to scowl at her. She hooked her fingertips through my belt loops and sidled closer. "Seriously though, you look incredible tonight. You should wear a suit more often."

"If it gets you in dresses like this, it's a deal." Her dress was soft and silky; made of some kind of deep purple fabric, and it set off her pale skin and dark eyes to perfection. Her hair was swept up off her shoulders in a sexy ponytail that hung in waves halfway down her back. It made me want to wind my fingers in it and pull...

"Shit, that means more shopping with Alice." She frowned a little, but it only lasted a second before she broke into a smile. "I guess it's worth it to see you looking so hot."

I pulled her into a hug, hiding my self-satisfied grin in the crook of her neck. She planted a kiss at the open collar of my shirt, the touch of her lips on my bare skin giving me a little shiver of my own.

"Great, now _you're_ cold. Let's go back in," she said, her hot breath tickling the hollow of my throat. It set every part of my body on alert; every hair stood on end, and while I was grateful for the extra bit of room in my pants, it wouldn't exactly help me hide the quickly developing situation down there.

"I'm fine. We don't need to go in." Though it would be easy to listen to my dick and take her somewhere warm and private so I could do something about my growing erection, we still needed to talk. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

She sighed, her hands slipping around to grip the small of my back. I held her close, gratefully absorbing the feel of having her in my arms. "I'm glad the night's almost over. It was just...suffocating in there. Having to pretend it doesn't bother me that he's so nice to Seth and Sam, while he practically ignores me..." She shut her eyes and lowered her head, taking a deep breath. "God, I sound awful. Those kids are great, and I'm glad to have them as stepbrothers, but it just...it hurts. Sue is acting more like my parent than he is."

I stroked her cheek with my thumb and stayed silent, hoping she'd say more.

"Why do I care, Edward? After all this time, you'd think it wouldn't bother me."

"Because he's your father, Bella. I'd be worried if you _didn't_ care." Raising my head, I used my fingers to tilt her chin so I could look into her eyes. "But you have to remember that he's the one with the problem, not you. Don't let him get to you like this. You're here, you're sober, and we're almost done with this."

"You might not be so quick to defend me if you knew how many times I've thought about getting smashed tonight," she whispered, clenching her eyes shut.

"Probably no more than me. Those elk things really give me the creeps." My effort at humor worked, and she laughed a little.

"Such a city boy." I had to agree—I didn't have the stomach of a hunter, that was for sure.

Eventually the laughter faded into a charged silence; I knew she was still stewing over Charlie's inattentive attitude and her own perceived weaknesses. "You might have wanted a drink, but you didn't have one. You're so strong, Bella. I don't think I've ever met anyone with your strength."

Her eyes opened, shining with unshed tears. "I know I'm strong...now. But sometimes I worry that it's not enough."

"We can't worry about that, Bella. I know you're strong enough today. That's what matters."

"Sometimes you're just too good to be true, you know that?" she said with a smile, and it lit up her whole face, even though the tears welled over and fell down her cheeks.

"Deal with it," I returned with a grin. "I'm not going anywhere." Gently, I wiped away the moisture from her face and gave her a soft kiss. "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, I think I am. Thank you, Edward."

I grazed her nose with the tip of mine. "Anytime. Now, are you ready to go back in? I'm freezing my junk off." As much as I wanted to be the macho man that wasn't bothered by the cold, I feared for the health of my balls if we didn't get somewhere warm. I'd do anything for Bella, but I had the feeling she'd like me to keep the family jewels.

"The price you pay for chivalry." She grinned and tugged me toward the entrance; of course I followed with practically no coaxing. I'd follow her anywhere, even without the threat of frostbite on my nut sack.

The warmth of the Elks Lodge was heaven—except for the dead things staring at me. Bella seemed better, her mood lighter; we mostly kept to ourselves, only really speaking with Seth and Sam as Charlie and Sue danced the night away—badly. Everything went well right up until we got ready to leave. I put my coat over Bella's shoulders as we neared the door, wanting to keep her warm for the walk to the car.

"You two leaving without saying goodbye?" came a gruff voice from behind me. We turned to find Charlie heading toward us, a wobble in his step.

"I was just going to come say goodbye, Dad. I'm a little tired."

"You can't have one little glass of champagne to celebrate my wedding?" he asked as he came to a halt in front of us, swaying a little as he gestured with the cheap plastic glass. I didn't miss the way Bella eyed the golden liquid sloshing around with his careless movements. Her shoulders stiffened underneath my arm, and I hugged her a little closer, rubbing the backs of my fingers gently over the fabric of my coat, wishing it was her bare skin. I was proud of the way she ignored Charlie's jab, and gave her an encouraging smile. She just stared at her father, a hurt and disbelieving look in her eye. I didn't blame her—I couldn't believe what I was hearing, either. Silence hung heavy between the three of us until Charlie ran his liquor-loosened mouth again.

"Well, like I said, you can't leave without a little toast." He shoved the fake champagne flute into her hand and turned around, searching for a waitress. "I need another one over here!" he slurred, finally catching the bartender's eye.

Bella stared at the glass in her hand blankly, fixating on the drink for long moments. Her fingers trembled slightly, sending a flurry of bubbles rushing to the surface of the champagne.

I could feel the anger rising, surging, bubbling, not unlike the carbonation in the cheap liquor Bella held. Where the fuck was Sue? She needed to rein in her bastard of a husband. I wanted to kill him a thousand times in that moment, even more than I'd been fantasizing about earlier. Finally, I couldn't hold back anymore. Stepping forward, I put a hand on his chest and pushed him back. It wouldn't have been enough to send a sober man off balance, but Charlie stumbled back a couple feet.

"That's enough," I ground out, my voice just as harsh as the rage I felt when I looked at him. Bella's hand landing on my shoulder was the only thing that stopped me from dropping his sorry ass to the ground.

"Edward, it's okay," she said softly. I turned back to her, and she handed me the champagne calmly. I clenched it in my fist and stared stonily at Charlie, knowing it was important to let Bella fight her own battles.

"C'mon, Bella," he laughed, reaching for the glass in my hand. I jerked the drink away, thankful I was sober and had fast reflexes. "You're not happy for your old man?" He swayed on his own this time, and I knew he was completely trashed. It still didn't excuse the way he was acting or the insensitivity with which he treated his only child.

"I tried to be," she snapped after a few seconds. "I tried, just like every other time, but you've managed to ruin it." Her voice wavered, but her face remained blank, stoic. "Edward and I are leaving now, and _no_, I will _not_ toast to you."

Behind Charlie, Sue came up to us, her face calm and happy, until she took in the expressions Bella and I wore. "Is everything okay?"

I was about to explain, but Charlie's drunk ass took care of that for me.

"I was just trying to have a drink with my daughter, but she's got some bug up her ass, like always," he grumbled, shrugging and turning to his bride. Sue looked stricken as she met Bella's eyes, her eyes apologetic.

"I'm so sorry," she mouthed as Charlie took her arm and started walking off. It was better to just avoid the confrontation anyway; people were starting to notice the tension between the three of us. Bella nodded to Sue and waved before turning toward the door.

I followed, still holding the plastic champagne glass in my hand, and I really wanted to down it. The desire was second only to the one that begged me to dump it all over Charlie's head. After I punched him in the face.

"Go ahead, Edward," Bella told me with a slight smile. "If anyone needs it, it's you."

God, did I. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable..."

"Just drink it," she said, and then she slipped through the doorway.

With one more murderous glare in Charlie's direction, I dropped the drink in the trash can before I left.

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-x-

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Bella was silent until we reached the room I'd reserved at Forks' only bed and breakfast, and even then she only spoke to ask me if I wanted the bathroom first. I told her it was all hers, and I sprawled out on the bed as I heard the shower kick on. Too lazy and tired from tonight's events to do anything but toe off my shoes and socks, I grabbed the remote and started flipping through the eight fuzzy channels the antenna received.

To keep myself from finding Charlie Swan and beating the hell out of him— or at the very least, shoving his head in the nearest public toilet and giving him a good swirlie—I tried to distract myself with a rerun of _That 70's Show. _Red was threatening to put his foot in Eric's ass when Bella emerged from the bathroom wrapped only in a skimpy white towel. My mouth went dry and I lost the ability to speak.

I hadn't seen her like this since before she left for rehab. My dick immediately reminded me that it hadn't seen any action other than my hand since then, and it was about damn time to remedy that situation.

"I'm sorry," she whispered loudly, in what I assumed was an attempt not to interrupt my TV watching. "I forgot to bring my pajamas into the bathroom."

"No problem," I responded in a strangled voice, and I hoped she didn't notice the raging hard-on that was readily apparent in my loose dress pants. She gathered her clothes and closed herself back in the bathroom, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

How in the fuck was I supposed to keep my hands off her tonight?

_We shared a bed last weekend and I didn't spontaneously combust_, I told myself. While I was repeating it over and over, Bella reemerged and settled herself next to me on the mattress, tucking the comforter high underneath her chin. She smelled fucking amazing, like floral soap and steamy water and Bella... I could practically feel her softness though the layers of cotton pajamas and bedding that separated us. She turned on her side to face me, slipping her hand between the pillow and her cheek.

Neither of us seemed inclined to speak for the moment, so I took the time to study her as she lay there freshly scrubbed and sweet-smelling. No telltale redness rimmed her eyes; at least she hadn't been crying while she closed herself away in the little bathroom. Her skin was still flushed from her shower, tinted a creamy pink that had my fingertips itching to touch her. Wisps of damp hair curled at her temples, only adding to the air of innocence that she exuded. The longer I continued watching the more aroused I became, wordless desire and hot lust growing by the second.

"It's not polite to stare," she said softly, a twitch of a smile at the corner of her mouth. Her deep brown eyes glinted with amusement as she regarded me with a look of sleepy curiosity through the thick black fringe of her lashes.

I shrugged, giving her a lazy grin. "I've used up my allotment of politeness for today."

"By all means, continue to ogle me while I sleep, then."

That was fine with me, because I doubted I'd be sleeping for a long while, and it wasn't just because she was in bed with me. Anger at her father still simmered beneath the surface, ready to flare up at the slightest reminder of the evening. Tension tightened the muscles in my back; it had me on edge, jumpy, and I was just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

"You're going to sleep?" It was extremely hard to keep the irritation out of my voice.

"What are we supposed to do, have a pillow fight? Ooh, I know—you can paint my toenails!" she teased, and it was then that I heard it. There was the slightest tremor in her voice, hidden by the lightness of her tone. She was bottling it up again, and whether it was out of lingering mistrust for me or a desire to spare me from her family drama, I wasn't sure.

"Why won't you talk to me?" I demanded, and I knew the words were too harsh. She flinched, seeming to burrow deeper under the covers. Unable to sit there any longer and pretend nothing was wrong, I got up and started pacing, cursing the tiny size of the room. I knew acting like this was the complete opposite of the smart thing to do, but I literally couldn't stop myself. When the pacing didn't work, I dropped my ass into the dainty-looking armchair in the corner, resting my forehead in my hands while I tried to collect myself. With a heavy breath, I finally gathered the courage to look at her again. "Please, don't shut me out."

"There's nothing to talk about," she answered quietly as she moved to sit against the headboard, hurt written all over her face.

"Really? Your father hands you a drink like it's no big deal, and there's 'nothing to talk about'? That sure as hell seems like something to me!"

"I'm trying not to think about it, Edward. I'd like to say I'm shocked, but I'm not. I didn't expect him to be quite that bad, but I knew this wouldn't be some kind of joyful reunion. This is real life, not a Hallmark Channel movie." She sounded so jaded, so...resigned, and seeing her like this was almost worse than our months of separation. "I can't let him ruin my life anymore."

My anger deflated, leaving me with a sense of helplessness. "What can I do?" I wanted to make this better for her so badly, but I knew she wouldn't let me; it wouldn't do either of us any good.

"I know you care, Edward, but you can't fix this. I love that you want to...but right now, we can't do anything but live our lives. And I think I'm going to have to do that without Charlie." Her breath hitched and she reached up, quickly rubbing her eyes, and the sight of her tears nearly broke me. I was crossing the room in an instant, kneeling before her side of the bed. She scooted toward me, perched Indian-style on the edge of the mattress, and I wound my arms around her waist, my body hunched over her lap as I pressed my cheek against her abdomen.

"I'm sorry," I forced out on a shuddering breath, closing my eyes in relief when she buried her fingers in my hair, stroking, soothing. It was all wrong. I should be the one offering comfort, not greedily gobbling it up from a girl who'd been broken more times than I could count.

"Don't be...just...give me a little time? I'm not shutting you out, I promise."

"You know I'll do anything for you. But I can't lie...I'm afraid of what this might do to you." I was going fucking crazy worrying that Charlie Swan could bring about one of my greatest fears—losing Bella to alcohol. "You've come so far, baby..." My voice broke, but I swallowed back the knot in my throat. I wasn't going to fucking cry all over her. She didn't need that shit.

She put her hands on either side of my face and pulled me up to face her. She was situated only inches higher than me as I knelt next to the bed, but I still felt like I was begging before her, my world off-centered and crumbling.

_I only just got her back...please, don't let her fall now..._

"You don't have to treat me like I'm going to break, Edward. I _will_ handle this. I'm stronger now, and you've helped me become that way," she said softly, offering me a tremulous smile. "I can never thank you enough for that."

I sighed, trying to push back the pessimistic thoughts. "I wish you'd let me beat the shit out of him."

"I wish I would, too. But I don't want to sleep here alone while you take your chances in jail. I doubt your sweet virgin ass would survive."

My ass cheeks clenched involuntarily at the mere thought, until I thought I might give myself a Charley horse. The fear must have shown on my face because she laughed—a sweet, lighthearted sound which cut through the remaining tension easily. Before I knew it, I was laughing too.

"Thanks for that. Now I'm going to have fucking nightmares. I saw _OZ,_ you know," I grumbled good-naturedly.

"Poor baby." She was still laughing, and I pretended to pout while I secretly ate it up. Unfolding her legs, she let them hang off the side of the bed, her knees bracketing my sides. My hands had wandered up underneath her shirt at some point, and I found myself lazily stroking the baby-soft skin of her lower back. She still held my head in her hands, and as we both fell silent her gaze grew intense.

Her eyes searched mine for a long moment, and I could tell she was thinking hard. Nervously, she licked her lips, biting her lower one at the corner. I stayed still, letting her have the time she needed to gather her thoughts.

That didn't make what came out of her mouth any less surprising.

Less amazing.

Less exhilarating.

"I love you," she whispered, those lips curving in the sweetest smile. My fingertips dug sharply into her skin as I pulled her closer, burying my face in the crook of her neck and pressing her chest to mine.

"I love you, too. More and more every day," I told her, touching my lips to her skin in a reverent kiss.

Pressing her mouth to my hair, she said, "I'm sorry I haven't told you. Please know I never stopped...I just couldn't..."

"It's okay, baby. I know." I trailed the tip of my nose up the smooth column of her neck, breathing deeply, drawing her into my lungs. She turned her head toward mine and our lips met and clung, my tongue coming out to taste the contour of her lower lip. Her mouth opened fully on an intake of breath and I took advantage, angling my head to go deeper, groaning as I savored the wet heat of her tongue.

Her hands slid from my hair to fumble with the buttons on my shirt, slowly baring my chest to her touch. I shrugged out of it while still kissing her, wasting no time before taking her into my arms again. Her nipples were hard against my chest, even through the thin cotton of her tank, and I couldn't resist sliding one hand around to palm her breast. She had fucking spectacular tits, and they were only enhanced by the slight bit of weight she'd put on while she was away. I circled my thumb over her nipple and her legs squeezed my sides as she crossed her ankles behind my back. The heat of her pussy was blatant against my abdomen as she scooted closer, and I wanted to rip off the thin pajama pants that kept her from me.

Things were rapidly escalating, and thanks to a stupid attack of conscience, I knew I had to pull back before I couldn't stop. She broke the kiss then, resting her forehead against mine, her breath hot and moist against my lips.

"We have to stop," I panted, not caring how winded I sounded. My dick was actually throbbing; every beat of my heart caused a jolt of near-painful pleasure that knotted and built low in my body.

"I don't want to...I need you," she returned in an equally breathless whisper, reaching down and stripping her shirt off before I could stop her.

I was lost anyway; my brain shutting down at the conviction in her words and the sight of all that smooth, naked skin. Her tits were right in my face, and my mouth literally watered at the sight. I wanted to taste the swells of her flesh, leaving her wet from my mouth. I wanted to rub the head of my dick over the hard points of her nipples, wanted to watch as she held her tits tightly together so I could fuck them, wanted to come all over her chest and neck as she watched with a smile. I wanted everything with her.

For now, I satisfied some of those urges by fastening my lips around her nipple, flicking my tongue against the erect peak and savoring her sweet, delicate flavor. I almost missed it when her hands wandered low, working open the fly of my trousers. But when she slipped her hand underneath the elastic of my boxers to wrap her fingers around me, I couldn't concentrate on anything else. My mouth went slack as I rested my forehead against her chest, my lungs working overtime to catch my breath. It had been so long... Her hands were so soft, and she knew just how to touch me. She knew that I liked the way she'd lightly squeeze the head on the upstroke, that light fingertips traced over my balls would make me shudder.

And it was all way too fucking much.

Jerking my hips away from her grasp, I sat back on my heels and hooked my fingers beneath the waistband of her pants. She lifted her hips as soon as I pulled, uncrossing her legs from behind my back so I could pull the cotton all the way down, taking the lace she called underwear with them. Normally, I would have teased her, left them on, but I was almost at my breaking point. I needed her naked, now. Control was long gone, but I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, reaching for some semblance of restraint anyway.

"Edward, please." What her voice lacked in volume was made up for in the need that laced it. I opened my eyes to her, coming closer, my face even with her wet, bare flesh. She was pink and glistening already, and I hadn't even touched her. Without breaking eye contact, she brought one leg up to rest her heel on the edge of the bed.

I knew what she wanted, and I wanted it too—possibly even more than she did. It didn't keep me from asking her, because I loved to see the deep flush that spread over her skin at my explicit questions. "Do you want me to kiss you here?" I trailed a finger up and down the wet seam, barely brushing her clit at the top.

Her eyes dropped closed at my touch, and she whispered, "God, yes."

I pressed my mouth to the soft flesh just above her pussy, letting my lips linger for just a moment, and then pulled back. "Like that?"

"Yes, but...more." Her breath hitched, drawing my attention to the way her breasts moved up and down with the rapid motions of her chest. But as much as I loved getting her worked up, I needed this, too.

Leaning closer, I breathed right on the place where I knew she wanted my mouth. "You want my tongue, don't you?" I didn't give her a chance to respond before I bent my head and tasted her, taking one long lick. Grasping her thigh that dangled off the bed, I pulled it over my shoulder and licked her again, nibbling at her lips gently, immersing myself in the sound of her moans and the taste of her skin.

My knees were going fucking numb from kneeling in front of the bed for so long, but as soon as I got the first full taste of her, nothing else mattered but the slickness of her flesh beneath my tongue and the delicate sounds of her enjoyment. She was hot and sweet, the taste of her even better than I remembered. Being this close to her and making her feel good was such a rush...like the best high I'd ever known. I knew it was dangerous to depend on this feeling, but it was impossible not to revel in it. It was like we'd never been separated, never had to consider what it would be like to live without one another.

Humming against her heat, I spread her pussy wide with my thumbs, taking long, drawn out licks all around while still avoiding her clit. I looked up to find her watching, those deep, dark eyes focused on my face. Holding her gaze, I licked my index and middle fingers before slowly working them inside her. Lashes fluttering down, she dropped her head back and moaned, growing louder as I pumped in and out, finally grazing her clit with the tip of my tongue. My eyes almost crossed at the way she tightened around me, clenching around my fingers in time with the subtle up and down motion of her hips against the mattress. I slid my other hand under the swell of her ass, lifting and pressing her closer, licking and sucking, using my tongue to show her how much I'd fucking missed her. How much I wanted her.

Her fingers threaded through my hair, grasping and pulling as she pushed me against her; I moaned, loving the desperation I could feel in her touch. She wanted this just as much as me, and it was so goddamn good. I pursed my lips around her clit, humming and flicking my tongue back and forth, increasing the speed and depth of my fingers. The soft, silky skin of her inner thigh brushed against my cheek as she dug her heels into my back; she moaned aloud as I curled my fingers inside her.

"Don't stop...god...I can't..." she babbled, yanking at my hair.

_That's fucking right... _I smiled against her flesh as she came, somehow managing to keep up the steady rhythm against her clit. She squeezed my fingers so tightly, getting wetter and wetter, and I almost came on the spot, my dick screaming at me to get inside her. Finally, she pushed my head away and urged me up even with her face. I hurriedly kicked my pants and boxers to the floor, eager to feel all of her naked skin against all of mine.

Unable to wait any longer, I picked her up bodily and tossed her against the pillows. She held her arms out to me and I crawled on top of her on all fours, waiting until the last second to lower my body atop hers. Her smile was radiant as she watched me advance, her eyes shining with lust.

"Is that what you wanted?" I asked, threading my hand in her hair and tugging lightly, forcing her to arch her neck just the slightest bit, which pushed her tits more tightly against my chest.

She grinned at me and pulled my head down to hers, grazing my cheek with her lips. "What do you think?"

"I think I'm not doing my job if you can still speak."

"Same here," she breathed, hooking her legs around mine and digging her heels into my ass.

Her lips met mine with a delicate pressure that made me groan, and I immediately pushed my tongue out to taste her, to let her taste herself on my mouth. I groaned in pleasure, adrenaline coursing in a hot rush at the simple contact of her mouth. Over and over I sampled her, swiping my tongue over the velvety silkiness of her lips, learning her mouth all over again, and it was just as pleasurable as the first time. I couldn't keep from grinding my hips against her, pressing my erection against the wet warmth of her pussy. Blindly, I groped her chest, pinching her nipples roughly between my fingertips, palming the soft mounds of her breasts.

Slowly, I pushed into her, seating myself deep inside her pussy, groaning at the slick, hot wetness surrounding me. I was moving immediately, digging and pressing my hips against hers, working her clit with the base of my dick. Hard, deep grinds brought me closer, driving low, throaty moans from her throat. We moved together in a perfect rhythm, like we hadn't been separated for months on end. Sensations eclipsed thoughts as pleasure tightened in my gut. Hot, wet, tight. Grasping fingers and clenching thighs, blunt nails and silky hair.

She dug her fingertips into my ass cheeks, urging me to thrust harder. Of course, I obliged her, slapping my hips against hers and winding my arms beneath her back, clasping her to me tightly as I tried to stave off the tightening in my balls, the boiling knot in my gut. She wrapped her thighs around my hips, letting me deeper inside, and I could feel her inner muscles clamping down on my cock, pushing me closer and closer to orgasm. I didn't know if I could hold it back.

"Bella, it's too much," I managed to groan out as I buried my face in her hair, breathing deep lungfuls of her sweet scent. "Can't hold on."

She tucked her head against mine, nipping my earlobe and flicking it with her tongue. I felt like I'd black out from the pleasure before I came. "Let go, Edward. Come."

And I did. It was inevitable, and with a few more erratic thrusts, I was releasing into her, hot and wet and never ending. "Fucking love you. Love you." It was all I could manage as my world dissolved into blackness and white light. I barely felt her fingers in my hair, trailing over my back in soothing strokes as I came down.

Neither of us spoke, and it was perfect. We were perfect.

I never expected her to be gone when I woke. Maybe I should have.

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* * *

_Please don't hate me. Okay, hate me if you want. I probably deserve it because I'm as evil as my cat with the bladder problem. _

_If you're so inclined (and don't want to kill me after this), a few of my fics—including this one—have been nominated for the Inspired Fanfic Awards. I'd love your vote. The Ritual was nominated for the Angst Award (under 2000 reviews)._

_Work in Progress and Chain Reaction were also nominated in various categories. I won't list them all here because this a/n is already long enough. _

_You can vote here: __http:/inspiredfanficawards__(.)blogspot(.)com/p/nomination-links(.)html?zx=8305b58160060071 _

_Remember to remove the parentheses._

_I'll be hiding and working on chapter 25, which is already started. Hope to see you sooner rather than later! _


	25. Cohesion

_Time __is __never __time__ at __all_

_You __can __never __ever __leave_

_Without__ leaving __a __piece __of __youth_

_And __our__ lives __are __forever __changed_

_We __will __never __be __the __same_

_The__ more __you __change__, __the __less __you__ feel__..._

"Tonight, Tonight," - The Smashing Pumpkins

I don't own Twilight.

AmeryMarie and famouslyso are the guinea pigs. I shudder to think what these chapters would resemble without your input. Thank you, ladies.

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**-****Chapter**** 25: ****Cohesion****-**

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Frost coated the grass, lending an icy glitter to the landscape of the lawn. Fall pansies bowed under the extra weight, the lingering splashes of color muted beneath the morning mist. The air was fresh, the chill invigorating, silent except for the occasional bird call, and the lack of breeze made my perch on the porch of the bed and breakfast seem like a cocoon.

A very, very cold cocoon.

In my nervous, last minute packing spree the day before, I'd forgotten my heavy winter coat, so I had to make do with Edward's suit jacket. While it carried that scent of man and sandalwood that always meant "Edward," it wasn't the warmest article of clothing, especially when one was sitting outside before dawn in a pair of flimsy cotton pajama pants and an even thinner tank top.

When I woke up tangled in his arms this morning, I couldn't remember being happier. Warmed by layers of sleep and soft covers and man, I felt safe and secure, and it was easy at first to keep thoughts of my father away. But the longer I laid there, the more disturbing my thoughts became, bringing with them my old enemies—the cynical, belittling whispers that vied for attention in my brain, and I found myself having a harder than usual time reasoning them away.

They told me I hadn't really made any progress at all—that once one bad thing happened, I'd jumped right back into my old patterns.

I'd slept with Edward at the first sign of trouble, and all that was missing was the alcohol. I was nearly convinced it was about love, about reconnecting, about showing him and myself that we could get closer again, be a couple. Unfortunately, there was still that tiny, bitter, insecure bit of me that said it was all about forgetting, all about altering my state-of-mind. That it was just one step backward in my journey.

And I didn't want to believe that. It would break me. I loved Edward, more than was good for me, but I couldn't do anything about it. It was natural for me to want him, right? I had to tell myself that last night hadn't been about distractions, or even pleasure. It had been about love and comfort and the closeness we both needed after all our time apart.

That, more than anything, told me it hadn't been a mistake. And though I'd be hard-pressed to remember a better sexual encounter, I found myself remembering what had happened afterward just as well. He'd held me so tightly in his arms as we fell asleep, his fingers drifting gently over my back, the soft strands of his hair tickling my neck as he rested his cheek on my breastbone. There was no tension in his frame except for that used to hold me; his face was unlined and peaceful as we rested together, cocooned in blankets and each other, arms and legs entwined.

It just couldn't be wrong. I wouldn't let it. I still had another month left in Vancouver, another month without Edward, but I knew I could do it. We could still have this, I could go back and finish what I'd started all those months ago and come back to him a happy, healthy person, if not completely whole.

But I would be someday.

No matter how rough it had been from the start, what I had with Edward was good for me. _He_ was good for me.

My father, on the other hand, was not. He'd killed what was left of my love for him when he thrust that glass of champagne into my hand. I could still feel the tingling burn of the lifeless plastic against my fingertips, still hear the whisper that called to me.

_Just__ drink __it__. __One __little __glass __of __champagne __won__'__t __matter__..._

_There__'__s __barely __any__ alcohol __in __it__. _

_It__ would __probably __even __give __you __a __buzz__. __It__'__s __been__ so __long__..._

This time I knew I couldn't do it. I _wouldn__'__t_ do it. If I took that drink, it would prove Charlie right—confirm everything he'd ever said about his weak, alcoholic daughter. And I'd die before I put myself in that position ever again. Instead of focusing on all the things he _had_ said, I made myself think about all the things he _hadn__'__t__._

Like _I'm_ _sorry_.

Or _I__ love __you__._

_I__'__ll__ be __here __for __you__._

_You__ can__ count __on __me__._

Things Edward told me on a regular basis.

I let go of the scared, sad girl that wanted her father to make things better, because I knew he never would. The only person that could was me. And I wanted Edward to be there for me while I did. Not because he could fix me, but because he made me want to fix myself.

Tears welled and spilled onto my cheeks, leaving searing trails of heat that quickly turned icy-cold in the morning air. Dawn was breaking over the mountains, slowly turning the midnight sky to a soothing violet canvas laced with pink and gold rays that promised a bit of sunshine.

The heavy oak door slammed behind me, and then a few solid, quick footsteps pounded across the creaky wood of the porch. I turned toward the sound to find Edward staring at me, surprise mingling with the fading terror on his face. His feet were bare and his shirt wasn't buttoned correctly, hanging half-open, his pants wrinkled from lying on the floor all night.

"What's wrong?" I asked, as I stood, frowning because I had to untuck my feet from their warm spot underneath my legs. I winced as they hit the cold boards of the porch and wished I'd thought to do more than tug on a thin pair of socks.

"What are you doing out here?" he returned sharply, his breath steaming. His whole frame seemed to deflate as he raked his eyes over me, like he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing. I tucked my arms around my middle, huddling into his suit jacket, not quite able to suppress the sudden chattering of my teeth.

"Thinking. I couldn't sleep anymore."

"You couldn't do that inside, where it's warm? Or perhaps, you know, somewhere I know where you are?" His voice rose a little bit, and I suddenly understood why he was upset. I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it before.

He was always afraid I'd leave him—and who could blame him?

I rushed over to stand in front of him and threw my arms around his waist. He remained stiff and unmoving for a minute, but then he melted into me with a shuddering sigh. "I never know what to do when I wake up and you're gone," he whispered, pressing his lips to the top of my head.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't want to wake you."

"I thought you left. You were gone," he repeated, and I hugged him harder. He needed proof that I wasn't going to disappear. Only time would give him that.

"Let's go inside, okay? I've been out here too long. We'll talk, I promise."

We made our way back to the room, where he kicked off his shoes and slid the suit jacket off my shoulders. It was already wrinkled as hell from spending the night on the floor, so neither of us bothered to pick it up. He held up the covers so I could climb in and he followed, wrapping his arms and legs around me in a full-body hug.

"I won't do that again. I'll leave a note or something. I didn't think." I felt his lips in my hair, his breath on my scalp.

"I'd appreciate it...but, I need to have more faith in you, don't I?"

"I know you have faith in me, Edward. You always have, haven't you?"

I could feel him smile—his cheek firmed against my hair. "Always."

"Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me."

"I think I do."

And I knew, too.

He pulled back to look at me, tilting my chin with a fingertip. My bottom lip quivered, and I hoped he thought it was just a remnant of the early morning chill. His lips met mine in a soft kiss that warmed me just as well as any extra blanket could.

I smiled when we parted, closing my eyes and reveling in the comfort I felt just from being near him. "I just want to spend the rest of this weekend with you. Right here. I don't want to leave this room."

"I was going to ask you if we were still going to the brunch." Sue's sister was hosting a post-wedding brunch for the family, one last giant, excruciating get-together before the weekend was over.

"I can call Seth and Sam to beg off. They'll just be jealous that they can't blow it off." I looked down at Edward's chest, not wanting to mention Charlie.

"You think I'm going to argue?" He looked completely relaxed for the first time this morning. "You know, we should get the fuck out of this hellhole, go back to Seattle. I've seen enough taxidermy to last me a lifetime."

I grinned. "Yeah?" It was impossible not to laugh at his enthusiastic nod.

"Definitely...though there might be something to be said for Forks and its only bed and breakfast. And this bed." He tugged me closer with one hand at the small of my back, the other grabbing my thigh to pull it over his hip.

"Why do I get the feeling that you have a soft spot for most flat surfaces?"

"Especially the horizontal variety, if you're involved. Though vertical ones have their uses." His mouth covered mine, his lips soft and hungry. He rolled toward me, letting me have his weight, pushing me into the mattress.

Laughing, I turned my head to the side, because if I let him keep kissing me any longer, there wouldn't be any talking for quite a while. "You have a one-track mind."

"I wouldn't have a dick if I didn't," he quipped, nipping at the tender skin below my jaw. "Come on, I've been celibate for six months."

"Completely?" God, it was hard to keep the amusement out of my voice.

"I told you I'd wait for you, Bella."

"You didn't even do the...uh...five-knuckle shuffle?" _Shit__. __So__ many __great __euphemisms __for __rubbing __one __out__, __and __I__ pick _that _one__? __Lame__._

And why did I have to make the hand gesture too?

"So you're asking me if I jerk off? All the time. Want to know why?"

"If you say the latest issue of _Hustler_, I'm going to be pissed."

"Not even close." He pinned me to the bed, interlacing his fingers with mine and pressing them into the sheets on either side of my head. "Though I'm impressed you went for the _Hustler__._ Pretty hardcore."

I bit my lip to keep from grinning. "No comment." He bent down and stopped me—with his mouth. Just as I was getting into the kiss, he pulled back and rubbed the tip of my nose with his.

"I think my girl might like porn. I'll have to remember this."

"Like you'd be able to forget."

"That's not a no, then."

"You're right. It's not." I raised a brow and smiled coyly. He groaned and pushed his hips into mine, rubbing his erection against the apex of my legs.

"Fuck, I love you," he breathed, his lips grazing mine. He licked over my mouth, angling his head to thrust his tongue deep. I hooked my calf over one of his, trailing my heel up and down the curve of firm muscle, and he moaned. Releasing one of my hands, he trailed his fingers lightly down my side, pausing briefly to palm my breast before slipping under the loose waistband of my pajamas. I hadn't bothered to find my underwear when I'd dressed in the dark earlier, and I could tell by the way his kiss intensified that he was pleased. His teeth grazed my lower lip, biting gently, as he slowly stroked his thumb over my hipbone.

He raised his head, peering down at me, eyes hooded with desire, and the very air in the room seemed to crackle and spark. His heavy breath caressed my cheek in rhythm with the slow back and forth stroke of his thumb, marking a tingling path that had me arching against him. I was falling, sinking, drowning in his gaze, lost in the _feeling_ of this thing between us that crept beneath my skin and warmed me from the inside out. Hope flared deep inside me, sparked only from the way he watched me, needed me. How could it be wrong, how could it be bad or dangerous, when this man looked at me like I was the rarest, most precious thing in this world?

"Don't fucking leave like that again." It wasn't a request, but a low, rough command. I shook my head in a silent agreement, not sure I could trust my voice in that moment. His hand curled into a fist against my lower belly, his knuckles brushing lightly over my mound. Then he opened his hand, pressing his palm flat against me, grinding the heel of his palm over my clit. His fingers framed my lips, squeezing them together, fingertips digging into my sensitized flesh. I arched into his hand, squirming, trying to force his fingers where I really wanted them. "Need something?" he asked, daring me to voice my desires.

"You," I whispered, biting my lip as he pinched lightly, sending a shock of pleasure darting up my spine.

"I needed you this morning." He pinched again, a little harder this time. "I fucking need you all the time."

"Oh, God..." I moaned softly, threading my free hand through his hair. He began moving his palm in a little circle, pressing, squeezing, driving me insane. At the same time, he thrust his hips against mine, the heated ridge of his erection pushing roughly at the very top of my thigh. Heat bloomed and built as he worked me, making my body throb as wetness began to coat his fingers. One finger traced the seam of my sex, sliding easily through my lips, pushing deep, but it wasn't enough. "More, Edward. I need more."

"I'll give it to you, baby," he murmured, planting soft kisses down my neck. Releasing my other hand, he shoved the strap of my tank off one shoulder and pulled the neckline down below my breasts. He scooted lower on the bed, cupping a breast in his large hand. His teeth scraped over my nipple as he worked another finger inside me and placed his thumb over the peak of my sex. Then he really settled in, working me fast and deep, adding a third finger. He wasn't gentle, biting and sucking on my breasts, likely leaving marks, moaning into my flesh as he drove me to a blinding, shattering orgasm with his fingers. It pulsed and rushed through my veins, burning me from the inside out.

I opened my eyes as his fingers left me, leaving me needing more. He was shucking his wrinkled trousers, and my mouth went dry as I watched his erection spring free from the restraining fabric. He kicked them off his ankles, bunching them at the foot of the bed, and then his fingers were fisting in the cotton of my pajamas, roughly tugging them past my knees until I could untangle them from my feet. He was inside me a second later, pushing, pulling, hands everywhere, and it was so, so good. I was splayed out before him, held wide open, lost in the rustle of soft sheets and the harsh rhythm of his breath as he held my body molded to his. His face hovered just above me, lips barely grazing mine, the molten green of his eyes catching and holding. Long fingers brushed stray strands of hair from my cheeks and threaded in the hair at the nape of my neck, using it as a handle to keep me still. I wrapped my arms and legs around him and held on; arching, twisting, taking as he gave me everything. When he came, trembling and shaking in my arms, I held him tighter, giving him all of me in return.

We laid there in silence for a while as our breathing slowed, still wrapped in one another's arms, limbs tangled together under the sheets. Edward's head was buried in the crook of my neck, his breath feathering over my collarbone.

"Don't fucking leave again," he whispered, no longer commanding, just repeating, pleading. It was an empty request, I knew, because he knew I couldn't make any promises. I didn't know what the future held for us, because nothing was ever concrete—but I did know that I'd never stop loving him.

So I told him just that. "I love you. Always."

Lifting his head, he watched me with knowing eyes and a soft smile. "Always."

-x-

The weeks following Charlie's wedding sped by.

My days were filled with wrap-up sessions, meetings, and more than a few goodbyes. I found myself taking on a more active role in meetings and groups, becoming one of the 'success stories' that new residents resented yet yearned to emulate. It was bittersweet, knowing that I'd been in the same place once...and it was possible I would be again.

I'd try my hardest to make sure that didn't happen; most of the time, I was sure it wouldn't. I wasn't the same person I'd been when I first arrived at The Orchard, and the change was definitely for the better. The events of the past that had broken me weren't forgotten, but they no longer dominated my every waking thought. Instead, I took them as they came, reasoned them through, using the tools I'd developed here in the last months. I still had my occasional bouts with doubt and fear and I had nightmares more often than I cared to admit, but I knew I could come out on the other side. I had a wealth of support in my friends, though Charlie's continued indifference was painful. It still hovered in the back of my mind, always present and piercing, making my stomach churn with nerves and insecurity, but I welcomed the pain in a way—because I could feel it without succumbing to my past demons.

Edward and I talked almost daily, both of us getting ridiculously excited as each day passed. I was still worried that we wouldn't have enough separation once I returned, but then I remembered how alone I'd felt when I pulled away from him these past months. I remembered how good it felt just to talk with him, to sit in silence in his arms, to feel the soft rhythm of his breath as he slept next to me. The real test would come when we were living in the same city, but I had faith that we could do this—we could be together without letting our connection swallow us whole.

I made all the arrangements for my return to Seattle—my cable was turned back on, my truck was being serviced, and Alice was all set to make sure the apartment was ready for me to come home. Of course, who knew what that meant when Alice was involved. I'd probably have an entire new wardrobe and a house full of new furniture when I got back. Plans for me to return to my usual AA meetings with Jake and Stephenie had been concrete for the last couple weeks, and I was looking forward to settling into a new routine at home.

Tanya left sober living two weeks before I was set to leave, and we promised to keep in touch. Before she returned to New York, we spent an unseasonably warm day at the beach, sharing a final batch of cookies and taking pictures. The day she left, she gave me an album filled with photos of our time at The Orchard, wonderful reminders of the friendship we'd forged from the ashes of our former lives.

It was my last full day in the house, and I bustled around the space, clad in messy sweats and an even messier ponytail as I readied the place for its next inhabitants. I had good memories of this place, and I hoped it could do for others what it had done for me. The last thing I packed up was the little desk in my bedroom. As I tucked away the things I'd amassed during my stay, I marveled at the four paper journals I'd managed to fill in my six months here, in addition to the memories of my mother that I kept in a document on the computer. Someday, when I was ready, maybe others would read it...Renee's fairytale.

The contents of the desk barely filled one cardboard box by the time I was finished, and I was down to the last item that rested atop the wooden surface—Edward's watch. I smiled as I remembered the first time he'd given it to me, right before my first meeting. A day hadn't gone by since I'd been here that I hadn't thought of it or held it at least once. The metal was always a cool, centering talisman in my hand, a reminder of all I had waiting for me back in Seattle. When I slipped it into my carry-on bag, I relished the excitement mixed with a twinge of fear, tucking it away deep inside, knowing, as I zipped the bag shut, that this meant I was really going home. To Alice and Jasper; to Jake; even Rose and Emmett...to Edward. To my family—the family I'd chosen, the family that had loved and supported me through it all.

To the people that really mattered.

The next morning, when I left the room for the last time, I left behind only one thing: a half-finished, rough wool scarf still attached to its ball of yarn. Maybe it would do the next person the good it couldn't do for me.

-x-

I could feel the damp, chilly air as I stepped off the plane and across the threshold of the jetway and made my way up the ramp. _Welcome __home__,_ I thought, wishing the people in front of me would hurry up. For the life of me, I'd never understand why people walked so slowly in confined places. The oblivious couple in front of me meandered lazily up the corridor, dragging their roller bags so far behind them that I almost stubbed my toes on the wheels. I rolled my eyes and counted to ten in my head, easily dodging Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum when we finally entered the terminal.

The place buzzed with voices, pages and announcements as passengers and attendants alike hurried to their various gates and destinations. After a quick pit stop in the restroom, I made sure my hair wasn't sticking up in all directions from my fitful nap on the short flight and headed for baggage claim. My stomach wound into a knot with each step, and I found myself scanning the heads of the crowd ahead as I entered the claim. I told myself I was just looking for the correct baggage carousel, but unless the conveyor had wild, reddish hair and gorgeous green eyes, I was lying.

It took me a few minutes to spot him. He was sitting in a lone row of those uncomfortable airport chairs, his legs sprawled out in front without regard to the people around him, and he was sound asleep. A little laugh bubbled out of me as I neared him, noting the way his neck was bent at what had to be an uncomfortable angle and his mouth hung open, red lips parted just a bit. I wondered how long he'd been here, and then I hoped no one had picked his pocket while he sat there in dreamland waiting for my flight to arrive. As quietly as I could, I eased myself into the seat beside him to wait for the my luggage, avoiding the crowds of people who lined the carousel to watch the still motionless conveyor belt. I knew this airport well enough to know it was going to be a long fucking wait, and I was perfectly happy to pass the time watching Edward embarrass himself in public.

He was so handsome in his worn jeans, a soft, light green sweater, and a distressed leather jacket. His green scarf hung off of his collar and dangled over the back of the chair. I grabbed the end and lifted it, lightly brushing the fringe over his cheek. His nose wrinkled and his brows drew together, but he didn't wake. I caught an older couple watching us, all careworn faces and soft, knowing smiles. Before I knew it I was smiling back, perfectly willing to let them in on the moment.

Turning my attention back to my very own Sleeping Beauty, I tried again with the scarf, getting an annoyed grunt and another wrinkle of his nose. How he could be that out of it in a public place was beyond me. Well, actually, it wasn't, but all my theories involved being drunk. Finally the speakers blared above us, warning everyone that the conveyor was about to move, and Edward finally jolted awake with a sharp intake of breath. His hand went immediately to the back of his neck, and I swore I heard a crack when he straightened it. I just sat back, waiting for him to notice I was right beside him.

"Fuck," he mumbled under his breath as he stood, still unaware of my presence. It was so hard to keep from laughing as he searched the crowd and turned in a slow circle, his eyes aimed too high to see me right away. I stretched out one leg and lightly touched my toe to his shin, making him jump. "What the..." Those green cat's eyes landed on me, and the cloudiness of sleep and confusion dissolved as a smile spread wide across his face. "Bella!"

The airport became a blur as he grabbed my hand and yanked me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me. The tips of my toes barely touched the ground, and I held on to his neck, linking my fingers over the thick hair at his nape to keep myself steady.

"Hi," I whispered, closing my eyes and pressing my nose against the soft cashmere of his sweater. My head fit perfectly just under his chin, the warmth and hardness of his body the most comforting foil to my smaller frame. I took in deep, soothing breaths, soaking up everything his mere presence offered me, and somehow it felt more intimate than a kiss amongst tangled sheets. Here, in the midst of the lingering scent of jet fuel, musty luggage, and too many travelers, he smelled like home. Like fresh, green woods and rain, like a cool summer breeze beneath a clear night sky lit with thousands of stars.

"I missed you so much." The warmth of his breath tickled my scalp as he hugged me tighter, almost squeezing the air from my lungs before he set me down.

"You just saw me a few weeks ago," I said, trying to play it like I hadn't been counting down the hours—hell, the minutes—until this day. A raised eyebrow was all it took to let me know he didn't believe me for a second. "Okay, yeah, I missed you like hell, too."

"That's what I thought," he returned with a sexy slant to his smile as he slung an arm around my shoulders. "Let's get your stuff and get the hell out of here."

"Did you eat breakfast?" I asked as we made our way to the conveyor belt, where luggage was slowly but surely winding its way up from the bowels of the airport. Airport food left a lot to be desired, and my stomach was rumbling from the lack of sustenance.

He shrugged and shook his head. "Wasn't hungry. It was too damn early." Smiling down at me, he added, "But now...now I think I could eat." There was a dark glimmer in his eyes that heated my cheeks. My luggage approached and saved me from having to formulate a reply. I tried to snag the lightest bag, but Edward snatched it from my fingers and slung it over his shoulder, and by the time we headed out to the parking garage he looked like an overloaded bellhop. Since it was still so early, he'd gotten a good spot, so it didn't take us long to reach his Volvo. He hesitated as he started for the passenger side door and tried to fish the keys out of his pocket.

"And here comes the moment when our hero realizes there's such a thing as too much chivalry," I teased, reaching into his jeans to grab the keys. I might have copped a feel while he couldn't do anything about it, as weighted down as he was.

He rolled his eyes. "You're so ungrateful."

I popped the trunk and took one of the bags as he set it on the ground, heaving it into the car. "Not ungrateful, just independent. And stronger than I look," I told him flippantly. He smirked and we started loading the rest of the things into the trunk, rearranging the luggage until it was packed away to his satisfaction before slamming the lid.

Pinning me with a searing look, he backed me against the bumper and moved in, resting his big hands on my hips. "I'm so glad you're back."

"Me too. I was afraid of this for so long...but now? Now it feels good. It feels right." I slid my hands around his sides and linked them at the small of his back, tipping my head up to his. "Thanks for picking me up." I didn't just mean it in the literal sense. Though I was the only one who could help myself, he'd definitely been the catalyst that led to my sobriety...and I couldn't thank him enough for that.

"Anytime," he returned, a smile softening the predatory look in his eyes. His grip tightened on my hips as he leaned forward, lowering his head, his shadow blocking out the bare fluorescent lights that lit the garage. I closed my eyes as his lips touched mine, welcoming the way my heart tripped and then raced at the contact.

I was home, and this was real. My new life—one that had truly begun on a cold night at a B&B in Forks, yet was almost a year in the making—was finally becoming concrete.

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* * *

_There you have it. Bella's come so far...and we've reached the end of the road for these two. I know I didn't give you much warning, but this just felt right. I've got an epilogue written, and I'll post as soon as I've got it betaed._

_Thanks for hanging in there with me, through the blocks and the three-month waits in between updates while I tried out my angsty wings. I'm still not sure if they fit, but it was nice to try them on. I never know what to say here...just know that I'm beyond grateful that you've all taken this ride with me. Maybe I'll have something more profound to say when I post the epilogue. :)_

_Thank you for reading. I can't say it enough. Thank you.  
_

_On a side note, I'm a judge for the Let the Games Begin Contest, so get to writing your Sportswards. It's March Madness so there's plenty of inspiration out there. Deadline is March 23rd. To read the stories already submitted, visit _http:/www . fanfiction . net / community / Let_the_Games_Begin_2011 / 89098 /


	26. Chapter 26: Epilogue

_I don't own Twilight, I've just really screwed Bella up in this one._

_AmeryMarie and famouslyso pre-read and set me straight on things. Thank you, girls._

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_

_With the light around you  
The darkness breaks  
Whenever you walk in_

_When you touch me  
Planets in sweet collision_

_When you touch me  
Bullets in conversation  
Quietly violent_

"Louisiana" - Underworld

* * *

-Epilogue: 3 years later-

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.

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**~Bella~**

_"Don't worry. I'll take wonderful care of us, you'll see,"_ my mother said, her voice the same as always. Scratchy. Weak. Lifeless.

Her eyes bulged, the whites marred with the crimson stains of broken veins. Dark, mottled, obvious bruises ringed her neck, standing out against the stark chalk-white of her skin. She always looked the same in these dreams. She was the same, her voice was the same, but these dreams were _different_.

_"I'll keep us safe. James can't get to us where I am,"_ she rasped, shuffling forward with all the grace of a zombie, her arms outstretched.

In _these _dreams―nightmares―I always knew I was dreaming, but I was far from lucid. While these newer creations of my mind were not as detailed as the memories I'd been reliving at night for so long, they were just as terrifying. I had no control―no matter how hard I ran, how much I tried to defend myself and those I loved, no matter how hard I tried to wake myself, it was never enough.

I tried to back away, but my feet would only move millimeters at a time. She was getting so close that I could see the blue nailbeds that tipped her outstretched fingers, and for some reason, the sight of them was worse than the bruises on her neck. The sting of tears pricked my eyes, and the weight of dread filled my chest until I almost couldn't breathe.

My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, making it difficult to speak. _"No...Renee!"_

_"You have to do this. You know you can't protect them."_

Right. Because I couldn't protect _her _when she'd needed it_._

_"You're wrong. You don't know me now. All you know is then!"_ Summoning all my strength, I turned to run, clutching the bundle in my arms tight to my chest. It was like running through thigh-deep water.

Straight ahead, I could see Edward waiting for me, yelling for me to hurry. A quick look back told me I wasn't making much progress. My mother didn't seem to have the same difficulty I was having in the running department―she was rapidly catching up to me. Still I ran, knees high, lungs burning, trying to make it to safety. To Edward.

I never could, in any of these dreams. He was forever out of my reach. I never got any closer, and the harder I worked, the farther away he seemed. I ran and ran, in slow motion, screaming for him to come and get me.

But he never did. Oh, he tried, but he never made it. Tonight would be no different.

.

-x-

.

"Shhh, Bella..." I felt his hand on my shoulder first, gently shaking me awake. I no longer got scared when he woke me, my mind instinctively recognizing that I wasn't in danger with Edward. Sighing in relief, I rolled to my back to find him propped on his elbow, looking down at me.

"Thanks." I placed my hand over his on my left shoulder and squeezed, giving him a weak smile.

"Couldn't wake up again?" he questioned softly, picking up our hands so he could press his lips against my skin. I nodded, inching closer to his warmth. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. "Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath, letting his embrace chase away the cold, grasping fingers of the nightmare. "Yeah. It's just that it's been so long..." Biting my trembling lip to stave off the tears that wanted to surface, I groaned in frustration.

"I know, baby." His voice was quiet and smooth in the darkness, as calming as the slow stroke of his hand on my spine. "But that's a good thing, right? Maybe you'll go just as long without another one, and even if you don't, I'll be here anyway."

"I love you," I whispered into the warmth of his chest, pressing my lips to the space just above his heart. Those three words weren't enough in light of all this man had done for me, but I knew he'd take them gladly.

"I love you, too, Bella. You've given me everything," he returned on the heels of a yawn.

He was wrong, though I wouldn't tell him so. It was him who'd given me everything.

"You go back to sleep. I think I'll be up for a while. One of us should get some rest tonight." I ran a hand gently through his hair and sat up, dropping a kiss on his lips.

"Are you sure?" He was already halfway under, and I smiled as he snuggled deeper into the pillow.

"I'm sure. Besides, you'll know if I need you," I answered, but I doubted he heard me.

I settled myself into the love seat in the spare room as silently as I could, content to sit in the darkness. It had been four months since the last one. I'd been stupid enough to hope they were gone for good...but the part of me I hated knew better. It was the part that expected my life to disintegrate at any moment. The part that still sometimes had enough strength to whisper that this new life was wasted on me. The part that said I was marked, tainted; the part that insisted I would only destroy the ones I loved more than life itself.

It was hell when your nemesis lived inside of you. But I'd learned how to cope with it. I knew I was stronger than her. She was the one who needed the crutches, the substances, and the constant attention. I knew how to keep her on a tight leash when I was conscious, but sometimes, when I slept, it was a different story.

.

-x-

.

"Bella," Angela greeted warmly, holding open the door that separated the suite of offices from the waiting room. Once we were shut away in her corner office, we hugged like the friends we'd become over the past few years.

"How are you?" Something was different about her today, and it wasn't the obvious change in her hairstyle. "Love the hair, by the way."

She blushed, which only intrigued me more. "Oh, thank you!" Her hand fluttered up to touch it in a display of nerves I rarely ever saw from Angela.

"What is _up_ with you?" I asked with a smile, one we'd taken our usual seats.

She took a moment to compose herself, gathering my case file and flipping through a few pages before returning with a wry grin, "We can talk about this after your session, Miss Avoidance."

"Hey! I really want to know! Come on, Angie. You can give me the short short version if you want, but I'm your friend, and you look really...I don't know, giddy or something."

"Okay, okay." She took a deep breath. "I met a guy. He's the one who cut my hair, actually." Leaning forward excitedly, she said, "I never thought there would be anything sexy about a guy washing my hair, but when Ben did it...holy cow. His hands are something else, let me tell you."

"Angie, that's great! Have you two gone out yet? Wait―does he even _like_ girls?" I knew it was stereotypical, but really, weren't straight male hairdressers about as rare as moon rocks?

A memory of one of the times Edward had washed my hair (which was quite frequently―he was a big fan of joint showers) surfaced, and I knew how good it felt to have those long fingers gently massaging my scalp. I actually squirmed in my seat at the thought.

"Earth to Bella," Angela called, laughing. "I can see you've got quite a lot on your mind, so why don't we get started? And yes, for the record, he _does_ like girls." Her smile was a mile wide, so I figured she'd found out _that_ particular piece of knowledge firsthand already. However, I did let her divert my attention, since I _did_ need to talk.

I couldn't help but marvel at how fast she could go from friend to professional, and I knew avoidance was useless with her now.

I began our session by recounting the AA meeting Jake had let me lead last week, and how elated I'd felt afterward. It was a far cry from my first night, when I'd sat in the back and ridiculed everyone around me. I'd even spotted a few people just like I'd been back then, and I'd made my attempt to reach out to one or two of them. I'd taken their rejection hard, but didn't let it show. It was all part of the process, and they'd either learn or leave. They had to realize they wanted help, just like I had. Angela praised me for my courage, which was great, but the faith I'd gained in myself was even better.

"The last time we met, you mentioned that your father had been calling," she prompted next, leaning back in her chair and setting my file on her desk.

"Oh, he's still calling." I frowned, bitter feelings only slightly dulled by time making my chest feel tight. Of late, Charlie had decided that he actually wanted to be my father, and I honestly wanted nothing to do with him. Nearly three years of silence, and he wanted to waltz back into my life...I could feel myself getting angry just thinking about it.

"Have you spoken with him?" Angela's calm, nonplussed tone grated on my nerves.

"A few times. I can't exactly cut him out now, because it's not just me, you know?" She nodded, gesturing for me to continue. "It's just...it's hard. I keep waiting for him to screw things up again."

"Trust is still very much an issue with you two."

"Yeah, it's an issue. We don't have any."

"What does Edward think of all this?"

"He's really supportive. I know he dislikes Charlie, but he's letting me take the lead on this," I said with a sigh, propping my chin up with one hand.

"So have you figured out a plan? How are you going to deal with your father's reappearance in your life?"

"Why do you make me answer these questions?" I asked in exasperation. She was picking and prodding, something she was very good at.

"Because you'll avoid the situation if I don't," she answered smugly, raising a brow and looking down her nose in my direction. I hated it when she did that. It made me want to trip her in the hallway or knock her cute little cat's eye glasses off her nose.

I thought for a moment. "I'm thinking I'll give him just enough rope to hang himself," I said sourly.

"Bella." Her tone was rife with disappointment.

"Okay, okay...he's coming up to Seattle with Sue for Parents' Weekend at U-Dub next week. Seth and Sam want us all to go out to dinner one night. I told him we'd be there."

"And how do you feel about that?" God, if I had a dollar for every damn time she'd asked me that question...

I fought hard to keep from rolling my eyes. "I don't know...afraid, I guess. I don't want to open up only to have him crush me again."

"And if he does disappoint you?"

I shrugged. "It's nothing I haven't been through before. I have my own life now; I have a family and friends that support me. I don't need him."

"But just think—if you give him a chance, maybe he can play a meaningful role in your life. It doesn't have to be huge, but it's something. Maybe he's truly sorry," Angela added softly, her expression softening into a more friendly and less shrink-like expression. "Like you said, it's not just you anymore. There may come a time when you want him in your life again. Think about Renee."

She was right, as much as I hated to admit. "I know, I know. We'll see," I said, eager to move on. Thankfully, Angela was pretty skilled at reading my moods and changed the subject.

"How are your med readjustments going? You're still seeing Dr. Alastair?"

"Well, you remember that I never started back on the Xanax, and Dr. Alastair and I have decided I'm doing well enough without it. We just increased my Prozac again last week, and I...I think I'm okay."

"Right. It's good that you feel you can manage your anxiety now without the benzodiazopine. You've made so much progress." She stopped to grab her legal pad off the desk and started scribbling away. "So why do I sense a 'but' in there?"

"The nightmares," I admitted. "They're not as bad or as frequent as they used to be, and I know how to deal with the usual dreams about what happened in Phoenix, but the new ones..." I sighed, leaning my chin on my hand. "I'm really just worried about disturbing Edward's sleep. He loves working on those rehabs, but the demos really tire him out. And neither of us get enough sleep as it is these days."

"Are you sure it's just Edward that you're worried about?"

"No...I was just hoping that someday, the dreams wouldn't be an issue."

"Do you feel the nightmares are increasing in frequency?" She scratched something else onto the page and, not for the first time, I really wanted to read what she wrote about me. Was it bad? Good?

"No, but I'm starting to feel like they'll never go away. I mean, I have everything I ever wanted...and it's _so _hard to not be afraid it's all going to get taken from me."

"Bella, who do you think is going to take it from you? You know the Bogeyman isn't real."

"But he is. I know it, and you can't tell me differently. We both know that." Unbidden, tears welled in my eyes. The Bogeyman did exist, and there were tons of them out there. James had been only one. _If I ever encounter someone like that again, if something happens to my family...to _Edward... Taking a deep breath, I reeled myself in.

"You can't live in fear like that, Bella. You have the tools to protect yourself and a great support system. You know all this."

"I do...I'm sorry...I'm all over the place lately," I finished lamely. "But these dreams...it's not the Bogey―I mean, they're not about James. They're about Renee."

"Bella, you do realize that's completely normal for someone in your situation, right?" she prodded gently, patting my hand. "You've got the tools and support system to deal with this, and I'm always available for you.

"Think back to the cognitive training we've worked on. Get out your thought records, and look for those hot thoughts. Reason them out. I know you've been doing this for years now, but sometimes it helps to start actually writing them down again.

"You're doing so well. Think of how far you've come. I know you're strong enough to handle this."

I had...I'd come _so_ far. And I'd never give any of it up.

.

-x-

.

Kickboxing class was immediately after therapy, and I had to rush to get there on time. After my six months in Vancouver, which had automatically included six months of comfort food and another ten (this time _un_wanted) pounds, I'd started taking kickboxing classes. It was one of the best things I'd ever done for myself. I now carried knowledge that I could, theoretically, use to defend myself and disarm an opponent. Never again would I be helpless against a one-on-one attack, and it lifted an almost physical weight from my subconscious mind. It took a while, but once I became proficient, I gained a confidence in myself, a sense of strength, that I hadn't felt since before my mother died.

Three years later, it was still an essential part of my life, like breathing or eating. I could release any aggressions, combat stress, boost my confidence, and burn calories, all in one go―a win-win situation, in my mind.

When class broke up for the night, I wiped the sweat from my brow and greedily gulped what was left in my water bottle. Gathering my things, I headed for the doorway at the far side. To my surprise, Edward was leaning one shoulder against the door frame, his gaze fixed right on me, a proud grin on his face. Slowly, he straightened and began walking in my direction, ignoring the obvious stares of some of my female classmates.

He didn't usually work out at the same times as me, so this appearance was a surprise.

"Hey! Is something wrong? Where's―" He stopped my rapid-fire questions with his lips, and I forgot my own name for a moment.

"Alice and Jasper have everything taken care of," he said softly, letting his mouth caress mine with his words. He hugged me tightly, in spite of my sweaty, post-workout state. "No more worries for the rest of the night. No thinking, no planning, just _enjoying_."

Pulling back to look him in the eye suspiciously, I asked, "Why, Mr. Cullen, do you have plans for me?"

"Always," he murmured wickedly, copping a feel of my ass before letting me go, which drew a few giggles and covetous glances from the remaining trickle of classmates left. I blushed just as hard as ever, and it was only okay because I knew Edward loved it. He lived to make me blush and laugh, and that was just one reason to love him.

I wasn't sure if I could count them _all_ if I had a hundred lifetimes with him.

He was more than I'd ever expected, and he'd definitely given me more than I thought I'd deserved. I was grabbing on with both hands and hanging on for dear life. I wouldn't let anyone or anything take this from me, this dream I thought I'd never have. Because now that I'd had a taste, I couldn't live without it. Without him.

"Are these plans secret, or are you going to tell me what's in store for us this evening?" I asked as he held open the foggy glass door so I could exit.

He pretended to consider for a moment. "I guess I can tell you...you're going to kick my ass tonight."

"What did you do?" _Crap, this is going to involve some major cleaning or a broken window...oh, no! He better not have wrecked my truck!_ It was probably on purpose, too. He hated the thing. Always said it was a death trap.

"Nothing!" he protested, opening my door and ensuring I was seated safely before he went to the driver's side.

"Then why am I going to kick your ass?"

"Because I want you to teach me how to kickbox."

"What?" I looked at him incredulously, raising an eyebrow.

He pouted in my direction as he put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking spot. "I want to learn how to kickbox," he repeated, more slowly for effect.

"Ooookay," I drew out, wondering what had brought this on. "So why are we leaving? The gym's got all the equipment."

"I don't want you to humiliate me in public."

"You're so vain."

"Like you want anything to happen to this pretty face."

As we stopped at a traffic light, he grinned at me and raised an eyebrow, and I knew he was right. But I wasn't about to let him know that.

"So..._can_ I aim for the face?" I asked with a sneaky grin, rubbing my hands together for effect.

"Like you could hit me," he shot back immediately, shooting me a smirky scowl as he gunned the engine for the green light. "And we're going to the new building―I had the manager let the tenants know the workout room was off-limits until tomorrow morning."

In the last few years, Edward had been purchasing old, vacant buildings downtown. The latest project was in the U-District, and the old warehouse had been renovated into stylish, affordable apartments with generous amenities. We'd claimed half of the top floor for ourselves. Our space had been ready only two weeks ago, but the building's basement gym was long finished―and state-of-the-art.

Edward refused to tell me any more about what he had planned for us, so we finished our drive in comfortable silence, after I pretended to pout at him. When we reached the floor devoted entirely to gym space, the fluorescent lights clicked on with a hum, revealing the pristine space filled with advanced weight machines, mats, and free-weights. Without a word, Edward took my hand and led me to the center of the mats before leaving me to go to the corner of the room, where he used a remote to turn on the stereo system.

"The Final Countdown" blared over the speakers as he came toward me, and I started laughing so hard I couldn't stop.

"I'm going to piss myself, Edward! Turn that shit off!" I doubled over, clutching my stomach and almost falling to the floor.

"Come on, Rocky! Show me what you've got!" he taunted, tugging on my ponytail playfully before backing away. I managed to stop cackling and straightened up to find him in a boxing stance, his guard up.

"Rocky was a boxer. Get it right." I gave him a dirty look and took up my own stance.

"Whatever. And you're a _kick_boxer. You throw punches, don't you? C'mon, hit me. Kick me." Then he winked. Fucker.

"You're really that eager for an ass-kicking?"

"I've got speed, leverage, and strength on my side. Like you could kick my ass." Oh, he was so confident. I wanted to knock that smile right off his face.

_And then jump all over his naked body..._

"You think so? I have skills, you know."

"Bring it." He inched closer, guard up, smirk firmly in place.

"Bring it, huh?" I taunted, faking left and throwing a right hook, following with a roundhouse kick aimed right at his head. He blocked both, sending a smile filled with cocky superiority my way.

It was exactly the opportunity I'd been waiting for. I threw a hard left, hitting him straight in the gut. When he doubled over, I hit him in the back with quick right elbow, and swept his feet out from under him with my right foot at the same time. He went down hard on his side, groaning and curling into the fetal position. He didn't move as I stood above him in triumph, but my celebration turned to worry when he didn't move to get up.

"Edward, are you okay?" I asked, worry making my voice a bit shaky. Kneeling next to him, I placed a hand on his arm and leaned down so I could see his face. The only clue that it was a trap was the hint of a smirk I caught as he flipped me over his shoulders. I landed flat on my back on the mat; his body covered mine a second later, his chest pressed so tightly to mine that there was no way he could miss the hard points of my nipples.

"Do you surrender?" The soft, slightly breathless rumble of his voice made heat curl low in my belly. "I'm ready to enjoy my spoils." He dropped his mouth to the curve of my neck, the tip of his tongue burning a hot trail across my skin.

But I wasn't ready to give in yet.

"I don't surrender," I challenged, lacing my voice with what I hoped was sensual promise.

His eyes heated, the gleaming green darkening with determination. "Well...I could always make you." A slow smile turned up one corner of his mouth as he insinuated a knee between my thighs, pressing his erection against my hip in the process.

"I'm not afraid of you." And I wasn't. It was unthinkable now. He was my best friend, my lover, the cornerstone of my life. I trusted him without thought.

"You really shouldn't have said that," he said lowly, dipping his head to touch his lips to mine. He nibbled softly at my lower lip, stroking the tingling flesh with his tongue. I opened to him, sighing as his tongue met mine. After a few blissful minutes, he pulled back, ending the kiss with one final, tender press of his lips.

"How about now?" he questioned, one hand coming up to brush a lock of hair away from my forehead. As soon as he asked, the music changed.

_"Everybody was Kung-fu fighting..."_

I couldn't help the laugh that fell from my lips.

He sighed in mock exasperation. "I just can't win with you, can I?"

* * *

.

.

.

**~Edward~**

"Better get used to it," she quipped smartly, lightly bumping my nose with hers.

Oh, I was used to it, all right. I'd do anything for her, including letting her win―which didn't happen very often. I didn't care. I won everything I'd ever wanted when I won her heart.

And didn't that make me sound like a pussy. I didn't give a shit about that, either. It was the truth.

"What music would you prefer?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "Marvin Gaye?"

"Don't tell me that's what's next," she laughed. "You thought you'd have my pants off after only two songs?"

"What can I say? I work fast." I dropped a swift kiss on her cheek, almost touching the corner of her mouth. "And I know you can't resist me."

"You're an overconfident ass." Her words were softened by the sexy grin curving those soft, pink lips. I got a glimpse of her tongue as it came out to wet them, and I couldn't resist the urge to kiss her. Pressing my mouth to hers before she could finish, I drew her tongue between my lips, sighing at the taste of her. Slightly salty from the mist of sweat above her upper lip, and sweet as always. She moaned and opened immediately, and I lost myself in the heat of her and the wet slide of lips and tongues.

I cradled her head in my hands, bracing my weight on my elbows. Lower, I shifted my hips, wedging both my legs between hers until she cradled me with her thighs. She was so soft, hot, and damp―like I'd been working her body for hours already. The sweat she'd broken at the gym, and later, here with me, only intensified her scent and taste, and I wanted to be coated in it. I wanted to rub myself all over her, until we both smelled the same. A mix of both of us. The primal part of me wanted the room to fucking reek of it.

Just that quickly, I was ready to rip apart every article of clothing to get to her. To stroke my hands over that soft, smooth skin stretched over lithe muscle. She'd only grown more beautiful in the years we'd been together. I (not to mention my dick) certainly appreciated her kickboxing talents―when she wasn't mock-threatening to hurt me. I could barely tell what her body had just been through...and a stranger wouldn't have a clue. But those small changes were things I cherished, because I loved her. They told the story of _us_.

I grunted my pleasure as I felt her little fingers searching under my shirt. She dragged her nails lightly up my back, dragging the cotton until it was bunched up over my shoulders. Continuing her slow sweeps up and down, she lightly scratched over my skin, raising goosebumps wherever she went. Breaking our kiss, I dipped my head to graze my lips over the base of her neck, licking into the little hollow between her collarbones. Her answering moan vibrated against my tongue, and I swore I felt it in my dick.

Pulling away reluctantly, I sat up to rip the t-shirt over my head. Her eyes glinted with lust and appreciation, and when she took her lower lip between her teeth, it was all I could do not to palm my almost-painful hard-on in an attempt to relieve the ache only she could fix. As if she could sense my desires, she cupped her hand around my shaft and squeezed just like I liked it. Slowly, deliberately, she worked me while my eyes drifted down over her still-clothed body.

Her nipples stood out obviously against the restraint of her workout top, and I itched to feel them between my fingers. Taste them on my tongue. Reaching down, I covered her tits with my palms, pushing them together and squeezing gently. She increased her pace on my cock, rubbing a bit harder at the head.

"Take it out." I hoped she didn't bristle at the command, because the words came out gritty and low and without my permission.

Her eyes sparked with fire as she took her hand from me completely, raking her nails up and down my chest. She trailed one finger just above my waistband and let her hand drop to my thigh.

"You take it out for me," she demanded playfully. "Show me."

I gulped in surprise, and then I was lost in a surge of blazing lust. Giving her nipples one last gentle tug, I sat up straighter and moved to straddle her hips. Deciding to tease her, I pulled the already snug fabric even tighter over my erection, letting her admire the shape. The material was scratchy against my extremely sensitive skin, but it was worth it to see the way her eyes blackened with desire. Never taking my gaze from hers, I slowly reached beneath my shorts and gripped myself, using my other hand to tug the waistband beneath my balls.

"Come here," she whispered, her breathing increasing as I started to pump my hand over my shaft. I inched forward until I hovered over her waist. She shook her head, a small, secret smile curving her mouth. "Closer."

_Holy fuck...does she...? _The Neanderthal that ruled my cock grunted at me in frustration. _Of course she does, moron! What the fuck are you waiting for?_

Almost shaking with anticipation, I moved until my erection jutted out near her lips, still stroking the base of the shaft―the head was so fucking sensitive I wasn't sure I could keep from coming if I touched it. Pre-cum beaded at the tip and I wanted to watch her lick it off. Better yet, I wanted to rub the head over her lips and smooth that slick drop all over her hot little mouth until she glistened with it. Then I'd push into her, slowly, and her lips would slide over me so wetly...

She wasn't looking at my face; her eyes were fixed much lower. With her hands, she encouraged me to widen my stance, and then she slid them higher, little fingers finding my hips and digging in. She raised her head, nuzzling my hipbone, lips so fucking close to where I wanted them. My mouth literally watered as I looked down at her, my heart pounding with incredible force, in awe of her beauty.

I was completely fucking gone, out of my mind, head over heels in love with this woman. She might have conquered her co-dependence issues, but I was asaddicted to her as ever. I couldn't really find anything wrong with it. It just made me that much more devoted to her. I cherished her and everything she'd given me since we'd met. Everything we'd given each other.

Suddenly, scalding wet heat enveloped me, ripping the breath from my lungs. I brought a shaking hand up to cup her jaw, rubbing my thumb over her lower lip, feeling the way I stretched her. Her soft, husky moan vibrated down my shaft, making my balls tighten almost unbearably. We were close enough to the edge of the mat that I could brace my hand on one of the mirrors that lined the wall, my palm slipping a bit due to the sweat from exertion...and nerves, I was surprised to realize.

That was the thing with Bella and me...when we were together, it was always so intense, just like it was the first time.

My hand slipped a little more as I rested more weight against the mirror, unable to keep from thrusting my hips gently as she fluttered her tongue over the underside of my cock. I focused my gaze on the completely fucking erotic reflection so blatantly displayed in front of me. I was almost entranced, and seeing both of us like this was almost enough to make me explode in her mouth. But it felt too good...I wasn't ready for this to end. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to think of anything that would calm my raging erection.

_Clowns..._

_Mimes..._

The Golden Girls_..._

_Though, there_ was _something about Betty White_..._no! Gross!_

Bella suddenly―_thankfully―_reclaimed my attention by releasing me with a pop I swore I could hear even above the awful music I'd picked to make her laugh. Some of the worst sports movie montage songs I could find made up the playlist. But at the moment, I didn't give a flying fuck what was playing, because she was licking me like a fucking ice cream cone―and I was her absolute favorite flavor. My eyelids lifted without my permission, but if I was honest, I didn't want to miss that sight anyway. She looked up at me through the thick fringe of her lashes, eyes hazy with want.

"Uhmmm...Bella...oh, holy shit," I groaned, jerking back from her grasp, unable to withstand another moment without coming. She smiled at me, deep brown irises full of feminine knowledge and satisfaction. I backed off so she could sit up, fisting my hands at my sides so I wouldn't haul her up against my chest...at least, for now. If she would come to me, the pleasure would be that much sweeter.

I didn't have to wait long. She came up on her knees and moved closer, pulling her top off over her head in one sinuous move. Bare-chested, she pressed against me, her nipples hard points that burned into my skin. Her arms came around my neck and she surged up, catching my lips with hers. I took control of the kiss, pushing my tongue into her mouth and swirling it alongside hers. Tunneling my fingers through her hair, I removed the elastic band that kept it restrained so I could feel the heavy silk slip through my fingers. The tang of salt was on her tongue, her lips; and the knowledge that it was _my _taste that lingered in her mouth had me even harder, aching.

I slid one hand down her back to cup her ass in my palm, diving right beneath her pants and underwear, digging my fingers into the crease between her cheeks.

"Touch me." It was barely a whisper against my lips.

"Where?" I could feel her short huff of embarrassment. Even after all this time...I loved it. Flexing my fingers, I slid them farther, barely grazing the seam of her pussy. "Right here?"

She felt almost boneless in my arms, and when I did it again, her head fell back, exposing the arch of her neck. "Yes..." It was a long, soft sigh, and I knew most of her attention was focused on my hand between her legs. Her body moved in a smooth glide, her hips rolling gently into mine. My dick felt hard as iron where it was pressed between us, and though I knew she was overheated, the soft skin of her belly felt cool against me. Unwilling to tease her much more, I spread her open and moaned aloud at the hot, slick wetness that coated her lips.

Fastening my mouth to her neck, I pushed two fingers inside her, pulling her hips closer to mine at the same time. I sank back to sit on my heels, bringing her to straddle me. My cock slid against the apex of her thighs, giving her clit some much-needed attention, even if it was through a thin layer of stretchy material.

"Do you like that?" I licked a thin line all the way up her neck, ending with a nip on her earlobe. Pushing deeper, I encouraged her to ride my fingers as I watched our reflection, one hand in her hair and the other shoved into her pants.

"Yes...I'm so close..."

"I know, baby. I know. Fuck, you should see yourself. You're so damn beautiful," I mumbled against her neck, my eyes still trained on the mesmerizing sight before me. "Do you want to watch yourself come? See what I see?"

Not waiting for a response, I shoved the pants off her hips, cursing because I had to remove my fingers from her to do the job, and it was really fucking difficult using only one hand. The tight yoga pants didn't help matters either, and I started to get frustrated when they got caught on her tennis shoes. She whimpered in complaint, and I finally guided her back down to the mat, removing all of our remaining clothing as quickly as possible.

I extended my hand to help her up and led her back to the mirror. Slowly, we sank down to our knees, and I turned her so my chest pressed tightly to her back. Never taking my gaze from hers in the glass, I cupped her tits in my palms, savoring the feel and weight of her flesh in my hands, loving the way her eyelids almost fluttered shut when I rolled her nipples between my fingers and thumbs.

"Edward, hurry." Her voice had a slight edge to it that made me grin almost evilly. I had her so wound up...it would be amazing once I finally got inside her.

"Lean forward and put your hands on the glass." I kept my voice soft and soothing, but we both knew it wasn't a request. She complied eagerly, sticking her ass out at me even before I thought to ask. I widened her knees with mine, fitting the head of my cock to her opening. Pressing one hand flat on the small of her back, I moved forward, gritting my teeth at the hot, wet, perfect feeling of her pussy stretching around me.

_Every fucking time...I'll never get enough of her._

"Edward...move...please," she coaxed, canting her hips back at me, driving me even deeper within her.

Gripping her hips in both hands, I did as she asked, alternating between watching our reflection and fixing my eyes to the place where we joined. "Is this what you want?" I punctuated my question with a harder thrust, meeting her eyes in the mirror. The sight before me was fucking beautiful: Bella's flushed face practically glowed, her gaze sparking with fire as her tits bounced with every push of my hips.

"Yes! More..." Her breathing matched the rhythm of my thrusts, like I forced the air out of her every time I pushed inside to the hilt. As I watched, she took one hand from the mirror and brought it between her legs, and I could feel the tips of her fingers circling wet flesh. I wanted to see it―see her, touching herself while I fucked her. I wanted to see _us_, in one of our most explicit―most _intimate_―moments.

And I wanted her to see it too. She needed to see it. I took any chance I got to show her how much I loved her, wanted her, always. Our life together was the best thing I'd ever been a part of.

I let one hand wander up her back and swept the soft mass of hair back off her neck. Bending forward, I nipped the tender curve of her nape and brought my hand around to toy with her nipples. A soft cry fell from her lips as I wrapped both hands around her torso and sat up on my heels, legs spread for balance. Her head fell back against my shoulder, her fingers still rubbing in slick circles over her clit.

Turning my head to nip at her earlobe, I whispered, "Look. Look at us."

I knew the moment she saw. She tightened around me, arching her back and hooking her feet behind my thighs. Her gaze reflected back at me, filled with every ounce of what she felt for me, and I, in turn, felt for her. It was almost too much, the sight causing my spine to tingle with heat and my balls to tighten and ache. I closed my eyes, dropping my lips to her jaw, placing tiny, light kisses in a line down her neck.

Placing my hand at the apex of her legs, I ran my fingers over hers, admiring the flex of delicate tendon and bone. Unable to stop myself, I thrust harder in deep, short strokes that I knew would get her off in a matter of minutes, if that. I just hoped I could hold out that long.

"Is this good? Bella...God, tell me."

"Yes..." she breathed, and I took pride in the fact that I'd reduced her to one-word answers. I cupped her jaw, turning it so I could see her face. Her eyes were the color of black coffee, irises barely distinguishable from her pupils, and I knew she was. She was close. I closed my mouth over hers, tasting her tongue and lips in a blatant imitation of the way I moved inside her. She moaned into my mouth, her whole body stiffening and arching as she rippled around my cock in climax.

I stopped holding back as soon as I felt her, moaning my satisfaction as orgasm ripped through me. It took all my remaining strength just to keep us both upright as we leaned against one another weakly in the aftermath.

"I can't believe we just did that." Bella was still out of breath as she spoke; I found the bewilderment in her tone adorable. "God, I'm never going to be able to stop laughing when I see people working out here."

I laughed. "I'll have it cleaned, if you want." My legs were going numb, so I shifted until we were lying on the mat, my body curled around hers.

"That's probably a good idea...but it would be so much funnier for us if we didn't."

"True," I agreed, shaking my head. I dropped a kiss on her nose. "We're terrible landlords."

After a few more minutes, I sighed. "I guess we'd better get upstairs. Alice is going to be waiting, tapping her tiny little tyrant foot."

Bella grinned up at me and hopped up to fix her clothes, her energy instantly back. "Yes, let's go. I can't wait to see her."

"Alice? You see her all the time. We live in the same building," I joked.

She gave me a little scowl. "Shut up and get dressed. No one gets to see that naked ass but me."

Sluggishly, I dressed and tossed a couple towels down on the mat. I'd come back later and clean up before the gym opened tomorrow morning. I was too exhausted. I had no idea how Bella bounced back so quickly, because she'd completely worn me out.

Though, if she was up for round two later tonight, I certainly wouldn't turn her down.

.

-x-

.

Renee's crying woke me before Bella, so I eased out of the bed as gently as I could and hurried to the nursery across the hall. The soft glow of the nightlight was warm and welcoming, and I went immediately to gather up the small, squirming, surprisingly strong bundle from the crib. Cradling her to my chest, I soothed her with my own special tried-and-true methods: a soft hand on her back and the sound of my voice. She snuggled into the crook of my neck and made little fists against my chest, her crying diminishing to whimpers almost immediately.

"Are you hungry, sweet girl?" I murmured, making my way to the kitchen. As I fixed her bottle, I told her about my day with Bella―the non X-rated parts at least.

"You know what Mommy and I did today? I thought it would be a good idea for her to teach your Daddy how to do that kickboxing stuff she likes so much. Bad idea." _But boy, did it work out in the end..._ I looked down at Renee seriously. "Your Mom is a badass. Don't you ever worry about anyone trying to hurt you. Even Daddy's a pussy compared to her." _Shit. If I keep this up, the kid's vocabulary is going to be as crude as mine._

Renee sighed, squirming and lifting her still somewhat-wobbly head, and I swore she was squinting at me like she was following the one-sided conversation. Eyes that had started out a vivid, electric blue were mellowing into a version of my own green, the color inching out from a ring around her pupils. The rest of her, well, that was all her mother, and I couldn't be happier. I had the two most beautiful women in the world. Because I still felt like a fucking greenhorn parent and I was paranoid, I stopped what I was doing and used my other hand to support the back of her head. Now I was stuck with a half-prepared bottle, a hungry baby, and no hands to finish the job.

"Need some help?"

I jumped, startling a cry out of Renee, and turned to find Bella watching us, a sleepy smile on her face.

"The bottle," I replied with a sheepish smile, nodding in the direction of my abandoned task.

"You know, she _can_ hold her head up on her own now." Her voice was full of suppressed amusement as she made quick work of preparing the bottle. "It's not going to fall off her neck."

"I can't help it. She's still so small...I don't want to break her," I defended. It was perfectly logical. I was like...twenty times bigger than her. I'd always be careful and gentle with my daughter. She and her mother were the lights of my life. Mine to protect and cherish.

Bella came to me, holding out the bottle. "Would you like to feed her, or should I?"

"I'd like to do it, if you don't mind." I pressed my lips to hers, lingering until Renee started squirming between us.

"I never mind. I love watching you with her," Bella admitted, a hint of color riding her cheeks that matched her shy smile.

"Let's go to our room. You need your rest." I started back down the hallway.

"So do you. You've been doing the night duty most of the time." But she followed me anyway, waiting until I was situated in our bed, Renee tucked against my arm and happily attacking her midnight snack.

"I like night duty. It gives me quality time with my daughter."

"Oh, right. Quality time where you teach her words like 'badass' and 'pussy'." Despite the censure in her tone, she curled up on my other side and reached out to stroke one finger down Renee's cheek.

"Shh. Don't say words like that in front of my daughter," I teased, grinning.

Bella snorted, snuggling even deeper into my side. "Sorry, Sir. Won't happen again."

"So...you heard all that, did you?"

She laughed quietly. "Did you forget about the monitor in the kitchen?"

I had, actually. Ooops.

"This place has ears, Cullen," she joked in a conspiratorial whisper. "And since now you know I can kick your ass...you'd better watch it."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I let you win."

"Right. You keep telling yourself that."

We both grinned at one another and then fell quiet, caught up in our daughter's spell. She fell asleep even before the bottle was drained, and so did Bella. Once again, I maneuvered myself out of the bed like a ninja, which was quite a bit more difficult when holding a sleeping baby. After a cursory diaper check, I returned her to the crib and stood watch for a moment, unable to keep from smiling. When I was satisfied she was down for another good stretch, I made my way back to the bedroom and curled myself around a pensive-looking Bella.

"Something wrong?" I asked quietly, hugging her to my chest.

"I had to talk to Angela about Charlie today." Her voice was calm, but I could feel the tension radiating from her small frame.

Fucking Charlie. If only Bella would let me put that asshole out of his misery—and ours... Of course, I knew this had to be mostly up to her. I'd be behind her no matter what she chose; he _was _her father, but that didn't change how badly I wanted to separate his head from his body. And since it was my daughter he wanted to see, he'd better be on his best behavior, or no one would be able to talk me out of doing him harm.

"What did she have to say?" I asked, trying to keep my question neutral. "Did you tell her about next weekend?"

"Yeah...she said it's up to me...to _us_, actually." She sighed and leaned into me even more. "More than half of me wants to tell him to fuck off."

Fuck yes. "Then do it, baby. And if he doesn't listen, maybe you'll finally let me punch him in the face."

She chuckled, but it wasn't the happiest sound. "And what do we tell Renee when she eventually asks about her grandpa?"

"We tell her she's only got one grandpa, because she was lucky enough to get Carlisle and he's twice as cool as all the other grandpas."

"And he spoils her twice as much."

"How do you think Emmett and I got to be such spoiled brats?" I joked, kissing the top of her head. "Renee comes by it naturally."

"I'm just not sure, Edward. I'm afraid. What if he makes her love him and then he hurts her just like he hurt me? And yet, I don't want to take away anyone that would love her...I want her to have everything." I couldn't be sure in the darkness, but it sounded like she was fighting tears. The last thing I wanted was for her to cry—she'd done enough of that in her lifetime.

"We don't have to decide this second, baby. Just remember that no matter what happens, with Charlie or anyone else, Renee has us—and we couldn't love her more."

She turned in my arms and linked her hands around my neck, pressing her cheek to mine. "I love you, so much."

"I love you, too, Bella." More than she'd ever know. I'd loved her from the second I set eyes on her—my beautiful, broken Bella—that day in the bar.

Eventually, the rhythm of her breath deepened and slowed, and she went limp against me, her fingers twitching just a bit in sleep. My mind wandered as I started to drift off, and my last conscious thought was thankfulness. We'd come so far, been through so much, and we were still together. All of it was worth it, just so we could have this. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't storybook—and with Charlie sniffing around again, wanting to worm his way into our daughter's life, who knew when it would be—but it was us.

That's all that mattered in my world.

.

.

.

* * *

So here's the end, and I still have nothing profound to say except thank you, thank you, thank you for reading. You all are the best for sticking with me on this one.

Special thanks to AmeryMarie for her help in getting this last chapter just right. I owe you big time. If you all like the angst (and come on, you read this one), you should be reading her stories. She loves to kill me in the sweetest, most heart-clenching ways. She's listed as one of my favorite authors on my profile.

If you'd like to read more from me, add me to author alert if you already haven't. I'm currently working on an AU called Chain Reaction if you're into the vamps, and I'll be starting another AH based on my O/S "In Case of Emergency." I know you regular reviewers are already on board, but you can't have too much information, right?

Oh, yeah...you can. Especially if it involves your family. Or faceless people on the internet...

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I love you guys for hanging until the end. I hope you enjoyed it.


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